WEEKEND PREVIEW: LOTS OF CRAP
06.06.08
Opening this weekend (click titles for trailer):
Kung Fu Panda
Jack Black plays a panda, because Jack Black is fat and pandas are also fat. The panda does kung fu because pandas are from China and kung fu is also from China. Get it? Did we lose anyone? Also, they use the song "Kung Fu Fighting" in the trailer. I thought that was clever. I also heard the shooting schedule was "Eat, Shoot, Leave." Ha! Get it? If not, click here.
You Don’t Mess with the Zohan
Hey! You know what’s a better idea than this? Anything.
The Go-Getter
In the movies, you can steal Zooey Deschanel’s car and it leads to romance and adventure. In real life, you steal her underwear and she acts like you’re Jeffrey Dahmer or something. Jeez, bitch, haven’t you heard making a doll out of someone’s pubic hair is the sincerest form of flattery?
The Promotion
A comedy starring John C. Reilly and Stifler as two competing grocery store managers. Reviews are all over the map for this one. Given the stars and the material, it’s a wonder that we’ve barely heard about it. Someone at the studio must really hate it. Meanwhile, someone in Seattle loves me. Got the teddy bear to prove it.
Mongol
Word on the street seems to be that this is boring, but Mongols are my third favorite historical group behind Vikings and Pirates. Least favorite? Still Hare Krishnas.
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According to some interview with Sandler, he wrote Zohan years ago and the original plot was some loser guy that just blows up at people and kicks their asses. What we have now is apparently what Apatow and Smigel brought to the table. I’m so confused.
Look’s like Kung Fu Panda will be the only thing I’m downloading this weekend. Other than the porn that I’ll download for a friend of a friend.
Yeah, thanks for downloading that for me, Nom
I think Zohan will make money, just because men are going to "payback" their women for dragging them to see Scary Bradshaw and co.
*Strolls into the thread, eating a sandwich*
*Pulls out a PPK and starts shooting Hare Krishnas*
*Begins walking towards exit, speaking over shoulder, "Bitch, I’m a panda. Look it up."*
Eh. If they really wanted to pay back their women they should do what I do….make that pic you took of that BJ your desktop wallpaper right before her dad comes over to use the comp-u-der.
Yeah, that would be better. I worry about you Nom, you bitter fuck
To quote the late Notorious B.I.G.
And I’m down with the shit too
For the stupid motherfuckers wanna try to use Kung-Fu
Instead of a Mac-10 he tried scrappin
Slugs in his back and, that’s what the fuck happens
This weekend, I’m planning to see the threshold of my alcohol tolerancy.
I’m going out to the area KC bars and buying drinks for any of my fellow Red Wings fans.
In other words, I’m saving money this weekend.
No you’re not. You’re express-mailing me a beer, Donk.
Sorry Al, I don’t pay for phone sex and I don’t buy beers for people I can’t get angry with later and punch in a drunken rage.
You’re more than welcome to visit this weekend though.
Well not if you’re going to punch me in a drunken rage, Donkey. I was going to offer up a guilt-free hummer but nevermind then.
lANCE, WHERE DO kLINGONS RATE ON YOUR FAVE HISTORICAL GROUPS?
Fuck it! I ain’t fixin’ it!
They are right under Mimes as least favorite thing for me.
This weekend, I’m planning to see the threshold of my alcohol tolerancy.
The Mighty Fek’lhr seconds this motion.
Al, let’s make a deal. I’ll take a guilt-free hummer in exchange for making sure that you’re not the one who gets punched if I end up in a drunken rage. The odds of a drunken rage are pretty low right now anyway.
The beer is, of course, still on the table for rooting for the right team.
I punched a chick once. But don’t get all upset, it was my mom.
mmm table
Donkey, I’ll be out tonight in KC, too. I won’t be sporting red and white, but I will order a drink and put it on your tab behind your back.
This banner photo reminds me of the time I reenacted the Owen Hart incident with stuffed animals.
"Yes, can you just put this vodka tonic on Mr. Hodey’s tab? Thank you."
Ha ha! Al’s gonna get Donkey Punched.
Ok then folks, daddy’s off to honor his mother’s cooter for lettin’ him through without knowing the password. Stay strong, fight the good fight, and lick it ’til their eyes roll back in their heads.
