BEN STILLER AS JR EWING
12.18.07
Because when I think Ben Stiller, I think patriarchal Texas oil man.
Page Six is reporting that John Travolta has been dropped from the cast [of the upcoming Dallas movie] and replaced by Ben Stiller in the role of J.R. Ewing. According to Page Six’s sources, Travolta was "let go about two weeks ago. He had the role of J.R. Ewing taken from him" — ouch! But don’t feel too bad for Travolta; the same sources went on to say that, "John was given a nice seven-figure ‘gift’ to go away quietly". [cinematical]
Dude gets seven figures? All I ever get is pepper spray and a restraining order. Travolta was attached to the project as far back as 2006, when it was a big-budget drama. But when they decided to hire Betty Thomas and make it a comedy in the vein of the Brady Bunch movies, Travolta no longer fit the bill. Ironically, people who worship the spirits of dead aliens aren’t very good at not taking themselves too seriously.
I don’t know a lot about Dallas other than that it popularized the extended dream sequence. I hate dream sequences. In fact, I hate it when people tell me about their dreams. Dreams are basically your brain farting, and I prefer not to have it wafted in my direction. Oh, Dallas is also an anagram of "All Sad". Coincidence?
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Pussies. What, John Travolta’s going to make a move? Just show him some vag if you want him to go away.
Patrick Duffy from Dallas played a talking goat in Alice in Wonderland. Look it up! THIS KIND OF SHIT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO! SOMEONE SHOOT ME, TRAVOLTA, OR STILLER BEFORE THIS SHITE HITS THEATERS. second thought, who cares when it hits theaters, lets shoot travolta and stiller now. but not me.
If they’re going the comedy route, why not someone like Vince Vaughn as J.R.? I mean, the whole purpose of a parody is that someone in a role, even one that he’s sending up, would at least feasibly work as that same character played straight. But I suppose that, once again, I’m applying too much thought to the situation.
is dallas that fuckn show where it was all a fuckn dream at the end of the season?
Wait, I thought this was all a dream. Who are you people? Where did Sue Ellen go?
They should cast the Colonel from Rambo as JR instead. Because I hate Ben Stiller. What am I saying? I won’t watch this movie anyways. Carry on.
Oh, Dallas is also an anagram of "All Sad". Coincidence?
When it comes to 80′s T.V. anagrams, I’ve always preferred Cagney and Lacey… ‘Gay Anal Decency’…ÂÂ
Hey, at least it doesn’t have an afroed Will Ferrel in a speedo.
wait… awww… fuck!
The good thing about hating Ben Stiller? I hate Dallas as well. Done and done.
I think a cooler way to go is to make the cast all little kids. Like 10 year olds, but make them play it like adults. At the end there will be a food fight.
True Story:
My brain farted last night that I was a sorceress that could shoot fire out of my fingertips while I rode around on my three balled pegasus.
Even when I am asleep, I’m fucking nuts.
That photo lokks like a reenactment of that last scene in Grease.
So I wasn’t going to see this movie anyway, but now that stiller is in it I’m def. not going to see. God that guy makes me mad. And it’s not because he’s jewish either…. it’s because he’s stupid.
Funny thing about that chick that Travolta is kissing in the pic.
"He loooook . . . like a man."
That banner pic is gayer than . . . something something.
Bring back Patrick Duffy. Talk about a man’s man.
I wish I was stupid enough to earn 1o million a movie :-(
I wish I was Jewish too, but only for the jokes…
You know how I know Travolta’s gay?
He asked me if he could suck my dick.
When I said "yes", he did.
Gayer than the last Travolta kissing a man banner pic?
But I was drunk, and then I killed him.
So I’m still cool and more importantly, not ghey, right Fek? Right? Can I get a ruling on this please?
Sorry, there isn’t much that’s gayer than Travolta. In fact, the instrument panel on a factory standard Gaydar is broke down into fractional Travolta units. This banner pic is 1 Travolta.
I didn’t know you were a masseuse, JHC.
Did you know that John flies his plane up to one of those centers every afternoon to get ‘audited’???
