WEEKEND PREVIEW: THE FULL RETARD
08.15.08
Opening this Weekend:
Tropic Thunder
Word on the street is that it opened softer than your mom’s legs, but I still say it kicks ass. Some people are claiming the budget was as high as $160 million – a lot to earn back. Just remember, if you don’t see it, the retards win.
Fly Me to the Moon 3D
Fly me to the moon – because they’re flies, but they’re also flying, get it? Let me know if we need to slow down. I still say my pitch for Faster Pussycat was better.
Mirrors
Ever notice how bad reviews can sometimes make a movie sound awesome? "At the goofiest point, a pane of glass actually bites Kiefer Sutherland. He yells at it, but the mirror doesn’t listen."
Star Wars: The Clone Wars
Tough call. The last thing I want is for George Lucas to make more money, but on the other hand, hearing about Jabba the Hutt’s gay uncle was probably the highlight of my week. Shut up, I don’t need your pity.
Vicky Cristina Barcelona
A Woody Allen movie starring Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem, and Scarlett Johansson. On the plus side, many are calling it a return to the Woody Allen of old. The downside? No chihuahuas.
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This banner ad for The Truff is freaking me out.
Best of both worlds, just watch a buttcammed version of The Clone Wars. You don’t have to pay Lucas that way, and you get the full "Gay Hutt" experience.
"At the goofiest point, a pane of glass actually bites Kiefer Sutherland. He yells at it, but the mirror doesn’t listen."
How did this "Josh Larsen" get footage from my bachelorette party?
I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but Scarlett Johannsen owns my soul.
George Lucas has his own face on his currency.
So what did I purchase on eBay LH???
LH, I’d be careful, there are poor spellers around here that profess to stealing stuff like that.
Well, there’s no way I’m going to stand in line to see Tropic Thunder so instead, I’ll just amuse myself by hanging out with the retard protesters and playing "I got yer nose," but I’m gonna refuse to give them back until they beat their handlers with homemade signs.
Is this gonna be at the movies Rot, or the Democrat National Convention? Also, "handlers." That shit is great. For some reason I picture a bunch of wookies on leashes trying to break free.
Just be careful Rot. Those goofy fuckers will rip your fucking arms off to get their noses back. Trust me.
/typing with one hand
This is the great link between famous people and retards; they both have to have handlers when they go out in public to make sure they don’t make asses of themselves.
Forget about Army Strong, I want to be Retard Strong. Those ‘tards are freaky powerful.
No worries. I can outrun them seeing as how I’m not weighted down with a full adult diaper.
Ya know J, I’m one handing it too (what the other hand is doing is none of you guys’… hooo heee hraaaagh) otherwise it would have been another freakin mind meld on the retard strength thing.
By the way, I think the phrase "The Full Retard" is now how we refer to a BAG/Riddler nude scene.
True story: My whorex used to work in a home for tards, one tard had made a hole in his matress that he liked to fuck. The workers didn’t think anything about the little tear until the smell came up.
I wish I could get paid to do this all fucking day like Vince.
::scratches head::
SHIT! I do!
::reaches over to cash drawer and makes it rain dimes::
I saw a retard beat the shit out of an ese in high school.
Crazy little tard looked just like James Dean. only retarded of course.
Another true story: Also at same tard house there was a fucktard couple. This was not a state institution, it was private care, so if the tards wanted to get their freak on the employees would give them comndoms, a few inastructions and let them go at it.
One time I was visiting whorex when the tards were rocking it out, the sound of two tards fucking was so goddam funny I, no shit, had to leave because I was about to pass out from laughing so hard.
Crappy, that doesn’t sound like a retard story. That sounds like a story of great ingenuity.
If you are refering to the matress story Beeks, I would consider that empirical evidence that retardation does not effect the mental capacity of the male sex organ. Retard or not, a cock will find something to fuck.
I know it’s not really retard-related, but with the way they look, it might as well be, but for legal purposes, does a chick with progeria who was born 10 years ago, but has the body of a 40-year old count or not?
C-dogg, that story’s sound effects in my head sound like angels playing harps on clouds.
The first story, that is. Not the second one.
I am the master of the slow page refresh.
Mine was for the second, but I’m betting the combination of ‘tard grunts and headboard slappin’ would be pretty good too.
All retards could pass for just being an in-costume member of Slipknot.
I am the master of the slow page refresh.
Beek, that word is offensive. Around here we say "I am the master of the retarded page refresh."
EEEIIGHHAARG
WOOOOOOEEEEE
<…bump bump bump…>
AAAAHHHHAAAAHHHHHH
AAAUUUUOOOOHHH
<…bump BUMP BUMP…>
Seriously, atfter the borth of my daughter, I think that was the happiest moment of my life.
*returns from bedroom*
Okay, so you just cut the mattress a bit. Is there a step 2? Or should I just go for it?
Retard or not, a cock will find something to fuck.
Actually, I’m pretty sure my dick is retarded. That’s the only way I can explain some of the things it’s done (I long ago absolved myself of any responsibility). Incidentally, I’m no longer welcome at the Special Olympics.
OK, I gotta go wash my hand so I can type right again.
Better;
Don’t know Mark it, just tard out and go to town. Be sure to tell us any tricks you learn.
Speaking of retarded, the "Are you Emo" quiz is back.
Yeah, definitely should have checked for springs first. That seems to be the first trick. Bested by a retard yet again!!!
I wish I could go to a tard protest and switch their signs to things like "Have you seen my baseball?" "Match in the gas tank. Boom! Boom!" and "I am Vince Mancini".
If Tropic Thunder turns out to be a flop then America deserves 10 years of Blue Collar Comedy Tour produced tv and movies.
BOOSH!!
Correction;
luPay with the BOOSH!!!
Why owThin, that wasn’t very shallow at all.
They’re signs are only good for an hour or so anyway. Then they figure out they can eat the elbow macaroni and paste that they made them out of.
…hmmm, paste…
They’re = Their
Don’t know why that wasn’t possessive…
Maybe you just forgot a "that" between "signs" and "are", Mark.
HEY GUYS!!! I just saw a bird fly right into my office window.
That shit was funny as hell.
He must have been full retard.
JHC said, "
Just be careful Rot. Those goofy fuckers will rip your fucking arms off to get their noses back. Trust me.
/typing with one hand "
I like to look at his avatar and pretend it’s him, and that he didn’t learn his lesson.
Geez, this place dies quick on Fridays.
<Crappy starts looking for life he left someplace>
DDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
S’up fuckers? I see that Durst Diggler has set the place afire.
Hell Bitches. Its your gayness that sets us on fire, sir
LOL, dude, funniest movie of the year! Period! I dont know what the fuss all these retards are making about them using the word retards. Hey, if the shoe fits.
JT
http://www.Ultimate-Anonymity.com
Here is my question: Roman Polanski rapes a 13 year old, is run out of the country.
Woody Allen molests and marries his adopted daughter (ok, but he was a father figure to her), and everyone seems to be ok with this,and respected actors ignore this.
Why?
Because Moonshine or whatever her name is didn’t press charges. That’d be the main difference.
Also, wasn’t she 18?
So, Tropic Thunder is fucking hilarious. Tom Cruise’s role was a big negative and he made the scenes involving his character harder to watch, but all in all, it was honestly the funniest movie I’ve seen in a while.
Also saw Clone Wars today. True story*: there were people waiting outside the theater asking peple if they liked it. If they said yes, they were then asked to go help picket Tropic Thunder.
*Not true, but would make sense.