CLOVERFIELD IS A WHALE WITH CRABS
12.26.07
An "avid reader" of named "Nelson" sent me this picture which may or may not be "real", but depicts the "Cloverfield monster".
As you can see from the detail, it’s basically a whale with crabs, like your mother (saw that one coming, didn’t you…).
At this point, I could tell you why I find this totally lame/awesome in the context of various movie monsters and their particular strengths and weaknesses, but then I’d have to kick my own ass. Any way you slice it, it’s still a movie about a giant monster.
And that’s not nearly as cool as a tiger escaping from the zoo and attacking three guys (killing one).
They suffered "pretty aggressive bite marks," [police spokesman] Mannina said.
Man-eating tigers 1, JJ Abrams 0.
UPDATE: According to commenter Bandit2037, "It’s not the monster, a guy named Doug Williams drew it for a Cloverfield contest." Should we trust him? Sure, why not.
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Wow, must have gotten those huge crabs from Paris Hilton. i warned him
…
The Mighty Fek’lhr thought that WAS Paris Hilton…
after reading that those guys got attack and killed by a tiger on Christmas, I am having to rethink my opinion of the inlaws.
Do we need details on how "aggressive" the fatal bite marks of a tiger attack were?
"Early reports describe the tiger’s bite marks to be ‘wistful’. The victim was pronounced dead on the scene."
Seriously? Wow, this movie just keeps on getting lamer…
Oh, and I thought the headline of this movie was describing the film itself. Probably still holds true.
BTW, McG is NOT 6 feet tall!
I am. but that is not me.
i am already tired of this movie. people are really getting wild and speculating about what it all means and who cares? this viral campaign is so transparent as to make anyone want to vomit.
It’s not the monster, a guy named Doug Williams drew it for a Cloverfield contest (http://dougblot.blogspot.com/2007_09_01_archive.html). And even knowing this makes me a candidate for sterilization.
i came to the same conclusion attempting to explain ‘viral campaign’ to my dad over the weekend. the more i talked, the less-excited i got about seeing this movie. ‘ahh, shit, dad, nevermind. this movie is going to be ‘the ghey."
If only tigers were a natural predator to whatever kind of idiot dipped in shit that "created" that "original" monster at the top of the page. It’s official: JJ Abrams hired Seth McFarlane as the head writer/brainstormer for this movie. To the fridge!
So Paris Hilton is the hottie, and this thing is playing the nottie?
I still don’t buy it.
no the monster is paris (the hottie) and the giant crab is the nottie riding on her tail
LOL do u gys no wht wud b fny, if liek no 1 went 2 c dis, lol!
yes, it would be fek, but you know they will
It’s the bastard spawn of Jacques Cousteau’s seed from masturbating in the ocean all those years. i know from experience because all the crawdads in the creek behind my house resemble me.
Well, The mighty Fek’lhr sees it this way. We can fucking gas the people that go to this movie and 60 years from now people can test it for cyanide and verify if that Nazi conspiracy Holocaust thing is true.
no, we can use them to prove 911 conspiracies are true, somehow. facts dont play into this at all anyway
did i hear someone say "gay" ???
oh, i mean…hey, what’s up you guys!?
cho, im not gay? remember, we had teh bull dyke discussion earlier
i think i placed that ? in the wrong place. oh well
lance, whenever you post something which, in any way, involves crabs…it makes me think of angela…did you ever get her back for that shit…?
Lansbury?
But anyway, do you guys know what I am talking about? There are like these historical "revisionists" that say the Holocaust couldn’t have happened, and one of their supporting arguments is this guy that tested the gas chamber at Auschwitz and said he couldn’t find any discernable trace of cyanide. They are a bunch of crazy fucks. Maybe allan knows soemthing about them.
Happy post Xmas Day!
Anyone else have a raging hang over and a black eye or is it just me?
True story: I rolled into work at 10:30 and then promptly yelled at an underling for being late. Its good to be the king.
Excellent arguement fek. Wish I had thought about that, during that fascinating arguement about inane 911 conspiracy bullshit. Nothing would piss off somebody named Wiesbecker more than telling him that the holocaust never happened.
speaking of "bull dykes" – i was driving down the street the other day, right behind a big ol’ lifted truck with a crome set of balls hanging from the trailer hitch. it was so hot.
Fucking evangelical fascists in my city want to pass a law banning thoes trucks balls because they are offensive. No, those stickers with Calvin praying are offensive, fuck-heads.
