Variety reports that Martin Scorsese has signed on to direct an adaptation of the 2005 book I Heard You Paint Houses, about the mob assassin who supposedly killed Jimmy Hoffa. Robert DeNiro is attached to play the lead, Frank “the Irishman” Sheeran, whom the book’s author befriended before his death in 2003. Official book description:
I HEARD YOU PAINT HOUSES is a fascinating account of a dark side of American history. The book’s title comes from the first words Jimmy Hoffa ever spoke to Frank “the Irishman” Sheeran. To paint a house is to kill a man. The paint is the blood that splatters on the walls and floors. Frank Sheeran lived a long, violent, passionate life. As a boy he took on older kids in bar fights so his dad could win free beer. During World War II he was a highly decorated infantryman with 411 days of active combat duty and a willingness to follow orders. “When an officer would tell you to take a couple of German prisoners back behind the line and for you to ‘hurry back,’ you did what you had to do.” He became a hustler and hit man, working for legendary crime boss Russell Bufalino and eventually becoming one of only two non-Italians on the FBI’s famous La Cosa Nostra list.
Long story short, according to Frank Sheeran, Frank Sheeran was a real hardass. In the meantime, the author is hard at work on his follow up novel, It Smells Like Someone Shit His Pants in Here: The Brett Ratner Story.

Why is an Italian playing the Irishman?
During World War II he was a highly decorated infantryman with 411 days of active combat duty and a willingness to follow orders.
Yeah, but did he have his very own fully auto Uzi? I thought not. This guy probably didn’t even have a weapon that held more than 20 rounds or so. He’s a fucking pussy.
To “strip the siding” means to get a brazilian wax.
I always follow orders, as long as those orders are telling me to do what I was about to do anyway.
I’m currently working on a book “Take Off Your Pants”, based on the first words my ex wife spoke to every delivery man who came to our door.
“I Heard You Toast English Muffins” The Chodin Story
When a young author befriends me on my death bed, I really hope his ink doesn’t run out when I get to the part about how I once fucked the Statue of Liberty and how I used to have wings.
This is not to be confused with the other book “I hear you decorate houses”, written about Rock Hudson.
“I Heard You Have A Vibrating Anal Egg” The Fek’lhr Story
I Heard You’re From Oregon” The Glen Story
chodin: “Hey Frank, where’d you get that gangster nickname?”
Frank Sheeran: “I’m Irish, man. Don’t be a pussy- stay in school.”
“I Hear You Mow Yards” The Plight of the Modern Mexican.
“I Can’t Understand A Fucking Thing You Say” The Misssoultaker Story
The last chapter of ‘I Heard You Paint Houses’ is entitled ‘How I Wrote Star Wars In Eight Days’.
“I Like Big Butts And I Can Not Lie” The Sir Mix-A-Lot Story
“I Heard You Guys From Two Blocks Away” The Story of Anyone That’s Slept With Jacktion!
DeNiro’s role is gonna’ make all other actors look like dix…wait, no- they’ll look like amateurs in Dick Town…wait, no FUCK MIKE!
“I Heard Your Thumb Killed And Ate A Bear” The Vance Mantini Story
“I Heard You’re Still Alive” The VegasHustla Story
If Jimmy Hoffa were alive today, I think he’d be pretty much fully decomposed and surrounded by lime, which coincidentally would probably be his favorite fruit. It’s pretty tragic that he isn’t alive to have that experience.
“I Heard You Paint Houses” The REAL Sherwin Williams Story as told by Dutch Boy.
“I Heard You Nearly Hustla’d Al” The Jacktion! Story
‘I’m Gonna’ PUN You In The Stomach’ – The Jacktion! Story.
“I Heard you Suck Dick” – Your mom’s story. Whose mom? Your mom.
“I just kind of lay here and pass gas and drool anyways” The Terri Shaivo story.
“I Heard You Don’t Have A Gag Reflex” were the first words John Holmes ever spoke to Linda Lovelace.
“Oh shit, that was a pretty bad idea” – The Scott Peterson Story.
