The strange thing about Kevin Smith is that, though I’d probably pay money just to hear him stand onstage and tell stories, I’m fairly indifferent to most of his movies.  (Except for Chasing Amy, which gives me the overwhelming urge to choke a bitch).  His new movie, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, starring Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks, has a new teaser out (watch it after the jump) and I have to say it looks like more of the same. 

For one thing, the plot sounds a lot like Porno by Irvine Welsh and The Amateurs.  For another, the most interesting part of the porn world (the pornogosphere?) to me is not the amateurs or the auditions, it’s the day-to-day interaction between the grizzled (jizzled?) veterans.  Like when you’re watching a two-on-one scene and one guy pulls out for a pop shot and it starts dripping on the other guy’s balls.  It just seems like that kind of thing would lead to really awkward watercooler conversation the next day.  I see a Ricky Gervais sketch…

If you hate YouTube, you can get the trailer in other formats here.

Today it’s being reported that Elizabeth Berkley will bring her unique acting talents to S. Darko, the sequel to Donnie Darko in which the only returning cast member is Donnie Darko’s younger sister Samantha, who I can’t even remember. I will bet my entire paycheck this goes straight to DVD.

Berkley plays a speed freak-turned-Jesus freak whose sentiments about ridding the world of its exponential sin [as opposed to linear sin, I suppose – Ed.] are rivaled only by her infatuation with her dreamy pastor. [THR]

No word yet on whether she’ll be utilizing the “I’m so excited” style of acting as seen above, or the “flailing retard orgasm” style of acting as seen in this NWS clip (google image search also highly recommended). If you’ve never had a flailing retard orgasm, you’ve pretty much never had sex.  

After the jump I’ve got the red-band trailer for Burn After Reading, the new Coen brothers movie starring Brad Pitt, George Clooney, John Malkovich, Tilda Swinton, JK Simmons, and Frances McDormand.  It opens September 12th, so plan your stay in rehab accordingly.

It appears to be a Lebowski-esque story of lost CIA files with Brad Pitt in the main role, except this time The Dude is a hyperactive personal trainer rather than an aging stoner. 

I’ve got a pretty big nerd boner for this already, but does anyone else wonder about how the workload between the Coen Brothers actually breaks down?  It’s easy just to say “The Coen Brothers” but are we talking perfect equality like Tomax and Xamot here or is it more like Jimmy and Billy Carter, where one brother’s hard at working brewing beer and the other just sits on his ass all day being president.

Thanks to BGavin for the tip 

As expected when Universal’s deal with Hasbro was announced a few months ago, Michael Bay’s production company gearing up for some board-game-based movies.  First up, Ouija Board the Movie.  That’s right, Michael Bay is making a movie called Ouija Board.

Elsewhere, I hear Brett Ratner’s doing pre-production on Grabass the Musical and Mayor McCheese is finding a distribution deal for The Pass Out Game.

Personally, I think the picture and headline at left need no additional explanation.  But for you apple polishers out there:

    Organizers of [Sex and the City's New York premiere] event overbooked the 6,000-seat 6th Ave. music hall, leaving bounced fans fuming, some in their Manolo Blahniks [a type of foot covering popular amongst the wealthy and vacuous -Ed.].
    The mostly female crowd surged against police barricades, cursing and stomping in their stilettoes at the cruel turn of events.
    Security officials said up to 2,000 people who had gotten tickets through promotional giveaways authorized by movie studio New Line Cinema were shut out of the 7:30 p.m. screening.
    "They gave out all these tickets just to make a big scene. It’s not right. It’s not fair. I’m very disappointed," said Heather Dispresso, 20, of Long Island who had waited in line for three hours only to be turned away. [NY Daily News]

Yes, it’s unfair when people make big scenes over nothing, isn’t it, Heather. But look on the bright side, it’s better than having the movie turn you into a huge whore and then converting to mormonism.  Elsewhere:

    "I’ve spent five months looking forward to this. I’m angry and frustrated," said Jen Ferguson, 23, of British Columbia, Canada, who was decked out in a black Heve Leger bandage dress and blue satin Louboutin heels.
    Ferguson’s parents bought four tickets for $1,000 from a luxury concierge service, and booked rooms for the family at the Plaza Hotel.

I read in the Bible that every time a rich stupid yuppie cries, an angel gets its wings.

Is it wrong to assume this is God making amends for a Fred Durst movie, an Adam Sandler Lifetime Achievement Award, and Bret Ratner directing Beverly Hills Cop all in the same day?  I’m gonna go ahead and say yes. 

Oh yeah, I also hear the movie sucks. 

Thanks to Stinky Peet for the tip