WHORE OF THE YEAR AWARDS
01.10.08
eFilmCritic’s Criticwatch has done the Lord’s work, focusing exhaustively on a little-known phenomenon – film critics who whore themselves out to get their names on movie posters. It’s a subject I’ve been interested in ever since I blew ten bucks on Atonement (you’re dead to me, Peter Travers).
Their number one whore of the year is Pete Hammond, a guy who was such a whore that he got fired from Maxim. Getting fired from Maxim for being a whore is kind of like getting fired from Entourage for being a douchebag. Anyway, some of Hammond’s greatest hits:
Mind-bending! Jim Carrey skillfully leads us on a twisted trek with hair-raising jolts. A must-see movie. (The Number 23)
National Treasure: Book of Secrets – Heart-pounding action! Total entertainment from start to finish!
The Game Plan – A comic touchdown for The Rock!
It’s hot stuff. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony set off fireworks. El Cantante scores big time. (El Cantante)
Beyond spectacular! Transports you to an alternate world of jaw-dropping awe and unforgettable adventure. (The Golden Compass)
They also do a Top Ten whores of 2007 – I’ll sum up after the jump, since Critic Watch is nothing if not longwinded.
10. Steve Oldfield from Fox-Tv 19 Cincinnati.
Powerhouse performances! (Georgia Rule)
A magical world! A magical movie! (Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium)
A wonderful film for the entire family! Head to the theatre two-by-two! (Evan Almighty)
A rare film that’s both a great date movie and the perfect family film. (August Rush)
9. Jeffrey K. Howard, President of the Las Vegas Film Critics Society
Infectious, contagious, captivatingly entertaining. (Resident Evil: Extinction)
Spectacular! Pure holiday magic. (Fred Claus)
Wild, funny and over-the-top action! (Rush Hour 3)
Big laughs! Outrageous fun! An over-the-top comedy that will leave you in stitches! (Who’s Your Caddy?)
8. Janet Stokes, Film Advisory Board
Phenomenal. (August Rush)
Incredibly exciting! Thrilling!…Captivating. (The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep)
Families will love this film. It’s a winner! (The Final Season)
Fred Claus sparkles with festive holiday excitement. Families will love it. (Fred Claus)
This is fun entertainment families will enjoy. (Daddy Day Camp)
Wonderful. One of the best family films of all time. (Firehouse Dog)
7. Ben Lyons, E! Online
One of the greatest movies ever made. (I Am Legend)
This despite the movie not even making either of his own top ten of 2007 list (which were different)
6. Mark S. Allen, CBS13
The best Pirates yet! Epic and amazing! (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End)
Brilliant, imaginative and inspirational. (The Astronaut Farmer)
The perfect holiday film! (Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium)
Funny, thoughtful and the most heart-felt movie you’ll see this season! (P.S. I Love You)
See this movie, do not fail! You will leave with a wagging tail! (Underdog) [Ed Note: Seriously dude?]
5. Jim Ferguson, KGUN-TV
The perfect date movie for the holidays. (P.S. I Love You)
A must-see for the holiday season. (National Treasure: Book of Secrets)
Don’t miss this wonderful holiday film. You’ll enjoy this film right along with the kids. (Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium)
Both adults and kids will laugh and scream during this hilarious comedy. Steve Carell, lots of animals and Morgan Freeman as God, you can’t ask for anything more in a comedy! (Evan Almighty)
Entertaining, wild fun! (Wild Hogs)
Jackie & Chris have never been funnier. (Rush Hour 3)
4. Jeffrey Lyons, NBC (also father of Ben, number 7)
A genuine, intelligent, scary thriller. (The Number 23)
An excellent thriller. (Shooter)
Sure to be a holiday classic. (Fred Claus)
An inspiring, uplifting movie which pulls no punches. (Freedom Writers)
3. Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazine
Magnificent. (I Am Legend)
A big screen adventure rich with excitement and laughter. (The Astronaut Farmer)
A hilarious comedy for campers of all ages. (Daddy Day Camp)
2. Bill Bregoli, Westwood One Radio
A sure-fire thriller in the tradition of The Bourne Identity. The action is non-stop. (Shooter)
The best romantic comedy in a very long time. (P.S. I Love You)
One of the best screen pairings ever! They will have you on the edge of your seat laughing. (Rush Hour 3)
Would make Borat blush. Finally, an “R”-rated comedy for adults. (The Heartbreak Kid)
1. Shawn Edwards, Fox
Jane Fonda is exceptional. Lindsay Lohan’s performance is phenomenal. Felicity Huffman continues to prove her brilliance as one of today’s best actresses. (Georgia Rule)
Steve Carell is hilarious, touching and completely engaging. (Evan Almighty)
A high-energy thrill ride! (Ghost Rider)
One of the funniest comedies of the year. (Fred Claus)
(2006) The wildest, funniest, most hilarious movie of the year. (Little Man)
The most original film of the year. (Transformers)
The most magical movie of the year! (Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium)
****…The most exciting movie of the year! (Resident Evil: Extinction)
The best movie of the year! (I Am Legend)
One of the coolest movies you’ll ever see! (Stomp the Yard)
So there you are, Drunkards. Now you know who to avoid besides your creditors.
