QUEER FOR MY HORSES
07.17.08
See what I did there with the headline? I know, pretty clever, right?
After the jump I’ve got the full trailer for Beer for My Horses, co-written, produced, and starring Toby Keith. Keith plays a truck-drivin, wigger-batin’, small-town Deputy named… wait for it… Rack Rattlin, paired with an inept partner played by Rodney Carrington. Get it? It’s funny because it’s comfortably familiar!
Braindead dipshits like Toby Keith are nothing if not predictable, so the antagonists are naturally Mexicans. Go git ‘em, Toby, they took yer jobs! Of course, hijinks ensue and Toby makes sure to act real tough in the hopes that maybe people will forget his name’s Toby. I can’t wait!
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Rack Rattlin?!? Sounds like somebody got the cheap implants!
A real tough deputy would be named Ashley.
Clair Forlani’s hot. But not hot enough to risk permanent brain damage!
I bet his horse has the most FAB-U-LOUS shoes.
Vilance, the proper terminology is yobs! Get it right, gringo.
Pictured: a redneck’s homemade remote control for turning off that goddamned Bigmouthed Billy Bass.
I thought by the thread title this was going to be about Daniel Radcliffe.
And his catch phrase would be
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. You got in my way, so now I bust"
And then you start popping and locking. Or pooping and looking, it’s up to you. Either way, totally badass. And then the girls would all be "Ohhhhh Deputy Ashley, that’s my name too, let’s do it"
How did it go wrong for Clair? Mallrats to Meet Joe Black, and then that stupid software movie and now this.
I see Michelle has been reading my treatments again.
Pictured: Toby Keith auditioning for a role in a commercial for Brawny.
It says to apply twice daily to affected areas.
Yeah, what in the Wide World of Sports is Claire Forlani doing in this shite? I’m going to have to admit to being ignorant as to the fuck Toby Keith is. Philip Seymour Hoffman’s stunt double?
Drinking beer in a pick-up truck with your friend, way out in the sticks, only leads to regretful BJ’s.
ummm… did anybody else notice there were no horses in this trailer?
glib insight by Donkey or something a cowboy might say at a rest-stop after being robbed? You make the call.
If Erswi’s still around, I would like to submit this entire post as an answer to a previous comment he made along the lines of "real men drive trucks."
/serious
I think Rodney Carrington is funny as hell. His jokes fringe on the cowboy, redneck genre, but mostly it’s just jokes told with a thick as fuck Texas accent.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
FUCK TOBY!
Claire Forlani’s career arc:
Looking hot in jeans as the love interest of a deadbeat in "Mallrats."
Looking hot in a cocktail dress as the love interest of Death in "Meet Joe Black."
Looking hot while praying for death in "Beer for My Horses."
Lester, you forgot Looking hot despite co-starring with argueably the ugliest cast ever put together in "Mystery Men".
In the sequel all of his horses will be nursing hangovers; they’re gonna call that one Bayer for My Horses
I remember Clare Forlani when she was in Press Gang. One of the finest kid’s tv shows of all time.
FUCK!
Vince, anyway I can trade those X-Files flicks for a spellchecker on this thang?
arguably
Damn you Burnsy. I knew I shouldn’t have done real work for a few minutes.
Here was my second choice:
When asked about his carefully groomed goatee, Toby Keith shrugged and said, "Whiskers for my men …"
Oh yeah. She was the waitress that fell in love with Mr. Furious.
That is the whole problem with her acting — I’m never convinced that she could fall in love with anyone else, because she belongs to me.
/stalk
I wish I could be ignorant as to who Rodney Carrington is.
I’m offended. That dude looks more Puerto Rican than Mexican.
Her acting was so charmingly piss poor in Mallrats that I thought for sure she had a future in Bruckheimer movies.
Lester, speaking of "praying for death" what the hell happened to Tom Skerritt? He makes Willie Nelson look hale and youthful.
Carlos Mencia plays a better Mexican than that guy.
It doesn’t matter how many times you put up the trailer, wether solid or liquid, this movie is still shit.
Um…did anyone else watch the trailer?
No, no, seriously you guys- that’s not a joke.Â
Strangely enough, Burnsy, I could see "Alvin & The Chipmunks" and "Underdog" IN THE SAME YEAR in Jason Lee’s future.
I’m actually a huge Toby Keith fan. I mean, I kind of have to be, because my mother’s boyfriend Jared said that if I wasn’t, he’d beat the shit out of me.
