WEEKEND PREVIEW: NO SPEED RACER NO
05.09.08
Opening:
Speed Racer
Yahoo has the first seven minutes of Speed Racer online (watch it after the jump), and I’m pretty comfortable saying that it’s like being stuck in a retarded 10-year-old’s coma fantasy. It’s totally new and different, and revolutionary in how much it hurts the fuck out of my face and brain. By the end, I was curled into a fetal position, crying into the beige towel I wrapped around my head. Shoulda taken the blue pill.
What Happens in Vegas
The Las Vegas Board of Tourism reminds you not to think too hard. If you’ve ever seen a romantic comedy, you’ve already seen this. If you still want to see it, it’s probably because you’re really pretty and all your friends are just jealous bitches.
The Fall
Has potential and has received rave reviews from some, but in my mind awesome visuals don’t outweigh the little girl and her creepy accent. Or maybe she’s really cute, what the hell do I know. I just want them to make a prequel called Chick with Big Cans Walking Down Stairs.
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I can’t wait to not see Speed Racer this weekend!
I had a dog named Rex, he licked his balls all the time. That pretty much sums up this movie.
http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=6122&page_number=2
I can’t wait to not listen to The Doctress’s radio show today!
haha
What happens in Vegas, stays on your medical records.
Enough with the Speed Racer, Vance! We get it. They pay you to put it up, but can’t you post something tits or beer related too?
Speed Racer is destined to fail. It basically pisses on the third rail of entertainment.
I think I just had a 7 minute seizure watching that video.
Some review said it was like watching 7 mins of moneygoing up in flames
My cock and I had a talk, and we decided not to see Speed Racer.
Speed Racer has been brought to you by a generous grant from Novartis Pharmaceuticals, makers of Trileptal™, and by viewers nothing like you.
I knew a dude in college that we all called "Speed Racer." He took 29 hours a semester and had the cleanest kitchen I’ve ever seen. He also had a heart attack and dropped dead at 25. So, I think the lesson to be learned is that this movie will kill you.
Speed Racer is what the original version of the Matrix looked like. And Emile Hirsch being a famous actor is the reason nobody accepted the programming.
Ergo, vis-a-vis, a new version of the Matrix was created, one without Emile or male genetalia.
CUNT!!!
BEEEEEXXX!
http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2008/05/10-year-old-giv.html?csp=34
Sorry bout that. Speedracer gave me Turret’s.
Geez uaPlly, way to brighten my day. Ever wonder if you could castrate someone with a weedeater…
Speedracer, in high doses may cause optical herpes, occular syphillis, and anal leakage.
Correction, it will cause these symptoms.
fuck, I thought it looked funny. ocular
I fucking hate you so hard right now, JHC.
Holy shit! There is such a thing as ocular herpes! You gotta be a fucking freak in the sack to contract that shit.
Why you hatin, Pauly notreallysodangerous?
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!
MOTHERFUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Hey! Is that the dude from Contra?
No more Haterade!
Is that the guy from Double Dragon?
RIGHT BACK IN YO ASS!
Yeah!!!!! ITs been fixed! Praise to the Lance!
Damn, that’s hard core.
ABOBO RULES!
Pauly, your posts near the top still have that old avi. So strange
No Eibz. Not fixed, I made another account.
It’s beer o’clock bitches!!! Woo-hoo!
Good luck all.
Say NO to Speedracer, kids.
Oh, well way to get clever with the new name, Pauly.
This is my O.G. account with 4,972 posts.
Oral Giving?
You can change your av on your old account now. I think I’m gonna miss Rick Astley the most.
WAIT IT IS FIXED!!!
PRAISE ALLAH!
Finally, Eibz has something i can
jack offkill kittenspleasure myself on the can to! I still prefer E-Surance chick though. (only cuz Charlize Thewrong ruined the Aeon Flux Klan for me)Damn central standard time…I’m sneaking out.
Did I fix it somehow? QLV?
WHAT IS GOING ON!
You didn’t tell us you were in the Midwest SlerSup
I was able to change mine…the tube socks are back!
