There was a veritable dickload of solid comments from last week, but I had to go with my gut, Witty Nickname‘s response to the above video from the KIRK CAMERON HATES KISSING GIRLS post.  It’s one of my favorite FilmDrunk comments of all time.

“I’m going to PROVE to you that evolution is false by demonstrating how the human hand is perfectly formed to eat monkey food.”

Seems obvious now, doesn’t it?  Congrats to Witty, who wins Dario Argento’s unrated Mother of Tears on DVD.  I don’t know if it’s good, but I’m betting his daughter Asia gets naked in it.  Nothing creepy about that.  As always, see the runners up after the jump, and use the comments section to nominate your favorites for next week.

Stinky Peet’s suggested in scene for the upcoming Hollywood adaptation of Moby Dick would’ve been a winner any other week:

OPENING SCENE

A deserted pier, with several COMMERCIAL FISHING BOATS docked in the background.

STAGE LEFT enters a LONE FIGURE walking slowly under a street lamp. SHIA LeBOUF stares out at the ocean. In the distance is heard the roar of SPEEDBOAT ENGINES.

Cut to WATER, two boats engaged in a pursuit enter the MARINA at high speed. One is piloted by TWO MEN in dark raingear, they are being chased by a second boat piloted by ANGELINA JOLIE.

The first boat misjudges the height of the pier and strikes a piling, EXPLODING on impact. Just before the second boat hits, JOLIE leaps into the air, does a DOUBLE BACK SOMERSAULT with ONE TWIST, and lands at LeBOUF’s feet.

They stand under the STREETLIGHT. JOLIE stares at LeBOUF then walks toward him passing just to his LEFT. As she does she places a BUSINESS CARD in his LEFT FRONT POCKET and leans in, her LIPS brushing his EAR.

JOLIE: “Call me, Ishmael . . .”

END SCENE

John Wayne in a Devo Hat’s description of this picture of Samuel L. Jackson:

“Welcome To Motherf-ckin’ Hot Topic. May I Help You Motherf-ckin’ Find Somethin’?”

And of course, Steven Seagal proved fertile for material.  Ew.

JHC says, “I swear to god, I’ve farted in the grocery store and received more applause than Segal got when he was introduced.”

Donkey Hodey says, “Steven Seagal doesn’t call it ‘throwing up’, he calls it ‘reincarnating breakfast’”

Stone Soup says, “Why do I picture Steven Seagal’s oil production involving a bunch of silk shirts he’s worn for one day, piled in a giant tub with a peasant girl stomping on them?”

Also from the now-it-seems-obvious files:

[From the Jimmy Smits stabs co-star Jeff Chase post] Andy Pandy says, “Maybe the Headline should read . . . “Jimmy Smits cuts to the Chase””

From Ebert Pwns a Noob:

Burnsy says, “Robert Ebert’s MySpace name is ~R@g3r RaBb!t~W00t***RiP Sisko”

Chodin says, “Ebert’s chin looks like a helmet strap built out of an ass cheek.”

From the Sarah Palin Disney thread:

The Mighty Feklahr says, “The good news is, she can use the protective head-gear for her baby!”

Witty Nickname says, “MTV is reporting that there will be a spin-off musical about Bristol Palin entitled ‘Pulling the Goalie’.”

Non-sequitirish, still awesome:

[From the Shyamalan ponders Unbreakable 2 post] Rotwangchung says, “I think I’m going to name my first kid  ‘M. Night Football.’”

Last but not least:

[From the Steven Chow Directs Green Hornet post] Charlie Br0nze says, “The role of Cato was originally offered to Stephen Ciao but he waved bye bye on the project to pursue pussycats with his shirt undone.”

[Same post] Rotwangchung, “There were going to make the female version of this called The WASP, but the hero is just a xanaxed-housewife whose “manservant” is a seventeen-year-old pool boy. She doesn’t so much fight crime, as she just hits the car door locks and drives really fast past it.”

[From Nic Cage plays a Knight] Diremutt says:

Brave, brave, brave! Brave Sir Noggin!
His face was huge!
His eyes were small!
His agent was shit!
His career did fall!
Brave brave bold ol’ Sir Noggin!

Congratulations to all those recognized.  You have proved yourselves worthy of the title, “Funniest Guy at the Office”.