There’s a feature on Esquire right now called "Jerry Bruckheimer’s Laws of Science". Here’s a snip:
The Law of Jurisdictional Authority
Your jurisdictional authority, on a scale of zero to infinity (with zero being rent-a-cop and infinity being God), is determined by the equation: JA = 196,935,000 x (a/t). This is the surface area of the earth in square miles, multiplied by the number of threatening asteroids in space (a), divided by the time in days (t) until impact.Proof: With a single asteroid set to hit Earth in 18 days, the characters in the movie Armageddon possess a deity-esque jurisdictional authority of 10.9 million. In contrast, the Department of Homeland Security faces zero asteroids set to hit Earth in zero days, nullifying its authority completely.
Oh snap! Burn, Mr. Bruckheimer! …I think. That was a diss, right? I mean, assuming the "New Yorker Cartoon Law of Biting Satire", which states that the jocularity of a particular pasquinade is directly proportional to the abstruseness of the language in which you couch it, it was hilarious.
I just resort to calling him Poopeater McSucksalot because I don’t know from funny.
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Hey, this is odd…doesn’t look anything like CotW…
I make up stuff too.
Look at the placement on the barrell of that tank! Coincedence? I think not.
That space shuttle is operating wrong. It should be pitching backwards. The way it’s going now, it’s set for sure disaster.
Is his head on fire? And is he going in for the double-grab?
Does he have a big orange brain tumor in that picture?
I hope he’s got one in real life, too.
Please explain this post to me as if i am a two year old.
Jerry doesn’t like Cookie Monster
Lance, did you get this off of that fundamentlist Christian blog?
What in the fuck is going on here today? Really?
Fuck this, I’m going back to work. Hey Fek, when the CotW comes up and my total dominance is on full display send a positronically harmonized tachion bust into the upper atmosphere above my location to get my attn. TX!
And where in hell is JHC with all this god talk going on?
Dr. Mangina? Paging Dr. Mangina? The hours long stand-off with the lunatic from the psychiatric ward holding the top floor of the hospital hostage unti you post CotW is not going well. He raves over and over, "The Mighty One is running out eyes to pluck out and skulls to fuck!!! He may have to resort to home-made fifis and saucing off in your Manwich mixes! WHA HA HA!!!!!!!"
Craptastic-if He points His lightsaber pen south from Iowa, will that work???
This is usually when Lance leaves a comment telling us that CotW will be first thing tomorrow.
Tomorrow will not be coming for Dr. Mangina.
Please explain this post to me as if i am a two year old.
The amount of suck, "C," divided by the box office revenue, "U," is equal to the number of houses, "N," that Jerry Bruckheimer can purchase from out of work coke dealers, "T." C/U=NT
On Star Trek when Kirk went to the Injun planet to save them from the asteroid and fucked that chick with the big cans while he had amnesia and thought he was the Indian god Kirok, turns out they already had a laser in the basement of an obelisk for the purpose of disposing of said asteroid. What I’m trying to say here is, I don’t have to read what Lance wrote up there or anything else.
I just resort to calling him Poopeater McSucksalot because I don’t know from funny.
I don’t rightly know what that meant.
Dooter’s nailed CotW anyway. This is his stage, "And all the men and women merely players;"
dooter!
Oh, got it. I should probably change this avatar huh?
Almost had another VH moment there. I gotsta get a new job. Any of you architects out there willing to pay a pathological slacker to post on FD all damn day?
I’ll give you a nickel!
How are you at mechanical design? And are you willing to relocate? Oh, you said post on FD all damn day. We’ve already filled that position, sorry.
Yeah but Al, check out my post count. I’ll post twice as much for the same price. Guaranteed. I’m a machine. Unfortunately mech. design isn’t my forte. Architectural design and detailing is all me.
I’m not talking about a simple power outage. I’m talking about enriched plutonium which comes from the conversion of uranium into WMD. It is considered the most dangerous substance known to man and absolutely will shut off the electricity present in planes. All any terrorist has to do is drop large quantities of plutonium from airplanes onto American soil and it will render electricity completely useless. And the chain reaction that will occur from the US shutting down will be global. We Americans have had the capacity to do that to our enemies for years. I had erroneoulsy thought that atheists knew that since they claim to know so much about our universe.
