10.08.08 CHODIN REVIEWS LOST BOYS 2: THE TRIBE

I don’t usually do this, but after I sent Chodin a Lost Boys 2: The Tribe DVD as his Comment of the Week prize, he sent me his review.  Despite the fact that it took him no less than six emails to get it properly attached, and his email address has “Tim Allen” in the title, it’s actually a pretty fine review.  Anyway, without further ado, here it is, and no, I didn’t understand the picture either. -Vince

Hey, remember the time you made your copy of The Lost Boys make out with your Point Break DVD?  Well guess what, asshole: they just had a f-cking baby.

The Lost Boys sequel, recently full-released on DVD, because theaters would rather burn to the ground than thread its 94 minutes through their projectors. Aptly titled Lost Boys: The Tribe, this time around we follow Victor and Thomas, two young Native American men, who don’t do shit all day except for ride around and talk about John Wayne’s teeth.

Okay, but really: as the movie begins, we meet up with ex pro surfer Chris Emerson (Tad Hilgenbrinck) and his sister Nicole (Autumn Reeser), as they have just moved to a secluded beach town after both their parents die in a car accident; don’t feel bad though, Chris and Nicole’s parents were shitty drivers, so really it was God’s smiting. Anyway, of course there’s also another ex pro surfer living in the same town, Shayne Powers (Angus Sutherland- great name asshole, how’d you get the part?), whom we come to find out is also the leader of a local vampire gang.

Basically Shayne and his friends can live forever, so they spend their time doing what any vampire tribe would do: going big in the quarter pipe and playing Gears of War on Xbox 360 (no, I’m f-cking serious here). Eventually Shayne ends up throwing a kickass vampire kegger at his kickass vampire beach house, where he gives Chris’ little sister Nicole some vampire blood (cheap date rape trick) and then eventually has unprotected vampire sex with her. Now I’ve never chugged blood or f-cked a Sutherland before, but according to this film, I guess, it turns you into a half-vampire.

It’s at this point in the flick that Corey Feldman wanders on screen, looking for his agent, and coincidentally gets to reprise his role as Edgar Frog. Corey spends the rest of the feature talking like that ginger kid from The Little Rascals Movie, however he does still manage to help Chris save his sister from becoming a Hot Topic employee. It’s at this point that the credits begin to role and you get to listen to a song that sounds like it was made using instruments built entirely of human shit. So really, even when the good guys win, you still lose for having watched this DVD.

But hey, it’s not like we’re talking about I Now Prolapse You Chuck And Larry, I mean there were some redeeming qualities for The Tribe:

First and foremost, I feel legally obliged to reveal that everyone’s favorite saxophone player does in fact make a cameo at the 13-minute mark, I think. I only mention “I think” because if this is in-fact the same Greasy Sax Dude from all of our gay bedtime stories, then I regret to report that time has not been kind to the G.S.D. He’s still rocking the no shirt/erect saxophone style that he trademarked back in ‘87, only now Greasy Sax Dude looks like Jared before Subway. I can only compare this level of disappointment to the time your mother saw her high school boyfriend at the reunion. Twenty years ago, Ted was the chiseled stallion that all the girls wanted, but now he’s trying to hide his bald spot while handing out business cards for his printer repair company.

Secondly, if you’re not drinking pals with Corey Feldman and fear that you’d otherwise never get to hear him deliver lines like “Who ordered the steak?” and “Next we have my air-propelled-rocket grenade launcher for holy-water balloons”, then this is the DVD that you need to get, like right now, bro.

Last, The Tribe offers up something special for all of my fellow little brothers out there: I’m talking about short, black guys…alright, maybe I’m not. Regardless, you can all stop begging your mom to get HBO, because this DVD offers up two, count ‘em, two separate pairs of tits in it, half a girl’s ass hanging out of her jeans, another chick’s ass squished up against a glass shower door, you get a statutory rape scene (only the girl looks nothing like a 17-year-old, at least the ones that I’ve had) and finally it all rounds out with a fire-side lesbian kiss for your pseudo gay aunt to rewind.

In closing, Lost Boys: The Tribe is the kind of film that the minds behind shrimp flavored Top Ramen would produce; they’re taking something that people genuinely enjoyed the first time around and then tainting it with a shitty taste. Speaking of “tainting” and “shitty taste”, have your little sister call me once she wakes up from the coma.