Alright sexy ladies and handsomely featured gentlemens, I’m gonna head home, scratch the wife, kiss the dog, and go see Iron Man.
Have a wonderful weekend, and remember, God doesn’t love anyone else more than he loves you.
Which is to say not even a little.
Peace and axle grease.
Heather OG mean Ocular Gonorrhea. Remember, last year’s X-mas present?
Eh, technically in the South. Texas…
Dude, I’m fucking AMP’D I get to change my avatar now.
Well shit then, you and Eibz can enjoy sitting outside of the Midwest 3. Which I think has 7 members or something. Math is fucking hard.
Speed Racer is what’s inside the blue pill. And the blue pill must be taken anally. And your mother has to watch. And she has to smile and make eye contact. (I miss my mom)
Empty anal cavity :(
Eibz is Texas?
Did you just call her fat?
Did I just get my cock teased?
Ohhh. No. It’s only my responsibility to take the prescription, not to remember the acronym(s).
Heather, I think we have an unspoken understanding….
and by "unspoken" I mean venereal.
Just popped back in. Forgot my keys in my
assdesk. I forgot how much I loved some of these avatars.HEY GILBERT!!!
How that little fucker didn’t win an Oscar for that role, I’ll never know.
FUDDERMUCKER!!! I made a new account and now the old ones are fixed?!
Is a coma fantasy the same thing as wanting to go to the hospital and recreate that scene from Kill Bill, except she doesn’t wake up?
I did the same shit, Rapetastic.
thanks assholes. ive been refreshing the last post for half an hour. frowny face.
::dub holds his flaccid peni::
New post Hombresito.
I was stuck back there too dub. Bunch of fucking flat leavers in here.
Donk, love that dog. It looks like he saying "Whaaaaaaaaaat?"
I was fine with my original version of O.G., but if the understanding is what you want, then ok.
<=== LOOK! A yoked out fucking midget!
Heather, the sauce you can have, but the secret she’s-a mine!
Crpa, those are retards.
Refresh.
Refreshing.
heather, i will kick you in the remaining three front teeth you have, so shhhhhhh!!!!
That looks like my dick with a speedo on, Cpar.
I think I’ll theater hop this weekend. Iron man and The Fall. I think I’ll try and find some shrooms too. Sweet.
Fixed accounts or not, Rick Astley isn’t going anywhere.
It’s been fixed for a week at least a week now.
I thought about reversing it so he was looking at the posts
Your dick looks like a fucking Midget.
Jacktion! Not true. i have been trying EVERYDAY!
I noticed someone changed their picture last week.
Dub, unless I need an alcoholic beverage finished off for me, the ability to lose a job, or a $3 stripper sexed up, I have no need for you. Thank you, though.
Newbies were able to change them. Not the old schoolers for some reason. Like JesusChryslersupercar.
Heather, my love, where have you been?
I’ve missed you so.
heather, that makes no sense, none whatsoever.
Well hey there, lover. I’ve been busy. Doing what girls do to claw their way up to middle management, you know?
Did you receive your performance on DVD yet? I mean the Oklahoma! one?
And i’ve missed you Jack.
Jack, you never say you love me anymore. And, I am in Texas, I am not the state of.
But, I did miss your witty banter as well, Heather.
SMB, you will die by my hand. The only way to prevent that from happening is to kill yourself.
Eib, the first scenario that played through my head after reading that was me mentioning that your comment was incredibly disdainful, and you admitting it was, and me getting angry, and then we fought. In mud.
However, the second scenario was for me to say thank you. And let you know that I’ve missed yours as well.
I’m torn…
Well, we could mud fight out of pure joy
Eib, you know I love you. I don’t need to type it, because I mouth it whenever you’re watching me from the bushes.
Oh, yeah, well…
wait, you saw me? Shit!
That is fine with me. Please excuse me while I grab my whip and mouth guard.
omg brb lol!!1
Here’s something that’s sad. There a large number of people on a movie website who frequently ask me when they can see my performance in a musical on DVD.
Fags!
