DAILY ROUNDUP
02.28.08
Daily Roundup is FilmDrunk’s semi-daily link dump of stories not important enough to warrant their own posts. Expect snideness and nose thumbing.
‘Medicine for Melancholy’ Trailer - (Playing at SXSW) Do black people really talk about being black this much? Looks exhausting.
‘Last Starfighter’ Gets a Sequel – In the original, a gamer gets recruited by aliens to use his skills to defend the galaxy. In the sequel, I unhook my roommates X-Box and burn him for fuel because he’s a fucking waste of space. I smell feel good movie of the year! Oops, no, that’s burning flesh.
Fox Options ‘Diary of a Wimpy Kid’ – Meanwhile I followed George Lucas into the bathroom after a big clam dinner at the Wharf, where I filmed Diarrhea of a Hollywood Icon. I’m trying to find a distributor but the buzz around town is that it lacks substance.
‘Men at the Pru’ - Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant Are Writing a Movie. Who smells awkward situations?
Talk of a ‘Rome’ Movie – Nudity, debauchery, and graphic swordplay made for one of my favorite shows ever. And Bruckheimer wasn’t involved so you didn’t have to worry about ghosts, curses, treasure, or talking animals.
Harley Quinn in ‘The Dark Knight’ – Is Mandy from Hollyoaks playing Harley Quinn?! I’m gonna say no, but only because I don’t know who the hell that chick is. Looks friendly though (that’s her on the left). Too bad every time I see a picture of a British chick I don’t recognize, I imagine her talking dirty to me in a horrible old cockney voice, “Oi, bugga me norks, guv’na.”
Whoopi Accepts Apology – Oscars producer Gil Cates apologizes for not including Whoopi in a hosts montage and Whoopi accepts. World breathes a collective yawn.
‘Pride and Glory Bumped’ – The Colin Farrell/Edward Norton We Own the Night clone gets bumped from it’s March 14th release date until… ? Director says he’ll withhold completion of his script for Warriors until it’s released. What’s Warriors? “He describes [it] as "Gladiator" set within a family of mixed martial arts fighters.” Hmm, maybe try holding your breath next time.
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Is that the Orbit gum girl?
Diarrhea of a Hollywood Icon.
It’s nice to see that someone has taken interest in my story.
The Other Last Starfighter?
Diarrhea of a Hollywood Icon
Pretty sure the buzz around it are flies. Flies of DOOM
The Laster Star Fighter
Hey Jacktion what’s up. *Awkward alone silence.
The Last Starfighter: No, This Time We Mean It!
Hi Michelle. What’s it like being two inches shorter than me?
Did you just throw a little jab at Gervais and Merchant?
Thats it, you suck.
I can smell your flavor savor real good. So um, not bad.
What’s it like having breasts and a vagina?
I love Gervais and will not jab him. (He’s gay yeah?) I heart him and his new wave band from the 80s
I’m not going to lie. It’s pretty awesome.
That Christmas special from Extra’s was the greatest episode of anything that ever came on TV. Even better then the last episode of Mr. Belvedere.
Having a penis is like having a little kid that goes around with you everywhere, and wants to touch everything. And the only way you can stop him is by jerking him off.
I call shenanigans on this chick being british. She has all her teeth and her
legs aren’tstomach isn’t hairy.Wait…I don’t understand, you jerk off little kids who want to touch things? Kid touchers if you will? For the love of God don’t let your penis into the kitchen unsupervised!
And shallow, nothing beats out Brocktoon. NOTHING
ST, is that the episode where where Belvedere changed his name to Mr. BTK, and Wesley met an unfortunate end?
Dor sho gha! A sequel to The Last Starfighter??????????
*dumps gasoline all over self and lights it on fire*
Getting too many friend requests from people you don’t know? Change your privacy settings!
Tom is my only friend and Lance but you know…whateverrr
The first thing I did when I joined myspace was to get rid of Tom. I had no other friends, so there was nobody in my network. I had all the time in the world to read my books! But then I broke my glasses, so I added some camgirls as friends.
Sorry, Tom. You were weighing me down.
Tom is spreading Nazi propaganda.
Daily Roundup is FilmDrunk’s semi-daily link dump of stories not important enough to warrant their own posts. Expect snideness and nose thumbing.
So what’s the difference between these movies and the ones that get their own posts?
He still asks about you.
The only thing that gets me hotter than a Rome movie is the possibility of a Deadwood movie. Right. On.
Would you say you have Deadwood wood?
In The Second to Last Starfighter, our hero comes to grips with the fact that in real life, you can’t just start over on a new game if you are getting your ass handed to you by some little punk ass kid from the Netherlands that should be in bed, but just keeps sniping your ass from possibly the best place ever put into a video game.
Or something like that.
