
Update: Allan has promised a free Zen and Zero DVD to anyone who forwards this interview to twenty friends – just CC promogroup@banditobooks.com on the emails and add your mailing address (US only – sorry foreigners).
This is part one of my interview with Allan Weisbecker – surfer, author, screenwriter, and former drug smuggler – a man who physically threatened John Cusack and to whom Sean Penn once wrote “I encourage you to stay (in Central America) until something that resembles death.”
He’s the author of Cosmic Banditos, perhaps soon to be a major motion picture starring John Cusack; In Search of Captain Zero, perhaps soon to be a major motion picture starring Sean Penn; and Can’t You Get Along With Anyone: Writer’s Memoir and a Tale of a Lost Surfer’s Paradise, of which I’ll be publishing excerpts here. He’s got plenty to say, much of it supporting FilmDrunk’s suspicions about Hollywood producers vís a vís their intelligence level. Here’s a snip:
“One assignment I turned down was based on a studio executive’s idea that a great white shark befriends a young boy. The great white is severely misunderstood; in the end the boy saves his buddy from the evil shark hunters. Sort of a cold-blooded Free Willy. The exec’s solution to the problem of how to make this believable was the following: ‘We just have to make the shark… you know… fuzzy…’”
To put it in Hollywood shorthand, Allan Weisbecker’s life story is like The Endless Summer meets Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas meets Blow meets The Player. The best part about it is that he’s survived to tell the tale (barely), and tell a tale he can.
It took years of working in Hollywood and a critically acclaimed novel (a hilarious farce about the intersection of outlaws, quantum physics, and tequila), Cosmic Banditos, before Weisbecker wised up and realized that, even without making anything up, he was his own best character. Ten years ago, he sold everything he owned to drive to Central America (surfing along the way, of course) in search of an old friend who’d disappeared years earlier, his last correspondence a cryptic postcard signed, “Captain Zero.” What followed was a harrowing journey into the heart of darkness, a memoir full of swashbuckling tales of drug-running and thumbing his nose at polite society (and the consequences thereof) called In Search of Captain Zero.
In 2006, he wrote another another memoir (after its first run in the U.K. was suspended due to legal troubles, Weisbecker created his own publishing company and re-released it in August 2007), Can’t You Get Along With Anyone: Writer’s Memoir and a Tale of a Lost Surfer’s Paradise. In it, he relates the characters he deals with in the film and publishing business (who turn out to be more duplicitous than any in the drug world), the real-life thugs and murderers that have invaded his piece of paradise past the end of the road in Costa Rica, his own love problems, and the sorry state of dishonesty and denial in the world today that ties them all together. His pain is our gain when he’s pursued on all sides by lawyers, Hollywood morons, sociopaths and assorted snakes before finally writing the book that almost killed him thrice. 
I emailed him out of the blue one day, and aside from proving how accessible he is to fans, the conversation that followed provided further insight into a man who’s always chasing what Hunter S. Thompson called “that maddening delusion that a man can lead a decent life without hiring himself out as a Judas Goat.”
READ ON FOR PART I: WELCOME TO HOLLYWOOD
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Look! Steel wool in that weed!!!
In an odd twist of fate I commented on this thread earlier when it was dated from june and now I see that I have no voice here anymore. Can you guys still hear me out there? Hello?
OK, since there is a huge bag of marijuana in this thread, I feel compelled to tell this story:
One night my brother and I were getting blazed, adn we wondered what a bag would look like if it had all of the weed we had ever smoked in it (imagine a Hefty Lawn Bag bulging at the seams).
Then we thought to ourselves, wouldn’t it be cool if we could have that bag and smoke it! But then, if we smoked it, it would be added to all of the weed we ever smoked, so it would magically and eternally replenish itself because the bag has everything we ever smoked, and whatever you smoke out of it is added to the bag!
At first glance, that surfing picture looks like a crocodile eating something.
At first glance, I look like Ron Howard in his early thirties.
Coincidence? I think not.
Are they smuggling antiquities in that bale of weed? Look in the lower left corner of the main pic.
woah!!! is that a giant box of marlboros they’re smuggling i n the banner pic!!!!
reddit and dugg
EXCLUSIVE! WHERE’S COTW????
You dirty SOB. Don’t make me come over there.
(and if that was a legitimate question, COW will be up tomorrow before noon.)
