It took every ounce of my better judgment not to use one of these pictures for this story, and I’m actually glad I didn’t, because it’s pretty much a mega huge bummer:
Patrick Swayze is dying from cancer and has just five weeks to live, according to The National Enquirer. The magazine says the star of Dirty Dancing and Ghost [Editor's Note: and Roadhouse, you motherfuckers] was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January and that it has spread to other organs. [Source]
I’m not good with saying nice things about people, nor am I sure about the etiquette of doing a tribute to a guy who’s still alive. But I do know that in the present context, the following video nearly moved me to tears:
I defy anyone to watch that without at least tearing up a little. Please let this story be just The National Enquirer making shit up again. I’m not ready to lose Dalton.
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Yeah, pretty sad. Pancreatic cancer takes people fast. Like Bill Hicks. Damn you, pancreas!!!!! Damn you cancer!!!!
The song woulda gone better with the seen when Dalton tears that pussy’s throat out.
Ghost part 2?
Well, I guess I used to fuck guys like you in Heaven then.
*scene
That clip almost made me pee with glee. A glee pee.
And kids, don’t let your pancreas smoke just cause it looks so cool.
"No one puts cancer in the corner"
Begins DDing with cells run amok. Women in the audience swoon. I change the channel to watch a political debate. Damn, that Obama’s a good speaker.
he’s so articulate
Doctor: Prepare to die.
Swayze: You’re such an asshole.
Too Soon Foo, Thanks For Nothing Pancreatic Cancer
Feklahr: Only pussy defeatist communist liberals die from cancer, what a wuss! One time cancer tried to kill me, I ripped it out of my gonads and threw it in a volcano, and when the volcano erupted I pissed blood on it’s ashes.
You calling Bill Hicks a pussy? I will fight you Fek.
First Cody. the band singer at the Double Deuce, dies. Now Dalton?
Pauly: and yet the fat fuck who played the fat fuck bouncer is still alive…is there no justice??
Sniff… sniff… WOLVERINES!!!
Pauly: I know, where was the love for Jeff Healy yesterday? Almost makes you wonder if he didn’t call in a favor when he got to the Gates.
I didn’t stutter, Eib!
I wonder if John Leguizomo and Wesley Snipes will dress in drag for the funeral?
You’re all going to hell.
*Filmdrunk sits in silence at the dinner table*
…can someone please pass the corn?
My post from over there:
This is just God’s way of punishing him for Too Wong Fu. He get’s ass cancer, Snipes gets ass reamed by the IRS and Leguizamo or whatever gets ass fucked by anyone with $10 and a few minutes to kill.
Should’ve been you, Terry Funk. SHOULD’VE BEEN YOU!!!
Well, one can only hope he’ll find peace. Shortly after, though, may he recreate his finest scene alongside Chris Farley as Chippendale’s dancers. God Speed.
You’re all going to hell
Either that or there’s always barber college.
Okay, to be fair, I’m just pissed that you all made me laugh when (theoretically) it’s supposed to be the other way around.
*freshly baked frownies* :-( :-( :-( :-(
Paraphrasing my post from over there:
Sam Elliott and Ben Gazzara better
schedule colonoscopieswatch their asses.It’s not so much that I don’t trust The National Enquirer…it’s just that I don’t fucking trust The National Enquirer.
my uncle Clem LaCava, may he rest in piece, was an extra in roadhouse, he was the beer delivery man, this is sad news, much sadder than fucking heath ledger overdosing
If it would save Swayze’s life…I’d go see ‘College Roadtrip’.
…in blackface.
chippendale dancers is a classic
“Patrick Swayze is dying from cancer…”
Wait, he’s dying from crabs?
chod i’d join you man if that’s what it took
Like Stoney, I have held him in high esteem ever since I first saw the Farley Chippendale sketch. It’s really what separates the assholes from the good folks – being able to make fun of yourself and laugh the hardest. Patrick is a cool guy.
How is it that YouTube doesn’t have the damn Chippendale’s video? I would like to edit it and add the Bodyguard Soundtrack song that makes my bitches weep.
Why couldn’t pancreatic cancer kill Steve Jobs instead?
If this isn’t true, BTW, I’m gonna fucking kill somebody for making me sad.
