After the jump, I’ve got Sexman’s latest review of Step Brothers. Sexman is definitely bringing the heat on this one. He says of Step Brothers (which he awards five stars):
It’s fast, it’s dirty, and that’s how I like it.
Tsk tsk, Sexman. Do they not have "your mom" jokes in Canada? Seriously, man, you’re lobbing up softballs here. Anyway, after that he goes off on a tangent (you’ll be able to tell when because right before he says "I’m going to go off on a tangent here,") about how much he hates No Country for Old Men, and how Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem should’ve won a Best Picture Oscar. I don’t agree with the kid, but I like that he’s not afraid of controversy. Sexman is pretty punk rock when you think about it.
Oh, and he has a t-shirt now:
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Firehouse-dads-Vincevaughn-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Kanye-is-the-best-150x150.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/Will-ferrell-jack-black-anchorman-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/03/rachel-mcsideboob-0x300-150x150.jpg)
/stands up on stack of Hustlers and Penthouses
I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVED STEP BROTHERS!!!!!!!
/goes back to masturbating in a time machine
It’s fast, it’s dirty, and that’s how I like it.
The new Dominoe’s Pizza slogan?
Sexman is pretty punk rock when you think about it.
And his mouth is like the
Sarlaccmosh pit.Vince, that is the t-shirt you need to start awarding as a weekly prize. I’d grudge-fuck Shia Lebouf sober for one of those.
Man! I gotta wait to see this shirt? :( Nobody has a pic?
Sexman brushes with Uproxx.
Dor sho gha! The Mighty One finally figured it out! That Sexman kid is a Romulan!
I’m definitely buying my wife one of those shirts so I can blow my load all over Sexman’s face.
Do I see a little peach fuzz on Sexman’s lip there? Our little Sexman is becoming a SexMan…or something.
Due to scaling issues, the smallest size you can get this shirt is XL, otherwise the teeth come out looking all wrong.
I think that’s a doodie ‘stache, Brooklyn.
Shouldn’t we be calling him Sexxman now?
Sexman kind of looks like Wilson from Castaway.
JHC, what are you gonna do with your new "Black Dynamite" shirt?
<=== Just saw Sexman’s teeth for the first time.
I’m glad to see that someone shares my outspoken opinion that AVP 2 was robbed at the Oscars. Watch, I bet Rambo doesn’t get even get NOMINATED for Best Picture this year…snobs.
Aimless, you will probably be calling him Dad in a few years
I told Vince that I thought since I was riding your joke like a two dollar whore that it should either go to you or back in the prize kitty. Then he got mad at me and I cut myself. I’m all better now though.
Alien Vs. Predator Requiem?
Was that the one where the Predator goes ass to ass with Jennifer Connelly?
Boy o BOY! I sure am glad that I can’t see any of the pictures on these posts now that Upsuxx is in the mix.
That takes a man to do that, JHC.
Being that I haven’t worn a Large since the fuckin’ 4th grade, I think the shirt should go to you. Plus, I’m waiting for the Filmdrunk.com shirt to come out with this picture on the front.
[i256.photobucket.com]
The English think Sexman’s teeth are just top drawer.
Mickey Mouse thinks Sexman’s voice is annoying.
Sexman’s teeth look two divorced families.
Sexman’s mouth and string cheese should fuck.
I would puch sexman in the testicles if they had descended. As is, I think they’re high enough to count as ovaries.
In an alternate universe, there is a handsome, well-spoken young man with wonderful insight on cinema. His name – Shunned-due-to-bad-teeth-man.
I spell correctly, almost as much as Sexman brushes.
You have to wash that t-shirt in cold water only to make sure Sexman’s teeth don’t run all over the place.
Sexman’s got a mouth like a self-storage facility.
Sexman thinks going off on a tangent means yelling at the convenience store clerk.
The only guarantees in life.
Sexman fucking hates hockey. His teeth however will be playing their third consecutive season, come Fall.
Most girls will wake up and throw on their man’s jersey, Sexman is the only lover who actually gives you a consolation prize.
When I used to pose as Shitty Pretty in the old chatrooms of the mid-’90s Internet (after connecting through the Windsock, naturally), not one of those desperate pervs ever made me a t-shirt.
/curses being born at the wrong time
If Sexman isn’t careful, one of his teeth might poke out an eye.
The peachstach almost is enough to detere my eyes from his beaver teeth – almost but I still cannot fight the urge to ttear out my coreneas.
Sexman’s mother is always warning him, "Don’t run with those teeth in your mouth!!"
If you think Sexman is getting big time, go visit AICN. Paris Hilton touched one of their contributor’s arms at ComicCon! He actually says something like, "Now, I’m not saying she was hitting on me, but …"
"It’s fast, it’s dirty" sounds like my dick.
And now a list of other gifts that fans have sent Sexman:
1) Toothbrush2) Toothbrush3) Floss4) Toothbrush5) Pliers6) Toothbrush
Eib, the only people I call Dad are the really old asshole customers who call me Son.
So Step Brothers is all about these two dudes going to aerobics classes, right?
Is Sexman Canadianese?
the only people I call Dad are the really old asshole customers who call me Son.
Imless, it’s a tough job, but someone has to run that desk at your Mom’s brothel. Those phones aren’t gonna answer themselves.
BOOSH!
Sexman is pretty punk rock when you think about it.
I can’t wait for Sexman to release the album where half the songs are bad covers of 80s songs and the other half are whiny anthems. Punk rock rulezzz!
Once Sexman’s head cracks open and an attractive 19-year-old climbs out, we’re all going to feel like a bunch of assholes.
