Pornstar Courtney Cummz (the first rule of porno: misspellings are sexy) held a seminar this weekend in Tampa in which she taught two dozen aspiring adult filmmakers the ropes of the industry (the ones that don’t come out of Peter North‘s weiner, anyway).

The film shoot is part of "Porn Camp," a weekend-long, $4,000-a-head seminar [more like semen-ar. Boosh.] that’ll cover everything from porn-star pay scales [Tip: try getting your stars to commit while they're really high] to set design to proper Web site design. And at 1 p.m. Saturday, Cummz — the star of such fare as Whack Jobs and Face Invaders — will lead her students on an odyssey of onscreen coitus. They will shoot hard-core scenes, using local actors, and they will own the rights to whatever they film. It could end up on a DVD. It could end up on your hard drive. [TampaBay.com]

Or your hard drive! The writer of the article was apparently heavily influenced by Reefer Madness.  Anyway, $4,000?!  That’s a lot to pay for "Film some people boning.  Try to hold the camera steady."  For that kind of money you could finance your own big-budget epic and still have a grand left over to blow on pinky rings.  I recommend the kind with the tiny compartment you can store your drugs in.

Lots of people comment on FilmDrunk. But it takes a special sort not to say something lame, and an even specialer sort to actually be funny. Each week, I honor those special Drunkards.

Nominate a funny comment for next week’s "Comments of the Week" here (post is hidden, so bookmark it). Need more info?  Here’s a handy primer from ‘The Mighty Fek’lhr’. Don’t care? Fair enough.

Lots of funny this week, but I think I have to go with Slaapy, for his response to Ice Cube Writes Film with Janky in the Title: "I THOUGHT JANKY WAS SPANISH FOR NAPKIN."  The use of all caps makes it at least 20% funnier.

Relatively newbie Miggs makes it look easy with this zinger from the Deception trailer thread: "Oooooo!  A sex club for accountants!  My green visor is getting all fogged up."  I picture him taking a puff from his cigar butt after that one – ha ch-cha-cha-cha.

Donkey Hodey brings down the house with this analogy from the Nazi Zombie thread: "Without going into too long a historical argument with you jim, Finland had a really tough choice between Germany and Russia and didn’t want either country coming in and ruining their shit.  They were like the kid who owned the boombox, but who was the son of the developer trying to destroy the rec center."

Equally succinct and effective, Bubb Rubb from the Weinstein Pwns Fanboys thread: "Skywalker Ranch is what the guy in the middle likes on his curly fries."

A nice call and response from the French Pedophilia Movie thread: The Luchador says, "’Underage Girls Showering’ is now a tag?"  Burnsy responds, "It’s not so much as a tag as it’s what will be written on my tombstone."

RoboPanda nicely articulates what we were all thinking in the Forest Whitaker Defends Wild Things thread: "It must have been hard for the reporter to focus and write all that down what with Forest’s eye yelling "wonk wonk wonk" the whole time like the stain on that one guy’s shirt in the commercial." 

Burnsy makes me throw up in my mouth a little, in a good way, in the Viva Las Gaygas thread: "I’m just glad Demi let Ashton finally take a break from oiling the catcher’s mitt."  A truly tasteless euphemism.  Cheers.  

Rotwangchung zings Rough LeBeouf with this well-articulated gem from the Indiana Jones thread: "I think he’s handing those scissors to the plastic surgeon who is going to give him a second expression."  Though personally, I think he just comes from the Corey Haim/Eli Manning school of slack-jawed mouth breathing.

Bubb Rubb reviews Sexman’s short film, Mr. Lion Getting Pwned: "’I'd rather go naked than pwn a lion,’ – PETA" 

And finally, RoboPanda drops a nice non-sequitir: "I head Kelly Ripa has two vaginas and one is guarded by a minotaur." 

Until next week, Drunk On. 

OPENING TODAY*:

21
I love Kevin Spacey. But I don’t trust a movie that expects me to believe that everyone on the math team at MIT is an attractive Caucasian.

