09.24.08 BLACKBEARD: A PIRATE MOVIE ABOUT ACTUAL PIRATES
Historical accounts differ as to whether Blackbeard was “totally awesome” or “sorta faggy”
Some new details about Blackbeard have hit the web. It will be based on the life of Edward Teach, aka Blackbeard, a former British Naval captain who becomes a privateer (basically a captain licensed by a government to pirate other nation’s ships), who later becomes a full-on pirate, feared by all until he was captured, killed, and beheaded off of North Carolina by Lt. Robert Maynard in 1718. Mania reports that Paul Greengrass (United 93, Bourne Ultimatum) is the lead candidate to direct. They offer some plot details:
Edward Teach is in the employ of Britain’s royal navy and fought for the queen in the War of Spanish Succession. During that time he had a protege who served with him as his first mate. When Britain withdrew from the war in the early 1700’s, many men of the royal navy were disavowed. Teach, feeling betrayed and without a country to call his own, turned to piracy. With many of his disavowed sea fairing comrades, he took a ship and using his honed skills and intimate knowledge of the navy’s shipping routes and pots, began exacting his revenge.
Becoming an increasing threat, the British navy directed Teach’s old protege, now a captain, to hunt down Blackbeard and put an end to his tyranny. For the most part the story will be based on some truth but the protégé subplot is completely made up and, if successful, will be used again [I have no idea what "used again" means].
Sounds fairly paint by numbers, but as long as it has rum, cannons, rape, and swordfighting, I won’t be too upset. But if they make another pirate movie full of goddamned dancing skeletons, talking monkeys, and Orlando Bloom, I swear to God I’m going to rape Jerry Bruckheimer myself. Okay, that wouldn’t make much sense. Probably I’ll just get real mad and kick the coffee table and hop around my apartment on one foot. But I’m telling you, you would not want to be that coffee table.
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/02/Bourne-MattDamon-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/01/MattDamon-pussyhipster-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/12/Polanski-DogBaby-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/12/josephBrooks-150x150.jpg)
There are 84 comments about:
BLACKBEARD: A PIRATE MOVIE ABOUT ACTUAL PIRATES
Blackbeard shot first!
Something tells me this is going to be more about his old protege speaking in ye olde faggy british while telling tales of how awesome Blackbeard was without actually showing any of the awesome raping or pillaging.
But at least the swordfights should be cool *dismissive wanking motion*
Black Beard is also Star Jones’ nickname.
What is that hanging between his legs?
Whoever painted the portrait on the right has apparently never had or seen working human elbows.
Blackbeard is so awesome in that charcoal drawing that even his hair smokes.
I’d like to see Michael Gross from Family Ties play Blackbeard.
Maybe that’s just me.
The Mighty Feklahr gleans from the pic on the left that Rob Zombie will star in the lead?
That’s his dick ya retard! Jeez!
Hopefully this will not be illegally downloaded online. Movies like this give us real pirates a bad name.
…he took a ship and using his honed skills and intimate knowledge of the navy’s shipping routes and pots, began exacting his revenge
I usually use my knowledge of shipping pots to fuck with the people at Williams-Sonoma.
Spike Lee said, “I beat they don’t even use a black man for the title role.”
Blackbeard should regularly turn to his protege and say “Good work today Wesley, sleep well, I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.”
North Carolina, killing blackbeards 1718-1865.
Nommy gets nommed!
Why would he want to put an end to his tranny?
The Blackbeard on the right has six guns and a new email.
Blackbeard’s born name was really Ashley Fudgebottom, he changed it to Ed Teach when he got into stand up comedy.
They should totally make Blackbeard a tyrannosaurus rex. I think that would add to his legacy.
Top Ten Reasons Not To Be Lince’s Coffee Table:
10. Glass Bottom Boat.
9. GQ magazines.
8. Listening to Lince bitch about “What is it with these yIntagh’s and their stupid fucking “Comments of the Week”? I just don’t give a shit!
7. Second-hand clove cigarette smoke.
6. You get kicked a lot.
5. Oh, sure, you can bang your girlfriend on the couch, but the lowly old coffee-table only gets shit on?
4. Lince never uses coasters. :(
3. Almost got replaced by Kramer’s coffee table book.
2. Razor burn.
1. Lince leaves his empty Zimas ALL OVER you!
You know why they called him Blackbeard, don’t you?
He would only go down on African American chicks.
I won’t see it unless they portray a good 1700’s giant sea creature. Shit I’d settle for Keira Knightley’s blackbeard
For the most part the story will be based on some truth
Translation: There will be a pirate with a beard in this movie; the aliens, tigers, electric guitars, and machine guns will be added as ‘artistic license’.
“…until he was captured, killed, and beheaded…”
What, no BTK for a legend!?
I think “Blackbeard’s Booty” would be a great name for a Brazilian waxing clinic.
I wonder what this movie will be rated…
Chodin, that’s a common misconception, but according to the latest research Black Beard was actually very progressive in his views and would go down on any ethnicity of woman. He did however have a black beard.
Aw shit! In the right pic he’s wearing a damned fanny pack, backwards. What a Dooooossshhhhbaaaaaag!!
Everyone know Blackbeard was killed by ninjas…thus beginning the greatest rivalry ever.
God dammit! I left out an Anthony Michael Hall reference on the coffee table schtick! Fuck! FUCK!
Many argue that rape is not funny, yet I can’t stop laughing at the “box of rape” pic that appears on WithLeather every once in a while.
KevinEldon, according to the latest research, Blackbeard was one word.
*hastily enters room, looks around*
Hey, did you guys happen to see any innocent victims run through here just now?
If those other ships didn’t want to get looted then maybe they shouldn’t have been all sailing around with stuff on board.
This isn’t your grandfather’s black beard, you know the one your grandmother used to ride.
My favorite pirate was always Donjohnsonbeard.
“…captured, killed, and beheaded off of North Carolina…”
Pretty sure ol’ Beardo wasn’t the last black thing to be killed in N.C. .
Black Blackbeard always says, “Yo ho! Yo ho!” to his female friends.
Whitebeards plunder booty like this, blackbeards plunder booty like this!
*ruining the great joke started by Crap*
When Blackbeard and Santa Claus go out drinking, bitches be getting offended as fuck.
I’ll wait for the Broadway musical version.
OMG!! IT SAYS RAPE ON THE BOX, BUT RAPES A VERB!! HOW CAN THER BEE A BOX OF RAPE?? LOLOLOL!!!1!
{gets tagged in by chod}
That isn’t smoke coming off of his beard, it’s mace from that bitch that took offense.
Sadly, Blackbeard’s 14-year-old nephew, Mexistache, never reached the same level of celebrity.
crappiest joke I could think of:
pirated? on a scale of one to four, or a scale of one to ten?
wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
R?
(confidential to Vince)
Ya know, dude, coffee tables are only cool if they are cool looking, and you have end tables to go with them that were designed to be a set with the coffee table. In other words, buy my designs for a fucking coffee table/2 end table furniture set from me. Be the only one on your block to own these limited edition collectibles.
Little did Blackbeard and his friends, Redbeard and Whitbeard know that when they all got together they looked like a shitty poster for a shitty movie.
Pirate’s fucking hate Wheel Of Fortune.
It would only be fitting if Jerry Brokehymen was raped. He has been raping the American Audience’s attention span one explosion at a time his whole career.
And yes, “pirate’s” is possesive.
Just like your mom and this dick over here.
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