Later Baby Jesus. Have a good one.
Thanks Pauly, I’ve been trying to come up with a Donkey punch joke for 10 minutes now.
BTK, the AC guy called. The Mighty Fek’lhr is feeling less suicidal now.
Heather is that you in your av? I’m trying to figure out what’s on your shirt. If anything. Maybe I’m seeing things.
OK, so I feel like I’m maybe a 10th of the way drunk. I think I might pull another "Fraturday" like last week. I can feel it in my bones.
and boner
Quit poking me if you’re not gonna put out. You know who you are.
Pauly, I’m half cut right now and goddammit I’m leaving early today. Drunk on, my brutha.
Al, some nice gentleman decided to bump into me while I was minding my business and leaning with it and rocking with it at the bar. Just a little spill. At least that’s my story for covering up a facial gone wrong.
To be honest guys, I’m on the verge of choking this old lady I work with and she isn’t even here today. I’ve spent the majority of my day fixing her mistakes.
Come Monday, she’s canned. I’m gonna hire someone hot, that way, I won’t be so mad when she fucks up.
She probably won’t put out as often as the crone Pauly. Be careful what you wish for.
JHC, Happy Birthday you glorious bastard.
Heather, if you can’t name the five best Red Wings players, I’m putting a roofie in your vodka tonic and dropping your ass off in Wyandotte County. If I’m going to pay for that drink, I’m going to get my money’s worth.
WHAT! Today was J’s birfday????????
*BIG Klingon hug*
Dor sho gha! He will get drunk in your honour tonight, J!
Let’s all get drunk in the name of the Lord tonite. I think that’s a brilliant idea. Plus, I’m already drunk.
Plus my Filmdrunk has been loading up like that one-legged catcher kid on crutches.
damn i missed J’s birffday, happy birffday J!!!!!
Donkey, you got a RedWings ‘fan’ right here buddy. Al will confirm that too. Can’t name 5 best players though, I haven’t watched for a good bit. I did however watch 3 games from this stanley cup. Long story short, lets all agree to make it Lawrence and you can buy me a beer. Feel free to punch away too. Nobody’s giving me a blowjob though, I forbid it.
Pauly, watching it load has made you laugh your ass off and feel badly for doing so?
I only get that feeling when I go to clown porn sites.
Happy B-day J. I’m going to slam a beer for you right fuckin’ now.
Happy Birthday JHC. It’s about time you had one of those. P.S. You got some mighty fine looking hookers on craigslist. Just a birthday guess.
See that was pretty fast, except I got a little beer on my shirt and now I look like Heather’s av.
Nommy, the Lawrence bars and pool halls still filled with college students this time of year?
So, incredibly awesome?
Lawrence sucks. I went to The Outhouse once. My stripper smelled like Easter lillies and corndogs.
Donk, I meant that it’s loading like that human unicycle runs. And no, I don’t feel bad for laughing. I already got my courtside seats in hell.
Less college students, more ruffian loser Topeka pricks. Widely known fact: Almost all the car stereo’s stolen in Lawrence and a good 80% of the shooting that occur in Lawrence are perpetrated by some fucker from Topeka.
Lawrences population shrinks during the summer by, what is it, something like 25,000 people? Who knows. Regardless, the girl to guy ratio in lawrence is something like 3:1 year round.
In that Sexman thread, I had 4 Filmdrunk windows open on my computer just so I could keep up.
And now I have 4 beer cans open so I can get drunk.
Heather, your problem was that you went to the Outhouse. I’m not gonna drive out to a tittie bar that doesn’t serve alcohol, just so I can have a nasty looking skank try to hit me with a $10 cover charge. Just not goona. I’ll stick to Club Orleans for now, thank you.
You could always come to topeka and check out the Sasnak bar. Free hotdogs all day there. Nothing says classy like fat ugly naked crackheads mixed with free hotdogs.
I went to the Outhouse shortly after my high school graduation. I was young and dumb and enjoyed the hell out of myself.
My balls still itch.
See, you guys gotta go to the classy joints. Ones where the stripper fart on you if you ask.
I didn’t know today was Christmas. Man, my family sucks.
If you guys get out to Vegas we’ll hit the Spearmint Rhino. Far and away the most talented line up of any skin joint on the planet. $10 jack and cokes and $8 ATM fees but oh so very talented.
