That’s right, folks, question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: it’s time to prognosticate! Will humans land on Mars?  Is purple the new pink? Would this monkey let me squeeze her tits for a banana?  No one can say for sure, and that means we’re free to speculate wildly! Yee ha!

The latest disturbing rumor comes from CHUD and AICN, who report their sources are telling them that the new director of Wolf Man is that tubby pile of mongoloid monkey shit Brett Ratner (X3, The Rush Hour Movies, Money Talks).  I’d like to think Wolf Man stars Benicio Del Toro and Sir Anthony Hopkins wouldn’t be too keen to work with this burrito-loving mouth breather, but I’m not sure if they have a choice.  Hey, I hear Chris Tucker is available.  

On the plus side, if you create a popular viral video of yourself saying “I’m the wolf man, bitch,” there’s a 50-50 chance of him actually working the line into the movie.  Maybe they’ll put his name above the title like they did on Rush Hour 3.  As if the people lining up for Rush Hour 3 are going, "Ooh, hey, another Brett Ratner film – I just love his work.  Such a talent.  Such an auteur."  I’d like to think they’re going to Rush Hour 3 because someone clogged the toilets at the truck stop.  I’m a baseless elitist like that.

I THUMB MY NOSE AT YOU, BRETT RATNER!  I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR! Ruffians like you are the reason I always keep my top hat tilted forwarded at a pugnacious angle and a stiff cane at the ready.    

Cloverfield made $41 million in its first weekend and it looks like they shot it on a cell phone.  So it’s a real shocker that they’re making a sequel. 

Variety is reporting the Cloverfield director Matt Reeves is "in talks" to direct the sequel, and that he’ll also be directing The Invisible Woman.  

Timing of the projects will depend on how quickly Paramount can complete discussions with Reeves, producer J.J. Abrams and scribe Drew Goddard to scare up another monster tale for the "Cloverfield" sequel. There’s a good chance the sequel will be Reeves’ next film, in which case he will direct "The Invisible Woman" afterward.

"Woman" is a Hitchcock-style thriller that probes the mind of a former beauty queen who turns to a life of crime to protect her family.

I hope they finish the script soon!  Annoying kids from an MTV reality show running from monsters on poorly filmed camcorder is the next big thing in cinema, I’ve always said.    

Adam Sandler, who made me a man 15 years ago when he shouted, "MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG HAS A FOUR-INCH CLIT," has decided to rape the corpse of his credibility, light it on fire, and throw it down an open sewer.

Following Don’t Mess with the Zohan (this is gonna blow), he’ll be shooting Bedtime Stories with Adam Shankman, director of such classics as Bringing Down the House, Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (Cheaper by the Baker’s Dozen?), The Pacifier, and Hairspray. 

The life of a busy architect takes a crazy turn when the bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to come true.

Isn’t that what Lady in the Water was about?  So basically it’s Lady in the Water from the director of Hairspray.  Awesome, maybe for his next flick we can get the Meet the Spartans guys to do a remake of Glitter.     

According to Forbes, Adam Sandler earned $30 million last year.  Meanwhile, Frank Stallone got a DVD player for Christmas. 

That may seem like a cute headline, but the lede in a mainstream news article is, in fact, "Christina Ricci was sexually assaulted by a chimpanzee on the set of her latest movie."

The actress, who already is intimidated by the animal, revealed Chim Chim grabbed her left breast while she was filming ‘Penelope’. [A movie about a girl with a pig nose that looks as stupid as it sounds.  Trailer here.]

"I’m afraid of monkeys, but I had decided not to be afraid of Chim Chim because no one else is," Ricci said. "I thought, ‘Everyone else thinks he’s awesome so just be cool.’

"It’s the first day of shooting and I have this kitchen scene where I’m sitting down and Chim Chim is sitting right next to me. Of course, it freaks out during the take and grabs my left breast and will not let go, and he’s so strong."

"Finally they got him off me but my fear is completely validated and I did not go near him for the rest of the shoot. Monkeys are crazy and you never what they’ll grab onto – I don’t like unpredictable animals."

Unpredictable?  Hardly.  That’s just what you’d expect from a monkey who got within three feet of Christina Ricci’s tits. Let’s face it, monkeys are smarter than humans and they’ve got us wrapped around the thumbs on their feet.  They get to walk around naked, pee wherever they want (even in their own mouths), grab chicks’ boobs, whack off in front of kids, and no one says a thing about it.  They do pretty much everything you’ve ever wanted to do without getting arrested for it.  People just laugh.  "Look at them, they’re just like us!"  Yeah, except they get to swing from the trees eating boogers and molesting each other all day, and you’re probably stuck plugging numbers into an excel sheet.  Who’s the crazy one again?

[Thanks to the deliciously ape-like Timothy for the tip] 

Lately a lot of people have been asking me, “Hey Lance, what’s up with Meet the Browns?  Is Madea going to be in it?  I mean, they can’t have a Tyler Perry movie without Madea!  What would I laugh at?”

Well folks, she’s in the poster (that is her, right?).  But since she’s just a mug shot in it, I’m thinking you might be waiting to see her the whole movie and then only get a couple quick glimpses, like the Cloverfield monster.

Other thoughts – polyester pants, tuxedo shirts, guys in drag, a “B.U.M. Equipment” sweatshirt?  What is this, some kind of reverse minstrel show?  Needs more actors in white face. And Croc sandals.