MALL COP TO BE COMEDIC TOUR DE FORCE
12.04.07
Today Mall Cop, the upcoming Kevin James flick sure to revolutionize comedy as we know it, picked up a director – Daddy Day Care helmer Steve Carr.
James recently starred in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, a movie I’d most closely compare to the time I paid a trannie to take a dump on my face.
Meanwhile, director Steve Carr’s resume includes Next Friday, Dr. Doolittle 2, Daddy Day Care, Rebound ("Martin Lawrence’s poorest performing film to date"), and Are We Done Yet (hilarious Ebert and Roeper review here). Roeper quote:
"It’s remarkable on two levels: one – it’s worse than one of the most unfunny movies I’ve ever seen, the original; two it exists in some kind of parallel universe where live-action characters behave like cartoons. This shouldn’t have been made as a sitcom pilot, let alone a feature film."
So who the hell is this guy, and why is he still allowed to make movies? Well he doesn’t have a wikipedia page, but according to HollywoodFYI, his career "began with his own design company called, The Drawing Board which created album covers for DefJam Records from artists such as LLCool J, Public Enemy, and Mary J. Blige."
I realize that doesn’t really answer the question, but it does fill me with rage. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the comedy club. There’s a famous graphic designer performing tonight, and if his wine label portfolio is any indication, it’s gonna be hilarious.
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FIST!
Take a day off and think about what you’ve done.
(you can’t see the comment anymore, but it’s someone saying "FIST!")
Fuck off bne_pro.
Public Enemy w/Anthrax: Bring The Noise is still head and shoulders better than most of the so called hiphop being forced upon us these days.
It was Ken Shamrock, wasn’t it????
holy shit, lance with the fuckn reprimand! 2.5 points.
bne_pro- dude you had me rollin’ with the last comment on the last thread but you totally killed your COW nomination for that comment. now, some might say that it is unfair to strip you of a fairly deserved COW nom for something stupid you did in the future, but i say, ‘yea, well fuck you, you dickriders.’
Lance, I commend your disceplinary action, but you need to review the definition of the word ‘censor’.
Well done Lance.
::begins chanting and ritualistic bowing as seen in temple of doom::
Oh, and Lance – how many times do I have to tell you? There are plenty of trannies willing to take a dump on your face for free. Save your cash for the real kinky stuff.
Obviously, he’s been here for years.
i once designed an album cover for my little brother’s 5th grade jam band. we unveiled the CDs at their christmas concert – what i didn’t realize was that photoshopping swastikas onto their forheads, woud NOT help boost album sails.
soon after, "tickle squad" broke up and faded into the lonely abyss of history.
It’s my avatar, isn’t it? I haven’t had a funny line since I dropped the original.
You can tell me, I’ll be strong.
baQa’! When Kahless hates you and emasculates you like a bIHnuch in front of the warriors like fresh meat at a federal prison, it is still less gay and harrowing than watching a piece of plaqTa like James…
* that’s right ‘sails’…yup…just keep laughing cocksuckers *
Wait, Lance… did you actually see I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry?
I hope you didn’t pay for that. Seriously. Does running a film blog get you free passes to a local theater or something? Or do you just use your Optimum Rewards card?
wow. second post on this board rejected. where’s your ‘rules and regulations’ section martini? i guess ‘ignorance’ isn’t an excuse for ‘breaking the law?’
I did all the artwork for Stone Soup’s debut (and only) CD.
/dullest story ever
…or work at a theater…dumbass…
I once made a macaroni necklace my mom still talks about.
What? That’s a form of art…dicks.
…or blow the kid working the door…dumbass…
My gay boss had the biggest crush on Kevin James and John Goodman. He liked copious amounts of man-flesh.
now that the convo has migrated over here, id like to post my reactions to both those films on the previous thead:
dog+wii=hillarity: if my dog ever decide to hump me this is howd it basically turn out:
::dub owning it up on halo with jhc and chodders, and lola (name of dubs dog) starts humpin his leg, dub doesnt feel it until his leg gets wet then starts yelling ”WTF mr. muggles!!! (yes, i call my bitch ‘mr. muggles”’) chucks 5lb pound dog across the room and resumes kickin ass’
kermit wackin it to 2chicks1cup:
:::dub closes window to kermit vid and pulls up http://www.2girls1cup.com and fetches the lotion:::n/m.