Okay. Thanks for the response. I’ll go finish my essay so that I can be a productive member of society (if only someone could tell me how to be a productive member of society with a creative writing degree. Hold on to your stereo systems. I gotsta eat)
Does writing a movie blog count as a productive member of society? No? Oh, hehe, well, right, I suppose it doesn’t… Hee hee, member.
I’m already hooked from the FD interview and have purchased all three books today. Turn down the lights and pour the scotch, daddy’s got some readin’ to do this weekend!
And if you’re all wondering where I’ve been…well frankly…that is none of your damn business and I thank you to stay out of my personal affairs. Don’t worry though, I’m always watching over you kids and reading up on the latest Drunkard H-wood gossip, just not commenting cause I just don’t feel too damn funny these days.
Are we going to be tested on this?
lance, i hope that you yourself have upmodded (reddit) this and dugg it (digg)
That banner picture’s going in my spank bank.
sure, I get back from work and you’ve posted a bagillion things! It’s like all the presents for hanakuh on one night… I guess you’re leaving the socks and eye-glasses kit for tomorrow?
this is just like ray hee hayn on yur wayding dee. A free roid ween yur allraydee late. Goood advice thayt you jest deedint take. And hoo woodive thawt it figgered. eez int eet aye ranic? don’t ya think?
gooey… that avatar makes me gag…. is that how you want women to react to you?
That’s an old picture of me. I should probably update it with the new one where you can’t see my eyes.
Sloppy milk drinkers are people too.
I’ve never seen milk that thick and sticky.
Oh no. thats cum on my face. I was just saying "sloppy milk drinkers are people too" because i was just trying to promote a civil rights organization i’m a part of on a completely unrelated note.
On no, not you Louie. I was looking in my fridge, and there was some 6 month old milk in there. I put it back in, because I figure it’s almost cheese. It’s one less thing for me to pick up at the supermarket.
oh yes and I was referring to the fact that it looked like old milk that my sister once dared me to drink… it wasn’t supposed to be taken in a sexual context at all…
………………..
yeah
Meester Pleey It Safe was afreed to fly
He payked his soooooootcase and keessed his keeds good-bye-hee-yiy
He waited his whole daym life to take thayt flayte
And as the plane crayshed down he thought
‘Wheel isn’t this nice…’
And isn’t it ayeronic … don’t you think ?
Thanks Lance. Can’t wait to read these books.ÂÂ
keysome, you must elaborate on how you and your sister dare came about.
I was pretty young and very gullable. She was older and manipulative. She loved and abused her powers over me.
It involved a downstairs fridge and an old carton of whole milk, which was only bought for baking purposes…
yeah… the things older siblings can make us do is only equaled by what friends can make us do when we’re drunk… not that I’d ever drink milk while I was drunk because that’s just asking to be puked back up onto someones carpet…
I just finished Cosmic Banditos a coupla weeks ago, because Lance said if I woudl be a stupid asshole if I didn’t read it. Now I’m a moderately well-read asshole.
PS- Is there some fresh blood posting today, or have I just been too self-absorbed to notice them before?
PPS- Nevermind, I don’t really care who else is here. All that matters is that I am here.
Kaysome, I have a similar story to that except it involved two girls and one cup.
Pretty Badass, aren’t you ‘fresh blood’ around them here parts?
2 girls 1 cup is illustrative of the need for higher fiber content
Can i borrow these books from someone as i’m a cheap bastard who spends all his money on hookers, drugs, and back child support?
Guy’cha! It is Tuesday, and The Mighty One has Lance’s permission to bitch about CotW now!!!
Hey!!! I won, I won!!! Oh, wait, nevermind. :-(
Dor Sho Gah!
I’m hooked too. I’m going to get these books.. I’m a constant reader.
nah, wwbd, I’ve been around I’m just usually too
drunkshy to share my hilarious, yet insightful commentary.you obviously havent been around because no one around these here parts calls me that, so either you’re an impostor or a n00b.
I’m just a simple caveman, who fell into a crevasse during the Ice Age, preserving my body well enough that scientists who discovered me in 1988 were able to thaw me out.
Your ’message boards’ frighten and confuse me. My failure to use the proper nickname for your nickname belies my lack of a fully developed frontal lobe. My thick, stubby caveman fingers can hardly type on the touchscreen of my iphone. Sometimes I don’t return my messages for days because my "Welcome to the Jungle" ringtone reminds me of the time we went to the place of trees, the bad place, where Kordoc was eaten by the great claw-beast.
