HOLY CRAP THIS SUCKS A LOT
08.19.08
After the jump, I’ve got the new red-band trailer for Death Race. Here’s my impression of it: Blur! Cut! Smash! Rap rock guitars! Oh, ‘allo. Moy name ees Jason Stafam. Explosion! Face punch! Oof! Blur! Rap Rock! Rightio, oy fink oy’ll taike me shir’ off now. Gunshots! Blur! Impalement! Record Scratching! Blur! Tits! Cut! Mohawk! Gratuitous ass shot! Guns n Roses! Car stats! Pow!
I understand the appeal of a tits and fire car porno, even if it’s a remake of an idea that’s already been used a thousand times. But does anyone actually like this epilepsy editing and parkinson’s disease camera work? Film a dog taking a dump if you want, but at least hold the goddamned camera steady.
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Statham is doing an intense dance number in that banner pic
Judging by his dome, I’d say that’s extreme horseshoes.
He’s really pushing hard to be picked as the lead for his prison’s rendition of ‘Thriller’
He seems really mad at that table, like, "I’m gonna flip out a nd punch the fuck out of you!" kinda mad.
Uproxx should pay Statham to wear some Snorg shirts.
I’ve got the need, the need for speed! No, not fucking car racing you dumb asshole. I gotta have some fuckin’ drugs!
That is some intense car-fucking, my friend.
In case you were wondering, Jason Statham is a Jet all the way.
I bet he drinks Mountain Dew, the official beverage of the wrongfully imprisoned who have to enter a deadly competition in order to earn their freedom and right the wrongs.
How He Move 2 The Cars?
Judging by his dome, I’d say that’s extreme
horseshoescandlepin bowling."he plays by his own rules"? Seems to me that he is pretty much doing what they asked.
One, two, twirl, three, four, shuffle, six, eight, sliiiiiide. FUCK YEAH!
Why go through all these cars, all those bullets, and all that gas when all you need is a thumb war…… TO THE DEATH!?!?
If this movie has the same cultural impact as The Fast & The Furious, I am not looking forward to seeing all those primer-coated Honda Civics with hood mountain machine guns driving around town.
Fuck the Shaky Camera. LEarn how to tell a story and make real action. Not ‘hey look they are walking but if we shake the cam now its intense action!’
*Mounted
FUCK!
Notice how there are no Asian drivers.
"he plays by his own rules"? Seems to me that he is pretty much doing what they asked.
No…he masturbates while he’s driving, and that’s frowned upon in Death Rac.
Are you sure, Stone? I was going for Shark on this one
I may have to see this to help promote the use of ‘cocksucker’. Seriously, it’s underused, and ‘cunt’ has just been getting too much press lately.
So really, what’s the shelf-life on these unused John Graziano jokes?
How bored of prison rape do you have to get before you decide that death racing is more fun?
I say give ‘em hell Donk. Fuck them if they can’t take a joke.
How can you make a promise that I will see teats if i watch this piece of cinema, and then not have it deliver after I have had to sit through it? that was really low, even for you.
There are no limits on Beandip bowl brain jokes.
Come to think of it, ya know, if you put a sombrero on his dome, and cut the top off, you could have your chips on the brim and your dip…
For the record, I said "car porn" and I said "tits", not "bare tits".
2Cliche 4Parody
Dude, where’s my car?
Tropical Storm Fay > Uproxx
Dude!
Sweet!
*chodin enters thread*
What the fuck are all these RATS DOING HERE!?!
For the record, I said "car porn" and I said "tits", not "bare tits".
That’s utterly ridiculous.
Burnsy,
That underground video Lance spoke of with a dog > Uproxx.
Where are the bear tits??
For the record, I said "car porn" and I said "tits", not "bare tits".
That’s like when my wife says "you can put it anywhere", then gets pissed because I fuck her friend.
This site is getting more pop-ups than a Cardinals game.
It’s good to see the Zapruder family still working hard behind the camera.
RATS!?!? Somebody help me connect these fucking RATS!?!!?
Uproxx shuts my phone comments out more than the Braves lineup.
Fuck the bogeyman, when I have kids, I’m going to raise them to fear Jason Statham.
"Hey, Dickhead! You better eat your broccoli before Jason Statham sneaks into your room at night and kicks the living shit out of you."
So would a tailpipe be car poon?
Uproxx calls me, sobbing into the phone at night, asking if I can come get him, but he never knows what party he’s at.
So would a tailpipe be car poon?
Only if it’s a gay car.
Fuck the bogeyman, when I have kids, I’m going to raise them to fear Jason Statham.
Goose! Bogeyman at three o’clock!
And who set the password as ‘YES’?
UPROXX! You got some ‘splainin to do…
Good to see Tyrese getting work in as "badass token black friend" because we have never seen him in that role.
And now…all you boogeymen, grab your boogeywomen and let’s get Rick Roll’d!!!!!
So would a tailpipe be car poon?
I like to use the intake manifold for oral and the gas filler tube as the vag. If I want anal, the oil fill hole in the valve cover is the closest I can find.
I feel I may have said too much.
I was in a death-race once.
Well, it was just a foot chase with a hooker, but by telling you this story, you know who the victor was.
Pauly,
By Death Race, you mean a race to the only open port-a-john at the outdoor concert, right?
And by hooker, you mean high old lady with running make-up, right?
I had my money on you. Thanks for making me proud, Jesus Owens!
That’s the last time I take film advice from Al. She told me “This could be interesting” in this trailer, but I just don’t see it.
IS it weird that I want somebody to splice the Joan Allen "cocksucker" line into a scene from Pleasantville?