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Where the Qovlpath is Bryce’s Grandma on the whore list????
Shawn Edwards, Fox
(2006) The wildest, funniest, most hilarious movie of the year. (Little Man)
I’m going to take a shot in the *cough* dark, and say that Shawn should have been spelled Shawan, or Shohn, or Shauwin?
Best Ebonics Name Ever on Maury-Lataveonshay
Pronounced: lah-tay-vee-on-shay. Pretty much spelled like that, too.
I just spit blood all over my keyboard.
i would be inclined to agree with jim ferguson on his comments about "wild hogs" being "wild fun" only if the many sets of leather chaps in the movie had been assless. but sadly they are not assless, therefore there is no way this movie is wild fun.
too many letters JHC…his family wouldn’t be able to afford em’.
too many letters JHC…his family wouldn’t be able to afford em’.
FUCK YEAH boys…double comment on deeeeeeezzzzz nuts.
Good morning chodders, you DP’n motherfucker.
This list disparages prostitutes the world over. A whore provides a useful service for money. These dickbags shit on their keyboards and cage-fight for chance to tongue-whipe Will Smith’s asshole.
"After screening I am Legend, I punched my dad in the face for not aborting me 30 years ago." -Ben Lyons
Where is Harry from AICN on that list? He is the biggest whore reviewer of all time figuratively and literally…
*I can’t stop hating on Harry, did anyone read his cunnilingus/review of the Blade 2 that his good friend just happened to Direct. Yes, the director is my good friend. He is also good friends with my other good friend and Director Quentin Tarantino. I call him Quenty…etc. etc. etc. Vomits Blood.*
::nom opens up reluctantly, while covering his crotch:
I like shooter. I thought it was good. I love snipers. Snipers are like Ninja’s for the Digital Age! KaPOW!!
Also, if you guys will take notice, not ONE of these includes someone talking about Balls of Fury. If that doesn’t give credibility to my position that it’s a pretty funny movie, nothing will.
Lance, why don’t you review movies on FilmDrunk?
” made me piss gasoline and bats for a month! ” (alien vs. predator:R)
-chodin
For those of you that didn’t beleive me about Harry’s Blade 2 = cunnilingus review here it is. Please do not read it if you are on drugs, medication or have a tendancy to vom blood when 300 pound nerds try and convince you they have had sex in mind bendingly gruesome detail… you have been warned.
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/11793
so nominus does that make hackers the pirates of the digital age? YARRR
” fucking funny as fuck and full of heart!” (Dateline’s: To Catch A Predator)
-chodin
” …the only thing better than squeezing orgasms out of my dick!” (the heartbreak kid)
-chodin
"Wait. This site is about movies? I thought it was a bunch of dudes fillating eachother. Which is fine with me" (FilmDrunk.com)
-BDrag
"… the best documentary of the year. No fuckin’ doubt!" (Hairspray)
- bryce
I give Blade 2 credit for being the only movie I’ve seen to romanticize being burned alive.
They do have one regular reviewer on AICN that’s worth reading. Look up Neil Cumpston, especially his review of LOTR: Return of the King, one of the funniest things I have ever read in my entire life.
I read a rumor once that Neil is actually Maddox from The Best Page in the Universe, dunno if that’s true or not, but the sense of humor’s there.
