This is Ethan Hawke in Daybreakers, another totally original concept:
Ethan Hawke plays Ed, a researcher in the year 2017, in which an unknown plague has transformed the world’s population into vampires. As the human population nears extinction, vampires must capture and farm every remaining human, or find a blood substitute before time runs out. However, a covert group of vampires makes a remarkable discovery, one which has the power to save the human race.
Vampires and zombies aren’t really all that different. A vampire is basically a zombie you can bring home to mom. They both are undead feeding off the living, but you can’t put a zombie in a cape and top hat. That would just be silly. Vampires are also better at picking up chicks and turning into bats.
Hey, did I mention Willem Dafoe’s in this? *fart sound*
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More like Peethan Hawke-a-loogie!
The Mighty Fek’lhr wonders if Peethan will drizzle hot candle wax on Dafoe’s schlong before going down on him.
DOR SHO GHEY!
However, a covert group of vampires makes a remarkable discovery…
The A (Positive) Team?
BONG!!!!!!
A Neg > A Pos
However, a covert group of vampires makes a remarkable discovery, one which has the power to save the human race.
Leader of covert group of vampires slaps himself on the forehead and cries: "They could’ve had a V8!"
someone photoshop wilem dafoe in the ‘christ pose’ from platoon with a stake coming out of his chest and send it to lance for future posts…that would be a gas!
how about his christ pose from the last temptation?
Fek – I’m worried about the rift between our senses of humor. Perhaps we should see a counselor.
and i don’t give a rat’s ass about trying to spell dafoe’s first name correcty.
‘pre-emptive ‘shh!”
Zonbies and vampires feed off the living, not the dead, unless you’re talking about Yoko Ono who lives off of a dead Beatle.
eib: is that the pose where he’s bangin’ his mom all sloppy doggy-sytle-yo? might not work with a stake through his chest?
He’s trying to be Viggo, or whatever the fuck that guy he’s trying to look like is named.
are you crazy bne?
Wait a minute. Didn’t this guy bang Uma?
Mighty mad props my friend, mighty mad props.
Stoney-It’s nothing personal. He is just psychotic. He will take down the shrine He made of you and stop obsessing.
For the last time people, Ethan Hawke is not a one-man killing machine roaming the earth saving humanity with his wits and fists. He is a bad movie-making machine that gets married, fat, and talks during the evening news.
i didn’t see the last temptation, but everyone got all freaked out about something with Jesus bangin’ someone…i thought it was someone named mary(?) wasn’t his mom’s name ‘mary’?
New title: I AM RIPOFF
Zonbies and vampires feed off the living, not the dead, unless you’re talking about Yoko Ono who lives off of a dead Beatle.
Zombeatle?
BONG!!!
Good luck with those arrows, Ethan. He’d have a better shot of impaling a vampire if he was shooting pencils eraser-first.
WTF is a "zonbie"???
it’s a candy bar duke…a really fucking good candy bar.
I think a "zonbie" is what you use to pick up the easter eggs out of the dye. Either that, or the plastic peice at the end of shoelaces.
i bet christian slater is fucking pissed that he didn’t get this part…
…because christian slater loves drugs, and unfortunately you can’t buy drugs with “tons of movies you haven’t been in”.
My typing sucks, that’s why I can’t spell zonbie properly. Fuck this. I’m going to play golf, yes, golf. Oh really? Well F.U. too. And for the last time, John Wayne in a Devo Hat is not a one man killing machine saving humanity with his wits and fists. He is a bad joke machine that gets married, fat, and jacks his dick with the Tater Mitt to the weather girl during the evening news.
that’s an aglet, pauly…the shoelace thingy.
Aglet? I was way off. Then it might be the metal peice of the pencil that holds the eraser to it.
Thanks Dad.
any time, son.
and how’s your mother, by the bye?
She’s dead.
Well, at least to me anyway.
WHAT’S ALMOST AS PLAYED OUT AS ZOMBIES?
…that “butterfly” song from crazytown.
