Dunna nunna nunna nunna nunna FAT MAN!

Randy Quaid was banned from the Actor’s Equity union for life and fined $81,572 for basically keeping it too real on the set of Lone Star Love the Musical.

* Quaid hit an actor on the back of the head four times during performances. When the stage manager told him to stop, he smacked the actor again.
* Another actor was warned that if he made direct eye contact with Quaid onstage, he’d be fired.
* Quaid made "sexually inappropriate" comments onstage, repeatedly referring to an actress’ musical instruments as her "gynecological instruments." [I bet they'd have complained when I offered customers a "sanitary napkin" back at the deli too - jeez, it's just an adjective. -Ed.]
* The couple [Quaid and his wife, presumably - Ed.] tried to rewrite the script, to eliminate characters. Randy "felt free" to change blocking, lyrics and lines during performances, and repeatedly failed to show up for note sessions and rehearsals

But wait, theres more!

Quaid says the actors are part of a “pinko-commie organization” trying to destroy him. And it gets even better: Sources tell TMZ that Quaid’s wife Evi turned up at the Equity hearing for Quaid and “berated several Equity staff members, including a 76-year-old receptionist whom she allegedly kicked in the shins, drawing blood.” Evi says Equity staffers broke her finger while trying to bar her from the meeting; others say she was a screaming lunatic raving about a “Nazi plot” against her husband. [Gothamist]

Sources call the scandal, "The only interesting thing to happen to musical theater ever." 

Why do we still have the theater?  Don’t they know you can go film shit on location and do special effects and stuff and then play it back without the actors having to be there?  Theater nowadays is pretty much like when rich people go camping.  "Ooh, let’s drive out to the woods and pretend we’re poor!"  Good idea, dad, you fucking yuppie.   

[Thanks to RoboPanda, the most pleasant smelling FilmDrunkard, for the tip.]