09.05.08 GUIDO BEACH: STALKER EDITION
Oh god, please just take the money and let me go.
Opening today is Everybody Wants To Be Italian (link goes to the trailer), which is about a “lovelorn fishmonger” who has been obsessed with his ex-girlfriend (now married with three kids) for the past eight years. His friends set him up on a blind date with an Italian-American girl, so he pretends to be Italian, too.
This is a romantic comedy, but they missed a perfect opportunity for a horror movie. Lovelorn fishmonger obsesses over one girl for eight years, then decides the first new girl he dates — a woman he has not yet seen — will be his true love if he just arbitrarily pretends to be someone he’s not. That’s a horror movie. That’s a guy that kidnaps women and takes them out to sea to be his fishwife, then bones them, then debones them, then discards their remains to wash up on the beach. They could call the movie Guido Beach.
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/lost-chick-lipbite-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/bitchslap-3-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/wolfman-international-poste-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/jeffbridges-crazyheart-blak-150x150.jpg)
There are 75 comments about:
GUIDO BEACH: STALKER EDITION
“Just ask yourself, what would a fisherman do?”
Gut the bitch, right?
I keep my bathtub stocked with remora for masturbation purposes.
They could call the movie “Chum”
Horror movie? Playa, that’s my fucking fantasy.
I think a fisherman would be the kind of guy women with feminine odor issues would want to date.
No, JHC, those are the women that date douches
Where’s that fucking rimshot button Vince was talking about.
Nicely played Eib.
So-a, which-a hand-a do you want-a chained to the anchor-a?
http://www.instantrimshot.com
While the movie looks horrible, the tits bouncing on the beach look pretty amazing. Maybe one of the best trailers I’ve seen this year.
I’m like a fishmonger, but with underage sex slaves.
The upside is that a Billy Bass is much cheaper than a Real Doll.
They hit it off when they realize they have the same facial hair in common.
Man, if I had a nickel for everytime I have to explain all the aprons covered in blood I throw away.
“Holy shit, thats a lot of bloody aprons.”
“Yeah, I’ve been slammed this week at work.”
“Dude, you work in real esate.”
“…”
*Slash to the throat*
He sang a sad song over love once lost, now he’s carrying a different tuna.
Somehow, Everybody Wants To Be Italian isn’t racist, but when I try to pitch my “Everybody Loves The German” sitcom, the Hollywood Jews go nuts. Is it because the theme song is just a series of hissing noises?
A fishmonger and an Italian girl?
He may not have been throwing out the right kinda bait, but he still managed to land himself a WOP-er.
She discovers he’s not really italian when she notices his hands stay perfectly still when he talks.
So this is about a fishmonger that uses a red herring to score with chicks? Clever.
I’ll see your tuna Donk, and raise you a herring.
Not a dago by without my wishing I was Italian.
This movie’s gonna be crappie.
If Mark’s gonna see your tuna, Donk, can I be next?
Being a fishmonger, I don’t think he makes the kind of money to buy enough gold chains to pull this off.
I like her tits bouncing, but I really want to see her bass.
They both get sick at some point because she thinks salmonella is a nice Italian couple and he thinks it’s a fish and pasta dish.
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