I like how the kid in the mask pointing a shotgun at the cashier explains "This is a holdup." Y’know, just so the cashier didn’t think she was at a christening or a football match.
chodin, I watched both formats of the same trailer for some stupid reason. Do I have to drop my pants to my ankles now?
BTK, Jason Lee will next appear as Japheth, one of Noah’s sons, in a bible movie. This makes him the most famous actor to portray Japheth since Thurl Ravenscroft in 1959, according to IMDB.
http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0046211/
"Touch her and I’ll kill you… WITH CHAW!!!"
Pissed-off White Trash Redneck Conservative: "Dey Turk errr jerrrbs!"
If there aint a spittoon, than it just aint country.
[comment is to be read with a Redneck draw]
I watched the first one. I thought it was very considerate of Lince to give an alternative to the TrailerAddict player that I can never get to work, until I watched it. Now I know he hates me.
For those of you who don’t know Toby, this is his big hit …
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnWnS7UOZlI
Apparently, Thurl Ravenscroft was the voice of Tony the Tiger. He died of prostrrrrrrate cancer.
I don’t care what you guys say, Toby Keith is still the undisputed champion of my HEEEEHAAAAART!
Wait, if Tony the Tiger was the son of Moses, then that throws the whole ark story into a brand new light.
Er, Noah.
DAMMIT!
looks like Toby Keith is trying to finish what Brendan Frasier started on Forrest Whitaker’s eyes.
If the stereotype is correct, then a tornado should hit this trailer.
Danger should be met head on, apply directly to the forehead.
YER NAME IS TOBEY!!
(cuts off his foot)
Michelle07, does your avatar imply you have sticky buns? Or have I misconstrudeled its meaning?
/flees in terror after speaking directly to a girl
This movie would have been great if they had rewritten it so that Toby was Austin Manlove, an immigration enforcement officer with a shoot-first-ask-questions-later approach to illegals who is also secretly gay.
The tagline could be: They wanted the American dream, what they got was Manlove.
In accordance with ratios and stature, Toby Keith is just the right size to be capable of killing someone with a donkey punch.
More like Teeth For My Horses.
THEY ARE SWEET! (and a tad sticky but it’s hot out)
Viewing guide for this trailer: watch seconds :38 to :46 on mute. Then rub one out into a bag of groceries on a street corner.
um… am i the only one with a mullet sportin’ 10 year old inside him that really wants to see this movie?
What can I say, he got me drunk and bought me dinner.
OK, we’ve established that Michelle07 is not in Antarctica, Siberia or northern Alaska. Super Stalking Computer, begin narrowing your search for possible locations …
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!!! SEE MY MOVIE!!!
This is the perfect movie if you want to take your sister on a date.
Donk, I stand by my earlier statement. Note that I DID NOT say that EVERYBODY that drives a truck is a real man. I mean c’mon, my mom drives a truck.
Wait. Forget I said that.
Toby, is it true that Kenny Chesney and Peyton Manning have a summer home in Nantucket?
This is the perfect movie if you want to take your sister on a date.
Just make sure you smuggle in lots of beer for your whore sis.
cdogg, I thought you were saying that you had a mullet as well as a ten-year-old boy inside of you.Â
If Richard Gere were born in Alabama, would his gerbil have had a mullet?
Toby Keith makes me want to do two things:Â
1) arrest Mexicans
2) arrest Mexicans
The budget for this movie went mostly into Natty Light and belt buckles.
It would be a lot better for his career if he changed his name to Toby Teeth. Good lord they’re impressive.
Jesus…how often is Carrington in underwear during this film?
I think Toby just wanted to make out with Claire Forlani, hence his writing this thing ala Kevin Smith and that whole Degrassi Jr High/Jay and Silent Bob crossover.
And not once was Git-R-Done said…thank you god for small favors.
There’s an academic theory that all of literature can be boiled down to seven basic plots. The seven basic plots are: overcoming the monster; rags to riches; the quest; voyage and return; comedy; tragedy; rebirth. After watching that trailer again another plot can be added to the list: Crocodile Dundee 2.
New Post.
Toe-B’s Plan-A is NG.
How do you circumcise a redneck?
Slap his sister in the back of the head.
Would Toby Keith just die already? I say, fuck the south, let them secede. Anyone who sings "We will put a boot in your ass" with a straight face should not be allowed to spawn. Fuck Toby Keith. Fuck him in his stupid ass.
Oh for the love of god…
*breaths in*