In MN there’s no liquor in strip joints so you get all hoped up on the soda pops and hop around like Daffy Duck. Essss very sexy. Although I’ve never been to a strip joint. I’m a laaadaaay.
*lifts pinky while taking swig of beer. pokes out eye.
At Score’s here the nearest ATM is like 10 blocks away but conveniently there’s one right by the door. The atm fee is something like $10 and there’s a $100 minimum and they get grumpy when you start screaming that it’s rape. So sensitive they are. Mmm. And the cover is $35. Redonkulous.
No cover for locals at the Rhino but $8 bones plus the 2.50 from my bank on the back end makes my erection go away.
That’s why you wear boots to strip club. If they won’t serve you with liquor, you just serve yourself up a piss boot and enjoy!
The Mighty Fek’lhr intends to hunt werewolf tonight. You all know what that means, don’t you? He will need LOTS of "Silver Bullets". :D QAPLAH!
You guys make me want to go to teh strip club tonight, now.
Shhh, I was going anyway.
Piss won’t cut it. I need the booze to believe they really love me.
:( low funds, lower selfesteem
SMB, Strippers are incapable of human emotions like Love. Dating a stripper is like owning a pet Orangutan; They’re cute and they do all sorts of things that make you think that they love you (like swing from the ceiling), but the minute you turn your back, they’ll bonk you on the head with the leg of your coffee table and ransack your place looking for bananas.
That analogy went downhill fast…
Donk, you look like a fucking deer in headlights at your wedding! QAPLAH!
BTK, He is getting smashed and listening to "Appetite for Destruction". That is pretty bad ass!
Fek, the only time in my entire life I was more frightened than that day was when I woke up after my motorcycle accident in the hospital.
… The scary noises in the closet when I was 5 is a distant third.
Donk- I know the drill, hence the booze.
Anybody know where i could pick up an orangutan?
True story: I was fine at the wedding, however, even though my wife had told me repeatedly before that she would marry me, I almost passed out when I "officially" proposed to her. I was shaking so bad I almost fell over.
Anybody know where i could pick up an orangutan?
Try a front porch in North Carolina.
GUY’CHA!
FYI, if you guys are ever driving on Highway 50 between Kansas City and Sedalia and you see a metal shed with neon spraypaint that says "CluB SKiN" do NOT pull over. There’s other clubs east and west of there, trust me it’s not worff it.
In other news, I just noticed netflix added The Orphanage and The Ten to their watch instantly section, so I’ll see you clubskinners later.
the orphenage is a kick ass movie
I’m out. Peace mice-humpers!
Donkey has a very pretty wife. I’da looked like a deer in the headlights, too.
I’da browned my dress ifyouknowwhatimean.
That’s exactly why she was wearing the white dress and I was in the tux, Michelle.
Everyone looks so normal in real life, its amazing how we say such perverse things.
"Look normal"? Speak for yourself.
Till later right Donk? Yeah? Am I right? seriously is my husband weird for wearing my dress?
I know Eib, it’s weird. I hope we don’t become inhibited
FUCK NUT COCK SUCKING ROAD WHORES
guess not.
I didn’t wear my wife’s dress, she wouldn’t let me. She does let me wear the clothes of the runaways I pick up though. She’s cool like that.
The Ten was really disappointing. The "funniest" sketch was the main Liev Schrieber sketch, and that was only funny for about two minutes.
Also: Hasek, Howard, Osgood (I know my goalies), my boo Hank Zetterberg, Pavel Datsun-Nissan, Maltby, Draper, Chelios still counts even though he wasn’t in the playoffs, McCarty still sorta counts, right?… uh… that’s all I can think of off the top of my head. What do I win? I get to punch Donkey?
P.S., Go Tigers.
My favorite Historical Group: Unwed mothers that will do anything to find their baby a daddy.
Shit, I gotta pay attention to who I’m logged in as. Uh, Hulk Love Detroit. Lots of empty buildings to smash.
Hulk attend night school?
Hulk echoes my sentiments almost exactly. The Liev Shcrieber sketch was alright, but mainly when it had to do with hitting children. That whole thing was pretty cool, the rest wasn’t really worth my time. And I’m unemployed so….
And Eib….I do look normal in real life. Until I start perving out on ya, then my skin gets all blotchy, my eyes dialate…and then I eventually run.