Here’s a shameless plug for my band, just for the hell of it:
myspace.com/mayorsofsuperawesometown
Jack you’ve promised this for a while now and i’ve got to admit, i’m starting to think you’re all talk.
Here’s something else that’s sad: your typing ability.
Regardless, I still love you. Why would you say you miss me when we have phone sex nightly? And sometimes midday?
I agree, SMB. I am beginning to wonder if “theatre practice” was code for “alone time with my bottle of lotion.”
Heather, he’s talking about my promise to kill him, not my performance in Oklahoma.
But, good one Heather, I think you cracked the code.
As for my typing, I’m missing a good sized chunk of my left thumb, and that make it difficult to type in the traditional fashion.
LEMONADE TACOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!!!!!
True.
Jack i listened to some of your music.
Oh… I didn’t realize you were such a badass. How desirable.
"Freeeeee Credit Report dot com YEE HAW!"
By the way, I don’t use lotion.
I like my fifis dry.
F-r-e-e that spells free. Credit report dot com baybee.
Ok I admit it. I’m the guy in those commercials.
Ladies, ladies. Do you not realize it is No Poon Afternoon?
Do you not realize it is No Poon Afternoon?
Sounds like every afternoon of
myClint Howard’s life.I’m thinking of changing my legal name. I’m leaning towards Cool McAwesome. My middle name would be Mufuckin’
Jacktion, you do realize you can change you avatar, right?
I’m going with Trent Uppercut Pauly.
Oh. Well in that case, it’s time for me to go anyway. I’ve got more ‘work’ to do. Have fun, gentlemen. And lady, if she’s still here.
Please notice that SMB said that he listened to some of my music, but didn’t say anything about it.
I guess his mother finally taught him that if you can’t say anything nice about someone, that you shouldn’t say anything at all.
She taught me a hell of a lot more than that.
By ‘work’ do you mean ‘flick the bean’ and by ‘flick the bean’ do you mean ‘masturbate’?
If that’s true than enjoy herpes. I can’t think of anyone that deserves it more.
I liked the S-A-D song which makes me wonder if you had anything to do with it.
Yeah right, Eib. I’m not falling for that. As soon as I switch to something else, you’re gonna Rickroll me, and steal this one.
Sorry, this avatar and I are together forever, and never to part.
I think another good name would be William Killvag.
But you can call me Will.
silly pauly women cant masturbate cause they aint got a dingaling
Did I miss the circle jerk?
SMB, I’m proud to say that I wrote and sang S.A.D.
Eat that! You enjoyed my art!
damn i really need to hit F5 before posting
S.A.D. rocks!!
I did but then you brought me right back to hating you by calling it "my art".
damn i really need to hit
F5myself in the balls before posting.Grrrrr…. scrotal hemorragh!
+h
Yeah, I knew the "art" comment would be infuriating.
<h, +e
fuckit
Hemorragh is the name of Geroge Washinto’s dog
When I drop a graffiti duece and it leaves shit stripes on the bowl on the way down, I call that my
artshit stripes.Well played then. I immediately thought "What a fucking homo".
I did like the two songs i listened to though. Nice work.
Have a good weekend handytards.
There are two things that I love in the world.
The first is The Dukes of Hazzard, and the second is pissing
onoff SMB.I’m thinking about taking my mom to see Speed Racer this weekend for mother’s day. If I play my cards right, I may get lucky (and she’ll have a seizure before she throws away any more of my inheritance on quilting).
Donk, you mama’s boy, you.
so who wants to phone in a bomb threat to my office building?
*Chodin enters MMA ring*
Hey, is this the place where all the dudes fuck eachother!?
*Pauly looks around, no poon in sight, pulls dick out*
NPA back in effect. Donk, where’s the fucking piss boot. It’s Friday, we should be on our 4th round by now.
*Jack calls up bex’s office*
"I’m going to project What Happens in Vegas onto the side of your building!"
Bex, I’m going to call and just play this song into the phone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jY48iTyLrmk
*Chodin pulls out piss boot. Passes it to Pauly*
Easy now Pauly, I had salmon for lunch.
I had asparagus last night! That should give the boot some real kick.