I would say that, Pauly, although it would be strictly figurative.
If I submit a envelope of baby batter to the SXSW festival, I’d bet $7 that they show it in front of an audience.
What does Seth Rogen jogging away from a bi-plane have to do with a movie festival?
Who HASN’T seen your baby batter, Chod? I mean you wear it on your face…
*incoming transmission, screen reeks of singed Klingon fur*
Bah, what’s next? A sequel to The Last Dragon with Chris Tucker as Leroy Green and Busta Rhymes as Shonuff? Guy’cha!
*end transmission*
I don’t get it. Babies can’t hit baseballs!
Mandy from Ollyoaks? Have i entered a parallel universe, again? She’s pretty, great legs, but there’s been loads hotter actresses on that show. I’m a Big Izzy fan myself. Elize du Toit. Great accent and even better boobs.
But a babies base is balls. If that makes sense.
Sho nuff.
GRRRRRRRRR…TY D KNOWLES WOOKIE WEAVE!!!!!!!!
That Christmas special from Extra’s was the greatest episode of anything that ever came on TV. Even better then the last episode of Mr. Belvedere.
I need to rent that. The Harry Potter episode was awesome.
TRYING TO WATCH MR BELVEDERE HERE!
Elize du Toit.
Please tell me that last word is pronounced "twat".
It;s "twat" with a soft "t" at the end.
Hey dick heads! I’m about three-strokes away from triple-daring my dick across this keyboard!!!!
Where are all the hos at, I want to SLIME!!!!!!!!!!
I just railed a fist-full of cocaine! I’m ready for a PHYSICAL CHALLENGE!!!!!!!
I’M FUCKING WASTED!!!!!!!!!!!!
So wait a sec, are you people saying that if I neglect my job, family and girlfriend in order to gain mastery over a videogame, an alien talent scout won’t come to take me away from my trailer park (and replace me with a clone to do my chores and fool my little brother and tea-bag my girlfriend at the lake) so I can hang out with a reptilian navigator and be the last, best hope to defeat the evil Kodan empire and you know by the time I’ve gotten this far into the set up for the punchline I realize that I know way too fucking much about this movie and that any attempt at humor I make will pale in comparison to the ridicule I now realize I so richly deserve.
Fuck.
Elize du Toit.
Please tell me that last word is pronounced "twat"
haha, i think it’s South African, so yes.
The only reason I now work for Food Network, is so that I can GRUB like a mother fucker!!!
Woah, Marc Summers is a fucking monster today.
HEY! Who the hell has taken over Marc Summers? Because those are not Nominum-authenticated posts. I do not endorse them in any way, shape or form.
(they are not Nominus-authenticated, either. I’m just in a state of bewilderment here)
Has your account been phished? Try changing your password!
Rotwang, where did you find the 3 Disc Extra Special Edition DVD of Last Starfighter?
I ridicule you in yo face!
It’s me AL: Marc FUCKING Summers !!!! I run my own steamboat baby, choo-choo!!!! Look the fuck out before you get a pie in the face, hombres!!!!!!!
Tom, has your soul been eaten by Pinhead yet? Try changing yor gender!
Wait a minute. You are NOT Marc Summers. Your real name is Marc Berkowitz.
yor = your
Or yor can be "your fucking" in Klingon
Whoever he is…he’s pretty goddamn loaded right now.
Your mother’s been loaded chode- loaded on this dick of mine like a pie-launcher.
…i mean…um…
Are you talking to yourself, Chode, or did you forget to re-embody Mr. Summers?
QUICK CHODIN, RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Busted!!!!
*Chodin and Marc Summers leap into the standing 69 position and take off running!!!*
What’s Tom upto?
Smells phishy.As a south african i feel some kind of urge, probably because I’m a loser who has to sit in the dark because we have no electricity and our health minister beleives AIDs can be cured if you eat garlic. We’re a crazy developed nation like that.
Anyway its pronounced Du Toi, but not the kind of "toy" you’re thinkin of.
Yeah, twat sounds better.
Identity theft is a serious offense.
Oh man…that was such a good piss I took! Oh man, I had to piss so badly, I’ll tell you what. Oh man…so did I miss anything?
…why’s everyone looking at me?
In the original, a gamer gets recruited by aliens to use his skills to defend the galaxy.
original = "lame suck-ass 1980′s movie no one admits watching (except Rotwang)
gamer = "teenage acne-covered toad"
recruited = "anally probed"
skills = "jerking off ability"
defend = "bukkake"
It’s because you sat down to pee, Chod.
Hey Tom, you’re the first person I got rid of on my myspace account, so fuck you and your face, fag.
Nicks Stylist snarls: Rotwang, where did you find the 3 Disc Extra Special Edition DVD of Last Starfighter?