…or eat out the projectionist…queers…
Damn, did lance wipe all hints of this guys existence? I’m all searching for previous comments that dub was commending, but nada.
bne_pro- dude you had me rollin’ with the last comment on the last thread
Okay, you made someone laugh, so I will reinstate your login privileges.
Quote from Kevin James:
"It was fun because after shooting, Will and I would eat a jar of pickles and tell each other secrets. It was so much fun!" – On "Hitch"
Oh, and regarding whether I’ve seen Chuck and Larry, I snuck into it after seeing the Simpson’s movie. I was expecting Oedipus-reaction-level badness, but even that didn’t prepare me.
baQa’! When Kahless hates you and emasculates you like a bIHnuch in front of the warriors like fresh meat at a federal prison, it is still less gay and harrowing than watching a piece of plaqTa like James…
In a new segment I will call "Translating Klingon" where I translate Fek’lhr’s posts from Klingon to more udnerstandable and contemporary language:
Christ all mighty! When life hates you and emasculates you like fresh meat at a federal prison, but in front of the whole high school football team, it is still less gay and harrowing than watching a piece of donkey sucking blubber like James…
My thigh hurts.
It rained at the cottage one night and my friends Mom had brought a copy of Hitch. There were no other movies to watch. I wanted to pull my own eyes out like Gloucester ("Out vile jelly") and throw them at my friend’s Mom. I didn’t, she was in charge of dishes and that’s how much I hate doing dishes.
there is all of one reason to watch chuck and larry. and it’s neither ‘chuck’ nor ‘larry’. when the DVD is out i’ll post the exact minute-mark to fast forward to see Jessica walking around in her underwear…don’t even bother with the sound, yo.
I know you guys read "It rained at the cottage one night" and thought it was going to turn into an all girl make out session. But no. That didn’t happen either. And for that you can blame the movie Hitch.
He’s taking himself seriously in that Kangol Hat and Jordan shirt isn’t he? Jeez, at the least, have your grandma take the embroidering off of that hat dude.
Hmm…I thought that translation thing might turn out more funnierest…that’s what I get for *paying* a tranny to shit on my chest
before I kill him…Sometimes I translate movie dialogue into another language with the free translation sites and then back into english for all the gibberish. I’ll see if I can find one.
That fucking banner pic is making me insanely irate. I swear, one fucking hit to the head with my hammer, "Grond", and that little bitch James would be out DEAD. Then I am sure some dumb bitches standing by at the mall will start screaming and I will have to kill them, too, but "Grond" never rests!
lala – what is up with canadians and cottages??? duder, cottages haven’t existed since ‘lord of the rings’ and all that ‘golden compass’ bullshit. just call them houses…or shacks…or trailers, or whatever you gotta’.
Actually AGB, I read it as it rained at the college one night and knew, deep in my
ballsheart that it was going to turn into a pillow fight/make out session. And it did. In my mind.Basically it’s lazy camping. There’s not much else we can do with our hearty wilderness.
Given this guy’s body of work that must mean James will be partnered with a black security guard character that rides a segway with 22s, and will involve no less than 10 stereotypes, and at least 1 scene where James is called cracker
AGB’s dead JHC. And unlike you, there’s no rsising from the dead. I don’t embarass doubting Thomas either.
frig. I ruined it.
In Nebraska, we call them lean-tos choderX.
I can tell by the banner pic that Kevin James smells like a Playboy Magazine. Not so bad? Is that what you think? I’ll have you know that means he also smells like a Cosmo Magazine. What a friggin dork.
My humble apologies Lala, you naughty, pillow fighting otter you.
