BRETT RATNER WANTS GUITAR HERO MOVIE
08.29.08Brett Ratner recently spoke with MTV, who were interviewing him in conjunction with his nomination for a “Best Director” Video Music Award for Miley Cyrus’ “7 Things”. Now, before I get into the Guitar Hero story, please watch the video and tell me I’m not crazy. I’m not missing anything, right? It’s really just a bunch of people in a white room singing along to the song? I think she could’ve saved a lot of money by making this in one of those booths at the mall. Get it? She sang about text messaging and a girl held up her cell phone! Oh my God, you’re a f-cking genius, Brett Ratner! Anyway, here’s the stupid thing he said today:
“I love ‘Guitar Hero’ and I think it’s a part of pop culture. I would love to do a ‘Guitar Hero’ movie, if Activision would ever let me. I’m trying to convince them, but why would you have a movie screw up such a huge franchise? Not that I would make a bad movie. So that would be cool, to do a ‘Guitar Hero’ movie. ”
What, you mean like that South Park episode?
“It could be about a kid from a small town who dreams of being a rock star and he wins the ‘Guitar Hero’ competition. One of these dreams-[come-true] kind of concepts.”
Could it be a Chinese kid who gets paired up with Chris Tucker? You know, it sounds suspiciously like he’s just talking out of his ass to promote Guitar Hero as part of his marketing deal. C’mon, give it to us straight, oh soulless whore of Hollywood.
“I have a deal with Activision for their branding,” he said. “For instance, naming ‘Guitar Hero: World Tour,’ coming up with the new ‘Guitar Hero game name. It’s sort of like [MTV's] ‘Rock Band.’ So they said: ‘Come up with a name.’ And I did, and it became ‘Guitar Hero: World Tour.’” [Source]
That’s right, Brett Ratner got paid (probably millions) for coming up with the words “World Tour”. Think about that next time you’re making 12 bucks an hour to edit a Power Point slide about “Teamwork!” or getting drooled on by the retards you teach. He should change the name of Brett Ratner Brands to Proof That There is No God.
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Which do you think is more sore on a daily basis: Ratner’s ass or jaw?
I have a movie idea loosely based around product placement and a personal fantasy of mine.
Scene 1 – Ginsu
The movie opens with a man and his wife fighting about some stupid shit that women always want to fight about. It doesn’t really matter what it is, just that it is stupid. Really stupid. The man gets pissed, has had enough and uses his Ginsu knife set to cut her into one inch squares. He pretty much dices and slices the bitch.
Scene 2 – Draino
To get rid of the body he decides to flush her down the toilet. He puts a few handfuls of one inch squared bitch into the toilet and then decides to shit on her too. The toilet gets clogged because he put too much bitch in and also because he had cheap Mexican for lunch. Now he needs Draino. Of course he doesn’t have any because she was a terrible house wife and couldn’t keep the house stocked for shit. So, he takes a shower and is off to the store.
That is all I have so far but the possibilities for product placement are endless. I’m sure some Hollywood douchebag will rip this idea off but that is okay as long as I get some writing credit. Then I can actually live my fantasy and have the out that crazy bitch in Basic Instinct did. I’m a thinker, fuckers.
Lince-If you are trying to infuriate Him to the point where He will kill Brett Ratner, then about one more post like this oughta do it.
Now, if you have any special requests (evisceration, disintegration, molestation), The Mighty One will need two or three posts like this.
Unless they’re paying him in Nilla Wafers, Activision is getting hosed on that deal.
I work in a fashion-related consumer products industry, and trust me you would be appalled if you knew what marketing executives get for coming up with brand concepts. Most of them make New York Post headline writers look like James Joyce.
True story: the last time I had to edit a teamwork PowerPoint presentation, right after the slide titled “Management” I slipped in that picture of the owls “Retards – We All Know One”.
And I was never asked to work on another dumb-ass presentation ever again.
rock bottom: I think you could work ads for Rid-X, Ammonia, and malt liquor into that scenario fo’ sure.
Fek: Defenestration
Not that I would make a bad movie.
Not since Joseph Hazelwood uttered the phrase “This ship practically drives itself” has a more obviously doomed statement been recorded.
Scene 3 – Fek
It is late at night and the husband can’t find Draino. He trades Brett Ratner to Fek for the favor of unclogging his toilet.
Everyone needs to calm down on this Brett Ratner thing. Sure, it may suck right now, but the ending won’t be so bad. When the Devil finally claims his end of the bargin, Brett will be forced to spend eternity being gang raped by all the members of Menudo. But with black dicks.
Huh? That’s cool with him?
Fuck! Nevermind. Life sucks. Fuck this guy.
At least he acknowledges that giving him(ratner) a project is a guaranteed way to fuck it up.
They couldn’t find the Drano because Chuckles the Clown freebased it all.
I think I may have lost IQ points reading that Ratner stuff. I am so calling my lawyer.
Well, if I could remember how to use the phone
Robo-alive or dead at that point? If he’s dead, we can always hope he lands on JJ Abrams…two birds, one stone!
It could be about a kid from a small town who dreams of being a rock star
Lemme guess, the movie opens as a dejected kid sits outside of a stadium, being unable to get tickets to a sold out show. But, he can hear the roar of the crowd and can picture the scene. He puts his ear to the wall, and like a distant scream, he hears one guitar and it just blows him away.
hmm… Guitar Hero the Movie. that’s a great idea.
Also, I love getting tattooed on my balls, and then having alcohol and salt rubbed into my new tattoo.
Oh, and the tattoo says “This Is A Bad Fucking Idea.” In a really fancy script, of course.
On fire.
Fire? That one is on the house, sir!
I just made it 1:05 into that Mylie Cyrus video, I figured I’d better stop playing it before Chris Hansen came out with a plate of cookies.
New Up!
By the way, I actually have to work hard today, so don’t count on me.
Maybe Ratner got nominated for making Miley Cyrus sound like my 43 year old step mom.
I guess I could kind of see that script coming to fruition based on the old kid with a dream concept. But didn’t we just see Ripoff Garreth fail with that script?
Plus, does he realize that Guitar Hero isn’t able to actually be played in any sort of original or self-standing sort of way? I mean it’s kind of reliant on a video game consol and software. Not as if you can play actual music, or take requests from an audience or hone a craft.
I say all that to say this: Why not just make a movie about a guy who wants to be a famous porn star, but can’t find any chicks to bang on video. In the end he just gets on the news for repeatedly jerking off in public.
Hmm. I don’t hate it!