SPIKE LEE PLANNING TIME TRAVEL
06.18.08
Variety today reports that Spike Lee’s next project after Miracle at St. Anna will be directing and co-writing Time Traveler, an adaptation of a memoir by Ronald Mallet, one of the nation’s first black Ph.Ds in Theoretical Physics, whom I imagine grabbing his crotch and yelling, “Ph DEEZ NUTS!’ upon being handed his diploma. What?
Mallett, who wrote the book [full title: Time Traveler: A Scientist's Personal Mission to Make Time Travel a Reality] with Bruce Henderson, recounts his rise from poverty to a distinguished academic and scientific career, and it lays out the technical specs for what Mallett envisions as a workable time machine. Developing a time machine became an obsession for Mallett from the age of 10 after his father’s death. His goal was to travel back in time to save his father.
Lee plans to use Mallet’s work to lay out his theory that the space-time continuum is just a conspiracy to keep the black man from going back in time and partying with dinosaurs. Suck on that, whitey, you no rhythm having ass motherfuckers.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/12/Eddie-Murph-marion-barry-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/11/Frank-MIller-comic-con-150x150.jpg)
The Mighty Fek’lhr is sure that Spike Lee secretly wishes he was a Celtics fan todday.
BAH! (Minus one "d"…)
I wish I were born in poverty so I could look at where I’m at in life and be proud of what I’ve accomplished.
Time travel already exists. The black people who live by the Orange Bowl are still living in the 1970s.
Todday comes before Mattday.
According to that photo, Spike traveled back to 2000. Hopefully he’ll remember to bring his relevancy back with him.
once again
"Do You Guys Get That I’m Black Yet?"
A Spike Lee Joint.
Act I: White man tells him he’s to dumb to learn, he goes to school anyway.
Act II: White man tells him he can’t time travel, he builds machine.
ActIII: He accidentally travels back to Georgia in the 1840s and is captured by a white man.
Actraiser: cool video game.
His goal was to travel back in time to save his father.
But if his father lives, wouldn’t his inspiration to make a time-machine be gone, and therefore nulling his drive to attain a PhD?
But then he wouldn’t be able to go back in time to save his dad…and his dad would die, and he would make the time machine…
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t go TOO far back in time, Spike. I know you don’t have the back to be working on the plantation.
This will be the black Contact.
Spike is actually re-shaping the plot to centralize on returning to the early ’80s, where the main character will bitch slap the writers of Back To The Future for suggesting that a white kid originated Rock and Roll.
When told that really wasn’t the implication, Spike threw his fist in the air and screamed "FIGHT THE POWER"!
The Mighty Fek’lhr liked how the white kids from Back to the Future called the black guys "Reefer Addicts".
Time Traveler 1: Building a Time Machine
Time Traveler 2: Killing Eastwood
His goal was to travel back in time to meet his father.
I’d be willing to time travel back to 5 minutes before Spike was conceived and convince his Mom that she needs to try "the other white meat".
The time machine in Spike Lee’s new movie will be built into a Cadillac Escalade. When it reaches 88 miles per hour, a 72" subwoofer that propels emits a pulse the vehicle through time on a funkadelic shockwave.
Spike Lee actually uses the time machine to go about 4000 years into the past and insert "baak gwai" into the Chinese vernacular.
God damned last minute editing. Ignore "that propels", please.
Hey Leon, is that the chick from Double Draggin’ 2- Ball Slappin’, in your avatar?
I might see this just because I wanna know how this guy builds a flux capacitor out of peanuts.
Don’t go TOO far back in time, Spike. You might get pwned.
By a Slave Master.
Spike will be going back to the antebellum South to save Nat Turner.
Yes, the latin version.
His business card says "Ronald Mallet, PHD — Feoretical Physnizzicist"
This will be the black Contact.
The title will be Q’ontax.
The "Back to the Future" moment of this movie will be when Mallett returns from the past, he’ll turn on the TV and find out that the Knicks are world champs, not the mu’fuckin’ Celtics.
