When it comes to über-awkward celebrity interviews, no one beats MTV movie blog – see also Tom Hanks, Brendan Fraser, Matthew Fox, and the incomparable James Franco. Most recently, they showed up to an event at Best Buy headlined by Macguyver, the mom from That 70s Show, and Steven Seagal. First, Seagal threatens to walks out early because the lights are too bright. Rowr, grizzly hate light, put back in cave! Then someone must’ve fed him a live salmon or something, because he agreed to stay long enough to do an interview in which he reveals:
He doesn’t know who Sarah Palin is.
He’s selling an energy drink (perhaps one of the side effects is light sensitivity?)
He’s selling “oils”. Hopefully not freshly squozen.
Grrr, grizzly hate Van Damme.
All in all, pretty much your basic roused-from-weeks-of-slumber time with Steven Seagal. Additionally, read my favorite Steven Seagal story, after the jump.
From the book Live From New York:
David Spade: [Seagal] didn’t want to go along with what the plan was that week, and as a result, I think that was the first week that I heard talk about replacing the host and just doing a cast show.
Julia Sweeney: When we pitched our ideas for Seagal at our Monday meeting, he gave us some of his own sketch ideas. And some of his sketch ideas were so heinous, but so hilariously awful, it was like we were on Candid Camera.
He had this idea that he’s a therapist and he wanted Victoria Jackson to be his patient who’s just been raped. And the therapist says, “You’re going to have to come to me twice a week for like three years,” because, he said, “that’s how therapists fucking are. They’re just trying to get your money.” And then he says that the psychiatrist tries to have sex with her.
In conclusion, Steven Seagal rules.



The Mighty Feklahr likes His orcs “freshly squozen”. See, He plays a little game at night where He slips on His Sean Michaels Cock Ring, pretends it makes Him invisible like Smeagol, then he goes and strangles “orcs” (homeless people/hitch-hikers/cheerleaders/vagrants/prostitutes).
ROFLKOTAL! They never see it coming! Get it? Double entendre!
I swear to god, I’ve farted in the grocery store and received more applause than Segal got when he was introduced.
That was you JHC? Awesome gas, sir.
*Lorne Michaels scribbles furiously*
therapist…tries sex with… rape victim. Our season is saved after all!
Is it me, or is McGuyver looking a little puffy and worn?
He is one motorcycle accident away from being Busey.
SNL has gotten so bad that for an hour and a half Saturday night I hated James Franco.
Because the ring makes me invisible, and they are all LONG dead before I ejaculate.
Yeah, I’m not going to lie. If you put a camera on Segal live for an hour and a half, I would break out the chips and dip and plant my ass on the sofa. This is more than I can say for SNL for the past 4 years.
Bonus: Add 1 part guitar, and 1 part Gary Busey. Fuck! Could you imagine the ratings? I would invite people over. And I hate people.
None of Steven Seagal’s oils can be considered “Extra Virgin”
Eib, your avatar reminded me that I’m supposed to throttle Brett Ratner upside the head and shoulders for fucking up what could’ve been the best of the X-Men movies. Thanks.
SNL is still
onrelevantfunny? None of the above?Steven Seagal sweats into every batch of his energy drink, because he thinks that’s how it’s supposed to work.
No script, no plot, maybe just random flashcards with words and have them run with it.
When I worked as a waiter on the beach in Key West, there was a seagull who always tried to beat up the other seagulls. I named him Steven.
When Steven Seagal meditates, Buddha lactates.
Steven Seagal’s alarm clock has three different time settings: 6 am, 8:30 am, and spring.
Alright, seriously, who has the number to a Hollywood type? The Busey/Segal Power Hour has got to be better than 85% of the shit they hear everyday. And the damn Kardashians have a reality show.
Steven Seagal is pretending to be light-sensitive because he hears that Twilight moms are total sluts.
Glad I could help JHC
Steven Seagal can’t tell the difference between a telescope and a kaleidoscope.
When The Mighty Feklahr went to a Key West Denny’s at 4 in the morning with three strippers, a homeless guy sleeping in the gravel parking lot yelled at us for being noisy.
Then a seagull swooped down and beat his ass! The Mighty One can only assume it was Steven.
(Guess which part of that story is true!)
Steven Seagal’s real last name is Einstein. He got the idea for his stage name when he cut in front of a German guy on line at Arby’s.
I’ve decided this joke isn’t funny, so I’m not going to finish it.
Steven Seagal has a pager and a cell phone. If you give him your number, he’ll page it to himself so he doesn’t forget it.
Just for the record, watching Steven Seagal cutting a German guy in line at Arby’s would be much more entertaining than SNL.
Why do I picture Steven Seagal’s oil production involving a bunch of silk shirts he’s worn for one day, piled in a giant tub with a peasant girl stomping on them?
