DANE COOK IS STILL ORIGINAL
08.12.08Just in case you’d forgotten how much this project sucks, the studio recently released this R-rated clip from My Best Friend’s Girl (trailer here, poster here). Let’s see… I think I heard that two-bagger joke in about 1993. "Heavy petting zoo" has been around at least since ’96, when it was the title of a NOFX album. The "your dick’s so small you piss on your nuts" joke I believe is from Snaps, which was first published in ’94. But the "ass the size of a miniature Mediterranean donkey"? I think that one might’ve been original. The most surprising thing is that there actually such thing as a Miniature Mediterranean Donkey. Click here for a schedule of donkey shows. *snicker*
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You fucking whore! You just waited to get me to bait retards to a new post that wasn’t there!
How much does it cost to rent a donkey for 15 minutes?
I’d stab Dane Cook for
one of those Donkeysfree.Depends on which 15 minutes you want Kurg. The 15 before or after Fek gets done with it?
It’s times like these I’m glad that I can’t see any of these videos and the page doesn’t load right and basically I can comment in a vaccuum.
At least Jason Biggs ads a unique element.
Wait a damn minute, that’s the dumbest simile ever. Comparing an ass to a donkey is like comparing a dog to….another dog.
I feel like I should be saying something funny here, but fuck you guys, Dane Cook just takes it all out of me.
Mark my words Burnsy, Jason Biggs will play the EXACT same character he played in . . . EVERY GOD-DAMNED MOVIE HE’S EVER BEEN IN!!
I quit typing.
HA! "Pissing on your own testicles". Everyone knows Dane Cook sits to piss, you silly, silly, Bitch.
It’s only Tuesday and I’ve set a new personal record for idiot typos. I’m like the Dane Cook of blog posting.
I wonder how much Dane Cook pays to rent his donkey.
I don’t see the big deal. I piss on my testicles all the time.
/habitual bed wetter
In fairness, that "it’s not gonna suck itself" joke is original.
Wait, my dad’s on the phone…
What’s that, dad? Grandpa wants to tell me a story about his grandpa?
Yeah, that joke’s not original.
Don’t beat yourself over it Burnsy.
What about pissing on someone else’s testicles? Or on that chick who hangs out at the Stop n’ Shop? Okay, I’ve forgotten what the hell we’re talking about.
Up! Beat yourself up!
/fuck me
At least you didn’t type "off" instead of "up." Then we would really have a circle jerk in our hands. Heh! "in our hands"! Because a circle jerk involves… oh, nevermind.
that chick at the stop & shop has testicles that are smooth as eggs.
Speaking of circle jerks…will there ever be a Film Drunkard get together?
Kurg, I’ll bring cupcakes to the inevitable trial, if that’s what you mean.
http://dirtyhairy.blogspot.com/2008/08/apparently-i-won-some-fucking-award.html
I think we have too many Highlanders here.
Dane Cook wakes up every morning under a pile of naked college girls younger than most of the jokes he’s stealing. He’s ok with that.
Oh, Beek, Lance, you are going to want to check out that link to my blog. You will see why! And yes, it is work safe.
I remember the time Dane Cook made me laugh. It was when I was imagining him on fire and running around trying to put it out.
So you put me in some sort of meme? I think I’m going to go slice my wrists for knowing what a "meme" is.
I’ve been tied down and smacked around today, so just catching up.
How is it that none of you drunkards commented on the sign in the stands in that Mickey Rourke photo?
“Necrobutcher Eats a Fat Cock!”
Perhaps Darren Aronofsky has matured beyond the ass2ass phase of his career and is now getting into gay cannibal cunilingus? Oh, sorry, SPOILER!!!!!
YOU’RE WELCOME!
What kind of cupcakes?
Meat cupcakes. Beek’s bringing those.
With sprinkles?
So Dane Cook and a retard walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don’t serve retards here". Dane Cook says "I’ll wait in the car".
LHM, Time for an optometrist appointment. It clearly states "Necrobutcher Sucks a Fat Dick"
I for one would not let someone known as Necrobutcher anywhere near my dick.