Lala – throw us a freakin bone once in a while. Next you’ll tell us we can’t read your posts with a hot British accent. It’s bad enough that Fek’s stories are half written in Klingon. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with that dialect riging in your head?
ok, it’s actually not that difficult, but you get my point, right?
bne_pro- it’s cool, i got your
fistingback.biels in a cat woman suit starts at: 51:30 and
the wet biel scene is on: 1:03:33
Which dialect? I don’t have a Canuck accent. I have a boring non-descript accent, which slips into english slightly overpronounced pausings because of my Mum. So do with my words what you will.
More important than all this, it is 4:20 (ish). What is going on with Bryce?
kevin james looks like he’s eaten a cottage or two in his day…probably a college too.
Introducing: Grond for hire! Contact Fek’lhr via Starfleet channel 666. Bones broken, neighbors killed, bosses assaulted, babies silenced. Qaplah!
props to dub: helping the black man jizz, everyday.
rhasta call: brahh-brahhh-brahhh
What’s funny is that the "Jumpman" insignia on his chest is the closest thing to athletic that fat bastard will ever come to. Unless power eating is athletic. Like tractor pulls.
Braveheart speech translated into German then back into English (I want to film this):
I am William Wallace. And my enemies do not disappear. I have saw out of good nobleman hung. My wife… I am William Wallace. And I see an entire army of my compatriots, here in resistance of the tyranny. They came when to fight to free men. And frees men who are you! What will you make with freedom? Will you fight? Yes. You and you fight may die. You and you run become, at least a while live. Would and dying in your bed many years of now, be tell take will take you ready, the entire days of this day to that to act for a change, to return here as young men, and our enemies who make it, our life, but it never our freedom?
I rented King of Queens once. It wasn’t what I expected.
wwbd- IMO, any movie whose fans rely on ‘Biel looks hot at this time code’ does not deserved to be remembered.
For further proof look to:
Stealth
Summer Catch
Rules of Attraction (Doubly so for Shannon Sossymon)
Slightly off topic, but I’m curious about Lance’s opinion regarding Ebert’s favorable review of Awake. You know, while we’re speaking about shitty projects and all.
WWBD: thanks for the intel. i’ll be back in a sec. i need to…um…comb my hair…yeah…
PP – nigga, who said i was a fan of the movie? i am a fan of biels breasts and ass, call me hetero if you want but ill basically jack off to anything! case in point: dont you guys hate when you’re wackin it to a documentary then all of a sudden they decide to fuck up your stroke when they cut to some old professor dude and he explains how the mitochondrial system works?
*continued from JHC’s observation*
so are we lead to beiieve that kevin james is "cooler" because he wears kongal, and jordan? furthermore, am i to believe that i’m more "romantic" because i throw on stalkings and a garter belt when i spank it?
Chod: You aren’t being romantic until you light candles. Seriously, my wifey lights candles when she does her thang.
Filter Fucked!
My bad wwbd, I thought when you said you had his back, you were supporting Chuck and Larry, not helping a guy perv like Chuck Barry.
true story time kids: one time i was slobbing my milosivich and i was clicking on all these "mature women" links (like milfs now, come on) – anyways, i’m getting very close to "manifesting" and i go to click on one last link and what pops up: granny porn…
true story continued: i didn’t have the will power to stop…
Awww.. shit, I got a run in my stalkings.
chod, what’s wrong with GILFs?
Pat. Pending: you’re right, of course. why buy the whole movie when you can youtube the pertinent biel material w/o all the hassle of a DVD. although the disc has a lot better resolution!
Burning people on fire are funny, look at WL.
I love this time of year.
I love Santa Claus, and his big belly.
I love hanging stalkings on the mantle.
jacktion! – what are you talking about!? dude, GILFS are…are….GILFS are…shit jacktion! – you’re totally right!?
chodin: "hey guess what, i’m cured!!!!"
*the entire children’s hospital erupts in applause. kids who haven’t walked in years are suddenly cartwheeling themselves across the room.*
I’ll tell you what, garters and stockings get my panties wetter than a slip-n-slide in July.
GRRRR……..Masturbating with a tater-mitt.