[Emphasis added]
But as usual, you haven’t thought things through at all and are speaking from ignorance again.
damn, i remember the first time i ever saw a jerry bruckheimer movie. it was so long ago…it was back in the days of pogs and “comments of the week”…
…oh time, you selfish bastard.
Jack, you are having way too much fun with this. We may have to revoke your E.C. fundamentalist card.
What do the other human persons here think ?
No doubt someone will object, saying something obviously ridiculous like, but atheists are persons.
But clearly this is mistaken because anybody without a well developed belief in God is obviously not a full human person.
What could be more obvious than that ?
How many full human persons do you know without a well developed belief in God. Obviously none, because if they were full human person they would have a well developed belief in God.
Now some people might object to killing atheists for there (and obviously it is there and not thier as they are not whos but whats ) organs but think of all the full human persons that would benifit from the organs and the medical research that could be done on these non-persons.
How could anybody object, they are not human persons and if you think we should not kill them then that is just because of out dated ideas and because they must really just want people to suffer. For shame on you !
So what do people think ?
Should we kill these atheist human non-persons for the benifit of fully human persons ?
Jason
Well Jason, I think that you haven’t fully thought this through. What good, honest, God-fearing person would want to have the heart or liver of an athiest? Sometimes you’re really a fucking idiot, Jason.
Cuddles, Jacktion!
I never realized Jason Priestley was such a God-fearing organ donor.
Al, I’m a whiz at mechanical design. I can prove it too, if there is a real job to aim for.
Nom, I knew there was a reason we get along so well, over and above the clever and astute remarks you make. If you have any experience in electrical as well, I might have to marry you (in order to expedite your work visa, of course).
Not so much in making prints of electrical components, but I install stereo equipment in the cars of dipshit kids on the side. I don’t fully understand ohms law, but I do know how to apply it. I do hope to one day make a vibrator that is powered by kinetic force :)
Works over, gotta go.
Job? A job aint nothing but work.
Your jurisdictional authority, on a scale of zero to infinity (with zero being rent-a-cop and infinity being God), is determined by the equation: JA = 196,935,000 x (a/t)
Finally, someone has come forth with science I can understand rather than simply suspend my disbelief. Similarly, I have been working on an equation to express enjoyment I get from television programs and films. I’m very close to a break through. Once I realized that my mood is always a constant (I have assigned it a value of 3288), it became much easier to calculate.
That Top 100 site is exactly like eavesdropping on conversations at the evangelical high school I was sent off to. Some day, I’m going to drive back there, lay down some cardboard, and start breakdancing. Since dancing is a HORRIBLE SIN, they won’t be able to unserve themselves. They will be everlastingly served.
Listen, this all sounds suspiciously like math, which I think we all know is the work of the devil, who is clearly a homosexual. In conclusion, you guys are ghey. Amen.
I don’t fully understand ohms law,
but I do know how to apply itI merely enforce it.There, fixed.
With the number of engineering and design professionals we have here, we could create the most useless design studio this country has ever seen. We could charge a fortune (because we’re charming) requiring payment in advance, work when/if we wanted, and spit out designs that would not be what the client wanted. They’d move on, we’d sit around and laugh.
Who’s in?
I fear my only contribution to this would be correcting promtional copy and/or criticizing stuff. I’m really only qualified to complain, so unless that’s in short supply at design firms, I guess I’ll just answer the phones. Critically.
I’m definitely in. And am very serious. Seriously.
I fear my only contribution to this would be correcting
promtionalpromotional copySee, I really am good at fixing typos. Can I send out the employee newsletter?
Stoney, 2 words for you . . . E firm. We could do everything you say from the comfort of home
in our pj’snude. If that’s what you had in mind, I am in as well.What the hell? Did everyone go home? Fuckers! I’m still at werk! So should you be!
someone should hurry up and register the firmdrunk.com website.
I’m not so much worried about that as getting my black movie news blog registered. It’s FilmCrunk.com
erswi is a regular Urrristotle
Can I be PlayToe? My gimmick will be a foot fetish and a toe collection reaved from dead hookers.
someone should hurry up and register the firmdrunk.com website.
But, that’s $8 I could be spending on booze.
When we’re rich, you’ll get to spend $8 on booze everyday!
I don’t think firmdrunk is a great idea, anyway. Then we’re just advertising that we’re useless. The firm name should be ironic and also a lie. "Really Hard Workers And Not That Expensive, LLC" or whatever. "Totally In To Your Dumb Idea, Inc."
