UPDATE: Someone claiming to be Eli Roth just emailed me the following: "My OFFICIAL response to Uwe Boll was not ‘Greatest Compliment Ever.’ That was the headline of my blog. My official response, which I wrote in my blog, is this: ‘This video is further proof of Sacha Baron Cohen’s genius. Uwe’s my favorite character he’s created yet.’" Well, said, sir, and I’m not just saying that because you emailed me. (kinda)
In Uwe Boll’s video yesterday, he called out directors Michael Bay ("fucking retard") and Eli Roth ("makes the same movie over and over again") as examples of filmmakers he was better than. Despite the fact that most casual moviegoers probably haven’t even heard of Uwe Boll, Bay and Roth both felt the need to respond. Eli Roth called Boll’s comments "the greatest compliment ever". -5 points for responding, -5 for a diss that barely makes sense, but +10 for keeping it short and breezy.
Michael Bay said on his official message board:
I find people who rant like that – calling shit about both me, and George Clooney – comes from someone screaming because he is not being heard. He is obviously a sad being. When you ask ‘do I care?’ Not in the slightest.
-5 points for grammar ("People… comes"? "People… he"!? "Calling shit"?!?!), -5 for comparing yourself to George Clooney, -5 for implying that every complaint stems from lack of fame, -20 for self seriousness (-10 for the self-seriousness itself, and -10 for being self-serious when you’re Michael Bay), and -10 for the hypocrisy of responding to something you claim not to care about. That adds up to… uh, it adds up to Michael Bay being a bigger A-hole than Uwe Boll is what it adds up to, Mr. Smug Mathemagician.
Anyway, in a perfect world, Boll would’ve picked on Brett Ratner, who would’ve burst into tears and drowned his insecurity in another plate of tasty nachos. Nachos that I sold to him for A MILLION DOLLARS. AND THE DAY IS MINE, MUAHAHAHA!
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Do you know what Michael Bay and Eli Roth have in common?
They have both played The Hamburglar in 80′s McDonalds commercials! What kotals!
BONG!!!!!!!!!!!
It doesn’t mean a lot if you didn’t get it hot!
What do Michael Bay and Eli Roth have in common?
Dildos, handcuffs, leather masks, butt plugs, gay porn videos, and lube. Lots of lube.
Wait, sorry. It does mean they have it in common if it’s kept in the bedroom they share, right?
People are alot more tolerable when they don’t talk.
What do Michael Bay and Eli Roth have in common?
Their lists for what to take to a desserted island.
A VCR, case of lube and a bottle of qualudes.
which is weird, cause that’s my list too.
People are alot more tolerable when they don’t talk.
That’s why I prefer kitties!
PeopleBay and Roth are alot more tolerable when they don’ttalkbreathe.fixededed
Lance, Boll is so desperate to promote Postal if you offer to fight him at some Postal promotional event he might actually go for it. Also he seems big into petitions at the minute you could try starting your own.
I already started my own, goddamnit.
*inside Eli Roth’s mind*
Yeah…Evil Dead and Eraserhead…whoa it rhymes! That’s magnificent, just like my fine ass! These posters and my disturbing movies will make me seem elusive and mysterious, and my hot body will make all the guys want me. I bet Uwe would want to fuck me. Four inches is about average for a guy, right?
I’m willing to be the first to sign a petition for Boll to fight Lance. Also, this could be a good way to get the FD brand out there. If we can get a petition going around, some vapid, blonde, entertainment reporter (I’m looking at you Mary Hartman) is sure to mention it and bam! Instant phenomenon.
Eli Roth doesn’t have porn, just a bunch of Evil Ernie comics.
Yeah Lance, but your petition was for Uwe to keep making movies. We’re talking about a Force Uwe Boll to Fight Lance Martini petition. Interweb gold right there.
The Mighty Fek’lhr wants a petition to force Michael Bay and Eli Roth to eat His forshak.
Michael Bay should have just blown Uwe Boll up and say "Awesome rant!"
This is bullshit. We just sit here ripping on Bay and Boll, and for some reason Roth, and nobody mentions cockwrangler Brett Ratner?
True story: Eli Roth had a few ribs surgically removed so he could self-fellate. What a douche!
Burnsy, Ratner’s suffered enough. Have you seen how he’s dressing lately? Poor little homo.
http://filmdrunk.com/post.phtml?pk=1302
Bay got’s that whole "80′s douche" look down.
Everything anyone ever needs to know about Eli Roth can be gleaned from this picture:
http://www.horrormagazine.it/imgbank/NEWS/immagine-3.jpg
Uwe Boll:
"And if you go on May 23 on Postal, you will see zat I deliver a movie straight to your door, with Netflix."
Burnsy, what can we say about Brett Ratner, that hasn’t already been said about tranny oral?
kittens and a baby duck.
I find people who rant like that – calling shit about both me, and George Clooney – comes from someone screaming because he is not being heard. He is obviously a sad being. When you ask ‘do I care?’ Not in the slightest.
That’s a Boll statement.
Uwe Boll looks like a Chernobyl mutant baby that was left for dead but managed to survive by metabolizing stupid.
Dude, Rot, Holy Shit!
I can’t tell…
…is Eli crooked in that picture, or is it the background?
Is that a trick question, Luch?
All jews are crooked.