She’s a zonbie now, the UMDEAD, just like Geoge Washingtoe. Seriously, I gotta get out of here.
i’d heard about that, it was really a trick question. but i see you’ve definitely grown into quite a wiley cuss…just like yer old man. i was hoping you might divulge the location of her grave accidentally, i seem to have forgotten (again)
@Chodin
Have you seen the guy from crazytown on VH1′s celeb rehab? Turned out to be quite the coke-smoker.
i like that picture of ethan…it’s almost as if they captured the very moment where he realized that this movie is going to suck a dick.
speaking of sucking dick… *chodin pries open DB’s dead nazi mother’s casket*
pauly: that show is the best thing to ever happen to my eyes…those people are fucking amazing messes.
bne, we sprinked her ashes where she requested, the In-n-Out burger drive-thru.
It rivals the comedic gold that is A&E’s Intervention. I like to tune in like it was Monday Night Football.
"Aww, who’s gonna win tonight, Colby, or the meth? My money is on the meth."
is that the one on I-10? or the one in town where she told me she ‘got her big break’?
you always bet meth! you ALWAYS bet on meth!!!!
It was the one in town. I always told her that the Double-Double is going to be the death of her. But she O.D.’d on the jenkem. Go Figure, LOL!
I could be wrong, but I believe, uh, a zonbie is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
i’m going to go ahead and say vampires are more played out than zombies. what was the deal with the vampires in 30 days of night? they clearly put some thought into their appearance when they picked out the nice evening wear, but then they immediately went out and tore them to shreds. they’re obviously not some kind of immortal magical vampire clothes and they wanted to look nice at some point in the recent past, but they don’t pack a change of clothing for their month long binge orgy at the fucking north pole?
New script outline;
OK, at Zombie high there was an extra homely zonbie that all the girl zombs picked on. Then they decided to nom her for home coming queen, haha. She was totally in love with this hot older Vampire, but she found out he was queer (fagpire?) but he pimped her up and she won the title and all the preppie zombs got all butthurt and drink themselves into comas and get sodomized. Then she found out that there was a dorkwad zomb that was crushing on her and he had gone to the fagpire and gotten all pimped and he wins King. Then they fuck in a dumpster.
Most original story… ever!
Ethan will always wear the dumbest-ass-on-earth dunce cap for throwing Uma away. Ethan – you’re not that big of a deal.
Did anyone get the hot candle wax joke?
Jeezus! That is far more Vampire updates than I expected…
Bryce? What did you do, go to the library on lunch break?
no, it turns out I have unlimited internet access and my own office :-)
I’ll keep the rampant interneting on the downlow though as I have been here for only 4 hours…
Bryce is back! So what?
Ethan will always wear the dumbest-ass-on-earth dunce cap for throwing Uma away. Ethan – you’re not that big of a deal.
You might be right but what about Hugh Grant? Or Ed Norton?
That’s Liz Hurley (from 18 to 32) and Salma, for you fags.
Okay good points – I think we do have to consider Norton/Salma, absolutely. BUT – you saw how she turned into Gigantor the Mexican Woman when she got pregnant. So, the key question is – can the moustache be far behind?
Now, stay with me on this – here’s a key point. Salma now belongs to some ancient French bazillionaire dude, Hurley has inexplicably entered an Indian caste or some shit and Uma was hooked up with some Lebanese? Syrian? What does this tell us? That what should rightfully be our hot, hot ass is being outsourced to foreigners!!!!! Goddamn you George Bush!!!
Oh, fuck, mustaches!! I never thought of that. How could I neglect to consider the latino female penchant for hair??
Okay, I dig your concern with outsourcing but these are women. Luscious bitches, if you will. They had these fucking wanker bastards who they mistakenly thought were normal men. They gave up and turned to the lowly small-penised foreigner.
It is our duty to the country that gave us life to win them back.
NEVER GIVE UP!!!!
UNtil Hollywood calls up White Wolf games and has them write a vampire script, there should be a moratorium on any film touching vampires or werewolves. Yes, I’m a pathetic raging geek. It’s still some damn good stuff.