Run, Fatboy, Run
Starring Simon Pegg, written by Simon Pegg and Michael Ian Black. Reviews have been mixed at best, but I’m willing to give Pegg the benefit of the doubt after Hot Fuzz, and for telling the truth. If the movie fails, we can assume it was all David Schwimmer’s fault, just like the holocaust.

Stop-Loss
It’s received strong reviews from Rolling Stone and the LA Times, but somehow I don’t trust MTV Films with important social issues. Now if the soldiers formed a hip hop dance crew to save the rec center…

Superhero Movie
A spoof movie that looks better than Meet the Spartans, which is basically like saying it looks funnier than being told you have penis cancer.

American Zombie
This time, it’s a zombie mockumentary. Probably would’ve earned a B+ in high school video productions class. Hey, you think The Cranberries get royalties for these movies?  Zo-om-bay, zo-om-bay, zo-om-bay, eh, eh, ayay ooooooooh, ayayayyyyyyyy…. 

Flawless
The Demi Moore/Michael Caine diamond heist movie. It’s getting decent reviews. Plus you can ‘ear Demi Moore attempt an English accent – Oh, ‘allo! Shoyne ya boots, guvna? 

Priceless
French film starring Audrey Tatou.  She makes my weiner tingle.  I like how in France, being a baller means riding around on a vespa.  In America it makes you a kooky lesbian. 

Chapter 27
Jared Leto gained 60 pounds to play murderer/lardass Mark David Chapman in Chapter 27 – or as it’s known to its investors, Chapter 11. [that's a burn]. 

Verdict: Movies? Who cares!  Petra the Swan and the Paddleboat are an item again! 

In recent months, Petra had struck up a relationship with a real white swan. However, he abandoned her last weekend — and officials decided to reunite her with the boat, which was returned to its owner only last week.

Oh crap, I guess that wasn’t as uplifting as previously thought. 

*Your mom’s legs! Haha! Jk, LOL.

Question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: it’s time to prognosticate! Will humans land on Mars?  Is purple the new pink? Would this monkey let me squeeze her tits for a banana?  No one knows for sure, and that means we’re free to speculate wildly! Yee haw!

Sean Connery (that’s Sir Sean to you, pleb), who’d previously announced his retirement from acting, recently expressed interest in doing a cameo in the latest Bond movie (presumably meaning Casino Royale Quantum of Solace, which is currently in production).

He says, "I wouldn’t mind coming back as a Bond villain. But I don’t think they would pay me enough. "They don’t pay the money for other parts, only for the Bond character, although that wasn’t the case when I was doing it." [Source]

Connery added, "They alsho tell me you can’t schlap a women theege daysch.  I watched Jamesh Bond on the DVD, and he shavesh hisch bloody chesht.    The man’sh shupposhed to be an international playboy, not a bloody shyncronisched schwimmer.  I tell you, the whole world’sh gone faerie."  

"Thank you for your time," said the interviewer, whom Connery promptly slapped for attempting to have the lasht waird.  He’s tough but fair. 

[Thanks to nubile research assistant RoboPanda for the tip] 

Friday Free for All is a regular feature on FilmDrunk in which I post random videos from around the world, and from movies new and old – united solely by their awesomeness. Send your tips to lance@filmdrunk.com, and no, I’m not going to post your boyfriend’s hilarious 12-minute parody of The Bourne Identity.

I once thought High School Musical had homosexual undertones.  Today’s clip blows [pun intended] it out the water.  It comes courtesy of a tip from Robby, who notes:

10 things to watch for in this video:
1. The show’s name is The Naked Brothers Band
2. The song is called "Banana Smoothie", slang for semen
3. Creepy pedophile cameraman
4. Phallic banana microphone
5. Lyrics: "Drink up/taste and swallow it. Get up/get on top of it…"
6. Kid on a fucking leash!
7. Boys with coconut bras flexing stomachs
8. Bukkake style milkshake fight
9. White substance flowing down staircase into kitchen
10. Giant banana fight

I heard Gary Glitter is planning a cover, to be recorded upon his release from Vietnamese prison.