I read that in an article where the interviewer was trying really really hard not to make fun of the fact he (JT) belongs to a religion created by a SCi-Fi author who ended his last few years on a yacht in the middle of the ocean having orgies and laughing himself silly at the thought of all the morons who were going to ‘convert’ to his overactive imagination.
Every time I glance at the post title, I think it says: Ben Stiller Is Jewing
and I think, well of course he is. why wouldn’t he?
My ex wife used to tell me about her dreams. Something about wanting a real man who listened to her. I really don’t know – I never paid attention.
I dunno, J…were you dressed like a girl (keep in mind, answering "yes" is better for your case)?
Dor sho gha! Why is Val Venis kissing Rosie ODonnel???
…
Guy’cha! That’s not Val Venis????
How does one go about Jewing? Is it as simple as having great credit and investing well? Or does it require a Jew Canoe (Cadillac for the rest of you)?
He wasn’t kissing the guy. He was trying to breathe through his mouth. Hamilton On, where that photo was taken, is basically a giant steel mill. It is odouriffic. John Travolta is tres ghey though.
Does wearing my wifes underwear count Fek?
Yes, JHC. It definitely counts. Were you wearing it on your head? What? Why do I ask? No raisin.
Why the hell wouldn’t it, J?????? See? Not ghey! They can say you got drunk, cross dressed, and got your dick sucked by a guy, but they CAN’T call you a fag!
Jack!, I am dying here…I need you to spike that Val Venis comment bad!!!!
Excellent! Now that I know the rules, I think I’ll be going out
againthis weekend.Just remember to feed you boy toy one of those garlic cesar steaks from Lone Star, then the
corpseguy will have garlic cesar cockbreath!Sometimes I wear ‘em on my head erswi. Other times I’ll wear them for a day after taco time and bud selects at the local establishment, then fold them back up and put them in her drawer.
so…cross dressing isNT gay, right?
Well, at least if Ben Stiller is playing JR, we’ll get to see him get shot. Or hear about it.
Nice. Well played sir. Ever the consumate gentleman is what you are. I applaud all your endeavors and wish blessings and fortune upon you and your family.
Enough BS, that’s kinda sick man. At least tell me you’re not doing it with the thongs or g-strings. You are aren’t you? Gross.
Why would cross dressing be gay?
I do it all the time and tuck my dick between my legs and masturbate furiously afterwards. Then the humiliation of getting undressed.No I don’t erswi. Those bastards are uncomfortable as shit.
Why would cross dressing be gay?I do it all the time and tuck my dick between my legs and masturbate furiously afterwards. Then the humiliation of getting undressed.fixed?
fixed
AWESOME!
so be it
I’ve been to that airport. I’ve officially been to a tres ghey mecca. Oui, c’est fabuleux.
i love you guys ::tears up::
Hey, end of page coming up. If anyone really wants to go first, you can have my spot in line. That’s just the kind of guy I am.
Okay, but don’t be checking out my ass.
Dor sho gha! Anagram for "The Mighty Fek’lhr": Geek Filth Rhythm
Anagram for "Lance Mangina": A Cleaning Man! Guy’cha!
Anagram for Dor sho gha: Garsh Hood. What’s it all mean?
Canaries Blew Elk-Can you guess????
Dis Jerk Owl
I don’t know if it’s happened yet, but is it possible that Jack! has become the first person to die from hitting himself in the head with a Wii controller?
i’d jerk slow is the proper anagram for erswi.
How does one go about Jewing? Is it as simple as having great credit and investing well?
It’s kind of like trick-or-treating, but without the candy or costumes. We go out in packs deliver guilt trips to all the Goyim in the neighborhood.
Jack! has become the first person to die from hitting himself in the head with a Wii controller?
I would say "I hope not" but then again, it would give us drunkards a claim to fame.
I’d jerk slow is indeed the only acceptable anagram. Too bad an anagram for Jacktion! isn’t Ow my fucking head, who ever thought I was responsible enough to handle this controller thingy? Wordy I know, but it kinda works.
our claim to fame will come soon hombres, soon.
How fuckin’ sweet and sour would it be to see that on the news? Robbie Rotten’s mug on the screen and some anchor person talking about the tragic dangers of Wii. Poor Jack!
::JHC bolts to his feet when story airs::
I know that fuckin’ guy! He’s queer but I know him! Poor bastard just got that thing too! I wonder if he left it to anyone?