-Luch
Hell, I’d jump up on the bumper and piss in the radiator if it’s help the guy out…
To save Swayze’s life, I’d get stabbed at a screening for ‘The Signal’.
Burnsy: try this: [www.evtv1.com]
Ya know, in all truthfulness, this is kinda sad, but nobody in Hollywood is gonna feel bad for me when I die from being taint-stabbed to death by a crackhead tranny that I jipped out of $20 for a beej.
So in short, oh well.
And my sister will get her $20, JHC!!!
Awesome, thanks Peet.
Ponyboy and Sodapop are probably devistated. Poor Darry.
If Magic Johnson can literally live off of his HIV, Swayze’s going to fuck this cancer in the face.
I hear told that the Gates clan throws one hell of a wake…..
Do you think that the Make A Wish Foundation will honor Swayze’s final dream?
To ride a clydesdale.
my uncle Clem LaCava, may he rest in piece, was an extra in roadhouse, he was the beer delivery man, this is sad news, much sadder than fucking heath ledger overdosing
Full disclosure: Road House was partially filmed in the town where I went to high school
I wonder if John Leguizomo and Wesley Snipes will dress in drag for the funeral?
Wes won’t but John will be.
I hope this isn’t true. I was hoping he’d come back for Roadhouse 3 in the Sam Elliot role. Thus completing the circle of life…
Come on yallcanblowme, you can do it…
Lance, did you even try to find corroboration to an article in the National Enquirer? I think I’ll wait to feel bad until I hear this news from a more credible source than NE and Filmdrunk. I can’t say I’ll miss Swayze’s movies all that much, although he’s a very talented dude, but I wouldn’t wish cancer on my worst enemy. It’s such a totally shitty way to die.
they can make roadhouse 3 in 2 weeks right?
I’d wish cancer on my worst enemy…you fucking hear me “dude who works at Quizno’s” ?!?
swayze needs to go out brodi style surfing in dangerous waters
Roadhouse was filmed in Reedley? I did not know that. Until I googled it, just to make sure it’s not one of your wild claims. WTF? There’s nothing in downtown Reedley. One of the blandest towns in a big valley of boring towns.
Could you imagine being buried in a turtleneck? You’d look like such a loser for the rest of your…death, I guess.
Patty broke his legs in a horse accident, found Jeebus while high on pain killers, then made Black Dog. Jeebus is a shit agent.
COCKSUCKERS!!!
I live in shit splat by the festering asshole of the great valley. Fuck Reedley, PURO ALPAUGH!!
Lance, did you even try to find corroboration to an article in the National Enquirer?
What the fuck do I look like, a journalist?
*removes clear visor and tries to hide notebook*
I said, what the fuck do I look like, a journalist?
Yeah, if I was only give 5 weeks I’d make my peace with all my friends and family and have a big party. Then for the remainder of my time be drunk and high as I drove around dangerously on a powerful motorbike from one extreme activity to another. Big wave surfing, base jumping, and being a masked night-time vigilante crime fighter!
If this news turns out to actually be true- this is going to be huge, like BIGGER than Lance’s thumb, huge.
Sounds like you look like a bookie there Lance…please speak into my lapel.
Lookie heah, see? The game’s called Tennessee Stud, dueces and green ladies wild with some action on the side. Now ante up – and be quick about it, see?
If I was given 5 weeks to live, I’d do my damnedest to contract HIV before I go.
Unless I was dying of AIDS. Then I’d try to get cancer before I went.
All joking aside for a minute, I know how hard cancer can be not only on the patient, but the family as well. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer just a few days before I "met" my wife for the first time (in quotations because we met online). That was almost 9 years ago.
Just a week ago my mil emailed us and said the doctor told her she didn’t need any more chemo treatments. She had to fucking fight the thing for the whole time I have known my wife. She can barely remember a time before having cancer, and she is looking forward to finally going back to her job at the library full time.
I guess I am fortunate to know so many cancer survivors. The thing that sucks about cancer is that it doesn’t just come up and kill you and it’s over, it slowly kills you.
If Mr. Swayze has to go, I hope that his passing is gentle. I have seen a tremendous amount of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain surrounding cancer, and nobody deserves it.
