EBERT & ROEPER BECOMES DBAG & DBAG
07.22.08
To follow-up on this morning’s story about Ebert & Roeper leaving At the Movies, Nikki Finke is now reporting that the new hosts will be Ben Mankiewicz and Ben Lyons (Ben & Ben). Who the fuck are they, you rightly ask?
…a Generation Why duo who only got the gig due to nepotism. Ben Lyons is the nobody son of Jeffrey Lyons, the film critic world’s biggest hack and quote whore with zero credibility, while Ben Mankiewicz is the slacker host on Turner Classic Movies, whose only claim to fame is that he’s a watered-down member of the famous film family. Now, there’s a working definition of the death of film criticism for you.
More on Mankiewicz:
Son of political figure, Frank Mankiewicz, grandson of famed screenwriter, Herman Mankiewicz, and great-nephew of screenwriter, producer and director, Joseph L. Mankiewicz. He is the brother of NBC News reporter Josh Mankiewicz. He is married to Contessa Kellogg. [Wiki]
More on Lyons:
Ivanka Trump once called Lyons’ house collect when they were kids. They went to the same school as children and have several mutual friends [probably all insufferable private school shitbags]. Lyons deejays every week at L.A. hot spots the Dime and the Roosevelt Hotel. Ben dated Whitney Port from the MTV reality show The Hills. [Wiki]
Wow, a guy married to “Contessa Kellogg” and MC Boarding School, this sounds like a blast. I’d never been worried about the competition from traditional media before, but now that they’ve hired these two wunderkinds so uniquely in touch with the voice of the common folk… I hate to say it, but this might just kill the internet.
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What? They couldn’t find an asswipe Jew named Jerry?
I already know the rating they’d give an Entourage movie.
Are Seltzer and Frieberg putting this on? Will it be called "Critic Show"?
asses
They’ve already picked the Tucker Max project as "Movie of the Year."
Finally, a critic team that can explain to me why Meet the Spartans was funny.
Their new signature sign-off line will be "We’ll save you an aisle seat…but you better put out. My dad owns this theater."
/salutes Michelle
"the use of striped shirts and red bull was truly remarkable. i can’t wait for the sequel ‘turtle goes to market’"
vote reno for cotw! were funny too damn it.
Ben L: "The Dark Knight was great because one time I was laying down hot new tracks at this nightclub and Heath Ledger showed up. I totally felt up Khloe Kardashian that night."
jesus rot, your going to have to tone down the funny, i’m campaining here.
Upcoming reviews of Valkyrie-
Mankiewicz: I thought this movie portrayed Jews in a bad light. I mean, not one was shown owning a jewelry store or anything. Geesh! This only gets an "O" on our "OMG!!" rating scale.
Lyons: World War II was real? I thought it was just something my Great Great Grandfather made up. Tom Cruise is fucking awesome in whatever he does though, so I give it an "OM".
Reno, I’m giving you two more chances not to annoy me before I discontinue your commenting privileges.
PLEASE tell me that the "zip-up hoodie under the suit jacket" look is now fashionable. when i tell the homeless man on the corner he is now en vogue, he might let me kick his dog for free this time
Ho-lee shit. From their pictures they’re a whole lot more “Pedophile Priest & Altar Boy” than “Ebert & Roeper”.
Ben: “I gave this movie two thumbs way up!”
Ben: “It’s true, it’s why I’m doing the show standing!”
I’m guessing that Roger Ebert pulled the old "I’m fired? Oh, no – I quit!" routine here…
Actually Stone, I believe he used the "I’m fired? Oh no, I’m dying" routine.
Mankiewicz: I give this movie three date-rapes out of five!
By this logic (the, my family is in movies therefore it’s in their blood and they’re qualified) I should be able to blow up bridges and people. Well, can’t hurt to try…where do these guys live?
We’re sure Gene Siskel is unavailable?
i wish my local clinic gave me 2 more chances to not be a d-bag.
