TOBEY MAGUIRE WILL WARM YOUR HEART
07.21.08
Tobey Maguire will star in The Crusaders, a film not about righteously slaughtering Muslims, but rather the landmark 1954 supreme court decision Brown vs. Board of Education. Seabiscuit-Pleasantville director Gary Ross will direct a script by Recount‘s Danny Strong.
Maguire would play Jack Greenberg, who, as an idealistic lawyer fresh out of law school, joined with NAACP Legal Defense Fund head and future Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall to win a Supreme Court case that ruled segregation in American schools illegal. …The project [will be] based on Greenberg’s memoirs "Crusader in the Courts." [Variety]
The Supreme Court’s decision desegregated public schools, paving the way for an education system whose quality and egalitarianism even today are the envy of countries all over the former Yugoslavia. In any case, I figure you have to be a pretty humble guy to name your memoir "Crusader in the Courts". Coincidentally, the memoirs of yours truly will be hitting bookshelves any day now. Keep a lookout for Rhinoceros on the Toilet, available wherever fine memoirs are sold.
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They should run previews for this before Beer For My Horses in theaters. Not because it’s a good idea, but because I’d like to see the audience’s reaction to that.
They may want to play this movie in Florida ASAP, because I don’t think we got the memo about desegregation.
I’m falling asleep just reading this. Although if there is a scene where he turns emo and starts dancing, i’m there opening weekend.
This movie will do for racial harmony in America what A Time To Kill did for the plight of underfunded ballets.
Okay, fine Mr. liberal-do-gooder-look-at-me-I’m-not-racist-Tobey-Maguire, would you care to explain why evil Spiderman was black? Also, explain what the fuck was up with the dance scene.
Tobey, Stephen Baldwin called and he’d like his one look back.
I imagine Justice Marshall was named in the same manner as Native Americans. The drawback for him was that his father had a wicked speech impediment.
"Dat shoop you made lasht night was Thur-good, Honey. Hey! Datsh what we schood name our firsht shun!"
Yes they deserve to learn in desegregated schools, and I hope they burn in hell!
</samuel jackson channel>
He’s going to have to get in better shape than he did for Spiderman, mostly because that flabby ass couldn’t have been healthy.
I assume that Tobey and Gary Ross have a lot of sex with each other.
Doesn’t Jennifer Connelly do ass to ass in this movie?
Jack Greenberg settled on "Crusader in the Courts" after considering the titles "Mile of Cock", "I Fucked Rita Hayworth In Her Ass", and "Jack Greenberg Can Make You Cum Just By Saying ‘BooYa’". He decided to keep it modest.
Oooooh, Li-iiince…
*taps ear, points to crotch*
I thought Crusader in the Courts was the prequel to Snakes on a Plane…
Uh, sounds like cock? Rock? Block? Cockblock!
They had to get us, as Americans ready for this by working backwards through history with the sports stories about desegregation coming out first. A few years from now, get ready for Attucks, the story of the desegregation of the massacres of treasonous colonials.
My heart’s already pretty warm, as I like to keep it around 98.6ºF. But what about my cockles? Can Tobey warm my cockles. I’m sure they’re pretty cold even though I have no idea where my cockles are.
By the way, the movie about me will be called The Crewe-Satyrs, and it’ll mostly be about me dressing up as a sexually ravenous half-goat man during Mardi Gras and courageously fighting for the equality of all topless women. Can’t we all just get along and show me your boobs?
Rotty, that was you?! I was the centaur with the three and a half foot long cock, asking all the naughty little girls if they’d like a pony ride! How the hell you been man?
How the hell you been man?
Not baaaaad.
Crusader N Da Court will feature lots and lots of break-dancing.
New post.
Rhinoceros on the Toilet: Little Brown Jug.
Rhinoceros on the Toilet 2: Oh, That’s Where Bugaloo Shrimp Come From!