“I Heard Nothing, Ever” The Hellen Keller story.
He became a hustler and hit man, working for legendary crime boss…Magneto.
“I Heard You Herd” The Babe the Pig Story
“Moonchild? Fucking Moonchild? You’re fucking kidding me right?” – The Neverending Story
“I, Heard” The John Heard Story.
I Heard You Like To Be Pissed On, Little Girl -the R. Kelly story.
“As a boy he took on older kids in bar fights so his dad could win free beer.”
Goddamn, someone fetch this fucker a ribbon.
“I Heard The Bird Is The Word” The Trashmen Story
Sorry I’m late to the party, but you didn’t think I was rolling outta here naked did you?
“Now I only wish I wasn’t me anymore” – The Skee-Lo Story
“I Herd Nerfs” The Han Solo Story.
I Heard A Nerd” The Story of The Bully That Tortured Me
Gotta go check my laundry, more to come!
“I Heard Huckabees” The Story of The Next Door Neighbor of a Presidential Candidate Fighting With His Wife.
“I Heard You’re Cured” The Magic Johnson Story
“I Heard You Paint Mouses,” the Walt Disney story.
“I Heard You Purred” The Garfield Story
“I Heard You Like Myrrh” The Story of One of The Wise Men
I Heard You Take Money For Sex, Melissa Midwest!-The JHC Story
I Heard You Take Money For Guns!-The Nom Story
“I Heard You Stirred” The Not Even A Creature, Not Even A Mouse Story
I Heard a Who -the Horton story
“I’m Smoking Crack Right Now” – The Tim Allen Story
“I Heard You Wear Blouses” The Story of The Guy Who Lives Downstairs From Me
I Heard You Take Sex At Gunpoint, Reverend-The Feklahr Story
“I Heard You, Word” – The Eminem Story
“Hey, Do You Come Here Often? Oh, What’s That!? You’re A Student Here At The Middle School?” – The Chodin Story
“My Life As The Guy From Double Dragon” – THe Pauly Dangerously Story
“I Heard You Were a Dick Teauxcker”-The Erswi Story
I Herd You Fat Chicks Up – Confessions of a Chubby Chaser
“I Heard Keira Knightley Is The Hottest Bitch Ever”-The Bex Story
“I Heard You Hate Trousers” The Story of A Streaker
“I Hurt, You Paint Houses” The Story of The Guy on Disability
“I Heard HAZ!”-The Dub Story
“I Heard You Have Louses” The Kid Who Gave Everyone Lice in the 3rd Grade Story
“I Heard You Have Spouses” The Joseph Smith Story
“Why Yes, my penis WOULD make a great world leader! Thank You for noticing!” – The Nominus Story.
Ok. Really laundry time now. Go about your business.
This Pun War has been brought to You by Jacktion!
“I Heard You Durst” – The Burnsy Story
“I Heard Cattle” – A Boring Cowboy Story
“I Heard the Deftones” – The Chino Moreno Story
“I Heard You Do Laundry” – The Jacktion! Story
{Walks over to group of cool kids in High School commons with suckling pig shoved half-way up ass}
I’m getting this provincial lifestyle down!
I heard Anne Hathaway likes anal. BUT IT WAS A FUCKING LIE!!
“I Paint Warhammer Figurines” – The Fek’ Story
“I Heard You Fucking Mom Last Night.” -The Tourtured Upbringing of Craptastic Story
“I Haerd You Splel Reel Godo” The Craptastic Story
“I, Hurt” – The John Story
“I Heard You Paint Taints” – The FilmDrunk Tell All
{does “cranking up middle finger by twisting thumb” routine to J}
“I Heard Donk & J this Morning Getting C-dog to Bath in a Tub of Shit this Morning” – Things that Lull Me to Sleep Story
“Eyes Blurred, You Ain’t Ugly” The NPA Story.
