DAWSON’S CRYPT GETS A TRAILER
06.05.08
Look, a Twilight trailer! Grr, abstinence and vampires!
Edward and his family are unique among vampires in their lifestyle choice. To Edward, Bella is that thing he has waited 90 years for – a soul mate. But the closer they get, the more Edward must struggle to resist the primal pull of her scent, which could send him into an uncontrollable frenzy [he f'n hates Elizabeth Arden -Ed.].
It makes complete sense that he wouldn’t want to bang this chick, I mean, it’s not like the devil already owns his soul or anything. It’s just that being chaste is so sexy – you can tell by all the meaningful looks they share. I mean, some people might argue getting your date drunk on wine coolers so you can touch her boobs after she passes out is sexy too, but try making a movie about that and all of a sudden everyone wants to arrest you. So I’ve heard. From a friend. Let’s call him "Chet".
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Ummm, again . . . don’t care.
All right! Now, who wants to go ahead and convert to Mormonism? The line forms to the right!
…anybody?
Shit, I should have joined Church of England, at least they have cake.
About the movie that is. Tell me more of this "Chet" person.
Forgive me vicar for I have sinned.
Well, so have I.
I poked a badger with a spoon.
Ohhh, that’s an original sin!
Um yeah…so could you please ask "Chet" to return my panties and hair scrunchie? Thaaaanks. And yes, that’s coming from naked Christian Bale, not me.
A 90 year search for a soul mate? He probably spent a good amount of that time fuckin’ dudes to make sure he wasn’t a gay.
Good Lord, it looks like he’s about to bore a hole into the back of her head for the sweet love making. He doesn’t even drive a van!
So, am I to assume that these vampires also love to eat garlic communion wafers while sitting in the front pew every Sunday, clutching their crucifixes and spend their free time stabbing each other in the heart with chopsticks, just to pass the time?
pass
http://www.on205th.com/2008/06/kimbo-slice-before-he-was-household.html
Fek, that’s mostly for you.
Call me a purist, but all vampire movies should star a young Jim Carrey.
Especially if virginity is a main theme, right Burnsy?
Or Nic Cage running around "I’M A VAMPIRE I’M A VAMPIRE"
Virginity should always be the main theme. Until the piss boots are served, that is.
Spoiler Alert: Nobody cares about Twilight.
I’m going to go see this movie in blackface and constantly yell at the screen "Bite that white bitch!"
I can’t smell that chick at all, and I’m still having a hard time resisting the urge to bang the bejeezus out of
my fisther.They should make more vampire movies like Fright Night that can try to make Marcy Darcy seem hot but still manage to kick ass.
Also, Lince, if you’re gonna renege on calling this thing Dawson’s Crypt in the post, can you at least add that as a tag?
Do you think that after 90 years, every time he looks at this girl he sees a giant cartoon vagina with legs?
Here’s a "thereapeutic" cartoon I made in my sketchbook several years ago regarding goth/vampires (I have no idea what they did to piss me off that day, but this was the result):
http://dreaddormammu.tripod.com/goth.html
Wait so his resisting the urge to bite her is supposed to parallel abstaining from sex, is that it? Then are there puncture marks all over his hands?
Fek, that’s mostly for you.
Erswi, if you would have goatsed me, that would have ruled.
Summit Entertainment’s next feature will be about a young zombie studying to be a brain surgeon.
"AAarrrrhhgggg…. bone saw."
"Bone saw."
"RRrrrrrrrghghrrr…. retractor."
"Retractor."
"AAAIIRRRRGHGHGG… BRAAAAIIINNNS…. SPOOOOON! SPOOOON!"
"Doctor?"
"Nnngghhh….. sorry. Suction."
Edward and his family are unique among vampires in their lifestyle choice
Being a gay vampire isn’t a choice, you’re either born that way or you’re not.
Transcript from 1-900-VAMPIRE:
"You’re different from other guys – kiss my neck… Yeah baby, just like HEY, WAIT! AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
*gurgling sounds*
Whenever I play a paladin in D&D, I make him from Lathander’s Order of Aster.
…
You know, because they specialize in hunting undead (specifically vampires!)?
…
HEY FUCK YOU GUYS!
I bet he’s a completely different kind of underwear sniffer.
::: reloads page :::
I love you, man.
He’s probably in love with her because her flow is always heavy.
What are you saying D? That he uses Tampon teabags?
All I’m saying is that her time of the month is probably pretty fucking tense all around.
New up, and where the fuck is dub dub for this one?
Pauly, I know I’m probably a day late and a dollar short on this one but . . . . Is that the pissboot from Double Dragon?
Why wait for a girl to give it up when you can catch and fuck deers?
But the closer they get, the more Edward must struggle to resist the primal pull of her scent, which could send him into an uncontrollable frenzy =
FAGsomeone whois a fagsees her more than as an objectBut how else will he find out if she has a W tattooed next to her tuna taco?
Didn’t they do the same kind of thing on Buffy? You know once she and Angel have sex he turns all evil. You know like every other dude once they get laid.