Director Renny Harlin, a man responsible for some of the most awesomely shitty movies in history (including Driven, as seen above, Deep Blue Sea, Cutthroat Island, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Cliffhanger, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane – yup, the Andrew Dice Clay movie, and Die Hard 2, by far the worst Die Hard), is right where he should be – directing a movie with the WWE’s John Cena.
"Story centers on a New Orleans police detective (Cena) whose girlfriend is kidnapped." Hmm, that reminds me of something…
It’s Cena’s second outing toplining a feature, following 2006′s "The Marine," which is WWE Films’ most successful release so far, earning $22 million worldwide. [Variety]
Oh yeah. Hey, what was the plot of that again? "Thieves on the run kidnap the wife of a recently discharged marine." Nice. But really this post was just an excuse to show you some of Renny Harlin’s greatest hits. Check them out after the jump – it’s a must see.
Samuel Jackson gives a rousing speech in Deep Blue Sea
Cliffhanger – some of the best Stallone grimaces in history.
Die Hard 2 (Die Harder) – The TV Edit
The Adventures of Ford Fairlane – I can’t imagine why Andrew Dice Clay doesn’t get more work. He’s so convincing.
Cutthroat Island – Just watch the first 40 seconds or so of this. Hey, is that a Masterson brother?
The Marine – not Renny Harlin, still awesomely shitty.
More Die Hard 2 – four minutes and thirty seconds of pure action this time. When I go out, I hope I go out in slow motion like these guys.
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Cena’s next movie will feature him as an ex-private eye that is a clown on weekends for children’s party.
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND GETS KIDNAPPED!
you forgot nightmare on elm street 4
Live Free or Die Hard was way shittier than Die Hard 2.
Cena and Paris Hilton will be in "The Hottie and the Nottie 2".
AND HIS GIRLFRIENDS GETS KIDNAPPED!
The Mighty Fek’lhr doubts Lanky Mangina will post CotW in a timely fashion next Monday.
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND GETS KIDNAPPED!
Live Free or Die Hard was way shittier than Die Hard 2.
False. The jet vs. car scene was the only part with shittiness even remotely comparable to that of Die Hard 2.
In the first Die Hard movie, Bruce Willis takes out a bunch of German douchebags.
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND GETS KIDNAPPED!
How is this guy making multi-million dollar features instead of Mazda commercials?
But then, he had to fuck Jeff Goldblum’s sloppy seconds for five years, so maybe there is such a thing as karmic retribution.
Renny Harlin will direct John Cena and Andrew Dice Clay in a buddy cop comedy period piece set in penal colony Australia. Val Kilmer will play the voice of their kangaroo-drawn carriage. WHAT A JUMPY RIDE! Lisa Rinna will play the evil warden, Thomas Dingler, and Bai Ling will play Cena’s love interest who also happen to be Dice’s sister. TENSION!!!
But it needs something else. One little plot twist to make it work…
Renny Harlin will direct John Cena and Andrew Dice Clay in a buddy cop comedy period piece set in penal colony Australia. Val Kilmer will play the voice of their kangaroo-drawn carriage. WHAT A JUMPY RIDE! Lisa Rinna will play the evil warden, Thomas Dingler, and Bai Ling will play Cena’s love interest who also happen to be Dice’s sister. TENSION!!!
But it needs something else. One little plot twist to make it work…
Son of a… it gave me an error message, I swear. Back to the double comment shame Durst corner for me.
Bai Ling will play Cena’s love interest who also happen to be Dice’s sister. TENSION!!!
But it needs something else. One little plot twist to make it work…
Hmm…The Mighty Fek’lhr feels that
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND GETS KIDNAPPED!
"Story centers on a New Orleans police detective (Cena) whose girlfriend is kidnapped."
Somebody. please. shoot. me. now. Stop.
Don’t worry, erswi, they are going to get that Gambit-voice guy from the XMen cartoon to do voice-overs for Cena.
By God, Fek… that works. Damnit, that works!
Chuckles the Clown once got arrested for kidnapping John Cena’s movie girlfriend.
False. The jet vs. car scene was the only part with shittiness even remotely comparable to that of Die Hard 2.
I would have to watch Die Hard 2 again, but I couldn’t stay awake through Live Free or Die Hard. I thought every part of that movie sucked out loud.
*coffin kicks open, chodin crawls out*
what’d i miss (quickly reads post)…oh fuck that!
I distinctly remember Entertainment Tonight doing a big story on how Cutthroat Island was gonna be the biggest thing ever. I also remember beating off with reckless abandon to Mary Hart. You had to do it fast though. Nothing wrecks a boner faster than John Tesh. Except maybe Bai Ling’s mugshot.
*coffin kicks open, chodin crawls out*
what’d i miss (quickly reads post)…oh fuck that!
Jesus – they couldn’t even make it his wife? How invested in a girlfriend can this guy be?
"Bradley – have a seat. We’ve received word there’s been a kidnapping."
"Ok, why the long faces, guys?"
"It’s Nicolette. They took Nicolette, Bradley."
"I see. Are there any leads? A note? Demands?"
"Nothing yet, Bradley. We’re sorry."
"I see. What else is going on?"
"With the case?"
"No – in general. What’s happening? Did you see Lost last night?"
"Bradley – your girlfriend has been kidnapped! You’re not upset?"
"Well, we’ve only been dating a few weeks now, and she was starting to get clingy. I wouldn’t really call her my "girlfriend"."
What “Deep Blue Sea” lacked in substance, it more than made up for in it’s OST!!!
“Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a SHARK’S FIN!!!!!”
-L.L. Fuck Your Madre’ Cool Jay
Hey, what was the plot of that again? "Thieves on the run kidnap the wife of a recently discharged marine."
Doesn’t sound too tough for those thieves. I usually want to go to sleep after I’ve been discharged.
Where in the fuck is my girlfriend? I just left that bitch right here, like 5 minutes ago.
i need to get some dudes to kidnap my girlfriend before every major holiday – then i could finally save up enough to buy “rock band” for my 360.
New up finger sniffers….
FYI – Nominous sends his regards from the deep nether regions of the internet-free zone (Topeka).
On his behalf, select any of my comedic gems and pretend he said them. However, nominate him and face the wrath of an angry god.
The Long Kiss Goodnight is good fun.
Dude! Cutthroat Island was a masterpiece!
Thats the one where Jenna Jameson and Carmen Luvanna are horny pirates right?