DIBS ON JACK!’S W!!
Jellybean Tempo Monk
Can you guess???
My polka jet nobleman?
Damn you erswi.
you faggots get on chatzy!
Penalty kneel Job, mom?
EMPTY JENKEM BALLOON! WHA HA HA!
Canaries Blew Elk=Allan Weisbecker :o
I liked mine better.
I have one for you: Nelg
in a million years i could not possibly guess that one. good show, glen.
C’mon, a million? Lets get realistic here. I mean, it’s only four letters.
Yeah. I unscrambled it!
What does "leng" mean anyway?
leng=glen?
Ok, a million.
O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her a break.
Detonate Gypsy Mop!
(=Empty Today Sponge) LMAO!
Merry Chub Jerkier?
(=Jerry Bruckheimer)
Khan Mockers????
(=Ken Shamrock)
And in the category of "No one is fucking surprised":
Whale Hitter
(=With Leather)
Just admit it, douchebag, you like to bang fatties!
Officially Dursted.
<looks around>
Jesus Fek… Nice Durst.
<Pisses on potted plant and leaves>
This is so sad. Aw, and I just got here, too.
Waitaminute, who pissed on these plants???
Don’t look at me, Butters. Leaf me alone.
I still can’t believe that Butters is a girl.
Yes she is Jack!. And she belongs to me, so don’t get any ideas.
PS- That fern over there needs some.
You guys are so sweet. Well, I—hey! That’s my leg!
Sorry, I was after the fern.
Maybe instead of the Klingon deity, I will try being the Half-Ogre Bezerker version of Fek’lhr. He actually doesn’t talk much, just kills things.
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OK, so that doesn’t work!
Hmm…I appear to be a d8:
No use trying to fight it, you’re an eight-sided die, a d8. A fine example of simple elegance, the d8 is one of the least appreciated types of dice, and is often neglected. You are known to be quiet and shy, outward traits that conceal viscous sarcasm and mean wit. You are very smart, yet wise enough to hide your intelligence the quicker they found out how smart you are, the sooner they’ll put you to work, which is something you can do without. People call you dark and pessimistic, or moody and cynical. You find little point in arguing.
http://dicepool.com/catalog/quiz.php?osCsid=bf9b431072b5cdffc9f561f1c6a10de1
Holy shit, Fek. This is scary accurate:
There’s two ways to end up with this result. Either you picked the silliest possible answer to each question, or you answered honestly, and happen to be hyperactive, manic, loon. Assuming you answered honestly, your profile is as follows: You are the 100-sided dice, also known as the legendary Zocchihedron. You are the bit of data that registers so far off the chart that the average person doesn’t even know you exist. You are desperate for attention and will get it any way you can. Your jokes have the lowest laugh ratio, but you go for quantity, not quality. Once you get started on a pointless tangent, it takes a group effort to bring you back to reality and make you shut up. You are a distraction who is permanently distracted. You consider yourself silly and entertaining, but everyone else complains about how lame and annoying you are. The one secret they aren’t telling you, is how they sometimes actually miss the noise when you’re gone.
Woo hoo! You miss me when I’m gone!
d20:
You are the large, round, friendly d20! (You probably didn’t know this, but the shape of the twenty-sided die is called an Icosahedron.) You are the friendly, outgoing, outspoken, leader of friends. You are often looked up to, even though you don’t normally deserve it. Most other types secretly wish they were you, and you’d give them tips on how, if only you had a clue yourself. Your charisma is often all you need, but you have your occasional moments of brilliance as well–just never when it’s actually needed. You are the all-around good guy, a dependable chum, a respectable foe, and an inspiration to those who need one. Who says you can’t get by on a smile and good looks alone [take that mrs. lowe!]?
Well the results are in, and how did we not see this one coming?
You are a four-sided die, a d4. Otherwise known as a tetrahedron, a "Caltrop", or (to a lesser degree) "Ol’ Pointy". This crap bores you, so I’ll get to the point. Others tend to see you as petty, conniving, manipulative, argumentative, defensive, greedy, and needlessly antagonistic. You see yourself as focused, effective, efficient, influencing, shrewd, tactical, and direct. Both points of view are in fact correct. You always know the best way to get things done, a fact that never wins sympathy with others. Whenever you manage to gain control of a situation, your solutions are swift and brutal. Unfortunately everyone else is convinced that granting you such power is, "a bad thing" and often conspire to keep it out of your hands. Such short-sighted fools!
see you fuckers later today or tomorrow as i’ll be out of the office. Drunk On!