I am sorry to say it guys, but Lance’s mom emailed me. I guess she found the body. Apparently someone tore off Lance’s head and forshakked…I mean shit down his neck. I guess there were some bizarre ramblings written in blood on the wall…something about "Lance didn’t die honourably and belongs to Him now!" What a freak!
Well, I replied to her with pictures of my dick. In various states of arousal (hard, soft).
Part of the employment questionaire
Are you a female? []yes []no – if yes, go to (a)
(a) If female, will you put out? []yes []no – if yes, go to (b)
(b) For Fek? []yes []hell naw!
Fek – your response was timely and appropriate, and I’m sure Mrs. Martini appreciated the sign of condolence.
Jacktion! I just noticed you’re rocking the Tesla avatar. Nice.
Fek is in charge of collections.
I think Jack having a tesla avatar pretty much qualifies him to be part of an engineering firm, don’t you?
Nice avatar RoboPanda.ÂÂ
Yeah, I see Jack!’s Nicola, and I raise him one Borlaug, fourth greatest Iowan (after me, Fek, and John Wayne not in a devo hat).
Hey, Nom, I can count pills superfast. Therefore, I should be V.P. of Marketing.
But then who will be VP of money-laundering?
Currently looking at ignition module test equipment, types tested;\
Johnson Control, RAM, Rheem. (heheh)
I blame
Bevis and ButtheadFek.You totally left out Tom Arnold and Ashton Kutcher, R.P.
I can be VP of Customer
BullshittingRelations. I have exceptionalass kissingcomunications skills. And I can own a working lunch.When you go multinational, i could run things for you over here.
I can still be VP of money-laundering. I’ll filter the money through my hot dog stands. I’ll just say our spike in profits was due to so many Oscar-Meyer-Winning films in the theaters.
JWiaDH: They’re on the list after Johnny Carson and Elijah Wood.
Hey, THe Mighty One IS an accountant in real life AND has done collections! One time P&G didn’t pay us, so I called to remind them…and they sent a check! PWNED! What fags! Yeah, I must have sounded pretty
drunktough on the phone!The other fun thing about being an accountant: You can fluck things up (intentionally!) so bad in the computer that Mr. Spock and Data would both commit suicide trying to unscramble it, but still come out even in the bottom line. That’s right, who’s your daddy?
The Mighty Fek’lhr = The King of Questionable and Chaotic Accounting, and Master
batorDebt CollectorNot to mention, I put on one hell of an act to look busy while I am fucking around on the internet!
After I’m done listing all the Iowans I know I’m going to sing, "These are the Daves I Know".
Isn’t Corey Taylor the most famous Iowan?
I knew this dude Marc from Iowa. He could vomit on command and with control of the volume. We would get faced in a bar, and he would fill a glass, and then drink it. This would normally start a cascading vomit storm, but was a great way to clear the patio when it got too crowded.
Marc > Ashton Kutcher
Fek’lhr is an Iowan!
BTW, Mrs. Mangina must have liked what she saw, shortly after she got pictures of His engorged member, she sent Him this (slightly NSFW, but fucking funny as hell):
[galleries.dirtyplumpers.com]
I think I might be able to land us a contract designing a new grenade launcher for the pentagon. Good news is, the work is already done! (It’s just a potato gun with a dry-ice bomb launched from it)
(Or a can of pepsi. Wait, shasta, we have to think about our overhead and lead-time)
So, I’m getting drunk and watching creampie videos. How bout joo guys?
joo guys? Is that like German Goo Girls?
Mmmmm… A creampie sounds good right about now.
Hey Fek, I’ll give you a buffalo nickle for that creampie.
are nickle’s made out of nickel?
A buffalo nickle is made out of Buffalo and Injun teeth.
Here’s a nice creampie!
[tinyurl.com]
Hey guys, I’m totally in on the idea for the firm. I’ll provide the charm required to get people to pay our exorbitant fees.
I’ll provide the psychotic disregard for human well-being to enforce said fees!
[www.somethingawful.com] here you go guys for all your atheist needs
dood, is there something wrong with the site, it looks kinda red around the edges…I gotta take a piss.
"We could charge a fortune… requiring payment in advance, work when/if we wanted, and spit out designs that would not be what the client wanted"
That’s my company’s Mission Statement.
I’ll be in the firm, but only if I get to be the Director or the Chairman of… something. Something easy.