I don’t think I could get my meat cupcakes on the plane, Donk. You’ll just have to occupy yourself with your own meat. Cupcakes. Is it warm in here?
If more than one of us is in one place at one time, all hell breaks loose. Mostly rape, but all hell, too.
Kurg: Bacon sprinkles.
Beek: Fedex ‘em.
The Boosh is loose.
Oops, Gene. I guess I got it mixed up while sitting through the log on. I suppose I should have written it down on a post-it note; would have given my janitor a chuckle, too.
Anyway, Necrobutcher? As opposed to someone who butchers live creatures? I think Necrobutcher must be a wrestler with a softer side.
Cool! INS raid at work today!!!!!!!
Donkey, i hope you aren’t bacon-teasing me. i hate a bacon-tease.
Wow Fek. That evolution one blew my mind. Literally. Is it breezy in here?
Someone told them there were Vulcans there. Watch your back, Fek.
Kurg, I never play around when it comes to bacon. I’m as serious as the heart attack for which I’m headed.
Maybe they can jetison the trash and float away with it.
Gene-mor elike "Watch His neck!"
Yeah, so Uproxx has popups now? Awesome.
Uproxx gets better each day. Did you see there’s a Snorg boy now?
I want to put my penis is Jason Bigg’s ass, then put it in Dane Cooks mouth. Then make them kiss.
Meanwhile, back in the lab, this guy is inventing invisibility. That is known as the protagonist/antagonist relationship in a movie for you budding movie authors.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/08/12/MN391292Q6.DTL
If you’re Michael Bay, that’s know as the good guy/foreign guy relationship in a movie.
As a master of the obvious, let me say yes.
Yes, I would fuck that pasty blonde’s flabby big ass with that unfunny clown’s little dick.
Also, I recall that episode of Snaps! It was some young, harsh-looking black chick telling a Robin Harris lookalike this. I think his comeback was Ho! Ho! Ho!
I was hoping Hollywood would have another Slap Slap Slap Kiss scene. Now I can smile.
Seriously, if anyone slapped me they wouldn’t get smooches, they’d get analy raped by a lamp. PM me boys.
For those of you that may want to see blondes really being entertaining:
Trouble in the horizon as a terrorist strikes the beach.
See the girls in action as they screw their way to freedom.
It’s all in a days work for the girls of Babewatch.
Babewatch 12.
With lampshade or without?
WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA!!!
Michelle, I will settle for nothing less than a claw hammer, thankyouverymuch.
im drunk. im on vacation. and im off. hit me up ladies!!!
But it’s of the lava variety, the impending sense of a possible glass explosion in your butt and lava overflow is absolutely intoxicating!
Fine, I’ll bring the hammer. But it’s a ball peen. (tee hee)
Does this lava lamp make my butt look big?
One of the Snorg girls loves lamp. Don’t ask me how I know.
Whenever i’ve been slapped in the face it’s never been as a precursor to some kissing and a grabbing. It’s usually some authority figure or paramedic trying to bring me round. The words "For god’s sake, somebody cover him up" are often heard in this scenario too.
Today on as the uproxx turns………
POP-UP ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!
Stillborns are a product of Dane Cook comedy.
wow…so many pop up adds…wtf uproxx
I’ll put a gun to my dick if you try to make me watch Vicious Circle.
Dane Cook is still orginally an orangutan.
Fixed?
If Uproxx was a fast food restaurant, it would fuck up your order everytime, and spit pop-ups in your burger.
I’d rather watch my Grandparents fuck for a week straight than watch Vicious Circle.
Joke’s on you, Pauly: Vicious Circle IS your grandparents fucking.
Boosh!
Beek, you’re thinking of Viscous Circle.
40 w motor oil and some old folks. Yow-fuckin-za
If Dane Cook’s career was a dude, I’d punch him in the fuckin’ face.
I have a giant man penis!!!
Maybe I’m thinking of Viscount Circle. Your grandfather is nobility, right?
Give my penis back ’07. I might need that later this year.
I’d slap Dane Cook’s face as red as the Devil’s dick.
