Opening This Weekend:

Semi Pro
I’m actually thinking of seeing this. I mean, look at that poster – what else do you need to know? It’s both an Afro-disiac and the greatest ‘fro on Earth. Someone should ‘fro their marketing department into a volcano. Anyway, I’m sure there’ll be at least three or four moments of genuine laughter in between attempts at self-harm.

The Other Boleyn Girl
Someone gets their head chopped off in this, right? I hope so, because I ain’t sitting through shit like this without that kind of promise.

Penelope
Aw, no one likes poor Christina Ricci because she has a pig nose. She can’t find anyone to love her until one day, someone notices that her tits are huge. Did I mention she was sexually assaulted by a chimp on the set of this movie? Also: EW grades it an F. Sounds like a winner! 

The Chicago 10
A recreation of historical events using stock footage and that creepy animation from Waking Life. Getting okay reviews. I say: Meh?  

City of Men
Sequel to City of God (probably one of my top ten favorite movies) from a different director. Uh oh. Sounds like a watered-down version of the original. Then again I don’t mind drinking whiskey with a little water now and then. Is that a good analogy? Who cares, I’m drunk.       

Today on Friday Free For All, FilmDrunk’s official movie reviewer Sexman goes on a rant about Carlos Mencia.  Sample:

Carlos Mencia’s comedy is just terrible.  All he ever talks about is just Mexican Mexican Mexican Mexican. 

If you don’t like Sexman I will fucking fight you. That’s really all there is to it.

If there are any terrorists reading this, I believe I have acquired a target for you to attack.  The locations is the set of Beer for My Horses, a movie which Toby Keith is set to write, produce, and star.  It is imperative that you not leave any survivors.

The title comes from Keith’s hit single, also features Rodney Carrington (also co-writer), Ted Nugent, Willie Nelson [we’ll need to give him advance warning before the attack], Claire Forlani, Barry Corbin and Tom Skerritt.
Keith and Carrington play small-town deputies who embark on a wacky road trip to rescue their girlfriends from comically evil drug lords. [Ed note: shouldn’t it be ‘sexy girlfriends’? Everything else has adjectives.]

Thankfully no distributor is on board yet.  Just imagining who might want to watch such a movie was more depressing than ten paternity episodes of Maury and watching a puppy freeze to death. 

Also: I don’t believe there’s ever been a worthwhile human being named ‘Toby’.

[Sources here and here] 

The Dutch love hookers and pot, and Muslim fundamentalists hate fun, so the two are natural enemies.  Yesterday Al-Qaeda issued a fatwa calling for the execution of Dutch filmmaker Geert Wilder, who is producing "an anti-Koran short."

Wilders expects to finish the 15-minute "Fitna" by the beginning of March, and will talk to broadcasters about airing it. None are yet on board.
But he insists "Fitna" (Arabic for discord) will be available on the website of his political party in the Netherlands and a dedicated site.
Already, the Cairo Intl. Film Festival for Children [which I imagine is a fucking blast - Ed.] announced it was dropping Dutch entry "Where Is Winky’s Horse?" in protest at Wilders’ film.
According to Dutch press agency ANP, fest director Fawzi Fahmi said the decision was a protest against everyone who intentionally and persistently insults and degrades monotheistic religion. [Variety]

I’m sorry, I know this is a serious issue and all, but everything and everyone in this story has a silly name.  No matter how hard I try, all I can do is imagine growing a mustache like the guy in the banner pic, yelling ‘FAWZI FAHMI!" in surprise with my bow tie spinning around like a propeller, and then running in circles on the floor like Curly from Three Stooges.

IGN has this latest publicity still (click thumbnail below for full size) from X-Men Origins: Wolverine - directed by Gavin Hood, opening May 2009.

The slight-yet-muscular build, the leather jacket-wifebeater combo, the stubble and chest hair, the vaguely sexual sounding name (Hugh Jackman!) - Jesus, he’s like a fruity caricature of a manly man.  He could’ve been the most famous gay porn star the world has ever known.  He’s less a man than a work of art - chiseled out of dicks by Truman Capote. 

Or maybe I’m just reading too much into it.  GRR, LESBIAN PORNO!