Sophia Lauren is like 80 and would still get quick wood out of me. Now, Byrce’s g’ma’ma (that’s what she likes to be called when you’re "bleaching her liver spots") that is some ass.
Have you ever taken a big creamy shit, and relized that it’s so soft and warm, that fucking it would probably be awesome?
Ummm… me either.
I certainly didn’t come up with a name for it, like masturdbating.
PP- It’s cool, honest mistake.
Bne- You’re welcome.
CrapBasket- Sorry, dude, on principal i cannot visit that site.
Nommy- So what you’re saying is that when i rape molest have intercourse with an "acquaintance" that if i have stalkings on, that the confused young boy theyd be more into it?
Chod- Bro, I wouldnt have had the will power to stop either, then again, why would I want to?
Slightly off topic, but I’m curious about Lance’s opinion regarding Ebert’s favorable review of Awake. You know, while we’re speaking about shitty projects and all.
I can only talk so much shit about a movie I haven’t seen. That said, I don’t plan on seeing it.
Wait, do you guys like "I can only talk so much shit…" or "There’s only so much shit I can talk…"?
God, the things I worry about are ridiculous.
Fek’lhr’s into KILFs
"there’s only so much shit i can talk"…it’s fun becuase i picture brad pitt talking, and turds flying out of his mouth.
oh, and it sounds nicer….this coming from the D-bag who has AT LEAST 6 1/2 typos in each post. fuck me with a bayonet.
Masturdbation
Jacktion! you hae the great ability to make me laugh and throw up a little bit in my mouth at the same time.
+v
lance, i can honestly say i dont give when it comes to how you write. as long as you have that magician polar bear as your avatar you can say, "hey, dub, i just burnt your fuckn mothers house down with her inside it and i’m fuckn mr. muggles halfway to sunday." and i’ll be, "LOL lance, you have a polar bear as a magician, ROFL."
Dammit Chodie you’re rubbing off on me!
you really want to, don’t you? C’mon, you know you do… yea, that’s right…
Wait. What?
actually eib – those weren’t misspellings that i left on your lip…
H-H-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!!!!!!!!!!!
Koru – Thank you. I’m going to use that as a quote somewhere.
Lalala, that Braveheart thing reminds me of "Jimmy James: Macho Business Donkey Wrestler." Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my space. But Jimmy has fancy plans . . . and pants to match. Feel my skills, donkey donkey donkey donkey donkey.
Robo, I have a whole bunch of them. My favourite was Nicholson’s rant at the end of A Few Good Men. Something about uping and downing of fences…. basically he outs Cruise as a ghey, all while keeping the upper half of his face perfectly still. Creepy.
Ahem, Nicholson:
The son, live we in a world that walls has. And that walls must guards become through men with firearms. Who is gonna do him? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have can catch a more tremendous responsibility then you perhaps. You ups and downs for Santiago and you curse the mariniers. You have that luxury. You have know the luxury of not knowing what I: That the death of Santiago, while tragic, presumably ready lives. And my existence, while ridiculous and inconceivable to you, saves, lives. You will the truth not. Because deeply below, in places you do not talk over at parties, want you me on that wall. You want me there. We use words as before, code, fidelity. .. We use these words then the backs bone to a life defend something spent. You use ‘em as a clou. I have neither the time neither the tendency myself to a man from to lay that rises and under the blanket sleeps from the whole freedoms that I look after, asks then the manner in which I him look after. I would choose you only thanked you and went further your away. Otherwise put I for that you a weapon take up and stand a post. Either away, give I do no curses what you think that you to are given straight on.
oh agb, you and your crazy canuck accent
dub dub
agb died. Didn’t you read the comments of the week page? We mourned her with a requiem on the Big floor piano. It was a touching rendition of the Canadian national anthem.
dont you read when i said, ‘it matters not if you changed your name, i will forever call you agb’ in the (x) thread?
didnt*
that sounded kinda retarded/mean spirit, so please agb do not take it the wrong way
how can I hate you dub dub?
practice, that’s how.
i knew i liked you for some reason, agb
O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.