Watch the full Trailer for Orphanage

The only words in this trailer are a lady screaming "Simón!" so at first I naturally thought she just meant "Fu#k yeah!" in vato slang.  But then I thought maybe she was saying "Simone!", and I was all, "They gave him a girl’s name? That’s so Raven."

As it turns out, the movie’s actually in Spanish (Simón means Simon – weird!), and it’s a horror flick directed by J.A. Bayona and produced, or "presented", whatever the hell that means, by Guillermo Del Toro. It looks sort of like Sixth Sense meets Scarecrow from Batman Begins.  I’d rip on it for being a horror flick and for resembling an M. Night (Manny) Shymammyschlong movie, but Pan’s Labyrinth made me wet my pants with glee (and giggle when the bad guy got shot in the face – figure that one out), so I’m actually optimistic.

It’s weird because it’s an orphanage, but I don’t see any priests.  Priests usually run ophanages.  I think it’s because if you molest an orphan, who’s he gonna run to, the paperboy?  Good luck with that one, fella.

Being that I’m a huge fan of anything homoerotic tough guy who loves MMA (GRR, MOUNT POSITION), I saw this story a few days ago but was waiting on more info.

Anyway, the story is UFC middleweight Rich Franklin  (wrongly credited as middleweight champ by Variety – he’s actually former middleweight champ ever since Anderson Silva gave him the first of two involuntary nose jobs), will be starring in a Weapon, alongside Tiffani (the “I” at the end stands for “hI, I’m a whore”) Thiessen and… FILMDRUNK’S MAN OF THE YEAR, BRUCE GREENWOOD!  As previously reported, Bruce Greenwood:

•    invented an inflatable hat shaped like the Vancouver Stadium Dome for The Grey Cup of 1983
•    can do a definitive rogue elephant trumpeting impression
•    can’t own a pet because of his travels but does have a cement dog named Rascal
•    says he could kick Rich Franklin’s ass and that Rich is a pussy if he doesn’t fight him [BruceGreenwood.com]

Sorry, got off track there. It’s just that Bruce is such a fascinating human being.  Anyway, the movie. “In the pic, a U.S. border patrol agent (Thiessen) apprehends a genetically engineered super-soldier (Franklin) but runs into trouble when the soldier’s creator (Greenwood) starts hunting them down.”  Which sounds to me like I should help you find naked pictures of Tiffani Thiessen  (here and here – NWS, if your boss is a pussy).

[Ed. Note: I added a bunch to the list at the end (after the jump) based on all the feedback] Today Cinematical has a list of the worst fake accents (act-cents?) in movie history. Their list:

1. Kevin Costner – Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
2. Val Kilmer – Alexander
3. The Cast of Bram Stoker’s Dracula
4. Brad Pitt – Seven Years in Tibet
5. John Wayne – The Long Voyage Home
6. Heather Graham – From Hell
7. Christopher Lambert – Highlander

Not a bad jumping off point, but they didn’t pick any of my favorites:
Richard Gere in First Knight.  Apparently Lancelot was American.
Benicio Del Toro in Snatch.  What the hell country are you supposed to be from?
Heath Ledger in Brothers Grimm.  I cain’t understand you, go back to yer country.
Sean Connery in The Untouchables.  Uh, dude, aren’t you supposed to be Irish?  Oh right, you’re Sean Connery, my bad. 

