Johnny and Tim returning from the hobo yard sale
Sorry to squeeze this into one post, but at a Walt Disney Showcase in Hollywood, Johnny Depp announced that not only is he signed on for Pirates of the Carribbean 4, he’ll also play Tonto in Jerry Bruckheimer’s production of The Lone Ranger – two of the stupidest f-cking ideas in history and just the kind of thing you expect from Jerry Bruckheimer (GRR, RESERVED COWBOY JUSTICE!). Meanwhile, Depp has also been confirmed to play the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s adaptation of Alice in Wonderland.
It’s well known that Depp conceived of his character in Pirates as a cross between Keith Richards and Pepe Le Pew. Now that he has two brand new characters to invent, I thought I’d offer some possible hybrids.
- Drew Barrymore and Foghorn Leghorn
- Daffy Duck and Edward James Olmos
- Nick Cannon and Mary Worth
- Chris Robinson and the black crowes (Get it? Nevermind.)
- Marmaduke and Danny Trejo
- Elmer Fudd and Wolf from American Gladiators
- Gwyneth Paltrow and Aquaman
- Dilbert and Avril Lavigne
- Garfield and Burt Reynolds
- Wile E. Coyote and Frank Stallone
- Marilyn Monroe and The Noid
- Erin Esurance and The Hamburglar
- Judy Dench and that C-Walking Robot Football Player from Fox
Aren’t my combinations wacky?? *sigh*
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Wait . . . so . . . is Johnny Depp the Deadgirl?
For Edward Scissorhands he went with every whiny goth-emo kid that hangs out at my local mall and hedgetrimmers. It seems as though his inspiration has been lacking somewhat recently.
My last girlfriend called me a cross between Ziggy and impotent.
I like to think that I’m a cross between James Dean and Scuttle from Little Mermaid.
I’m not of course, but I still like to think it.
To play the Mad Hatter, I’d suggest a cross between Tom Petty and Not Me, the ghost from The Family Circus.
BTK Vilance, that Robot’s name is Cletus. Honestly. I could not make that shit up any funnier.
RE: Cletus
I saw Michael Strahan call him that, I thought he was just being “funny”.
For Tonto, I suggest crossing Speedy Gonzalez with a latex replica of Jenna Jameson’s vagina.
Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Captain Jack Sparrow Kills and Rapes And Doesn’t Give a Shit…NOT!
Pee Wee Herman and Dennis Rader?
Tonto = The Frito Bandito + Larry the Cable Guy.
Chuckles the Clown and John McCain?
The Mad Hatter = Donald Trump + Andy Capp.
Tonto = 2 parts Hobbes, 1 part Cheech Marin.
Lou Perlman + Harry Knowles = Slobba Da Hutt
Wrong place, wrong time. Like I give a rat’s ass.
I’d let Gina Curano fuck me with a strap-on if I got to reciprocate the act.
The Mad Hatter = Gary Larsen + Bobcat Goldthwait.
Sans the strap on, of course.
Tonto = John Graziano & Herve Villechaize.
The Mad Hatter = Lisa Rinna + Haggar the Horrible.
Mad Hatter = Harry Carry + Gilbert Gottfried.
Tonto = Steve Buscemi + Bender.
Mad Hatter = Wilford Brimley + Tinky Winky
Tonto = Lou Diamond Phillips + Yosemite Sam
Personally, I’ve always thought of myself as the result if Jared Leto and Patty Mayonnaise fucked.
I was assuming that Depp was only in Pirates 3 because he had signed a contract, and had to fulfill his obligations. Now he signs on to a fourth one? Dude, I love you, but you’re pissing me off here. You sucked in Pirates 3, almost as bad as the overall movie. Either sign on to a 21jumpstreet movie, or don’t do movies like this.
Gary Busey = God + Lucifer (both playing Guitar Hero together).
Who fucking cares about the Mad Hatter? Tell me if they have Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres to play the Walrus & The Carpenter!
Mad Hatter= Howard Dean + The Violator/clown
Matter= Energy + negative heat + space
Tonto = Tim Burton + Pinky
Mad Hatter = Tim Burton + The Brain
Clay Aiken as the White Rabbit?
Tim Burton is a cross between a shower drain and clump of pubes.
Stinky Pete = Fred Durst + Snaggletooth
Tonto: The Brave’s Chief Nockahoma and Katie Couric.
Lone Ranger = Batman + Adam West
Mad Hatter = Jack Nicholson + Christian Slater
Tim Burton = organized religion + being picked on/raped by the jocks in high school.
Tonto = Tatanka + Jenny Craig
Tonto = Victor from ‘Smoke Signals’ + Tonight’s Secret Ingredient
Jack, me and you think too much alike. I was thinking Jack Nicholson + Pauly Shore.
Tonto = Kunto Keenta + Rosa Parks
Unfortunately, what I think Depp is thinking is:
Mad Hatter = Willy Wonka – 30% of the ghey.
Nom, the Mad Hatter does not “weez the ju…ice”
Tonto = Ernie Reyes Jr. + Slowpoke Rodriguez.
Mad Hatter = Gary Busey + Wizard of Id.
So many random names to choose from, and yet I got nuthin’.
However, if this was Erin Esurance VS. The Hamburglar, I’m totally on board for that shit.
Tonto = Jar Jar Binks + a meat grinder.
All I know is that if Depp uses a Family Guy character for inspiration, he’s Dead2Me.
Meredith Veira as the Queen of Hearts.
Samuel L. Jackson as the King of Spades.
*ducks*
I suggest myself as the role of Alice. The hole in the tree in my front yard can play the part of the rabbit hole. If it’ll drop the restraining order.
New Up!
I think they should stop giving movies like this to Tim Burton so quickly just because he has this weird style. Guillermo Del Toro would make a much better Alice in Wonderland. But, deep inside, I sorta wanna see Quentin Tarantino make it. I just like to laugh at clusterfucks like that.
Who’s this Clay Aiken cocksucker that’s been getting name checked all over the place recently? Is he Barack’s running mate? Sounds like a cowboy.
Who’s this Clay Aiken cocksucker that’s been getting name checked all over the place recently? Is he Barack’s running mate? Sounds like a cowboy.
Yes, he’s a cowboy, in one particular sense of the word.