*thumps chest with fist, kisses two fingers and gives the peace sign*
That one was for you Fek. Stay black.
That picture of Roth was taken when he was doing his world famous party trick of pretending to walk down a flight of steps.
Also Bay looks like the kind of guy your mom brings home after she’s got divorced, he seems cool at first, you’ve never met an old man that looks so hip, but then the beatings start and the sodomizing and it’s just downhill from there.
I was getting at that Pauly, inconspicuosly.
I’m scared to look. is that the picture of Eli Roth with the giant fake weenis?
I went ahead and looked, it’s not Phew. It did remind me of Scary Movie which is almost as bad.
Both of those guys look like they’re about to perform an "illusion".
Did everyone rush off to find the giant prosthesis picture?
I’m still here, i’m not looking for pictures of giant cocks.
i thought it was scary. I saw it before. I refuse to think of Eli Roths penis.
Robo-Yeah, the disappearing butt-plug!
Hearing these three try to say why they don’t suck ass could get interesting, and funny. I know I’d rather defend the reputation of Max Mosley (http://sports.espn.go.com/rpm/racing/f1/news/story?id=3337733) than that of either of these three.
what the fuck is an uvah bowl?
what the fuck is an uvah bowl?
In a perfect world, Boll would’ve picked on Brett Ratner, who probably would’ve burst into tears and drowned his insecurity in another plate of tasty nachos.
And man parts. The guy loves man parts.
The best thing for Uwe Boll’s career is a groundswell of losers who want him to stop working.
I’d like to see a Uwe Boll/Stephen Segal joint.
I couldn’t even look at the words, such was the power of Bay and Roth’s smoldering intense gazes.
They look so cool – but dangerous! Dad will never let me hang with them!
I think Uwe is becoming my new personal hero. He could never make another movie again. It’d be win-win for everyone.
Bing bang boom! B-movies!
Eli Roth looks like that Mormon kid on American Idol.
Boy, do I love American Idol….
I might be completely brainless and out of the loop (well, "probably" is probably a better choice of words), but the only movies I associate Eli Roth with is Cabin Fever (which I really liked) and Hostel (which I’ve seen at least a dozen times). So I’m not entirely sure where that douche Uwe gets off criticizing him.
Plus, I like his response, so now he’s even hotter.
Yeah, I haven’t seen anything but Cabin Fever, but I loved that movie. "He’s a professor… OF BEING A DOG! FACE!"
Well if you liked Cabin Fever, you’ll probably really like Hostel. So long as you’re beyond the age where you’re likely to travel overseas and stay in one. Although, I’m impressionable like that. I’m still afraid to go in the water and it’s been nearly 30 years since I first saw Jaws.
oh i know what you mean Al, I’ve been afriad to stand in front of my dads shrink ray ever since i saw Honey I shrunk the kids about 15 or so years ago
It’s "Pick on Al Day" today, isn’t it? Why do I set myself up like that? At least you didn’t make an "old" crack, so thanks for that :) Chatzy later?
yep around 10:30 AZ time darlin’
YABBADABBADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO im out read you all later
UP-UPDATE:
I was e-mailed Uwe Boll’s response to Eli Roth’s response.
Uwe Boll:
“Yeah well….So’s your face.”
Al, thank god I am not the only only who has Hostel memorized. I thought it meant I was a psycho.
Eli Roth emailed me once. The title of the email "I want to chew your scrotem like beef jerkey".
Duuuuude, Lance…you totally caved. You missed a golden fucking opportunity to rub Eli Roth’s shit in his own face.
Can I have his email addy?
Hostel scared me so much that only yesterday, someone near me spoke in some kind of foreign accent and just to be on the safe side I punched her in the larynx. On reflection, I think she might have been the German teacher. Still….
SCARY GERMAN GUY!
Micheal Bay, George Clooney and Eli Roth walk into a bar…..
Eib, it does mean you’re a psycho. Acknowledging it is the first step to becoming a full-fledged sociopath. Join the Elite, sistah…
Burn? If he had said Mike Myers I would have nominated Eli Roth for COTW.
Lance, that was like origami…
YOU FOLDED!
I think its awesome that people beside us are paying attention to our beloved Lance. What about that, Fek? And, if Kahless emailed you, you would fold.
How did I fold? If it was Michael Bay who’d emailed me, I could see your point…
I think Eli and Bay should be happy there are people out there like Uwe. He sets the low end of the bell curve for the rest of the crap. You look at Uwe’s shit, then see ANYTHING else, and think, "Fuckin’ A! That was pretty good!"
For the record, "Uwe’s shit", his actual poop, is better than most of his movies. It has some unique marbling.
I still don’t see what the problem with Eli is. Any of his movies are a million times better than the recycled Japanese rip-off bullshit we keep seeing every year. I’ll take a hot Asian getting her eye melted out of her face over "Oh my God, it’s a scary little girl in the photo/TV/painting/toilet/erotic boutique" anyday.
I don’t like him becuase everyone here seems to not like him.
I guess I just follow the group at chow-time sir.
Yeah, Roth is okay, not just because he emailed our Lance.
And Uwe’s poop is interesting JHC but the scales and cartilidge take away from the interesting marbling.
"You can call all the shit you want about me, but when you start calling shit about George Clooney? That’s where I draw the line, bud." — Michael "Kangaroo Hack" Bay