Or maybe I’d just jerk off to Skinemax movies. It’s hard to say.
That was unexpected. Nicely said Fek.
Fek, that’s just it though: EVERYONE knows someone with cancer, therefore we’re all allowed to make fun of it.
Well, Fek, I about 5 years ago my grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He died 4 weeks later. He went from healthy to wearing diapers in a month. It is awful. But sometimes, we make jokes because we dont want to cry.
Gallows humor is a valid outlet. you should have heard the dead Mom jokes I made when my Mom died. Everyone else was horrified.
Guys…do I feel a suck-fest coming on?
If this is a lie, it’s the cruelest lie ever perpetrated on mankind
Your mom makes jokes!
*see what I did there?*
Cho, if you are trying to trick me into a free blow job again, it wont work this time!
Oh, you guys mean the disease and not the star sign. I was wondering what all the fuss was about.
Just so nothing I said was misinterpreted, I by no means condemn cancer jokers. You guys need to read more carefully!
All joking aside for a minute
Minute is up.
SMB-Thanks, I have my moments.
But Eib…the doctor said it’s the only way I’ll pull thorugh?
Fek, I know what it’s like. One of the first non-superficial conversations I ever had with my fiancee was about her dad, who had just been diagnosed with colon cancer. It was early in our freshman year of college, and she didn’t really have anyone she could talk to about something like that. Doctors gave him 2 years, tops… but now its 4 and a half years later and he’s still in somewhat respectable health. I can laugh at cancer jokes as much as the next guy, but I’m sure everyone in here does know how bad it really sucks.
Wait…FilmDrunk IS NOT a credible source????? well, what the fuck did I join for??? This sucks…I was basing my whole masters thesis on the news I gleaned from this site, now what the fuck am I supposed to do???
Fek, I only ment to add to your story. I knew you werent condemning.
Cho, do you have a note from the doctor?
You know what rhymes with “cancer” (sort of) ??? PANTHER!!!! And being killed by a fucking Panther would suck a dick!
Not to distract from our "Precious Moment" here, but Turden has a bunch of fat chicks in bra and panties up! QAPLAH!
*Grethor hits warp Bazillion to the other place*
Eib: Yeah, I’ve got a note…but um…it’s right over there!
*Chodin flexes his bicep and points towards the beach.*
Y’alls checkin out the fatties. Prop-uh!
*swoon* Ok, good enough…
Wow! When those chicks say, eat pussy! I bet they actually mean eat, pussy! Yay grammatical humor!
I suck…
Boo grammatical humor!
Mostly because i don’t get it. :(
Since we’re all having a moment of seriousness, I just thought I’d add that I feel really bad that I keep farting in my office daily. I know keeping my window open doesn’t mask it, but I’m not about to change my diet.
Me neither
Holy Mother of Christ! I just got back from over there, and I haven’t seen that many rolls since this morning when I stopped at the bakery for a donut. The one with strechmarks that are accentuated by the dangling belly chasm jewelry is really a looker. urp urp
You know, when Snap sang "I’m serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer" I don’t think they were really all that serious.
By all means, let’s keep the depressing thread up for a long period of time. Let’s see if we can get this baby to 5 pages before we kill ourselves!
I enjoy all comments that start with "You know, when Snap sang".
Depressing fact: McG does not have cancer eating him from the asshole out.
What’s the use Jack!? We’ll never be more depressed than we were on page one… we might as well just give up hope now.
Grrrrrrrr razor blades and emo bands!
Will Ferrell just purchased the rights to the Patrick Swayze story. It will take place in the 1970s and chronicle his days as a professional kickball player.
Holy Mother of Christ! I just got back from over there, and I haven’t seen that many rolls since this morning when I stopped at the bakery for a donut.
Which one’s Katie? It’s like playing Where’s Waldo in an empty, snow covered field.
See Fek. When I said universal hatred is limited to the French, the morbidly obese and midgets you got all stroppy. Now you’re all fat chicks something something. I didn’t actually read your whole comment. What?
You know, things could be worse for Swayze: he could have NOT fucked all those hot chicks in his life.
That fake orange tan crap looks a lot like candy coating…did anyone see Katie again after this event. Those bigger girls look hungy.