“I Heard That I Won’t Be Calling You Ever Again” – The Story Of Chodin’s Whorish Ex
“I Heard you Butcher the English Language” – The Craptastic Story
“Just Pretend That Your Asshole Is A Tent And My Dick Is A Camper” – A Cub Master’s Diary
“I Heard I Have Downs, Sis!” the Trig Palin Story (as told to an apple juice box)
“I Heard You Haunt Houses” The Story of Every Scooby-Doo Villain Ever
Joke’s on you, Chod, The Mighty Feklahr paints Gundam models! :P
“I Think I Heard Your Dad Pulling Into The Driveway, FUCK” – The Chodin Story
“I Heard You Steal My Material Last Night” – The Guy That Finally Stands Up to Dane Cook Story
“My Breasts Provide Their Own Lubrication” – A Lactating Wife’s Story.
“I Heard My Movies Suck” The Seltzer and/or Friedberg Story
“I Heard You are All a Batch of Daft Cunts” – The Turdenite Story
I Heard A Lot Of Interesting Stuff About Me on FilmDrunk” The Gary Busey Story
*chodin pulls down pants and bends over*
Alright Fek’, a deals a deal…
“I Heard Comedians Hate Us Both, So Let’s do a Movie Together” – The Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia Story.
“I Can’t Turn Right” – The Dale Earnhardt Jr. Story
“I Heard You Think That I Have Asperger’s” The Sexman Story
“Heard” – The Story Of A Guy Who Misunderstands The Lyrics To A Nine Inch Nails Song
By the way, I’m totally jacking off to this.
“I Heard You Got Blown By A Dude” The Brett Ratner/VegasHustla Story
“I Heard I Should Stop Eating Cake” – The Pradda-Willey Story.
“I Paint Stallions” – The Ennis Del Mar story.
“I Heard You Paint By Numbers” – The Pickup Lines Of Chodin & His Dick
“I Heard Mixing Prescriptions Can Be Bad” The Heath Ledger Story
“I heard you were a woman in politics that no one hates yet, wanna be VP?” The Sarah Palin Story.
“I heard my Uproxxx character wasn’t the hit I expected it to be” The Stone Soup Story.
“I Heard You Fart” – The Fek’s co-workers’ story
“I Heard You Pass Herpes” – The Paris Hilton Story
“I heard You Jacking Off Last Night Son, Use a Sock” – Craptastic’s Adolescence Story
“I Heard Your Taint’s Brown, Miss”, the story of the girl who wiped back to front, as told to her OBGYN.
“I Hawt you Taw a Putty Tat” The Tweety-Pie story
“I bought a new shirt. It’s nice.” The Glen Story.
“I Heard You Are Lousy with Theatans” – The Tom and Kate Courtship Story
Stone, that Uproxxx character will never paint my house.
“I Heard Uproxx Had More Relevant Ads Than Fat Penguin” – The Vince Mancini Story
“I heard you used to have a lot of money in your 401k account” Every American’s story.
“I Heard You’re Gay” – The Untrue Story Of David Gest
Any man who can go to a fancy dress party and get lucky wearing this costume is a god amongst men:
http://tinyurl.com/3ga2k6
“I Heard You Like Baby Ruths” – The Sloth Story
“I Heard This Cup Is Supposed To Let Me Hear Through Walls” – Chodin’s Story: The Puberty Years
“I Heard You’re A Terrible Football Picker” The JHC Story
“I Heard There Was a New Post” – The It’s-about-fucking-time-VaLince Story
“I heard the tree falling in the woods” The story of a guy who doesn’t the philosophical nature of the question.
“I heard there was a new post” The story of the guy who wanted to see if you’d go look.
“I Heard Fucking a Banana is Awesome” – The My Ex-roomate Story
“Stop Leaving Your Buttplug in The Shower” – The My Ex-roomate Story
“If Your Gonna Jack it in the Living Room, Put a Towel Under Your Ass for Fuck’s Sake Dude!” – The My Ex-roomate Story
“I heard Stone Soup drove a VP of a large corporation to send him a nasty email that was then forwarded to several people and may result in some unpleasant times for said VP” The story of my afternoon.