*Pauly slides Chodin a tall frothy piss boot*
There ya go, Dragon. Suck it down.
"Crapstain on the arse…called No Country for Old Men"
Are we allowed to love Sexman unironically now?
*Chodin takes a swig from das boot"
I needed that, thanks Nighthawk.
HELP! MY JOB IS MAKING ME WORK! RED ALERT!!!
Servo’s a chick, right?
*keeps footlocker full of tumbleweeds closed for right now*
I bet he’d go down a storm in France. That voice! The only sound more disturbing than that was the sound my left radius and ulna made when i snapped them in two.
Charlie, if you can’t learn to do ‘The Stranger’ right, you may just want to give it up. You’re only supposed to sit on your hand, not your whole arm.
Charlie: When I was watching his review of The Dark Knight the other week, it struck me that he sounded like a pre (?)-pubescent counterpart of the Joker. To hear him laugh would be pure music.
Donkey: Yes. Formerly Butters.
Nothing ventured…
He’s like the Scrappy Do version of Jerry Lewis.
Usually, when Sexman goes off on a tangent, that just means he’s brushing his teeth.
Charlie, where’d you find that picture of Lourdes in your Avatar?
When sexman goes off on a tangent, he makes three right hand turns and makes a square.
Lester, from here:
[aerialtelly.co.uk]
Do Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly really meet a convention, have sex, and fall in love in this movie? Very Brokeback.
Pauly, email me your address if you want the shirt. Otherwise, first person to email me gets it.
Done and done.
Pauly, you were sure to mention that your address is right across from the methadone clinic, right?
So, uh, this Sexman kid. He’s some sort of stud, right? I mean, what chcik wouldn’t be attracted to a Jack-O-Lantern?
And….is that a mustache?
<=== Currently having an attack of Gah Durchfall.
<=== Just saw Chyna’s click.
So wait, Vince can deliver it STRAIGHT to my meth lab?
*looks around, opens up footlocker full of tumbleweeds*
ok fellas, you know the deal. one-for-one trades for these things!
I’ve been waiting ALL MONTH for a No Poon Afternoon.
*Pauly pulls his dick out, does "spinning drum" from Karate Kid*
pooooon
Sorry to break up your rhthym there Pauly. Carry on.
It never fails. They wait ’til they can just pop up on you when you least expect it.
FYI, I am NOT putting my dick away.
The rhthym is going to get you, whatever that is.
*Donk sees Michelle, closes footlocker, begins to pull up pants*
NO, I FUCKING NEED THIS!
*drops pants again, reopens footlocker and starts working over a tumbleweed*
Somebody give me a fucking piss boot, STAT!
I’m so outta here.
*Michelle exits, peeks in window around the back.
Move over, Michelle! I was here first!
<Crap ambles in, tumbleweed is poking up front the front and back of his pants, shoves hands in pockets and starts "jiggling keys and change">
Sup.
*Donk shows C-Dog the box of itching powder he used to sprinkle over Crap’s tumbleweeds*
Fair market?
Honestly Vince, if you could send me that Fleshlight you got to use to do a review on, I think we can call it a deal.
<=== Itching powder!!!
Thank God, I thought that weed had given me the clap.
You know what’s funny? People always giving me their work addresses. Like I’m just gonna show up at your house one day all drunk as shit, "Well, the bitch finally kicked me out. Couch available? Hey, what’s on TV?"
Vince, if you did that, you’d better be wearing everlast underwear.
You’d think giving you their work address would be especially stupid, seeing as you could easily blackmail 90% of the commenters by threatening to tell their employers what they actually do all day.
With thumbs like that, you wouldn’t have a choice but to subside.
"Okay Vince: beer is in the fridge, please don’t give any to my horses. The Playstation 2 DVD code is 6969, don’t tell my roommate. And then here’s my cell phone, I don’t get free minutes until after nine so if you don’t mind- okay fuck it, you’re right, nevermind. "
I gave my work address because I’m afraid my roommate will get the shirt first and turn it into a nut-rag.
That’s the same reason why I don’t have my Grandma send me banana bread to the house anymore.
P.S. Vince, if you ever spent the night, you’d have to share the bed with me. But you’re going to have sleep with your ass to the wall because I’m a sleep-fucker.
It’s okay, I be clenchin’ like a mu’fucker. Ain’t nothing gets between these cheeks less’n I says so.
You know what they say, man who goes to bed with itchy butt hole wakes up with giant stinky thumb.
Confucius say: man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day
Sexman’s orthodontist is M.C. Escher.
FUCK! Vince has my work adress and vital stats…
…I’m doomed.
Oh, and Vincilikidinkass the fuckin tags don’t work either.
UPRRRRRXXXXXXOXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!
Sexman, easily my favorite Canadian, Ae!
I believe the awkwardness is environmental, perhaps toxins left there during the filming of the new X-Failure movie…
One time this Canadian told me a joke about a Jew, a black guy, and a hispanic guy. When I didn’t laugh he said, "the funny part is the racism!"
"I’m going to go off on a tangent here," eerrr Canadians… yeah their awkward.
One request. When you give out the prize for guy who spent 20mins writing his post (had to look up the spelling of ‘awkward’ and hispanic’) could you make it one of the snorgtee girls…
I promise all treat her real nice, I’ll use ether instead of a bat and nylon rope instead of chains!!!
Originally, Grimace was the "Evil Grimace", with two pairs of arms with which to steal milkshakes. After that first campaign, the character was revised to be one of the "good guys"
–Now You Know!