I cut myself with a razor today.
I don’t know if that make me emo, or a bad shaver.
Chodin, I’m willing to bet he snagged a piece of Rinna in her prime. And by prime, of course, I mean when Swayze was a drunk.
I reely awt too profreed.
Jacktion! is that one of Michael Madsens poems?
Fuckaduck! This depression fun fest is still up over here? I’m going back over yon to make fun of Katie’s gigantic hatchet wound.
I’m bored of this story. Is there anyone else who is rumoured to be dying that I can make fun of? Or recently dead? Or with a slight head cold? I’m not picky.
Chodin, I’m willing to bet he snagged a piece of Rinna in her prime.
Absolutely true. They went to see a movie together. He even paid surcharge the theater required for the obstuction caused by her lips. This dude was a true gentleman.
I heard that Britney was seen sneezing AGB. And Lohan has a runny nose, but I dont think thats a cold
I heard Ryan Reynolds has Hepatitis. No wait, not heard. I wish Ryan Reynolds had Hepatitis. Damnit.
Burnsy: I’d fuck Rinna in her prime…
….rib.
::dub starts two stepping into this bitch then busts out his harlem shake::
what’s up motherfuckers? where all my niggas be?
who wants to bet on the day he dirty dances out this bitch?
Richard Kuklinski died 2 years ago today…
[en.wikipedia.org]
Britney was seen sneezing AGB.
I deconstructed that sentence in my head as "Britney was seen sneezing anti-gravitational breasts" which is both, a funny mental image, and would probably be good for her "career" if she found away to attach them to her drug-bloated torso.
It’s really too bad that women don’t have prostates. Otherwise the chances of McG dying from cancer would be that much greater.
Yesterday my brother came out of his room and said "Kuklinski is the coolest guy ever." and then he went back into his room. I try not to understand what he says, but now I know what he’s talking about, which is a real shame.
I hate punctuation ya nazi
That sentence doesn’t sound like it’s written correctly. Perhaps my grammar has be Swayzed.
Too soon?
I’m not a nazi. I’m a nazi enthusiast.
Obviously it’s not too soon. has been Swayzed.
fuck
AGB:
Maybe he meant Rich’s brother Joseph.
*looks him up on wikipedia*
Maybe (hopefully) not…
No, on the weekend at 2AM he threatened to shoot me with his paintball gun. So I made tea really loudly at 7AM to wake him up. That’ll show him (that I have no real comeback to his threats of violence).
AGB: how exactly does one “make tea loud” ?
AGB: how exactly does one "make tea loud" ?
"I’M MAKING TEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO!!!!!!!! I LOVE TEA, AND I’M MAKING IT – RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!"
AGB: Just for the record, I like fat chicks. For real. I chase fatties. I <3 plumpers. I was genuinely excited by that post with fat chicks.
Pick up the kettle, but accidently drop it on the stove. Carry it (stomping) to the sink which you run at full blast. Again accidentally drop the kettle into the sink. Swear loudly. Stomp it back to the stove where you place it loudly onto the element. Leave the whistle on. Cough a lot during the whole process (especially if you actually are sick). Walk by his door loudly and let the whistle go for about a minute before going to pour the water.
I’m actually making tea right now, but very, very quietly because my Mum is on a business call. (She isn’t a phone sex operator, in case anyone wanted to make jokes about that)
Is she a phone sex op…oh…never mind…
I wonder if a guy with a Folding Table and a Butcher’s Knife would be of any use here?
man… and i was bummed watching that episode of MASH he was in where he was dying of leukemia.
true story: i had a dream with swayze in it last night.
hey lance, pass me some of those frownies :(
When pancreatic cancer tries to kill you from the inside out, you escort it from your body. But you will do it nicely.
It’s a good thing he carries his medical records around with him. Saves time.
And we all know he needs to save every second he can.
Mhppphh-oo-rmmmphh…last year someone I know was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer as well and not given much time to live…took his wife and daughter on vacation after vacation, going out with a bang. Then he kept living–turns out there are wacky types of pancreatic cancer that will just sit there and not spread.
So hopefully Roadhouse has that type–and finds out before he pisses away what money he’s got. I mean, he’s got to have some money left somewhere.
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