America’s been waiting for the double first name void to be filled ever since ‘Cult Jam’ went back to work at the mall.
i’m immediately snatching up stock in whatever company is this show’s hair gel supplier
Ben & Jerry give the McConnogay Surfer Crap Movie a "Cherry Garcia"!
Ben & Ben, where movies will be rated with a system of gun fingaz. That’s right, here’s two pointin’ right at you, chief.
Michelle, by the same logic, I should be allowed to judge haggis cookoffs and/or scalping competitions, but you won’t see me volunteering to toss the caber at a pow-wow any time soon.*
*Because I’m like 50% less douchebag than either one of these two, but I digress.
Having done a GIS of Contessa Kellogg i don’t thing she’s a real Contessa. As for being a Kellogg, well i wouldn’t really know about that.
Will Mankiewicz rate the movies as either snipped for good and hooded for bad?
She’s got a lot up front though
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gp6La5itIB0
I’ve always said nothing prepares one for the nuance and discerning nature of film criticism like boning some vapid bleach blonde bag of AIDS from The Hills. Apparently Disney agrees. Well played, sirs.
From the future poster for Kung Fu Panda 2:
"I, like, totally thought it was great when that panda kicked that other thing in the face! LOL! 2 thumbs up! TO THE EXTREME!"
Ben Lyons, Some Show that Went Off The Air After 2 Weeks
I hope the show opens with a shot of them making out in the back row.
Bronzie, after performing a similar GIS I would say she makes a great pair of llamas
When reached for comment Roger Ebert stated, "Yngaagh rrrawwggg."
fuck my life
Say what you want Charlie, but I think the person filling out the birth certificate misunderstood what her parents said. Her name was supposed to be Conteesha.
On a serious note, I’d just like to add that I actually respect Roger Ebert a lot. For all the jokes made about mainstream film criticism, and he is certainly guilty of pandering to the lowered expectations of the general movie-going public from time to time, the guy knows cinema and is able to write about it in a very accessible way. This is just retarded.
I named my nuts Siskel & Ebert: 1) because they’ve given every performance of mine a thumbs down, and 2) because one of them died.
Having done a GIS of Contessa Kellogg i don’t thing she’s a real Contessa. As for being a Kellogg, well i wouldn’t really know about that.
I don’t doubt it, these rich kids tend to flock together, plus Ben definitely has the look of a cereal rapist.
I heard she wanted to marry Count De Money
THAT’S DE MONAAAY!
I have an advanced copy of Ebert’s review of the next Disney/Pixar movie:
"It was alright, but it was no Kung Fu Panda."
I give this idea 4 out of 5 cocks in the popcorn.
She’s on a show called The Young Turks but is co-presenting with a guy who looks like he rolls with fellas called Moose and Rocco. I don’t get it.
I actually think the Kelloggs adopted her after Count Chocula went on one too many tequila binges.
Why do they keep giving movies thumbs up each others butts?
more like Contessa Chocula
I’d like to put some man milk on her cocoa pebbles.
Pay no attention to the retard slobbering on his shirt. He’s harmless.
SOUP -
I have an advanced copy of Ebert’s review of the next Disney/Pixar movie:
"It was alright, but it was no Panda EXPRESS, that shit tastes so fucking good!"
physics.
oh damn you stinky peet
When reached for comment Gene Siskel commented, "…"
Guys, I don’t know what to do! There are hidden cameras all over the unisex bathroom in the office, and they all belong to me!!!
Mankiewicz got a little carried away with the mascaping of his eyebrows.
Roeper? I don’t hardly know her!
and these quotes are right off thier own Facebook pages.
new up
My prayers have finally been answered. How long God? How long have I been asking for Will Wheaton’s insight on current movies at the box office? Maybe we’ll get witty anecdotes about how sean astin really is a nice guy.
What’s great about this is that since Disney chose them, 8 or 10 years down the line they’ll be flashing all of us their junk.
DANCE PUPPETS DANCE!!
Good. Now I won’t have to ask random douche bags wandering the streets of Hollywood their opinions of upcoming new releases anymore. I can just watch these two douche bags on t.v. and they will inform me as to which of the movies that their uncle financed that I should pay to see.