Steven Seagal doesn’t call it “throwing up”, he calls it “reincarnating breakfast”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Finish the joke!
Was that the Denny’s on the corner of Duval and Truman, oh Mighty One? Or was it the one on the other side of the island, in the hotel?
Steven Seagal is the poor man’s Katey Segal. What?
BTK, I would still fuck Katey Segal. Steven, not so much.
Steven Seagal calls every element on the periodic table “Stevenite”
Jack-Truman and Duval ;)
I like that the joke is ambigious, like Jacktion!s sexuality
Steven Seagal is constantly petitioning that Seven-Up add the missing ‘T’ to its name.
Steven Seagal and Val Kilmer should do an action movie called “Power Lunch.”
We’ll just all have to agree not to tell them it’s a comedy.
Steven Seagal is convinced that he is always facing North.
I’m done.
Making Steven Seagal jokes is like shooting fish in a barrel.
Actually, it’s more like looking at fish in barrel.
No, making Steven Seagal jokes is like being near a barrel.
Steven Seagal also suggested that Wayne and Garth should be portrayed by Cambodian he/shes.
I want bacon. I think I’m going to make some bacon.
The fella in the Gay Bear Dating banner ad looks like a chunky Ed Norton. Hoo boy. If i’m the only one getting that ad then i’m gonna sue, and sign up.
Steven Seagal’s Ponytail is comparable to the Lasso of Truth….
Stupid and Pointless
Great. I don’t get butter faces in short skirts smoking out back, I get the Emo triplets. How is it non-conformist to all have the same haircut again? I caught myself checking their arms for razor marks.
Steven Seagal has created a charity foundation to help restore dignity to the Buffalo who have been stripped of their ability to fly by greedy restaurateurs.
Steven Seagal has met a few gay sherpas in Tibet and let me tell you, he’s pissed at all of you for your callous jokes.
Steven Seagal has been documented on many occasions jumping off cliffs trying to save the President’s Daughter…
Though it was only his echo…
Steven Seagal says the abominable snowman isn’t that bad a guy, really.
Steven Seagal gives tips on the suicide hotline.
“Ok, now karate chop yourself in the face REALLY hard!”
I saw the Restaurateurs in concert once. They were alright.
Mmmm… this is some good bacon!
MIZ – if it’s any consolation, I think we’ve just ended miniskirt season out back here.
Steven Seagal says thank you to welcome mats.
Steven Seagal is one of those guys that you either love or you hate, or you think he’s OK.
Anybody else Pie-R-8 the new Mitch stuff yet?
That is a damn shame. I think the Emo infestation is just beginning. Where did I put that Weed Eater? Ah, right next to the electrical tape…
Seagal needs to embrace Van Damme (er, FOOTBALL!!!). If you could put the CockPuncher in a buddy sequel to that Van Damme movie about the exploding blue jeans, think of all the drama you could mine …
Seagal (wearing some quasi-Asian bullshit): I need to punch that guy’s cock to save this orphanage, but what if he is wearing explosive blue jeans?
Van Damme (wearing a pink leotard): Don’t try to think. Close your eyes and FEEL the cock. LISTEN to the cock. What is it telling you?
Steven Seagal calls his man-goo rag his “dream catcher”
There’s new Hedberg material? This is a dilemma. I love Hedberg but I hate zombies.
Steven Seagal is going to vote for Obama. He thinks it’s about time that a nice Irish boy make it to the highest office in the land.
Mike Myers suggested they do a sketch making fun of The Glimmer Man and Seagal pissed in his ear.
Donk! I call my man-goo rag my “dream catcher”! Stay away from
my houseofficethe pre school down the street!I should have got it on Friday, erswi, but I forgot. That was national Download Like A Pirate Day, right?
Steven Seagal thinks that his Kimono Gives him Super powers… But in reality the only power he gets is the one to look like a Jack@ss
It’s some new stuff, and some older shit. Good quality concert stuff that his girlfriend or something released recently. It’s good but if you’re a Mitch fan it’s not groundbreaking.
Erswi, are you also a self-proclaimed tibetan holy man?
FYI Burnsy….In all reality Mike Myers gets off in Golden Showers.. specially in the ear
BTK Jack, I thought you celebrated it as National Talk Like a Butt-Pirate Day. It wassssss faaaaabu-lous!
Naww, I’m an ordained minister with the Universal Life Church. With all the perks. Like free parking at any hospital. Pimpin’.
Bye the way, “man goo rag”? That’s fucking disgusting.
Call it a male-o-naise jar, like normal people.
Steven Seagal isn’t seen often because he’s busy writing his opus, a seventeen hundred page long answer to the question “Why so serious?”
New Up!
Erswi, EVERY day is Talk Like A Butt Pirate Day for me.
Steven Seagal owns the world’s only supply of number 2 1/2 pencils.
Sorry Jack. I forgot for a sec that you’re a theater fag.