Relax, ma’am, God is here to help.  Wait, you’re not some kind of homo, right?

Wacky evangelicals are pretty much convinced the rest of us will be burning in hell for all eternity, which is why they produce and market movies without the taint of our dirty secular money.  Hehe, “taint”.  The backstory on this is that Krazy Kirk Kameron, formerly of Growing Pains, made a movie called Fireproof, about a fireman and his wife, with a not-so-subtle theme of helping people avoid brimstone and the gnashing teeth of satan’s minions and such.

To market it, they’ve stolen a page from the Nigerian’s scammer playbook (and their grammar guide) and are employing chain emails.  Here’s one, forwarded to me by a faithful FilmDrunkard who adds, “I have no idea who this woman is, or why she sent me this. So now you can have it.”

Dear Friends,
Greetings from Dallas, Texas. I want to highly recommend a movie that
will be released September 26th called “Fireproof”.  I was privileged
this summer to see a full screening of this movie and in my opinion it
is outstanding. As of July the screening itself was making an impact.
Teenagers were giving the review that it was giving them HOPE!  At the
same point of time in the screening process, it was 16% above the
Passion of the Christ which was at 76% approval rate it was already at
92% approval rate.

Passion is listed at 50% approved on RottenTomatoes and 46% on Metacritic, and Firepoof’s listing has no reviews yet on either.  The discrepancy is probably some customs snafu – I bet if you send a cashier’s check they’ll tell you where the numbers came from.  More crazy after the jump

This movie is on covenant marriage.
[I wonder if covenant is good in the sack!  ...I'll let myself out.]
It is made by the same church that
made “Facing the Giants”, which surprised the entertainment world with
its success and was done with a shoestring budget.  This church sought
the Lord and asked what He wanted them to do next and He said a movie
on “covenant marriage”. It is full of adventure, humor, marriage
struggle and reconciliation, overcoming pornography and parental
reconciliation, PLUS a potent presentation of the gospel with
salvation. It is a winner all the way around for the cause of Christ.

I encourage you to personally see it, it is meaningful and good
entertainment as well.  Also if you know any couples in a marriage
struggle…pay their way and send them on a date! Want to strengthen
any marriage? It’s worth it.

Those of you overseas it will make its way to you in the future. When
it comes to making a statement to Hollywood it would be good for as
many as possible to go to the opening weekend.

Love in Christ,

Sally Green

Well, hell – er, heck – now I know what I’m doing that weekend.  But hold up, I’ve heard Christianity is against buttf*cking.  That’s just an ugly rumor, right?

Sidenote: I wonder what Tim and Trevor think about this.