**AHEM** Point of order, James T. Kirk is the greatest Iowan. Eat it pozers.
Can I be in charge of the disposing of the bodies of people demanding refunds when we don’t actually do any work for them? I’m really good at that sort of thing, learnt it from Harvey Keitel in Point of No Return.
Hairy, I will accept that point if, and only if, you can name the town in which James Tiberius Kirk is born without looking it up online or otherwise. *I* know the answer, do you?
Not to mention, God will know if you are lying. If you lie, God will trun you into an atheist.
Besides, Dan Gable would kick Kirk’s ass.
Speaking of Captain Kirk, greatest Simpsons quote of all time:
American Border Guard: Beat it, you puck-slapping maple suckers!
Canadian Border Guard: Take a hike, you Shatner-stealing Mexico-touchers!
No way! Best Simpson quote ever:
My cat’s breath smells like cat food!
I know the name of the town. Too bad he’s disqualified from my list because KIRK ISN’T REAL.
I just fucked your sunshine.
I think it’s like Riverside or Riverview, something with a river in it.
And fuck you RoboPanda, next you’ll be tellling me my dog didn’t help me solve the Mystery of the Hidden Salami, he knew exactly where it was, and told me so. R’OVER THERE!
I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don’t think he’s ready to date yet. What’s worse is that he’s sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!
I JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH!
Whatexactly is your son secreting?
DOr sho gha! Riverside is correct, you cheating lying fucker!
Jack has officially durst on the E.C.F. propaganda.
I didn’t cheat, I swear to Lord Xenu. See I had to check and make sure Kirk came from Iowa before I wrote my lame joke. You told me not to go look it up AFTER that, thereby negating me cheating.
You’d think the Klingon god would have a fucking little more omnipotent all-knowingness. You’re a fraud, Ardra you cunt!
Whatev, Hairy! Only a cheating liar would call Him Ardra! Well, that and a gay swan. Which are you?
I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don’t think he’s ready to date yet. What’s worse is that he’s sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!
Wow, that’s some monumental world class denial there. Yeah lady, it was your son’s "secret girlfriend" who left the gay magazine under his bed.
Whatev, Hairy! Only a cheating liar would call Him Ardra! Well, that and a gay swan. Which are you?
Wow, you just gave me douche chills! How’d you know I was on The Swan? Goddam stalking motherfucker!! Wanna go out?
Dba, do you have a profile at interracialconnect.com. As you know it becomes the outstanding interracial dating site recently . Thousands of new members FREE to join daily to meet dream date there!!!!
Who the hell is this asshat, now?
I’m meeting my "dream date" right here. All three of them. Possibly four.
Dba, do you have a profile at interracialconnect.com. As you know it becomes the outstanding interracial dating site recently . Thousands of new members FREE to join daily to meet dream date there!!!!
Holy Christ, did you ever pick the wrong forum to spam buddy!
That’s right! Al’s dream date is a white parapalegic with a wheel-less wheelchair!
Interracialconnect.com? For your information I get all my brown sugar from dial-a-spook. Now beat it before I report you to immigration, cockface.
Don’t forget a crazy cajun with a degree in SHUT THE FUCK UP!
The Mighty Fek’lhr has a PhD in Thuganomics, as well! Hoo Ra! Bust a cap on da gank move, bee-otch!
BTW-Hairy, yes He actually wanted to go out with you, but He already fucked a fifi, so you are SOL.
Finally, Duke, say "Hi." to His cousin Nicki at dial-a-spook!
Thousands of new members FREE to join daily to meet dream date there!!!!
A nympho Trekkie girl that does
BTKA2M???But seriously, He was a Manwich short of the Erswi Special tonight. Dry spell = continued
Full Belly Button :(
Erswi Special, I like that Fek. Does that come with fries? Or maybe a hanky?
[preview.tinyurl.com]
Greatest newscast in the history of retarderiness.
Thank you erswi, thank you for mucho LOLs. (mucho means many or much in Spanish you ignorant cunt rags)
de nada hairy. or as the gringos would say, ummm . . . thank you?
later drunktards. Erswi specials all around, I’m buying.
Each Erswi Special is served with a side of Wife Resentment, Hatred Towards Mankind, and The Humiliation of Fucking a Fifi (if any).
That tard video ALMOST makes up for the Christian page.
Re [preview.tinyurl.com] Tom Cruise has reallty let himself go
really. H’mm is tardiness contagious? Best stop watching these clips.