JESSICA ALBA INSPIRES CONFIDENCE
11.30.07
There’s one new movie opening in wide release this weekend, and that movie is Awake, starring Hayden Christensen, Jessica Alba, and Yahoo Howard. I, for one, hope it’s going to be really really good.
Trouble is, no one seems to have any reviews because the studio didn’t screen it for critics. Nothing says "Yup, this movie sucks." quite like not showing it for the critics – except maybe Brett Ratner’s name in the credits. Sure, they’ll try to spin the decision with crap like, "We just don’t, like, think critics should get to see the movie before the fans, man. It’s all about the fans!"
Not a chance. No way in hell a studio sacrifices word of mouth unless they’re positive all the reviews are going to be bad. It’s a shame, because Jessica Alba’s such a talented actress. No one plays hot-chick-who-says-stuff-sometimes better than her. She’s like a mannequin you can’t strap to the roof of your car!
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She looks like a total sped in this picture. A bit like E.T. too.
The Mighty Fek’lhr feels the real story here is how Hayden Fuckstainchen is a bigger kotal than Albo and he will be damned for eternity for ruining Darth Vader. That is all.
As opposed to E.T. 2: E.T-ier.
Ha! The Mighty Fek’lhr just read that they were originally going to cast a plank and a post in Albo’s and Fuckstainchen’s leads, but they weren’t wooden enough! ROFLKOTAL!
Hayden Christensen is the White Justin Timberlake, only not as good of an actor.
Critics are pompous assholes so if they think having to pay and watch movies with regular people is beneath them. They are also not very original so I’m sure most of them will come up with not being able to stay Awake during the movie!
Although with those two as the leads it might not just be the indignant bile and bourbon talking…
I would see it , but I would be unable to stay "awake"
asshole bryce
jeez
- the if…
Yeah, that’s right. I’m the asshole here! Miss, where do the high school girls hang out around here?
it looks awful though. the commercials are even awful. who actually would want to see this, beside their moms?
Who’s the big winner here? Bryce! Bryce is the big winner!
It seemed like a good premise when I thought it was just going to be about him laying there getting surgery while awake. Kinda like open water. BUt this premise is just stupids.
You’ve got these big fucking claws, man! And you don’t know how to kill the bunny…
The Mighty Fek’lhr shows Star Wars Ep. II as punishment (for mopery) on Grethor.
no your not an asshole, i just got caught making the obvious joke.
Needless to say, Ep. II gets shown a lot….
i agree nom, the concept at first sounded good, some nice actor torture. but its a love/intrigue story.eew
The Mighty Fek’lhr wonders how Hollywood can top their shitty movie-making? How about:
The Daycare of Tides, starring Michael Jackson, Paul Reubens, and Kevin Bacon.
DOR SHO GHA!
Bs!!! yeah, Lazytown Lives!
Paul Reubens is the man.
Is Ep II the one with the most Jar-Jar? If so then that would be a bad thing…
I’m sure Klingons hate Jar-Jar as much as they hate Tribbles.
Then again, if you throw in some battledroids with PMS, Awake basically would be Ep. II….
cold pizza is the perfect breakfast food
discuss
i hate cold pizza. You are a seriously weird dudette, eib.
LAZYTOWN OVERLORDS! ASSEMBLE!
The Mighty Fek’lhr feels there were a lot worse things in Ep. I-III than Jar-Jar, the cast, dialogue, special effects, script…
cold chinese food is the best breakfast.
They should show this movie in order to put patients under before surgery!
Now there’s your tag line…
Cold pizza is good, also cold curry. And beer?
Nom, yes i am
the fencing in ep 3 was awesome. Go ahead, throw rocks at me, i deserve it.
No, I have to reheat Chinese food to make it good.
Agb, agree that is also quite good
only chinese food I’ll eat is Crab Rangoon.
The only good thing in Ep 1 was the fight at the end and the music used during it.
agreed, mr bryce.
I will go out on limb and agree with Nom, as I just watched again the other night.
dont judge me!
In highschool I had a friend who hated Hayden (she didn’t know him). She had this running joke about all the things she would do to her face rather than look like him. Cheese grate her skin off, etc. Oh, highschool memories.
shit, is eib on the limb with me? Was I caught peeking in AGB’s window again?
perv nom
The Mighty Fek’lhr presents: Today from Left Field!