For anyone itching to see Bruce
WillisLee and ChuckWillisNorris fighting to a WesleyWillisWillis song.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLjJk_064as
CB – the ‘bumper nuts’ are not offensive. They’re just so incredibly stupid that I find it difficult to talk about them without raising my blood pressure. Who thinks that is cool, or funny, or anything but indicative of inbreeding?
I CANNOT WAIT TILL 1-18-08
because I’m going to see Fanboys
I CANNOT WAIT TILL 1-18-08
because I’m going to
seejerk off all over Fanboysfixed
Who thinks that is cool, or funny, or anything but indicative of inbreeding?
All the guys I know that have "truck testes" in Iowa are tobaccy chewin’, toothless hicks that kill animals and stuff their head to mount on their wall in their double wide.
My question, I am a wine drinking, toothy asshole that kills
pre op trannieshookers and cuts out their pussies and stores them in a freezer (almost time to buy a second one!). What should I hang from my Dodge Intrepid?A portrait of Ed Gein, Fek
or, a dead pre op trannies actual testicles.
i’ve always refered to them as "truck nuts"…or "super fucking awesome" and "that truck is being driven by a dull dyke".
why would bull dykes have balls on their trucks? shouldnt it be ovaries?
Ed Gein? Why would my uncle’s portrait make any sense?
The Mighty Fek’lhr thinks a dead tobaccy chewin’, toothless, animal killing hick’s actual penis might be most appropriate. It would be hardly noticeable!
BTW, one Monday morning Lance is going to wake up and find me standing quietly, rather nude, next to his bed staring at him intently. In one hand will be the phone jack freshly pulled out of the wall, and in the other a tazer. Then he will fucking know I am serious about this Comments of the Week stuff.
wait, Fek, did you used to be David Spades assistant?
Cloverfield isn’t a whale with crabs. Cloverfield is a giant hamster with wet tail. Wet tail is the hamster medical term for hamster diarreah. Eww.
That would be one fussy giant hamster, that’s for sure.
hey, didn’t "the dark crystal" already use these villains?
fuck it, if it ain’t brokedededededdddeeeddd, why fix it?
To capture the giant hamster, the military builds a giant tube leading to an even more gianter wastepaper basket, which has a carrot in the bottom of it.ÂÂ
Oops, I gave away the ending. Don’t read my last comment if you’re planning on seeing this turd.
If our planet was actually attacked by a giant monster, I think we shouild send Paris Hilton to fight it. If she kills it, then she’s a hero, and has finally done something worthy of her inordinate amout of fame. If she gets killed, then the monster is a hero.
It’s a win-win situation.
To capture the giant hamster, the military builds a giant tube leading to
an even more gianter wastepaper basket, which has a carrot in the bottom of itRichard Gere’s ass.FIXED! QAPLAH!
Minsc has a miniature giant Space Hamster.
Just put it in a griant plastic ball. Then it can roll around and can’t crew any electrical cords. It will be very annoying though because it will keep getting stuck on things.
Dor sho gha! Lance Mangina put up a pic of Grethor in the update!!!
Hey, Lance took that van from the CKT page!
Or he got it somewhere else.
Whatever, really.
That’s no van, it’s a space STATION!
Ok seriously, that thing looks like a mutant humpback whale with feet and extra flippers, with a dead humpback whale shoved up its ass.
It’s basically what would have come out of that freaky vessel to destroy San Fran in Star Trek IV if Spock and Kirk hadn’t saved the whales.
I am looking for da nukleear wessels. Da wessels, in Alameda.
Monster Louse = Hillary Swanks malformed pussy.
True story-The scene with Uhura and Chekov asking for directions was filmed a la "Borat-style", the people had no clue.
one damn minute, admiral.
No, Jack, you are right. He stole that van from us!! Once again, nothing to back up that claim. I just like to claim things.
Hey-Yo, stuck in the back office. Sucks. Anything funny other than a tiger mauling people at a zoo?
In the trailer this thing doesn’t sound like a whale, sounds like a stupid Godzilla villan. If they make plush dolls of this California needs to sink into the ocean.
In the trailer this thing doesn’t sound like a whale, sounds like a stupid Godzilla villan. If they make plush dolls of thisCalifornia needs to sink into the oceanFIXED! QAPLAH!
I am not exaggerating about that naked thing, Lance. I will stick my dick in your ear while you are asleep and take pictures and put them on the internet!
Pretty sure that makes you gay.
Fek I think your the monster from Cloverfield.
It’s only gay if He enjoys it. If He just does it to shame Lance then it’s a Bro’s Cup thing and tha’s OK.