I keep wanting to do reviews, to answer your question, I just never seem to have time. One of these days.
"… so vivid and real, you can taste the Taint!" (Atonement)
- bryce
…
… …
The Migh…uh…
DOR SHO GHA! The Mighty Fek’lhr is off to gruesomely kill Harry Butthole from AICN. Who’s in? What are you bringing? The Mighty One has ‘GROND!’
"A heartwarming tale that really sizzles with excitement! You’ll leave hungry for more!" (Schindler’s List)
-JHC
I can never watch Blade 2 again thanks to that review. I am going to go home and destroy my copy.
*a red aura surrounds Him as He is beamed up to Grethor*
You know how good it feels to finally take a shit after being stoved up for a week? That’s how this movie feels when it’s over. (House of Wax)
-JHC
Yes bambi. But a true bootlegger would never download any Pirates of the Carribean crap. Gives us Pirates a bad name.
i give “blade 2″ credit forgiving jessica biel a bow n’ arrow.
” his spelling is shit” (chodin)
-chodin
That was actually Blade 3, chod.
Jessica Biel was in Blade 3 you moron.
holy shit, bryce, i think i just ruined my monitor on the spit-take from that!
and i’m still ready to load up them shells on the shotgun-tip, Fek.
AHAHAHAHAHA
NEW POST FORSHAK LAPPING DOGS!
Recruiting goes well! Does anybody have a 20 tonne weight we can drop on Harry Butthole? If not, we can just use that yIntagh’s Cheeto stash, that should be close to 20 tonnes.
Thanks for the heads up on the Cumpston LOTR review.
"So he and Magneto go to this huge white city where the king is being a dick and just eating dinner while every puke-ugly bad-ass on the planet starts surrounding it, ready to open a Wal-Mart that only sells ball-stomp."
fek: blade is blade…a number at the end of the title don’t mean shit to me.
Chod-I know you are angry, but that is no reason to take it out on the best trilogy ever in movie history. Or Blade movies.
*a red aura surrounds Him as He is beamed up to Grethor*
fek: blade sucks (pun totally intended). all three movies are just one giant shit fest. had to wait until the third one just to see a hot chick (with a bow n’ arrow). shit should have been called “wesley snipes talks in a raspy voice, volumes 1,2&3″. only thing worse than all three of those turds, was the CG.
chodin-First Blade movie had Traci Lords. QED.
Blade wasn’t the worst thing ever. Your memory of it is tainted by the absolute horror of Blade 3: Uwe Boll Might Have Directed This.
Blade 3 is pretty high on my list of shittiest films of all time.
How come a red aura never surrounds Fek as he beams down to post?
The Mighty Fek’lhr said "QED.", or did you yIntagh’s miss that?
catch me-The Mighty Fek’lhr never "beams down", He just IS.
Fuck. I wish I just was.
Besides, Ryan Reynolds is fucking hilarious in that movie. The Mighty Fek’lhr owes him for introducing "thundercunt" to His vernacular.
Funny how the term "thundercunt" comes up in a post with Paris Hilton in the banner pic, eh?
How come a red aura surrounds my manhood after period sex?
chance? i think not.
fate? most certianly.
"…I had to kill a hobo on the way home to get the taste out of my mouth." (Norbit)
Patent Pending
‘I got a blowjob for letting my wife rent Hairspray!’
-Nominus(flimdurnk.com)
WHAT???
I call bullshit on any list that doesn’t HEAD let alone fail to list AICN.
The rotund beast that runs that place has been doing a manual colonoscopy on Hollywood for years.
Three words: Star Wars Prequels.
"…As far as prison rapes go, it wasn’t half-bad." (Transformers)
Patent Pending
OK, we can’t really rag on these guys. I mean, sure they’re wrong and more than likely douchebags, but if someone offered you $10,000 to say something nice about a crappy movie – who wouldn’t?
On that note, movie execs, feel free to use any of the following:
"I am Legend! I am impressed!"
"Fred Claus is the greatest movie in the history of existence"
"Stomp the Yard is the reason America invented rape laws"
Anybody who saw the Golden Compass and did anything but vomit for hours is a stinky fucking whore because pot, the best you could find, or a sidebar with Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johannsen scissoring, could have made that movie even remotely watchable.
Although if anybody finds a video of that, I’d pay $100 easy.