Here Pauly *hands Pauly GPP detachable penis
slap him with this.
Worthless Uproxx!
I bet Serena Williams has a bigger cock than any of us.
i would wish death on him, but then he would get more famous. Instead, i wish middle aged spread and male pattern baldness
Damn, Eibz is invoking the Kilmer Curse. That’s rough, lady.
Thats right Donkey, I have to go that far
Ohhh, he’ll be able to keep his spare change in the Kilmer elbow pouch. Sweet.
So I’m at the local Walgreens here in the French Quarter whilst on lunch (my car’s alarm pad battery had gone kaput). I’m waiting in line and who walks up behind me? A dude that looks exactly like Val Kilmer! But I knew it wasn’t him. How, you ask? He only weighed about a buck eighty five. And he had longer hair.
So yeah, moral of the story is Val was cooler 10 years ago. Also, that guy is cooler than Val is now.
/end
Erswi, maybe it was The Saint. I hear that dude looks just like Kilmer. Also, double bonus, his girlfriend looks like Elisabeth Shue.
Kate Hudson: Did you really think roses and poem would get you another chance?
Dane Cook: I’m here to get Goldie Hawn’s phone number because she looks younger than you.
Kate Hudson: You’re an annoying queer and you steal more jokes than the worthless beaner Mencia.
Dane Cook: Your cunt is probably so dry it’s like a chalk board. Can I write that 100 times with chalk? On your chalk board cunt?
Kate Hudson:Oh God I love you. Fuck me up the shitter, you annoying unfunny comedian.
By the way that 2 bagger comment was stolen from rodney dangerfield, since u were pointing out how unoriginal those insults were. add that one to the list.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AHA AHA HA AH AHA AH AHA AH AHA HAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
It’s funny because this clip is the last thing I’m ever going to see.
(puts gun in mouth, pulls trig
I was terrible at trigonometry.
I pulled my trig once. Painful as all hell. Some positions should not be attempted, regardless of what the Kama Sutra says.
Good times…good times
This movie might be funnier if Kate Hudson’s part was played by Mickey Rourke. By part i might mean vagina, but i might not. Interpret how you wish. He is prettier though.
The only thing Dane ever did that was origional was to stick it to the movie producer on the casting couch to get the roll in Employee of the Month instead of the other way around.
And, as I run through all the comments here, I would like to know who pissed VaLince off so much that we end up with a Dane thread to end the day with and run up to 150 comments?
Done Cook killed Bernie Mac and the Dodo bird.
Oi vey. That was a chore…. uh…
Dane Cook’s leading man cries when they show car accidents on the news.
Dane Cook’s leading man chugs a bucket of frothy jizz to show that he’s “man enough to take it!”
Dane Cook’s leading man waxes his ball for the optical inch, trying to break the 4" line is harder than he thought.
Dane Cook’s leading man always comments on his girlfriends savy use of typical household items to give "the space a lived in, but uncluttered look."
Dane Cook thinks blatant plagerism is the highest form of flattery.
Crap, I don’t want you to think you’re all alone in here. Cuz you’re not, you know.
Dane Cook told the ER staff that the 9" fist dildo that they had to pull out of his ass with a winch was put there by his buddies as a joke.
:: scurries back into the corner with the tumbleweed ::
Good to know my fellow lefty, I was about to leave.
Dane Cook knows the difference between eggshell and off white.
Dane Cook wants you to be a cowboy, so he can be your cowgirl.
<takes flying fuck at rolling tumbleweed, misses, plummets out open window>
Dane Cook gets really offended if you try to hold a door open for him.
Dane Cook likes to "get jiggy with it", even though he’s not sure what "jiggy" or "it" actually are.
Dane Cook wants to know how Crapbasket managed to make a link out of his name when no one else here can.
Dane Cook’s definition of the perfect date is one where the guy pays for everything, but doesn’t pressure him for sex if he’s not in the mood.
OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!
WHERE IS THE DAMN "NEW-UP" GUY WHEN YOU NEED HIM…..
Dane Cook doesn’t think shooting fish in a barrel is much of a challenge, but he insists on using a cannon anyway.