Don’t go TOO far back in time, Spike. “Whips” might not be a slang word for cars.
I thought that black Contact was about prison.
Mallet’s time machine was repossesed.
Kwanza Leap
Mallet’s dream was crushed when he learned you can’t put plutonium on layaway.
Oh, so you da smarty-arnt Mallett, huh? Lemme ask ya this, lemme ask ya this. Can ya kick MY ass?
For the love of Kwanzaa Bot! Has nobody made a Black to the Future joke yet? Fuckin slackers.
The real problem occurs when he goes forward in time and discovers that society has cured all its problems with the help of the music of two white kids from San Dimas.
Bogus
8====D ;(
FUCK! Black to the Future. God dammit.
At least an architect came up with it.
Back in Black? Too late?
On his death bed, Clint Eastwood receives a letter from Spike Lee. He opens it and finds a photo of the flag raising at Iwo Jima. As he looks closely, he notices an unusual figure in the background. It appears to be Spike Lee bent over and showing his bare ass. Clint opens the letter and it reads:
"TIME TRAVEL, CRACKA!"
Respeck! Bitches!
Hey, more like Black to the Future!
Damnit, looks like my time machine is broken.
Nufin’ but Erswi, you da man.
Just like in Back to the Future, you will hear the phrase Jiggawatt pronounced exactly like Doc Brown did.
Except for this one, it will be because Jay-Z is playing on the stereo in the time machine.
Tyrone and Lamar’s Excellent Adventure?
Nothing?
National Lampoon’s Holladay?
How He Time Travel?
I just realized, I’ve heard of this Mallett guy before, he’s a professor at the local state college. He’s your prototypical theoretical physicist: extremely smart, passionately driven, and slightly insane.
According to his bio, when he was 10 his Dad died of a heart attack, and then he read H.G. Wells and devoted his life to going back to warn his pops about smoking. The world is lucky he chose his current path, we were one physics degree away from another batch of Truth ads.
White Men Can’t Jump Back in Time.
Will he be able to save (the town money by bringing advanced techniques to the original construction of) The Rec Center?
Ice Cube will play Ronald Mallet, but who will play the adorable kids?
He’s going to get pulled over by Jean Claude Van Damme who, thanks to racial profiling, is automatically going to assume that his time machine is stolen.
Looks like the black man has succeeded in going back in time to party with dinosaurs. "Everybody Walk The Dinosaur" was a huge hit.
I bet it’s liscense plate says fresh and it has dice on the mirror.
He goes back in time to kill the maofucker that switched his Latrell jersey for a
Kiki Vandeweghe one.
Time Cop 2: Black In Time
He comes back all pissed.
"Man, ain’t no black people in no Deloreans in the future, and shit!"
We going "Black In the Day".
Mallett calls his device the Funk Master Flex Capacitor
Spike Lee goes back in time, saves the DeLorean, and now all gangstas ride DeLows, not Lambos
But really, don’t you see? If he goes back in time and saves his father, he won’t learn to make time machines, and he won’t be able to go back in time, so his father will die, so he will learn to make time machines then, but then he saves him, and never makes the time machine, so his father dies…
WTF?????
Fek, stop being such a termihater.
Yeah Fek, why you gotta drink Haterade?
He’s going back into time when he was known as "Spunk Lee"
Since the rec center joke was already played…
Goes back in time to warn that there are snakes on the motherfuckin plane.
It’s okay, people. Fek’s just upset that he won’t see Linda Hamilton tit-tays in this time travel movie.
I’ve never heard such nonsense as a black guy knowing who his father is. Who makes this shit up?
Let me clarify. ’84 Linda Hamilton, not Linda Hamilton now.
You know, Leon, I’m not entirely sure which is better.
Ronald Mallet, one of the nation’s first black Ph.Ds in Theoretical Physics,
What do you call a black man who is a scientist with an advanced degree and is internationally known………………..?
I hope he doesn’t "nag".