Mmmm fishy…..
thanks guys, work should be suspended any time now :D
I drank piss so it will be extra pissy.
Who wants to do piss boot stands?
OOOO OOOOOO!! ME ME I DO!!! ME!!!
Pawey, is dat da gay fwom Dwouble Dwagon ?
*Chodin shoots cum into his own eye*
My piss smells like Sugar Smacks, but I haven’t eaten any Sugar Smacks.
My piss smells like “divorce”.
Where the hell is Charlie Bronze at? You tell him to bring a piss boot and he pulls up in a car with a trunk full of piss.
My piss smells like yellow snow.
*Pauly takes another wiff of his piss*
Nope, lemonade tacos.
My ex-grilfriend’s piss smelt like “yeast”. It was like a goddamn Wonderbread factory.
My piss smells like coffee… I don’t drink coffee.
My coffee smells liek piss. And I fuckin’ DOWN PISS!
When you’re drunk, misspelling smells like piss.
True story: one time I pissed in one of my best friend’s cereal bowls, the morning after drinking all night. I served it to him with a smile and he ate up every last drop of that shit. After I told him what I had done to his cereal, he told me that he thought the “piss taste” was just an unfamiliar milk percent.
Well….that’s what you get for pissing in my face in Vegas.
What happens in Vegas, ends up in your cereal.
What happens in Vegas gets washed off.
What happens after Vegas gets digested.
What happens in vegas stays in your digestive tract.
What happens in
my assBoy Scouts scars me for fucking life!I thought Wesley Snipes was the last boy scout.
I thought Wesley Snipes was the last boy scout.
Nope Bruce Fucking Willis, Milo the chicken fucker.
What happens in the kitchen at Sizzlers, goes into your faux-crab.
That banner pic looks like Rex is trying to eye my cock at the urinal.
Rex is looking and Rex is liking.
What happens in crazy, epileptic color land stays in Speed Racer.
Someone talk me out of watching the first 7 minutes of this shit.
Pauly, it’s like watching the first 7 minutes of ‘The Terminal’ on acid.
And not in a good way.
it’s like watching dick cheney rape your mom, dont watch it
I would watch Speed Racer if it was more like this shit right here………
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPKJZJITZHw
Bex, you have that video too?
youtube is blocked here at work ese, i cant watch that till i get home
I would watch Speed Racer if Latarian Milton were in it.
If L-train was in Speed Racer that mother fucker wouldn’t win, but he’ll fuck everything up in his path and smoke with cigerrerts.
And ‘P’ to the mother fucking ‘S’ : Pauly, Ghostface kills.
I have that Ironman CD in my deck right now, Chod.
and the jewel in my dick. Ghostface does kill
L-train loves to “do bad things cause it’s fun”. That mother fucker just needs an ’04 Dodge SUV and a friend with cigarettes.
L-Train is gonna get BTKed one day.
I aksed my Grandmama, I says "Grandmama, can we go watch Speed Racer?" and she tol’ me me no, cause if I watch that I’d do hood rat stuff with my friend. So I through rock at bums in front of the liquor sto’
Stupid ass dog aint even know da alfabit.
Hey L-Train, you want some candy?
LaTarian, shouldn’t you be in a ball pit somewhere?
That stupid ass dog got some stupid ass eyes.
Call me L Train. I can have no candy cause my Grandmama say I stay up too late. And that’s when her and my uncle start wrestling real loud in the room.
LaTarian, I only trust you as far as I could roll your little Butterbean turkey-eating ass.
And that ain’t far you lil’ piece of shit.
LaTarian what are you gonna get you grandmama for mothers day?
They won’t let me in the Chucky Cheese to lay with the balls because I pee pee’d in there one time. Then I stole pizza from the other kids.
LaTarian, if we knew who your daddy was, I’d have a talk with him about why he didn’t abort you.
What’s your grandma say about getting in windowless vans with strangers?
My Grandmama say that my Daddy in jail. And he gets out in 2010. And his name is Junebug.