“Stop Leaving Porn Iin the VCR in the Livingroom Bro, My Kids got Tramatized this Morning” – The My Ex-roomate Story
“I Heard Lights” – The Story Of The Guy Who Dropped Acid At The Journey Concert
Crap, I never wrote any of those books?
“I Swear, If I Catch You Dropping Pubes in My Raisin Bran One More Time…” – The My Ex-roomate Story
“Stop Trying to Fuck My Sister” – The My Ex-roomate Story
“I’m Not His Sister, You Can Fuck Me” – The Story Of Chodin & Crap’s Timeshare
New up!
“Please Don’t Demolish My Butt, Man” – The Wesley Snipes Story
… The Guy Who Says New Up! Story
“I Heard Second Place Is The First Loser” – The Mario Van Peebles Story
Mario Van Peebles?
“Wishful Thinking” – The Jacktion(!) Pulling the New Up Gag for the Second Time in One Thread Story
Who the hell brings up Mario Van Peebles?
Sorry, Diremutt. I missed some stuff. Laundry, you know.
Seriously VaLince, stop touching children on their bathing suite parts and earn your keep!
“Who the hell brings up Mario Van Peebles?” – The Story Of A Guy Who Doesn’t Bring Up Mario Van Peebles, Ever
“I’m Running Out of Shit to Post” – The Diremutt Tales
“I’m Eating an Awesome Chicken, Mushroom, and Spinach Sandwich and Typing With My Pinkies” – The Crapbasket Chronicles
“I Heard DeNiro’s In This” -The Story Of Some Asshole Who read The Post
They should make the poster of DeNiro on a telephone, because you know that’s how much effort he’ll put into this film.
“I’m Hungry As Fuck” – The Story Of Some Black Kid I Saw On Some Donation Commercial
I don’t paint houses, I paint kleenex.
“I Heard You Paint Houses” – Me outside of Home Depot to some mojados.
” Robert DeNiro is attached to play the lead, Frank “the Irishman” Sheeran [while his mole will play the entire fucking police force]. “
“It’s Just a Cold” – The Jim Henson Story
That house paint has dried since Vince put this post up.
“I Heard You Fuck Sheep” The Idiot’s Guide To Living In Nebraska
“I Don’t Get it Either” – The Success Story of Mark Wahlberg
“I Heard With Leather has a Totally Spankable Dot Head Post Up” – Bored Mothfucker Story.
“Only In America” The Story of How Mutt Lang Got Shania Twain To Fuck Him
*beating a dead horse*
“I Heard Him Say Douche” – The Manfred Manns Earth Band Story
http://palinispregnant.ytmnd.com/
This cracked me up.
“I Heard Obama is a Muslim” – Red State Retard Stories
“I heard Tina Fey will be sitting in for Sarah Palin in tonight’s debate” Wishes Sarah Palin
LINCE HAS FORSHAKKEN US!
Would someone please be a dear and post the link to the comments nomination thread? Pretty please?
“I Heard You Can Nominate Comments Here” – The http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/?p=4047 Story
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/?p=4047
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/?p=4047
There ya go, dear.
Wow, Chino says jump…
How high?
Yessir! I am drunk with power. Thanks!
Dor sho gha! Nekkid fatty pics at Turden!
Just victims of the in-house drive-by!
Thought I was lyin’ about dem fatty pics? I don’t lie about shit like dat!
“I Heard I Missed Some Shit While Doing Actual Work” the Jokerswild story
At the Fooor orrshak/
That’s where it’s at/
Fooorr orrsak/
Yeah that’s where it’s at
I got me a Grethor/
It’s as big as a whale/
And it’s about to epic fail
“I Heard I Dursted This Mofo Like Mayor McCheese in a Scriptwriting Session” the Jokerswild story pt. II
“I Heard This Is NOT The Best Thread Ever” – The Internet Story
DM, despite interrupting my durst moment that get’s you a nomination for my almost being Hustla’d.
“I heard there’s a New Up!” – My Story
Just doing my part to help the economy by trying to get you fired.
New Up! Really!
I heard there’s a New Up too. The Vince finally got up off his ass story.