Okay smart guy, I got it at your mom’s…wait, no, I don’t have the 3 Disc Extra Special Edition, but if I did, I would have gotten it (although I’d like to make it perfectly clear that I, in fact, do not own this and do not play it while I masturbate to pictures I’ve drawn of what I think naked alien females would look like) at your…….son of a bitch!
Hey Tom, I HAVE NO MYSPACE. So choke on the next dick you suck on.
CHODIN, IF YOU EVER FUCKING JUMP INTO MY BODY AGAIN, I’LL HOLLOW OUT YOUR ASS WITH MY DICK AND WEAR YOU AS A FUCKING HAT!
I’m glad we got to the bottom of that, Lord Wank. Grab yourself an avatar and make yourself feel at home. *Sings* "We are the world, we are god’s children.."
Hey Tom, you should have been a condom, piss chugger.
That’s the idea Marc!!! Now have some filling!
*Chodin spiderman’s a fist-full of jizz at Marc Summers*
Lord Wank was my nickname in high school. Also voted Most Likely To Break Own Penis.
I should have copywrited the name, obviously. And the name I gave my penis back then, "Shy La Boof"
Did you know that Twinkies originally were filled with banana cream? But during the banana shortage of World War II, Hostess was forced to switch to vanilla cream.
Whoa, Marc just chugged some Ritalin, obviously. Or he’s now channeling William F. Buckley.
Also, Spam has been made from homeless children since 1973!
The only thing that’s made with chodin cream is aborted babies.
Good thing, keeps the little chicklet-selling fuckers off my streets!
And it tastes great, too!!!
Hey Tom, ever go phishing with spam? Get a life, you!
Hi, Nick’s stylist. I’m the most popular person on the entire internet.
Go fuck yourself.
My Grandma was prescribed chodin cream when she had gout.
Keep your sticks on the ice, kids.
Also, Spam has been made from homeless children since 1973! Not in Jersey. Kids just get buried in the grounds of the care home they were dumped in. You’d think the last thing an orphan needs is torture and sexual abuse. That kind of deal might make you question the local authorities take on social care. Nice dog, though.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/crime/article3452322.ece
Tom’s profile says he’s been a user since today. What’s your poison, Tom?
Meth, coke, horse, weed, skank, dust, poppers, jizz?
Come to think of it, this site accuses me of being a user, too.
*hangs head in shame*
*hangs Tom from shower curtain rod*
Can we sing the "Click Click Wakka Smack Slurp" song? It’s culturally appropriate and shit. Plus you can make up the words with a bit of phlegm and a mild case of bronchitis.
Thanks for the welcome yo.
Fear not…plenty of this shit to go around.
*Chodin looks down into his lap filled with cream*
Silly Nick’s Stylist, I’m the soulless face of an evil corporation. I can’t be killed.
Wank: that song sucks.
Chodin I would fight you right now if I wasn’t an armless one legged drunken hobo who still lives with his mother and who’s only friend is a hatstand that couldn’t run fast enough.
That, and the fact that we’re on the internet.
But yeah, any song that has random squirty noises infused in the lyrics kinda sucks.
It sounds like somebody stuck a microphone next to that dude who got fucked to death by that horse.
What if that song was queefed?
Tom would be a third wheel in an orgy.
Chod, I get the feeling that you were a latchkey kid.
*Pauly thinks no one is around and starts jacking off*
Pauly, I like to think I was more like one of the boxcar children.
Safeguard your orgies by switching condoms when you switch partners.
38 people died to bring you this comment.
I was one of them.
I died and went to heaven when I looked into your avatar Nom – whoop whoop!
It was for the greater good, spirit of al
I was a latchkey/abortion survivor kid. I think that’s why I started getting high at 11 and drinking heavy old English at 12. Well, that and the Wu Tang Clan.
Funny thing is, I never tried coke until yesterday.
AND I LOVE IT!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOP!
Who wants a line?
______________________/
Right, i’m off to get some beauty sleep. Been looking like the picture of Dorian Gray lately, so i need it. If, when i check in tomorrow, there’s 200+ comments of complete arse to catch up on, well i probably won’t bother. Hail and farewell, botty slappers.
*other nostril*
__________________/
*Pauly rails a line off Chodin’s cock*
FAG!!!!
But you were the one with the erection!!!
Only becasue I’m still in this fucking penis-cast.
No one told you to sleep on your stoumach
<Stops coughing up blood long enough to check in on Drunkdale>
Hey fags!
<Coughs up more blood, punches cat in asshole>
I caught myself watching "Boyz N da Hood" last night on Telemundo.
I caught myself watching “something in spanish last night, but i couldn’t tell what it was, but there was an adult dressed like a little kid and then this honking noise would go off and the studio audience would explode in laughter” last night on Telemundo.
I was smoking that shit
Telemundo? Never had it.
