Oh god, please just take the money and let me go.
Opening today is Everybody Wants To Be Italian (link goes to the trailer), which is about a “lovelorn fishmonger” who has been obsessed with his ex-girlfriend (now married with three kids) for the past eight years. His friends set him up on a blind date with an Italian-American girl, so he pretends to be Italian, too.
This is a romantic comedy, but they missed a perfect opportunity for a horror movie. Lovelorn fishmonger obsesses over one girl for eight years, then decides the first new girl he dates — a woman he has not yet seen — will be his true love if he just arbitrarily pretends to be someone he’s not. That’s a horror movie. That’s a guy that kidnaps women and takes them out to sea to be his fishwife, then bones them, then debones them, then discards their remains to wash up on the beach. They could call the movie Guido Beach.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/72/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/imacyborgbutthatsok-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/if-you-liked-the-wolf-of-wall-street-youll-love-the-wolves-of-wall-street-starring-eric-roberts-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/Marilyn-Monroe-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/michael-cera-plays-a-weird-fruity-psycho-in-magic-magic-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
“Just ask yourself, what would a fisherman do?”
Gut the bitch, right?
I keep my bathtub stocked with remora for masturbation purposes.
They could call the movie “Chum”
Horror movie? Playa, that’s my fucking fantasy.
I think a fisherman would be the kind of guy women with feminine odor issues would want to date.
No, JHC, those are the women that date douches
Where’s that fucking rimshot button Vince was talking about.
Nicely played Eib.
So-a, which-a hand-a do you want-a chained to the anchor-a?
[www.instantrimshot.com]
While the movie looks horrible, the tits bouncing on the beach look pretty amazing. Maybe one of the best trailers I’ve seen this year.
I’m like a fishmonger, but with underage sex slaves.
The upside is that a Billy Bass is much cheaper than a Real Doll.
They hit it off when they realize they have the same facial hair in common.
Man, if I had a nickel for everytime I have to explain all the aprons covered in blood I throw away.
“Holy shit, thats a lot of bloody aprons.”
“Yeah, I’ve been slammed this week at work.”
“Dude, you work in real esate.”
“…”
*Slash to the throat*
He sang a sad song over love once lost, now he’s carrying a different tuna.
Somehow, Everybody Wants To Be Italian isn’t racist, but when I try to pitch my “Everybody Loves The German” sitcom, the Hollywood Jews go nuts. Is it because the theme song is just a series of hissing noises?
A fishmonger and an Italian girl?
He may not have been throwing out the right kinda bait, but he still managed to land himself a WOP-er.
She discovers he’s not really italian when she notices his hands stay perfectly still when he talks.
So this is about a fishmonger that uses a red herring to score with chicks? Clever.
I’ll see your tuna Donk, and raise you a herring.
Not a dago by without my wishing I was Italian.
This movie’s gonna be crappie.
If Mark’s gonna see your tuna, Donk, can I be next?
Being a fishmonger, I don’t think he makes the kind of money to buy enough gold chains to pull this off.
I like her tits bouncing, but I really want to see her bass.
They both get sick at some point because she thinks salmonella is a nice Italian couple and he thinks it’s a fish and pasta dish.
Everybody wants to be Italian at the Olive Garden.
From where I perch, this movie looks much worse than Disney/Pixar’s Wall-Eye.
The original version of this had the fisherman pretending to be British. It was called Sex and the Sea, Tea
J, sorry for the delay brotha but I won’t be on all day until I get back to work. Too much shit to do around the house today. My wife’s original due date was Dec 6th, but her OB is saying that mid to late november is more likely. I’ll keep you posted on further development with the spawn of erswi and the storm recovery as I can get back to the site.
After eight years of not having sex, one glance at her body makes him want to grouper.
Holy mackerel that was a horrible pun.
Seriously, they should have called this Hold the Anchovy
This chick is gonna leave him eventually for a ugly black dude anyways. I’ll see your perch’s and shit and raise you a Marlin Wayans.
Just glad you and family are ok, ERswi
With this breakthrough role, that actor is going to have to deal with a lot of obsessed groupers.
I wonder if his buddies at the wharf called the lovelorn fisherman “Mr. Baiter” behind his back.
I asked myself…and the answer? he would smell like cunt.
This fishmonger is gonna give that nice girl crabs.
Donk, although we came close to crossing swordfish, I think both our posts stand up.
“Baby,let me pick you up in my IROC, because I rock.”
I hit the skins for the halibut, just for the yell I get. Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmm for the smell of it.
So are they running the Beta version for test audiences?
Oh yeah, I went freshwater.
If she teases him any more in the bedroom, he’s going to get bluegills.
The only way I will see this movie is if she shows off her red snapper.
Authorities flounder body three weeks later when it washed ashore.
She figures out he’s not Italian when he tries to help her make a big pot of sauce to put away for the winter and he doesn’t know how to coelacanth.
In the sequel, he gets rich, forgets his roots and becomes yet another spoiled guppy.
Oh yeah I went PREHISTORIC on your asses!
Stinky, cryptozoologists the world over just came in their pants.
Later, she’ll probably eat his sperm whale. Wait, that’s japanese. Fuck it, I’ll stand by my nautical pun.
The original script had him as dyslexic. She realized he was a fishmonger when, after sending him a text message, he brought her his rock cod.
I would never see this movie on porpoise.
So he pretends to be Italian huh? Talk about working an angler.
She’s going to flip when he finally drops trout and she realizes he’s not Italian.
Holy carp there’s alot of fish jokes in this thread.
This movie idea is perfect. Finally, through audience manipulation, they’ve managed to engage a sense other than sight and sound while you’re in the theater to make you feel like you’re actually there.
<– Armed landshark would save the girl (if she were on land)
It has always been my experience at sea for lengths of time to ask the question “what wouldn’t a fisherman do?” Just ask the starfish. They will probably never recover.
If he doesn’t get his way, heads are going to roe.
Pretending to be Italian is a pretty pathetic way to be trolling for pussy. I find it easier to get your chum to play wingman in order to snag a woman to play with your crankbait. I just hope I meet her size limit.
Fixing him up on a date was the only way to get him to stop pouting.
It’s there, you just have to squint a little….
She finds out he’s not really Italian one day when he slips and puts on real cologne instead of Axe body spray.
Its an interesting idea for a movie, but it just doesn’t have a good hook to make me want to see it.
Its going to do terrible in the box office standings because they can only report the net earnings.
Are we not doing this anymore? Hello?
She finds out that he’s not really Italian when she notices a hint of jealousy in his face when they’re watching The Godfather and they get to the line “Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.”
To get girls, I just act coy. Hook, line, and sinker.
Its going to get an NC17 rating for the gratuitous “poop decking” he gives her.
This guy’s acting career is starting to look very bleak. In fact, put him on my dead pool because he will be a croaker by the end of the year.
Not as obscure as Stinky’s, but they’re in there.
She finds out he’s not really Italian when it comes to light that he doesn’t still live with his mother.
I know Family Guy is frowned upon here but Peter speaking Italian just because he has a moustache made me laugh
[www.youtube.com]
New up
What about Mr. Lundgren? I guess what I’m asking is Dolphin this?
She knows he’s not Italian when he shows up for a date dressed in a shirt with sleeves and sweat pants that are only one color.
Goddammit charlie.
New Up!