I too am a d20. Shit, does that mean dubs and I are like co-kings of the dipshits? Ala Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles?
::jhc holds up his grandmother’s underwear for all to see::
What’s going on? Is Lance dead? He better not be…
I wonder if Lance isn’t the guy Travolta is kissing in the banner pic?
If so, he’s laying low till this whole thing blows over.
See what I did there? Laying, blows. It’s all about the sex kids. Ghey, manly, sex.
Travolting: I love you Lance Martini!
Lance: I love you Big John!
MUMMMHHHHHMHHHHUUUUUHHSSSLLUUUUURP!!!
I think Lance must be looking for a story that can rival the whole BritBrit sister preggers at 16 thing. Those Speirs girls LOVE the cock…
"Because when I think Ben Stiller, I think patriarchal Texas oil man."
yeah, because when i think texas oil man, i think butch lesbian john travolta.
If Lance isn’t dead, my mom is gonna kill him.
Lance being dead reminds ol’ Feklahr of that time I had them Drow holed up in that underground castle. Once their mages and clerics cast out, I chugged a potion, put a weapon in each hand, ran in there and bashed their fucking skulls in. It’s funny, for "Dark Elves (ooo….scary!) they sure cry like bitches when I kick in their fucking door and start murdering them.
Sorry to bring up the other place but those Speirs girls are dumb as shit and love the cock. It’s a dangerous combo…
See what you made me do, Lance?
Are you a skipping fucking record, bunny boy?
You guys are scaring me.
I’m starting to freak out from the withdrawls… I’m getting The Fear.
Lack of fresh FD is making me lose it…
Oh yeah bryce, well I’m dangerous as cock and love the shit combo. Beat that!
Holy Mother of God, Fek’s crazy talk has spread…
Okay, well, I make a motion that we go all Lord of the Flies up in here. Now we just need to decide who will play the role of Piggy.
Crazy talk, you want to know what is fucking crazy??? Ol’ Feklahr was knee deep in dead froggy-bodies, and the severed heads will still trying to bite me! How dead do you have to kill fucking Slaadi before they stop? Then again, using their amphibious skulls as fifis be mighty good fun.
I once knew this albino-Drow transgender "guy". WTF?
Yarr! I Nominate Nom to be Piggy!
After I carve Ye up, I will bang my Pirate Girl’s Booty!
It’ll be sloppy seconds bryce. I already hit that hole.
There’s a chinese blind albino chick at my school. Everytime I see her it’s like seeing bigfoot. I want to grab a camera and send the pictures into the weird "newspaper" with all the headlines about Jesus’ return and The World’s Fattest Infant. I don’t though, because she always has someone who can see near her. Also, I don’t have a camera.
Does everyone know what a tessto is? Let yer ol’ buddy summarize it for ya:
A tessto is a huge wooden club that is barbed. Normally only Minotaurs use them, but being a half-ogre (half human, half ogre), it fits snugly into my right hand. They great thing about them is that they weigh a ton, and one swing can usually smash anyone’s brains in. The other positive aspects are the barbs, swipe someone’s midsection with this badboy and yer liable to have a couple feet o’ intestines to clean off it.
Who, thats just like in that movie "Senior Trip" Lala. Except the blind part.
Real life always tops movies. Like in movie’s the dad moves out. In real life my dad moves out and secretly lives next door for a month and we can’t figure out why the dog keeps barking.
We live in an apartment. Next door as in next apartment. Next door as in the people I had to call the cops on two weekend ago. Classy.
It’s because he’s really a machine, lala. A machine that won’t stop, ever. Never ever. Never ever ever ever.
Thanks Nom, you really know how to comfort girls. How’s therapy going?
Damn this. Lance not being here is delaying me getting any work done. It’s his fault. I wonder if he got whacked by travolta strongmen.