I aksed my Grandmama what she wanted fo mother’s day and she said to behave my little ass and stop eating all the food in the house. So I made that bitch a noodle necklace, but i ate some cause I was hungry
My Grandmama say that if a stranger want to give me candy to say "No" cause he will fuck me. My Grandmama say not to have any stranger in my ass.
How well do I have to get to know you before we aren’t strangers anymore?
L Train, what are you doing this weekend?
hey LaTarian, I bet you know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop, huh you little phat, hood rat?
My Grandamam say that if i never seen him before then he a stranger. Plus you got stupid ass eyes so I aint wanna know you anyway.
My Grandmama still ground me from my video games so I can’t play grand theft auto. But I’ma do hood rat stuff cause it’s fun. my friend got weed and we gonna smoke blunts. And I stole my Grandmama King Cobra from the fridge.
LaTarian, you’re an awful representation of the black culture here in America.
I just chomp that shit up. My Grandmama say that she lick lolli pops all the time so you might could aks her cause I’on know. I like Cheetos cause they leave your fingers full of cheese and all orange.
Nigga, I bust caps. You teh one from Africa, you African booty scratcher.
You better get good at stealing hubcaps while you’re still young.
true story: latarian, i actually sounD like you when im drunk and my black friends sound like you too! is your real name jamal?
LaTarian do you think that Bill cosby is proud of you?
Stupid ass dog, I don’t steal hubcaps. I do hood rat stuff. It fun to do hood rat stuff and doing bad stuff. And i’ll punch your face
You couldn’t reach my face you round little fuck-midget.
Fuck Bill Cosbys old wrinkle pudding ass. My Daddy Junebug say he should have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.
You a stupid dog, I’ll kick you like I kick my Grandmama dog
LaTarian do you feel that america is ready for a hood rat president like Barack Obama?
LaTarian does your gramma smell yo dick when you come home?
Hell naw, fuck his ass. He don’t like doin hood rat stuff. He’s like my Grandmama who took my video games and got me mad. i like that other old white bitch, she aint even get mad when that other lady yanked her husband uh, yank the umm the thing.
No, but she make me wash under my titties.
What do you want to be when you grow up, LaTarian?
I wanna be a hustler or a rapper. I can sell weed to all my friends and they can gimme money so i can buy more video games. And then I’ll have my own house and my Grandmama can’t ground and I can do all teh bad things I want casue it’s fun. And i’ll eat candy and not wash under ny titties.
If I’m a rapper I’ll get mad pussy. And I’ll all kinds of money and i can buy all teh cars and crash them
you written any rhymes yet?
Alright date rapists, I’m out of her. Time to go ROCK DRINKS INTO MY FUCKING FACE.
Exes and hoes,
Chodin
*Chodin tightens belt around neck. Orgasms and passes the fuck out.*
yeah I got a note book. listen
L Train in da house/L Train in your mouth/ I pull my dick out/and make ya bitch go south/My Grandmama ground me/for stealing her car/I just went to the sto to get a candy bar/I do bad things/cause bad things is fun/I can’t wait till i’m older/ I’ll get me a gun/Me friend he smoke/smoke with cigerrerits/I do hood rat stuff/Don’t smell under my tits.
That’s some pretty good shit, I’ll give you some bling if you get in my van.
I got mo flow than my Grandmama period
I just threw up in my mouth
a little.Congrats on your first Durst.
One time, I thought that bryce’s grandmother was having her period, but it turns out she just had lots of ulcers in her uterus.
Jack, you should bring back your Rodney Rotten avatar.
Oooh. Sorry Donk, circle gets the square.
Can I take Kathy Griffin for the cock-block please?
It’s Robbie Rotten, and no.
That wasa freaky ass av
Shit, I’ve only seen that show once. That girl with the pink hair made me think bad thoughts and I changed the channel.
I need scotch.
Barkeep, I’ll have a whisky and soda, neat.
S’up dicktuckers? Looks like I can finally change avs! Hey Pauly, is that the guy from Double Dragon?
Not a lot Erswi, I think I dursted with a pedo joke.
No that isn’t the Double Dragon guy erswi.
<==== This is the guy from Double Dragon
whaaaaaaaaaaaat?