I wonder what I need to do to get fucking arrested for mopery these days? Hey, if I kill a blind dog and expose myself to it, is it necrobestiamopery?
(I realize I posted this at WWTDD, but I liked it so much I thought I would share it here as well.)
I can’t remember highschool anymore. Seriously, I can only remember back 5 years at a time. I think I have brain damage. And not the good kind like Rain Man…
I live on the 8th floor. I would have to clap if you managed that feat.
I got the clap once.
vag, from Bryces Nana?
or from the branches outside of Agbs house?
THe Mighty Fek’lhr feels that Geroge Lucas dursted on the only aspect of Ep. I-III that owuld have been the saving grace of the series, and that is graphically depicting Anakin
molestingmurdering those little Jedi kids.Also, he should have went back to Tatooine and killed those two little shits from Ep. I that missed the "high-five" at the race. GAH!
bryce’s grandmother gave me a lot of things, but the clap was not one of them. That lady is clean as a fiddle that’s covered in sores. Sores and fatback.
IT’S HURTING ME! JUST CUT OUT THE FOOTAGE OF THOSE LITTLE KIDS MISSING THE HIGH FIVE AND THE AKWARDNESS SURROUNDING IT! I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE IT ANY MORE!
wow, thats a mental picture that wont soon be gone Vag
kudos
Facts about H.C.
Was a "ball boy" at the Canadian Open tennis matches. Jumped out too soon during a match in which John McEnroe was playing, causing an interruption in play.
Thank you Vag. For all of your information my granny gets bi-yearly uterous scrapings and disinfects her poon with a rubbing alcohol douche before every new client. So there.
Fek, are you sure your not a Star Wars geek? I dont even remember that
He, his brother and their friends "kidnap" one another on each of their birthdays, drive to a location unknown to the birthday-boy and then spend the day riding dirt-bikes.
agb? Is that "true" or did you just make that up?
Bryce, she told you they were "clients"? No one ever pays her, she pays them
Please let this be true:
H.C.- "I don’t find Hollywood interesting, so I’m thinking of studying architecture instead."
I found it at imdb. He also supports Man U, so would be physically harmed if he came to my home.
HC is Bruce Greenwood incarnate.
wow, maybe we could get his friends to go all Jawbreaker on him.
Manchester United?
I think Fek went to Man U.
Yeah, but she mostly pays them in food stamps so that hardly even counts…
true, but Jack loves that government cheese she gives him
Did she get that government cheese from Billy Clinton?
Eib-The Mighty Fek’lhr has been known to
dress up as a Wookie and sell His asswatch the occasional Geroge Lucas film (in other words, yes a big fucking SW nerd with the lightsaber pens to prove it).Also:
"I don’t find Hayden Fuckstainchen interesting, so I’m thinking of studying criminal law (mopery) instead."
GRRR…HAN SOLO SHOT FIRST!
wait, is that the quidditch team from the other day?
Fek, nice to know we actually have things in common.
J.A. trivia:
Went to strip clubs as a part of her research for her character in Sin City (2005). However, she said that it didn’t help because all the pro-strippers were doing "is trying to get tips".
Her father was a pro-circuit tennis player before joining the Air Force.
Frightened of flying birds.
You dress up as a Wookie and sell your ass, too???
lol
"I don’t find Hollywood interesting, so I’m thinking of studying architecture instead."
Yeah, I’m sure he thinks about doing a great many things. I mostly think how I can earn millions, work about 6 months of the year and bang hot models. The only thing I could come up with was to Be Hayden Christensen…
What the hell else would the "pro-strippers" be doing? Isn’t that their fucking job?
I buy wookie ass.
I dress up as slave leia
thats what i thought too, Biquini. What a bitch this girl is
Man, I wish my fiance would dress up like slave Leia. Then I could just lay around naked all day, holding a chain around her neck and it wouldn’t be weird.
If a stripper wasn’t trying to get tips from me, i’d fold a dollar into a paper airplane, and aim for her eye.
I like to give strippers tips. Things like, "old film containers can be used to store matches!" and "use a cut potato or apple to remove broken lightbulbs!" I enjoy making the world a better place for all of us.
New post up! Hope you believe me!