This painful memory sends me into a rage, me smash devil phone, tear off Dolce & Gabbana suit, hide naked in Central Park, eating only squirrels, until my assistant finds me and takes me for a few days at the spa, where the regular schedule of yoga, aromatherapy and colonics soothes my irrational caveman nerves. After that, me ready for the big presentation to the General Motors execs. I’m just a simple caveman, with an MBA from Dartmouth, trying to fit in here in your crazy, modern world.
bro, honestly wtf? the only reason i’m still talkin to you is because of the ‘most active posts thread’ you clearly need to migrate to the most recent thread. oh and i, too, give presentation to gm execs, but by "execs" i mean my stuffed animals and by "presentations" i mean my stroke technique.
got it, bro. migrating to another thread. but by "migrating", I mean auto-asphyxiating, and by "another thread" I mean photos of brian denehhey bending over nake
d
Mmmm….Brian Denehhey.
I gotta weigh in. I spent years working in the film production division of Michael Ovitz’s last company. In that time, I read an astounding number of scripts. And while Allen’s description of the coverage system is accurate, his incredulousness loses weight when you consider one important factor: 99% of the screenplays currently floating around Hollywood are absolute pieces of shit. Seriously — if you think some of the movies hitting your local metroplex are bad, you should read their stilted, clichéd blueprints. Just as Allen decided to hole up with a screenwriting book and crank one out, so too do thousands of other would-be Stephen Gaghans and John Logans every single day. When I started out I polled execs I respected and asked what their favorite produced or unproduced screenplays were and then I read them so I could have some sort of standard to compare them to. Allen said he knew Patrick Kelly was a shitty directing choice within seconds of meeting him. 90% of the screenplays I read could be rejected out of hand within 10 pages. The rest could be read (or skimmed — skipping the exposition and slug lines and just reading the dialogue) simply for courtesy sake and so your boss could sound informed when passing to the writer’s agent. So what if assistants and other lower-level minions are the first to read these? (We also outsourced a huge number to professional readers, many themselves screenwriters.)
Assistants are in no way less qualified to judge than the execs they’re working for. Hollywood execs don’t attend seminars or workshops to learn how to identify good projects. They don’t spend weekends auditing classes at NYU Film School. They’re just assistants five years down the road in an industry that runs solely on tenure. I may sound like I’m defending Hollywood (a notion that makes me shudder) but the truth is I’d rather excoriate the whole thing than single out the coverage system. Allen knows the trap – like he said he got wrapped up in the life and wearing his screenwriter “hat.” I’m glad he got out and has carved out an interesting and adventurous life, but jeez, man. When he talks about his loathing of the industry he sounds like he unraveled some ancient, mysterious riddle and lifted the cloak of secrecy to discover the movie business is laughable and sucks. I’d be a lot more sympathetic, or at least inspired, if his webpage didn’t prattle on and on about how good and groundbreaking his work is. Frankly, I’ve read enough shit to know it’s probably not true.
please quote me where i ‘prattle on and on’ about how good and groundbreaking my work is: ‘prattle on and on’ must mean i repeat many, many times how good and groundbreaking my work is. i don’t recall doing that.
allan
Allan – I wish I could cite the specific instances of self-aggrandizing I found so irritating, but I can’t locate the previous incarnation of your website—the one included all your Hollywood e-mail transcripts and explanations. Did you remove all that stuff when you launched Bandito Books? I didn’t intend to come off as mean or overly critical—although you seem fond of "funny" blanket judgmental statements about people (of course you’re the only one who has read Heart of Darkness or knows that conflict is an essential component of storytelling.) Rather, I was simply defending the small, underpaid segment of Hollywood I felt you were picking on unfairly. "Prattle" was probably too harsh a word, albeit one I’ve always been fond of. I apologize for that (unless you make the above-mentioned communications public again, in which case I’ll comb through them anew for specifics.) However, if you’re looking for an example of what I’m referring to on banditobooks.com, try the front page. You mention that your writing “has been compared to Hunter S. Thompson and Kurt Vonnegut, with a bit of Bukowski and Kerouac thrown in.” Lofty comparisons, indeed, but perhaps slightly less so when the quote’s source—reader Brian Olsen—is revealed. Although to his credit, Olsen does mentions that he is “fairly well-read.”