After the jump, I’ve got the trailer for The Tale of Despereaux, an animated film from Universal.  Normally I’d say no one but Pixar should be allowed to make animated movies, but after watching this… My position hasn’t changed.

Starring the voice of Matthew Broderick, the movie tells the story of Despereaux, a mouse who is French, because the law of movie clichés says all mice are French.  Despereaux isn’t like other mice, because he’s not afraid of people.  Like many children’s stories, this would have us believe that animals are intelligent, sensitive beings capable of speech and wearing clothes, and the only reason we don’t know is because they’re taught to fear us.  It’s the kind of thing that’s a real downer if you’re stoned and you just squashed the fuck out of a spider. 

Friday Free for All is a regular feature on FilmDrunk in which I post a video that I deem worthy of watching, regardless of whether it’s film related. Though in this case, it actually is film related. I’m the winner! Send your tips to lance@filmdrunk.com.

The fine folks at Cracked Black20 have done a great job creating Batman vs. Batman vs. Batman vs. Batman.  At this stage in the game, I think Christian Bale is clearly the best Batman.  Keaton was good, but a strange choice, physically.  I love Clooney and his chin, but he’s totally wrong for Batman.  Val Kilmer could’ve been great if they gave him a decent script, but these days, he mostly walks around the house wearing a utility belt filled with powdered donuts and ranch dressing.  It’s sad, donuts look much better on a bandolero.  

(300 is Homophobic Turtle’s favorite movie, because all the guys are so tough and manly.)

A few days ago, Collider broke the news that The Fall director Tarsem Singh was attached to direct Gods of War, a film from the producers of 300 who planned to “use the stuff they learned on 300” to make another Greek epic about a war between the Gods and the humans.

Today, Variety reports that Warner has greenlit Clash of the Titans (which is also basically a Greek God-war story) with Incredible Hulk director Louis Leterrier attached.

But wait, there’s more!  The same producers who discussed Gods of War also report that they’re working on a prequel or sequel to 300. Hooray for originality!  But on the plus side… It’s rainin’ men… in skirts!  With washboard abs!  Someone hold my ankles while I do these situps – it’s time to get sweaty!  Toga! Toga! Toga!

Hellboy II: The Golden Army opens July 11th and promises to be filled with strange, creepy little creatures, a lá Pan’s Labyrinth, or your sister’s underpants.

The story of Hellboy begins in hell, when Hellboy, a demon, was brought to Earth as an infant by Nazi occultists – much like Brett Ratner.  He was rescued by Allied Forces and grew up buff and red, with a tail and horns that he filed off to look normal.  According to Wikipedia, he smells like dry-roasted peanuts.  Brett Ratner, meanwhile, smells like Nachos and Axe body spray.   

[Thanks to Robo for the tip] 

One more clip here (fast-forward to the 1:39 mark)

Robert Rodriguez is producing a film adaptation of Red Sonja (you may remember the 1985 version with Brigitte Nielsen), with his penis once again serving as casting director.  His girlfriend Rose McGowan (above right), who looks like a dish soap ad from the 50s, is set to play the lead.

"I was surprised when Rose brought me a script of Red Sonja that she liked," Rodriguez says. …"I found it very entertaining. Sonja was strong, smart, cunning — just about everything she’d have to be to survive."

…Yeaaah… so apparently he also let her choose the script…

"When they first came to me with it, I thought it was funny," says the actress, 34. "I do have a body made for sitting on a veranda with mint juleps and a parasol. I don’t know why I always have to save the planet."  [Because you're bad at acting –Ed.]
…McGowan and Rodriguez have not seen Nielsen in the original, and they have no plans to catch up. As the actress explains, "Why put that in my head?"
Instead, the origin story, to be directed by longtime Rodriguez associate Douglas Aarniokoski, will take its cues from the comic books as well as works by pulp novelist Robert E. Howard, father of the original Sonja (then spelled Sonya) and Conan the Barbarian. [USA Today]

You may remember that Rodriguez also tried to cast McGowan in his remake of Barbarella, only to have Universal back out of the project (though he claims the split was a result of a budget disagreement, not McGowan).  Anyway, I’m sure this will be really good, and that all the bathrooms on the set will be super clean because Rose McGowan makes Robert Rodriguez pee sitting down.  "I’m really starting to get used to it!" I imagine him saying.