TRAILER FOR LATEST EASTWOOD JOINT
09.12.08
Wait, don’t tell me, I know how this fantasy goes…
Angelina Jolie and John Malkovich star in The Changeling, Clint Eastwood’s latest uplifting heartwarmer. It tells the true story of some chick whose son was kidnapped, only to be returned by the LAPD, except the son they returned isn’t actually her son. She dares to complain (I guess the new kid’s a douche or something), and expose LAPD corruption in the process, and they respond by throwing her in mental institution – and not a modern sit-in-a-circle-and-talk mental institution, an old 1940s beat-you-with-sticks-electrocute-your-nuts-until-you-stop-acting-crazy mental institution. Knowing Eastwood, it will probably end with a lobotomized Jolie drooling on the scarf she’s been forced to knit while Malkovich cries because he couldn’t save her and then commits suicide.
Here’s my impression of Spike Lee watching this: Blah blah blah white people blah blah blah more white people blah blah blah – that’s it?! I demand you go back and shoot a scene with Nick Cannon in it!
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Nick Cannon?
Vince, now you’re just wildin’ out.
This is kind of like the time I called the LAPD and told them “some black guy stole my car”. I never did get my car back, but I heard they beat the shit out of a lot of people that night.
This is sort of like the time I tried to return some chicks underwear to her, but she got all offended because apparently she didn’t wear diapers.
Angelina knew it wasn’t HER son when he tried to tap that fine ass.
Malkovich should play the son they return to her.
Angelina would never turn down a kid.
Angelina: “Yes, hello LAPD? Um, you guys returned a son to me and now I can’t get him to stop breast feeding.”
Angelina knew it wasn’t her son because he was white.
In reality Jolie would have just said, “Well, it’s not the exact one I was looking for, but I’ll take it!”
The Changling is coincidentally what I called my youngest son during potty training.
Look Vince, don’t fucking try telling us about mental institutions, okay? We’ve seen the video for ‘Basketcase’ too, you know.
I don’t understand how Nick Cannon got Mariah Carey. Was it Drumline? Cuz, I’m not bragging or anything, but I’m no slouch playing Rock Band on the ex-bocks.
{shakes fist at uaPly}
You know when you see a tired assed old couple that finishes each others sentences because they’ve been together so long that they think alike…
{winks all around to the CJC}
Brad: “It sounds like a great project, but what’s the film about?”
Angelina: “I get a son…”
Brad: “Yeah, that’s cool- again, it sounds like a great project, but what’s the fucking film about?”
Nick Cannon is worse that Hitler…his career has coincidentally killed more people too.
And yet Michael Westin still went on to be a successful CIA operative.
*winks to entire circle in accordance with all CJC rules*
*shakes fist at dick, gives Crap a thumbs-up*
Nancy Grace saw this clip and immediately launched a campaign to find Walter Collins.
Turns out the kid wasn’t abducted, he just left when he realized his name was Walter.
This reminds me of my stay at a mental institution.
I was only faking the crazy cause insane chicks are easy to fuck.
Spoiler Alert:
The kid was across the street at the Parkers’ the whole time.
This one time I accidentally killed my brother’s gold fish. I rushed out to the pet store, payed my cash, and managed to get home before him.
That was a great day. Mom would only let us keep one pet in the house, and I’d always wanted a turtle.
She knew it wasn’t her kid because he was 17 and kept asking to breast feed.
I lose babies does the shower drain every day.
Keep’em. I don’t want them back.
That hose scene looks familiar.
*texts roommate to make sure Jenny is chained up*
They would have took her more seriously about the kid not being her’s if her initial reaction was “Who, in the fuck, is this little fuck-nut?”
Malkovich plays the best “guy with mustache” I’ve ever seen.
In the kid’s defense, I would have ran away too because Angelina’s Hamburger Helper is for shit.
Malkovich is the gay man’s Hulk Hogan.
I once lost a kid, but then totally managed to save face and replace him with another dead boy before anyone noticed.
…beat-you-with-sticks-electrocute-your-nuts-until-you-stop-acting-crazy…
Funny, that’s my childrearing philosophy in a nutshell.
{turns quickly and frightens child who cowers under table}
Stupid little puss.
Hey assholes, you wanna’ know how you don’t lose a kid?
You never take them outside.
I just dropped some kids off and I will be pissed if they find their way back.
That’s what the McDonald’s counter looks like in Inglewood.
She loved Walter, but sooner or later he was just going to have to realize that he was a fucking moron.
She would oftern yell, “Fuck Walter! Why does everything have to be such a fucking travesty with you, man?!”
Walter would always say, “Fuckit.” and then go bowling.
I wonder if Spike Lee would be satisfied if they end up finding her son floating down the Mississippi on a makeshift raft with Michael Clarke Duncan.
new up, forshak-hut dwelling yIntaghs!