YOU ARE NEXT!
Guess what I saw on Starz two nights ago? . . . .
DOUBLE DRAGON!!!!
Man, that movie sucked donkey ballz. No Donkey, not yours.
Dude, no f’n way a pedo joke dursts up in here whilst I am about.
I caught it on Wam a few weeks ago, I couldn’t stand to watch it for more than 20 minutes. It reall was an awful movie.
Unlike the film that is on right now.
TOMBSTONE, bitches! I’m out!
TOMBSTONE’S on! I’m gone.
Time to get my ass to the pool hall and see if I can’t sink my balls into the right hole. I’m so going to beer-fuck my face.
You’re a daisy if ya do.
I will go to the Melting Pot, put my eyeballs on skewers. Dip them in boiling oil. and I still won’t be in as much as I was watching speed racer.
They should have let the guys who made Lazytown do the Speed Racer film, they would have knocked it out of the park.
I totally posted that before I read the whole thread and saw you guys talking about Robbie Rotten.
Jacktion! your music is pretty good, definitely got that Ben Folds / TMBG vibe going.
Aw shit, "Hell Toupee" just turned into Pachelbel’s Canon. I take it all back, you suck.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdxkVQy7QLM
EL DUUUUUUUURRRRRSSSSTOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HAHAHAHAHA! I’m out of weed :(
Yes, Stinky. I knowingly and shamelessly ripped off Pachelbel.
Although that guy did exaggerate a bit. None of the songs he played at the end were Pahelbel’s Canon. They were all just based off of the the first four chords of the Canon, not the full 8 chords. Those first four chords are pretty much the most popular chords ever, aside from the universal 1-4-5 progression.
BTW, just to clarify, Stinky Peet said:
Jacktion! your music is pretty good, definitely got that Ben Folds / TMBG vibe going.
So all of you Ben Folds/TMBG fans should go to:
myspace.com/mayorsofsuperawesometown
to listen to your new 12th favorite band.
Too bad I didn’t know my credit was wack, now I’m driving off the lot in a used sub-compact…
I feel like i just had a flashback of playing hot wheels racer for N64
i love that commercial.
i suppose the apple doesn’t fall to far from the tree.
’cause now my legs are stickin to the vinyl and my homies’ are gettin laughed at
that’s ‘too far from the tree’ btw.
this scotch is really messin’ with my typing
well what do you know,
saturday…before noon,,,i’m the only one awake.
you motherfuckers make it really hard to catch up when you’re in the drunk tank.
don’t they have bail bondsmen where you live?
Not drunk over here. Started to last night, but woke up and cut the grass this morning. Lemme tell ya, in southern Louisiana in the summer, cutting grass is a fucking heart attack waiting to happen.
*Carmina Burana can be heard, getting louder and louder. Charlie Bronze appears, driving an ice cream van and cackling manically, he’s doing 70 and stopping for no one. Cue Doppler effect as the van zooms by*
Charlie, slow down you dick. I wanted a Choco Taco.
You know, I feel kind of bad about plugging my band site so shamelessly, so I’m going to start plugging my new website instead. This is a list of things that I did last night:
http://thingsididlastnight.com/
ROFLKOTAL!
Jack!, The Mighty Fek’lhr hopes you were current on your shots…
Jack – I thought my mom was in an unusually good mood this morning…
Would it be wrong to send a link to ThingsIDidLastNight.com to all of my brothers and sisters? Or exquisitely right?
My Mom asked me what I did last night, so I sent her that link.
I posted that yesterday. No one cared. It is so lonely being so fucking awesome.
Jacktion, bring back the Rotten. I loved it. Carnally.
Eib, I’m sorry I missed it – but it just doesn’t have the same impact coming from a woman.
Go to the FB - FD Group if you want to weigh-in on the Drunk Con ’08 date. Alternatively, if you want Dub and I to have a romantic drunken weekend alone at the Elvis Wedding Chapel, disregard this notice.
So…did anyone see Speed Racer this weekend?
Yeah, Him neither.
Note my new avatar.
Good morning my little psychos!!!