Blonde Ambition, starring Jessica Simpson and Luke Wilson, topped the Ukrainian box-office this weekend. If you don’t remember Blonde Ambition, it’s probably because it was only released in 8 theaters in Texas, where it grossed an average of $48 per screen.
"The former Soviet nations have a sweet tooth for straight-up comedies. When these comedies have big name celebrities like Jessica Simpson’s [sic], that’s all that’s needed to sell the movie. Russian and Ukrainian audiences have an even bigger urge for escapism than Americans." -Box Office Mojo editor-in-chief Conor Bresnan
It’s also important to note that most of the audience thought Blonde Ambition was about Madonna, whose first single was just released in Ukraine. The "Material Girl" commands a lurid fascination for Ukranians, many of whom grew up listening to Ukraine pop sensation Natasha, "The Barrel-Chested Plow Machine".
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*incoming transmisison*
And you Capitalist baktags wonder why the vodka drinking pinkos want to nuke your asses?
*end transmission*
In Ukraine, Jessica Simpson conquers YOU!
I used to date Natasha, "The Barrel-Chested Plow Machine".
To say it didn’t end well would be an understatement.
I used to date Natasha, "The Barrel-Chested Plow Machine".
Was she that girl that used to let you guys wrestle in her yard?
For some reason it just doesn’t surprise me that a country with only two colors on their flag would fall in love with this movie.
Ukrainian Dictator: “I’ve fucking got it…we will stack light blue on top of yellow.”
*Of course he speaks in English*
Canada only has two colors in its…..oh I see what you mean.
True story: The Ukranians loved Van Helsing.
I’ll see you guys in a little bit. I have to go reshovel.
P.S. Why does chodin know soo much about the Ukranian flag?
reshovel
AKA: Shovel again.
In other news, my penis is huge in Japan. No so much in Africa.
So Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are Ukrainian? Still doesn’t make their crimes right.
My ex-girlfriend was 3/4 Ukrainian…oh, dick-shit, did I say Ukrainian, I meant to say 3/4 GIANT WHORE.
reshovel
AKA: Shovel again.
I hear they have 75 different words for "shovel" in Buffalo.
And when the clock magnet microwave scrapes the pudding off the pencil, then we’ll see who really washes the albino!
Believe you me!
My penis is huge too, as long as either a 5 year old child or a midget is holding it. Or maybe a 5 year old midget…
I hear they have 75 different words for "shovel" in Buffalo.
Yea, yet they all end with some form of the term "cardiac arrest".
My penis is huge too, as long as either a 5 year old child or a midget is holding it. Or maybe a 5 year old midget…
But thats like 35 in midget years.
Via Wikipedia:
“Jews play a very important role in Ukrainian diets, especially in the 19th and first half of the 20th century.”
Okay, I may have substituted “culture” with “diet”…but come on, it’s probably true.
Savages.
In Soviet Ukraine, the comedies laughed at you.
And here in California we have 75 different terms for; Sunny and clear skies, again? Most of thoes end with skipping around in the sunshine and smoking pot.
“Russian and Ukrainian audiences have an even bigger urge for escapism than Americans”
Does “escapism” mean “cumming” ?
That’s what my wiggly tailed wonders call it chod. Every time I take a shower or get to run over day old road kill its like the Great Escape in my magic underwear.
Blonde Ambition, starring Jessica Simpson and Luke Wilson, topped the Ukrainian box-office this weekend.
And this just goes to prove my point, Germans love David Hasselhoff.
If I dropped a gigantic forshak on a cookie sheet and told a Ukrainian it was comedy I could make some morey?
eel
You’d make so much morey, you’d go on Maury and say "Give me morey!"
Good story.
This brings us one step closer to my all Jessica cream corn wrestling match.
Now to get rid of those twins…
I’ll buy that for a hryvnia.
Morey Schaffer is gay with that crank wad asshole Andy Rooney. But Andy has wicked piles which is why he’s so irritated by everything.
Ukranian women live to be like 300 years old. They’re so terrorized by the babushka mafia that anything on two legs with big tits that’s less than 50 years old is automatically a ’10′.
what the fuck is wrong with Luke Wilson?! I understand Willie Nelson…he’s high ALL of the time and Andy Dick…is just retarded (and not in a good way) and everyone else in this film should be B listers now. But Luke still has potential. He’s a much better actor than Owen. DAMMIT LUKE, STOP TAKING SHITTY ROLES! DON’T BE CASPER VAN DIEN!!
Or at least make a more determined suicide attempt than your average 14 year old girl, Luke.
RUN TO DAGOBAH LUKE (WILSON)!
If that plow guy comes back and covers my driveway up again, I swear to God I’ll punch him in the mouth so hard that he’ll have Lisa Rinna lips for weeks.
In Soviet Ukraine, the snow plows you.
The last time I saw Lisa Rinna, she was suck starting Royal Caribbean’s "Destiny of the Seas".
What I’m trying to say is that she’s got big lips.
Chalk Ukraine…
Raised your neighborhood insurance rates.
Have you seen Luke lately? He’s like Val Kilmer fat. And not in a good way!
That’s because he realized that he already threw his career away by working with Jessica Simpson, so there’s no reason to try to keep his Hollywood good looks anymore.
I liked his random cameo in 3:10 to Yuma though
I read that this movie almost topped Schindler’s List as the Ukraine’s favorite comedy.
I wouldn’t mind "conquering" Jessica Simpson, as long as she doesn’t talk…or look at me…