The video after the jump is what happens when you combine Kung Fu Panda, Russian, and the “Kung Fu Fighting” song. It’s a music video by the band Mumiy Troll created for Kung Fu Panda.
Some languages just aren’t meant to deliver messages of joy and mirth – like when the new pope talks. No matter what he says, it always comes out sounding like Darth Vader. Similarly, when Russians try to act fun and happy it just seems creepy and unnatural, like a black dude playing waterpolo.
A racist observation by way of a racist analogy. Sometimes I outdo myself.
*Jumps through window*
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I was just asking myself "What would I do if I was in Mother Russia and a kung fu fight breaks out?"
In the Russian version, the Kung Fu Panda has already starved to death.
Yakov Smirnoff thinks Jack Black is a young Mike Myers.
In high school I took two years of German so that I could say sexy shit and fmake fuck to girls.
Needless to say, Fritz’s C+ average in ‘foreign language’ far outweighs his solid D in ‘stabbing poon’.
Kung Fu Panda must be a Juggalo.
In the future, only homos “make fuck” – everyone else fmakes it!
I didn’t know Clint Howard and Tom Petty had a butt baby in Russia.
Putin would make a good Bond villain, if he wasn’t too busy actually being one in real life.
Why does a Panda need to know Kung Fu, I just thought he eats, shoots, and leaves?
If you close your eyes and just listen to that video, it looks like a goddamn nightmare.
Pretty sure those noises live inside the Arc of the Covenant. Sit right next to Chyna’s awesome dick.
In the end of the Russian version, the panda is beaten to death by a bear for being too individualistic.
Is it just me, or is that monkey trying to hump Putin’s head?
It sounds like he’s talking backwards. I smell devil worship.
IT’S HEDLEY!!!
A Kung Fu Panda would get his ass handed to him by a Samurai Silkworm.
Pandas are looked down upon in Russia due to them looking like they are half-breeds, ala Zebras and Mariah Carey.
Nyet, no darrrkies een Muddah Rrrrushah.
In the Russian version, the animals stand in line for two hours for toilet paper.
In the Russian version, the animals all wear blue jeans and whistle Winds of Change.
How in the fuck does a mutha’ fuckin’ snake learn mutha’ fuckin’ kung-fu?
And how the fuck do I get off this mutha’ fuckin’ plane?
If Teddy KGB was played by a Panda, Rounders still would hve blown frog cock.
SPOILER ALERT: The Russian version will never be equal to the AMERICAN version!
Fuck you sausage fingers!
That Panda has a certain "je ne sais queer" about him.
In the Russian version, the panda steals a submarine and defects to America.
If Jake "The Snake" Roberts had played the role of Hulk Hogan, American Gladiators would be that much better.
But have you tried the bread? It better some special bread to stand in line for 3 hours. Like magical bread.
Russia just BARELY got a "Panda Express".
In the Russian version, the panda gets shot down in the super-secret fighter plane he steals.
anyone?
Why are they remaking the great Farley film American Ninja again? And why are they using a Panda?
*Chodin flips to page 32 of his “Jokes About Kung-Fu Panda and Shitty Russia” book*
Here we go: “Fuck this movie in any language.”
In the Russian version, the animals team up with American pilots led by Col. Chappy Sinclair to teach us all a lesson about Glasnost.
Jack Black would totally do Chyna’s click.
SPOILER ALERT: In the Russian version, the Panda gets gunned down by a Siberian Tiger with an AK-47.
In the Swiss version the panda stands aside and lets the other animals fight it out.
JHC, Firefox, duh.
Russian, I must think in Russian!
Yob Tvuyo Mat, Yankee!!!! (Fuck your mother, capitalist empirical swine)
Empirical, because we are factually based and grounded in observations to be both capitalist and swine.
…fuck…
Kung Fu panda, now with EXTRA LEAD!
Is it really necessary for them to have their ankles taped?
<rubs hand together, heeeeerrrrreeeee tumbleweed… daddy needs to make a deposit…>
Crappy, I knew there was a reason you’re the "Les Nessman" of the Donk and J show.
+11 for our roving reporter.
Looks like the Friday NPA started a bit earlier than usual.
new up!
Poon in the hizzy!
Tune in later as Burnsy teaches us all a lesson about Iron Eagle II and about how casting a fat asshole as a U.S. Army Ranger is a stupid fucking idea.
"Een Soviet Russia, Kung Fu Panda watches you."