Therapy sucks Lala. They keep trying to find a way to help me get more sleep. So now they got me on this medicine thats actually for high blood pressure. So now when i wake in the morning I have to be really careful getting up or I’ll faint.
Let’s just start nominating garbage for comments of the week to make his life difficult.
Poor Nom.
I agree. Poor Me. Empty can of full throttle. ;(
Maybe they had their snarky blogger Xmas party last night and Lance’s
bottomhead is sore…I’m going to go have breakfast. No good comments from me to day. You suffer, because Lance is late. That’s how it works.
Well, I go out east in a week or so. If Lance isn’t back by then, I have an NYPD connection I can talk to.
Is this what it’s come to. I’ve got a hour and half left at work and still no post.
How am I supposed to dodge work with nothing to comment on. I’ve literally done an hour or so’s worth of work all day, that’s not good, I don’t like to push past 15-20 minutes of actual work a day, and it’s near christmas, this isn’t what I need to get me in the festive mindset.
However, my connection is in homicide, and performs autopsies. What do I ask?
"Hey, seen any needle-dicked trannies partially skinned and put to a tortuous death?"
*Yeah, dere’s a pile of ‘em over dere!*
"No, this one would have stuck out. He has AIDS."
Maybe his power’s out. Or he’s being eaten by an Alsatian. Or he saw a rainbow and tried to get to the other side. Or he’s sleuthing.
Really, wtf. His last post came at 1pm central time yesterday. What kind of time is that to suddenly stop posting?
That’s a bit harsh Fek…
He is still our mighty leader. I’m sure he has a good reason for abandoning us. Like he hooked up last night and ended up back at their place and woke up chained to a radiator.
It’s either Heroin, Crack, Meth or Coke. My money is on Heroin.
Maybe a hooker fought back.
I think the gay mafia is giving him a makeover. He heard what I said about looking worse than a carny as being the last sign before Queer Eye and went straight to
thegaydistrict.wtf is up you POS? lance, is still dead i see, anything else new?
maybe there is just no movie news to report.
Maybe he’s crying because the Oscars are going to suck this year. Moreso. He knows his Oscar Party is going to be sad. :(
Yesterday around 1 pm-ish I sent him a link about Val Kilmer signing on to do a sequel of "Real Genius." Maybe he killed himself with the quad laser.
alrite guys, i am sick as fuck but am stilll going to the fuckn mtns. why? because im a gentleman and dont stand girls up, that’s why, oh and because ill go to extreme lengths for p00n, mainly the latter and not really the former. but ima drink a shitload of cough syrup and go to town or crash, w/e.
You’re all crying now, aren’t you?
Well, ol Feklahr would like to introduce you the the klabbard. A klabbard is a long and unusually broad sword, mounted on a hilt that doubles as a punching gauntlet of sorts. I usually use it to punch the blade through orcs, trolls,
screaming peasants, Drow, Slaad,women named Marlene, halfling villages, etc.Give her hell dubs. By hell I mean, your beefy enchilada and by her I mean your hand. HOLLA!!!
I once won a bet with a gnome by tying a
JewSvirnebli in a knot! When the litte fucker didn’t want to pay up, I killed him and tied HIM into a knot!!! HA!Let me tell ya, a gnome tied in a knot makes on helluhfine fifi.
as long as "hell" means, "give her a shitload of ruffies, like enough ruffenal for her not to remember the week" then I will JHC, I will.
I wonder what Lance really looks like? I kind of imagine Kevin Bacon meets Kevin MacDonald.
WITH BLOOD!
It’s funny because it’s rape.
Leave it to Lance Mangina to get raped and killed right before they announce Peter jackson signed on for The Hobbit movie(s)!!!!
Thread on that, Lance. NOW!
Good morning, Pig Fuckers. I just got here. I’m assuming Lance is dead, and he’s left his fortunes to us. Has this been confirmed?
That’s it, we are playing the "Cast The Hobbit Movie" game!
We need:
Bilbo
Gandalf
Thorin Oakenshield
Beorn
Elrond
Gollum
Wood Elf King
Bard
Balin
Dalin
Kili
Fifi
Oin
Gloin
(etc.) on the dwarves
Gobling King
The 3 trolls
new post, unfunny y’ngtags