Hulk, you didn’t mention Lidstrom or Rafalski.
HULK HATE DEFENSEMEN!
The Mighty Fek’lhr wants to see The Orphanage but is too drunk to drive to the rental place. :(
Wait…no He’s not!!!!!!!!!! BRB!
Hulk, I still have no idea who the hell you are, and I sympathize with the "not knowing who you logged in as", since I drunkenly did that myself this morning… but I am drawn to your knowledge of hockeyness.
(that means I want you. PM me.)
You’re not fooling anyone, Al.
Sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. I don’t want to make you angry. I have a feeling I. Wouldn’t. Like. You. When. You’re. Angry.
Bush weighs new measures to help stimulate economy (http://tinyurl.com/59o8k2)
We can only hope that he can formulate more tax breaks for the rich. If anyone needs help right now, it’s the rich. And all those tax cuts he’s given them since he whitehoused has definitely helped the economy, just like he said. Bush is an ecoNOMic genius, no doubt about it.
No really – I’m not Hulk. I can barely keep track of Contractor Mike. I’m still waiting for that PM.
Hulk want to make Shrek joke at funny Donkey Hodey but Hulk not bother watching Shrek films. He see all he need to of Shrek in I Am Legend.
(GRR! BAD ENDINGS MAKE HULK SMASH!)
Pre-Menstrual me too Hulk baby! Pre-Menstrual me too.
Hulk, whoever you are, I hope you’re a guy. Henrik Zetterberg is my boo too.
Zetterberg so dreamy. Hulk like ginger beards.
You guys will never recover from this:
http://www.electricretard.com/0006.html
*Or, you know. Ginger-ish.
Hulk also miss Yzerman’s yearly serial-killer-esque roster picture gracing stat graphics for every game.
Wow.
Thanks Fek, you’re right.
Steve is still in the front office though, the cameras catch him every few games. His wife is still smokin’. Fucking figures he was ‘blessed’ with only daughters. I respect him so much, I wouldn’t abduct any of ‘em.
A little love for the losers – I would like to rock Sidney Crosby’s world. In a pedophilic* way.
* I may have just made that word up. But I think we all know what I mean.
…that you want to stick a pedal up his butt right?
ohhhhhhh nevermind.
I know this got nuttin ta do wit nuttin, but this RATM video has monster trucks and lesbians in it!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=1JSBhI_0at0
Fuck the WHAT!!!
FUCK YEAH, FEK! I needed that. Tom Morello is King.
So I dursted Friday night FilmDrunk?
Exxxcellent…
Chino-
afterif I ever BTK my wife, I want you to be my next. Oh, um, gf. Not (necessarily) victim.:cracks knuckles::
Whatchoo gettin’ ready for, Nommy?
I was preparing to type the funniest thing ever typed by man. Unfortunately, I injured my fingers shile popping my knuckles, so you’ll never read it.
still durst like a champ
My dinner party ended up falling through. Is there no one else who can display their loserdum on this fine friday night?
in return to fek
http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?vid=236249
I fanboy that all year
Nommy, I just can’t help but think that Terminator 4 would kick 8-10 times more ass if the director of that video were given the helm instead of Mayor McCheese.
Looks like someone got a bitchin deck of tarot cards and a brand new mac book for their birfday. It’s sweet of him to cast his parents.
Nommy-KICK. ASS.
Moooom, don’t call me sweet! I’m in a death metal band! Ok [mubles] bye. I said [whispers] I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU. GOD, NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!
I have the futurama movie that comes out later this month. Pretty fucking funny too. Something mean about sexman.
I was on my way to go see Kung Fu Panda when I stopped at a light, looked to my left and saw a free VD clinic. I thought to myself "My dick-hole can sure use a cotten swabbing right about now".
I’ve noticed Angelina Jolie isnt getting as close to this film as Jack Black is- I know she appeared at a couple events with him but she isnt mentioned as the voice of one of the main characters on any of the tv commercials for it. Hmm..
http://www.lexusisperformance.com (play game, unlock secret)
I would like to thank The Mighty One for rocking my Sunday night with those sweet comics. My 8 year old niece loved them so much she went running away screaming something about "nightmare" and "Mommy I pissed myself". Whatever the fuck that means. Stupid kids.