*Chodin taps head of penis*
Is this thing on!?
*crickets*
*wolf howl*
My skin is getting all pruny.
*Pauly gets out of tub*
Fuck this…
*Chodin takes a deep breath, sinks under the surface*
Don’t swallow. I pee’d
Look eye!, always look eye!
*Chodin pokes the top half of his head above the surface- shifty eyes…sinks back down*
*Footsteps can be heard from afar, getting closer. Pauly runs towards tub*
CANNONBAAAAAAAAAAAALL!
Funny thing is, I never tried coke until yesterday.
Exhilirating, isn’t it? Welcome to the party.
Actually Lance. I lied. My mom was doing coke while she was pregnant with me so…..
I been doing for 25 years.
I’ve been awake since Tuesday.
Chodin resurfaces and pronouced the Royal Penis to be clean.
*Chodin resurfaces*
Hey guys, the royal penis is clean now.
The royal penis is clean for now. That somehow seems more appropriate.
Chino…can I be honest with you?
Um, okay…
I think he’s going to confess that he listens to Soulja Boy.
The Mighty Fek’lhr has actually never done coke, is He missing out on anything?
Basically coke and heroin are the two drugs I *haven’t* done (not counting any of that fancy designer shit you big town folk like to do, like jenkem or whatever).
Well, technically I sort of did coke once. It was sprinkled in with some weed we smoked. It wasn’t a whole lot, but the bowl wasn’t that big either.
I guess I prefer heady/trippy good weed/good acid above all else. However, this one time we got these geltabs that were supposed to be LSD and they were really just meth. The cool thing about meth is like no matter how much you drink, smoke, or whatever, you don’t get slowed down.
BUT ANYWAY…
…I have no fucking clue what this “royal penis” thing is. Just sounded gay so I went along with it.
it’s from Coming to America. You must be young. And by that, I mean I must be old.
Crack aint all it’s coked up to be… I mean coke aint all it’s craked up to be.
I did coke alot last year, ya know just cause it was around. I’ve been on what I call the "Cocaine Rollercoaster" many a time. I wouldn’t say it’s good (you aint missing a thing) but if your not in the mood to party, a bump or 4 will get you there lickity-split. But know, it’s just alcohol and weed for your boy Pauly D.
Yeah, I really never need much of a primer to party. I am guessing less furniture will get broken if I ain’t jacked on something.
One time I drank a lot. That’s about all I can add to these stories. Although, I’d really like to try Absynthe.
Sometimes Fek, I just need a little kick in the pants. I do most of my destruction drunk. I just like to break stuff….
*A look of astonishment is on Pauly’s face. Pauly starts yelling*
It’s just one of those days, when you don’t wanna wake up……..
Not a drinker Jack!? I’m a heavy drinker. I like to over do everything.
pauly: i know wtf you’re talking about hombre, now that im in the line of work that i am in, it’s like blow/high priced whores/alcohol/
miild paedophilia/beastialityis all that i indulge in. my pastor asks me if i get ‘tired’ of the lifestyle that i’m leading, but i tell him that if i’m jacked up on coke then im never tired.1luv
Chuch, dub
I’m a drinker, pauly. I just don’t do anything else. I’ve had seven concussions. I can’t afford to lose anymore brain cells.
Fuck. I’ve only had 2. One, I gave to myself playing baseball with a basketball, and the other is when I fell off the monkey bars hanging updside down in Kindergarten. I’ve been in some fights but never got dazed or concussed.
sorry guys. i have testicles so im incapable of having ‘concussions’ or ‘high cholesterol’ or
‘ED’‘broken bones.’wanna know why? ill tell you why. because ive been valiantly fighting the war on poverty, that’s why.
cock suckers
::::dub rails a line in front of everyone:::
_____________/
\_____________
GOD I FEEL FUCKN RELIEVED, HOLY SHIT I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING WALRUS!!!!
GRRR…..VAGINA!!!
You are the Walrus.
Me and Chuckles like to freebase Ajax before we rape kids.
…
GRRR…ONLY LITTLE GIRLS!!!!!
Chuckles made me do a line off my own dick.
Jack, how the fuck is your rectum doing?
Retum? Damn near killed’m.
ADULT DIAPERS DOES NOT LIVE IN THIS DOJO. DOES IT?
Jack’s rectum:
Out. Of. Comission.
(get him a body bag!)
S’up Drunktards? Did I miss much today?
Apparently not. BTK did anyone even notice I was gone?
Apparently not.
I missed you, erswi. Where the hell were you?
UMM. is someone doing blow in this thread without me? what the FUCK, dub. I thought we were friends. and dude, you got razor cuts all over the CKT.
I missed you Erswi.
and according to imdb, that chick is listed as "other cast" for Dark Knight. mmmm..