Mel Gibson in the first Lethal Weapon. Mel still sounded Australian at this stage of his career. No one felt the need to explain that.
Colin Farrell in Phone Booth. I love it when Anglos talk New Yawk. Captain Eyebrows overdoes it just enough to keep Russell Crowe in American Gangster off the list.
Drew Barrymore in any movie.  Once you stop being a child actor, speech impediments cease to be cute.
Vanessa Angel in Kingpin. She goes in and out of dialects, but you’re allowed to do that when you have huge tits.
The cast of Miami Vice.  Okay, maybe it’s not an accent, persay, but Goddamn, are you really gonna make me watch an American movie with the subtitles on?  Get a sound editor in here.
Adam Sandler in Little Nicky/The Waterboy. Dude, stop, that’s really weird.
Mos Def in 16 Blocks.  What. the fuck. are you doing?
–
LATE ADDITIONS:
The "Irish" chick in Caddyshack.  Tanks fer nuttin’!
Cate Blanchett in just about anything (but especially The Aviator and Life Aquatic).  Yeah, we get it, you’re acting.  *gold star for you*
Nic Cage in Con Air.  I knew he sucked in something!  Damn you, Coppola relatives!
John Malkovich as KGB in Rounders.  I actually loved him in this movie, but so many nominations… Guess it was over the top, but still.
Kirsten Dunst in Marie Antoinette.  Haven’t seen it myself because I avoid Sofia Coppola movies like fat chicks at an orgy, but it sounds like it could be true.
Jar Jar Binks.  How did we miss that one? Probably the most annoying voice in movie history.
Madonna in real life.  See heah, luv, you ahn’t British, savvy?
Keanu Reeves in Dangerous Liaisons.  Again, haven’t seen it, but it sounds like it should make the list. Must admit he did a pretty good job in The Gift though.  -Way to go, team *ass slaps all around*

Biggest upset? Nic Cage not making this list. Meanwhile, Brad Pitt runs away with best accent in movie history for Mickey in Snatch (in second place, "Moy naime is Chev Chelios, and todaiy’s da day oy doy," – Jason Statham) LATE ADDITIONS: Benicio in Usual Suspects, Hugh Laurie in House – I don’t watch that show, but i’ve seen enough promos to know the dude nails it, impressive.  Also, expect new additions to the worst list once The Other Boleyn Girl comes out.

Malcolm Lee has been tapped (like your mom, BOOSH) to direct Soul Men, starring Samuel L. Jackson and Bernie Mac.

The pair will play bickering backup soul singers who haven’t spoken in 20 years but reluctantly travel cross country together for a tribute concert to honor their famous former band leader. Jackson and Mac will do their own musical and dancing performances for the film, which will begin production on Jan. 21. [Variety]

You might remember Malcolm Lee for directing Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins, which is basically the black Sweet Home Alabama, starring Martin Lawrence, who will soon be appearing in College Road Trip, the black RV. 

Hey, remember when blaxploitation genre had cool stuff like Pam Grier and Shaft?  Apparently now it’s just rehashed plots from crappy white movies with an uninspired title slapped at the top.  Soul Men?  College Road Trip? This Christmas? With these people naming stuff, Titanic would’ve been Boat Trip, Jaws would be Fish Movie, and Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark would be Professor Hat. 

Still, as a drunken Kiwi once told me at a bar, Bernie Mac is the funniest man alive.  New Zealand is weird.  

As I reported a couple days ago when two stuntmen received burn injuries on the set*, Adam Sandler is shooting a movie called You Don’t Mess With the Zohan about an Israeli Mossad agent who fakes his death to become a hair stylist.

It’s got Adam Sandler (presumably as Zohan), Rob Schneider, and… Mariah Carey.  The script was written by Sandler, Robert Smigel (Triumph the Insult Comic Dog), and Judd Apatow. 

With Apatow and Smigel involved, I was hoping that this would be Adam Sandler’s return to comedy form (and it’s a loooong way back after his last few movies). But with Mariah Carey involved I realize that just isn’t possible.  I know she’s got big tits and all, but she’s 37, she’s not an actress, and she probably demands to have her hair washed with endangered caviar and baby seal blood or whatever (suffering = shiny).

In any case, you have to question the decision-making process there.  I’d sooner wear crocs and a sombrero (and nothing else) to my mother’s funeral than cast Mariah Carey in my movie.  And take a dump in the casket.   

^{*When someone burns himself, I find that yelling “Ahh, what a burn!” never gets old.}