If your exposed wang touches another man in any intentional manor it is prosecutable under Federal statute, totaly homo gay punishble by severe beatings and bj’s from a lot lizard named Tammy who works at a stop off I-95.
Soylent, ar eyou in the "logistics" business, too?
BTW, it’s only gay if my dick is hard.
No I’m a mortgage underwriter for Wamu, but its so slow they moved me to help out the neanderthals (who are not even qualified to be in logistics) in the back back office, they have to keep the lights dim or the retards will freak out. I think they live off fish sticks and Fanta.
OK, if you intentionally touch your dick to another man’s face/ear, you are gay (or want to be).
The bright glow of the computer has irritated one of the Morlocks in the back back office to they extent of me being on the wrong end of a retarded person’s idea of the stink eye. I have thrown the remander of my holiday candy on the floor in hopes it will appease them…for now.
What about when I was young and Uncle Figgler would have to see if I was "clean down there" and told me my weenie tasted of cheese doodles. Does that make me teh ghey?
Entry 3: The Morlock named Becky has come back from the break room to tell the rest of the tribe the cleaning crew threw away the Gordon’s fish sticks in the fridge on Christmas. It gets dark in about an hour and I think they plan to retaliate. I’m scared and alone back here. I think they’re going to turn on me.
Soylent-Never forget the Klingon Proverb, "Retards are afraid to death of clowns."
Hey Fek, aren’t you afraid of clowns?
OK, if you intentionally touch your dick to another man’s face/ear, you are gay (or want to be)
Luch, The Mighty One likes you. Don’t make Him
anally rapekill you.Hey Fek, aren’t you afraid of clowns?
No, The Mighty Fek’lhr has "clown issues". It is completely different.
Clown issues bring out the latent pedophiliacidal urges in me.Clowns are afraid of death retards.
I hate/fear clowns. Goddammit it feals good to know that I really am retarded. Now I don’t have to keep trying to seem normal. Soon, I will don my helmet and shit in the fountain at the mall. FIGHT TWO DEMONS!!!!!!!!!
BTW, Soylent has gone quiet, I fear for him.
*robotic voice* I fight vampires!
CB-He’s the Jolly Green Pederast. As long as he has a clown mask/make-up, he should be fine.
Lance:
Filmdrunk-CotW=Dick in your ear
Fek, 2 points to you for using the amazing Predalien as your avatar. You can redeem them at the counter for a prize. Personally I’m saving up for one of those parachuting army men. BUT THE PARACHUTES NEVER WORK!
The parachutes always work for me, CP. They are intended to become entangled with the blades of a box fan and cause a godawful noise, right? Yeah then, they always work for me.
Stupid parachutes caught fire to quickly when I hit my jenkem balloon doused my army doodz in rubbing alchohol sparked them and launched them with my wrist rocket. The chute would burn the dood would hit the ground and smolder and all I had left was an empty jenkem balloon :(
…
Is two points enough for one of those kotal plastic spider rings?
You have enough for a crappy spinny top, or TWO! little rainbow pencil toppers! You could keep one for yourself and give one to your BFF!
Why in Kahless’ Cruddied Up Buttplug do you want a rainbow pencil topper, Nom???
DOR SHO GHA! If Lance Mangina didn’t have AOL dial up on a 14.4 modem (in a Pentium II Compaq), this picture of Him earfucking Lance’s decapitated head would upload much faster!
Fek’lhr > CotW
PS: Lance uses IE5!!!
PPS: On Windows Millenium!
PPPS: With Blood!
So…can you guess when the alcohol set in?
True story: I keep an old Windows 98 system laying around for the two times a year I feel like playing my archaic "Magic:The Gathering" video game against the cheating assfuck computer.
It’s cold and lonely in here. I wish I had
morereal alcohol so I could be drunk like my hero Fek. All I have is a wine cooler. Msrs. Bartles and Jaymes are my only friends.hey man as long as a computer can run nesticle its all allright byme
Damn, Butters! I have everything but wine coolers, and that’s all I drink!
SPOILER ALERT – It’s an adult female whale squid hybrid from which they extract the secret ingredient in the Slusho drinks. It has babies. JJ Abrams has a small specially-ventilated room attached to his office where he can constantly smoke pot without anybody smelling it. But they know he’s stoned, and they know about the room, so what’s the fuckin’ point? That’s how much forethought JJ puts into things.
Guess who is currently in possession of No Country for Old Men in great quality.
Is it me? Because I haven’t looked in my stocking yet.
its me!
Festering Infected Sea Thingy?