Sorry this is going up a little late, folks. I fell asleep. A natural response to this week’s releases, I’m afraid.
Opening this week:
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Consensus on this one seems to be that it’s pretty badass, and it’s easily the only new movie out worth seeing. I dunno though, I can’t seem to get excited about it. Maybe I should do some more coke.
Journey to the Center of the Earth
Looks like the kind of half-assed, uninspired crap we’ve come to expect from Brendan Fraser. The critics say it’s good if you see it in 3-D. Like cheese in a can, it seems like something I’d recommend not going near unless you’re really, really high.
Meet Dave
I would literally rather be raped by a man.
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I would literally rather be raped by a man.
One of the few things that made me laugh today. It’s the simplicity and honesty that works.
And maybe it’s because it looks like Eddie Murphy just read Lance’s comment.
Looks like another weekend spent huffing paint. See you Monday, fuckers.
What does he mean by literally?
I would literally rather be raped by a man.
As opposed to the figurative raping that Eddie Murphy has been doing to our souls since Daddy Day Care was greenlit?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t old Lance Van Winkle waking up to compare this weeks movies to man rape and cheezwhiz for us again.
BTK, here’s a joke for you.
What do man-rape and cheez whiz both have in common?
They both come in a can.
I thought you were going to say "you’re not doing yourselves any favors by biting down"
*yourself
That gold paint works fast.
The critics say it’s good if you see it in 3-D.
Those fuckers said the same thing about Captain Eo and I still wet my pants. Or maybe I was supposed to wet my pants. By the way I was seven.
Those fuckers said the same thing about Captain Eo and I still wet my pants. Or maybe I was supposed to wet my pants. By the way I was seven.
True story: That was the day my mom blew my mind by telling me Michael Jackson wasn’t a chick. Not sure I ever truly recovered.
PULL THE TRIGGER, HELLBOY!
Pssst, LiVance… I’m typing this in the bushes outside your house. The irony is that I was already going to rape your man pussy.
True story: That was the day my mom blew my mind by telling me Michael Jackson wasn’t a chick. Not sure I ever truly recovered.
True Story: When I was five I was convinced Boy George was going to marry me someday. My mother never had the heart to tell me why. She just laughed at me. Then I ended up marrying a transexual. WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, MA, HUNH? WHO? THAT’S RIGHT, YOUR UNBORN GRANDCHILDREN.
*why not. I gotta start proofreading these jokes.
Well, as long as we’re sharing, I fantasized about RuPaul before I learned the awful truth.
Same thing happened to me, beek, except I didn’t wet my pants. I wet someone else’s. There is also a similar story explaining why I’m not allowed to use the high diving board at the pool anymore.
Those fuckers said the same thing about Captain Eo and I still wet my pants. Or maybe I was supposed to wet my pants. By the way I was seven.
True story: That was the day my mom blew
my mind by telling meMichael Jacksonwasn’t a chick. Not sure I ever truly recovered.Am I the only one who sees headlines about "tainted meat" and can’t stop giggling?
…salmonella is hilarious.
I’m sitting here watching Usual Suspects on AMC, easily the 10 dozenth time I’ve watched it, and it amazes me how Baldwin’s and Pollack’s performances get worse and worse every time I watch.
Hey! You got taint all over my meat!
would you like to meet my taint?
No.
Put a leash on that puppy, Burnsy
Okay, what the shit. My comment has been eaten twice now. Forget it, it wasn’t that funny. I hate you all.
*throws double middle finger*
*falls down stairs*
*spills bucket of panda semen*
*on two geese*
Pauly, you’re my Fenster.
This weekend is the reason Public Relations classes are hard to get into.
And your wingman, Burnsy
So the panda comes up a flight of stairs carrying a bucket full of dead hooker taints that he’s been collecting in the wood shed, steps on a banana peel, goes flying through the air and spills the bucket of eviscerated hooker taints right in front of two geese. One of the geese picks one of the taints up off the floor in it’s beak and says "Tastes familiar. Is this dead hooker labia?" to which the panda replies "No, it tain’t" and does air guitar.
You know, it wasn’t until recently that I found out those things on Perlman’s head are cut-off demon horns, and not the negative and positive terminals.
Shit. I forgot the part of the story where the panda calls the goose a "cuntface".
cant wait to get home and see that sexman video!
The Powerful Drunk’lhr would kill Brendan Fraser to death with Uncle Buck’s car and a small garage with no windows.
The Powerful Drunk’lhr just left an epic post at EW!
Fek, I’m a little hurt you didn’t include me in point #5.
I thought we were tight, man
Donk-sorry, dude, I didn’t know you was keen to da Mystery Machine like dat! I will make sure you ride shotgun in the pedovan next time.
Oh yeah, Sexman’s voice makes my dog cry. For real. ROFLKOTAL!
Excellent post, Fek.
No worries Fek.
RADER NATION!!!
Fek. BTK! RADER NATION!
You’re doing God’s work, Brother. Chuch.
I’ll be selling tickets to watch a garbage bag full of diapers ferment if anyone wants actual entertainment.
Fyi- posting from my new blackberry. Fuck the iphone.
Stone, I fucking love you, you jewish bastard.
Whoa, fucking diaper jenkem? I AM SO THERE!
Fyi- posting from my new blackberry. Fuck the iphone.
And did you know that bberries give you twice the posting for the price of one.
But no video’s, Stoup. How am I supposed to watch porn in the bathroom? I guess I’ll have to settle for just looking.
I have to agree with flux. My Palm Centro has a crystal clear YouTube player.
GRRR, IT’S OVER 9000!!!
My Sprint Dingleberry lets me Filmdrunk AND take a shit. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some paperwork to do.
If Quentin can use extraneous commas, I can use extraneous apostraphes, dammit.
Decent video from youtube on this Curve. Add a mini sd card for actual video or mp3s.
I have a Pearl. Fuck, do I love my clit mouse, though.
I fucking love Judge Judy.
So I just watched the trailer for Hellboy 2. They should have just called it Hellboy vs Elric.
Michael Moorcock should sue…. Wow. THEN should he win, he should use that money to hire assassins to hunt down all the people who picked on him in highschool because of his sillyass name.
"Meet Dave" & "Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D"? Why did this have to be the weekend that i decided to stop molesting retarding children? This is retarded children gold!
i just saw Hellboy 2 and it is fucking awesome, Del Toro created a wonderfull world and creatures that took me back to the first time i ever saw star wars, it is just a great film, great effects, great stunts and great creatures.
the story is good too, all in all i give it 4 snaps in a circle.
I am actually working today. Fuck.
Bex, upon your approval, I will go directly to the theaters after work today and watch Hellboy II: The Aurmy.
Hey…did anyone hear the one about the Entertainment Weekly comments section that turned into a Busey post!?
http://hollywoodinsider.ew.com/2008/07/sex-and-the-cit.html?cid=122092680#comment-122092680
You guys make a nigga proud.
*Pauly drives off on Bigfoot Power Wheel with an OE 40oz. in cupholder*
You guys make a nigga proud.
*Pauly drives off on Bigfoot Power Wheel with a 40oz. of Old English in cupholder*
Well now I feel like an ass.
It’s okay Pauly, double-posts happen to the best of us.
I don’t feel too bad. The fact that I’m piss drunk helps me deal with that.
And that the fact my Dad never loved me.
Man, fuck facts.
New Post, EW readers.