Dane Cook will win you a giant stuffed dog at the ring toss at the carnival (by blowing the guy running the booth)
Dane Cook will miss a ground ball to win the championship game and will try to seriosuly blame it on the sun, even though it was a night game.
Dane Cook was a tattle-tale growing up.
Dane Cook will get high with you and won’t shut the fuck up about how stoned he is.
Dane Cook is a closet white rapper.
Dane Cook will eat all your Cheez-Its, then lie about it to your face with the crackers on his shirt.
If I ever see Dane in public, I’m going to try my best to push him into traffic.
Dane Cook knows exactly what Willis was talkin’ `bout.
Good bunny fucking beeks, that would be a good thing. Or a Busey thing, I’m certain he knows. Try something like;
Dane Cook smells his underwear when he takes them off, if they don’t smell, he washes his face with them to help save the planet.
Dane Cook once got his girlfriend a puppy for their anniversary. Unfortunately his girlfriend at the time was a Vietmanese chef.
Dane Cook sticks his dick in light bulb sockets to stimulate growth.
Dane Cook had to go to the ER to get his fist pulled out his ass. He told the staff that he was just "wiping vigorously."
Ya, ya, I know, thats two Dane Cook ER jokes on one thread, but fuck man, I not the one getting all manner of objects stuck up my ass am I?
Crapbasket is wondering what the fuck Al is
wearingtalking about."Good bunny fucking beeks" <–please to explain what this means. Look,
Chodincrapbasket, I’m trying to read some J.R.R. Tolkien which is enough of a punishment in literature as it is. I don’t need you guys making stuff up. Borg tuna cock ring.Dane Cook will break for cats, but not for pedestrians.
Dane Cook knows where my missing plugins are, but refuses to install them because he’s a jerk.
The cooler they are, the harder they durst. Except for Durst, who was just a douche.
Dane Cook thinks that its ok to go ass to mouth on the first date
Dane Cook bought a Habitrail for his computer mouse
Wait Eibz, it isn’t?
But how will I ever know love?
Luckily for us, Dane Cook can only make so many movies per year inbetween all the puppy murders, hair gel applications and Herpes spreading
Dane Cook was named after the breed of dog which fucked his mother.
I can’t create them. I can only announce them. Sorry.
Then what the fuck kind of wizard ARE you?
Are Israeil bomb shelters called Hebetrails? Just wonderin’.
There are those that call me…….Tim.
Only one amongst you know my true identity. And I believe he was deported earlier today. Or transported. Or just went home.
Dr Steve Brule says – Hebetrails are the curling, sweat soaked locks that flow from the belly button down to the top of the shaft of the Jewish penis.
Tim Allen?
All of a sudden, he’s the Guy Who Can’t Shut The Fuck Up!
Right now you guys are making me pretty hot. Maybe even hotter than that time I fucked a turkey. (Turns out, you gotta wait till after they’re out of the oven! LOL!)
Listen Tim "The Toolman" Taylor, if you’re gonna stick to the "New Up" schtick, you can’t go flapping your gums any ol’ time ya want, or to the police either.
so, that bernie mac fellow died huh?
So, I was walking down the street and I saw a quarter on the floor. I picked it up and Dane Cook came over and said "Hey, that was my quarter!" I said "Oh yeah? Well describe it to me" He said it had Geroge Washingto on it. I had to give it back to him.
My quarters all have states on them. Get some new currency, Pauly.
my quarters are all worff 25 cents each
Dane Cook steals from children, but not even in a cool, funny way.
Dane Cook wears an apron that says "Kiss the Cook" even when he’s not cooking, because he’s a fucking douche like that.
Dane Cook broke Chatzy
Dane Cook is fucking your mother and your father
Dane Cook can’t…cook..he’s more of a baker. A masterbaker. And there can be only one.
*Michelle throws an oven mitt down.
"Dane" is short for "Gaylord."
duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurst!!
My Best Friend’s Girl is this year’s Alex & Emma. I literally ripped my pet turtle out of its shell and shat on its face this film was so funny.
-Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
:)