In Major Movie Star, Jessica Simpson plays a teen idol who loses everything and ends up homeless. Then she decides to serve in the army, because that’s what homeless people do.
Like In the Army Now meets Legally Blonde, it’s a hilarious Skank-out-of-water flick about one vacuous retard’s journey from the top of the box office to the front line of the war on terror. You know, something we can all relate to. It features sassy chicks like Vivica Fox delivering super original one liners like, “I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.”
One soldier serving in Iraq was excited about the project, saying, “It’s about time someone told the truth about the army being all fun and games. You go girl!”
Ha, “Major Movie Star”, huh? Who does she report to, “General Admission?” Ha ch-cha cha cha.
STEVE GUTENBERG IS BACK, BABY!
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So is this going to be like Private benjamin?
that movie got me hard.
In unrelated news, I’ve just seen the trailer for
guilty bonerSt Trinians.Homma.
There has to be a Colonel Sanders joke in here somewhere…ooops! Not Britney!
St Trinians get me hard too….fuck it most things do, a stiff breeze will wake it up some days,
is there some thing wrong with me.
I’d have her polish my staff sargeant
Only in that something stiff, albeit a breeze will wake it up, ya big hom.
I’d tell her to fight my lance corporal, with open hand slaps.
Why are studios always so quick to cast pretty girls in movies? I don’t know why everyones always bad-mouthing nasty bitches. Don’t you know that Ugly Girls are just like Hookers, only free!!?
This movie should also be starring Major Woody and Private Parts.
If she was in the army, I’d totally be the drill instructor.
Ha ha, drill?
Anyone?
I got ya Lincoln.
You’re trying to turn this into a pun thread again…You love the pun.
I do love the pun. It’s cuz it’s the easiest and i’m the laziest.
I don’t think that makes me a bad guy.
Fart Jokes are easier, but I don’t like fart jokes. They stink.
I’d declare a General State of Emergency on Jessica. . . .
I got no gas in the tank for a pun war today. Sorry.
When will the porn studios come of with a pastiche titled "the war on tera"? It’s just begging to happen.
Wait, homless people can go into the army? I think I just found a solution to the homless problem!
No, No wait "the whore on tera"!
Yeah that’s it.
I’d go all Cagney and Lacy on that bitch. What?
Yeah, because prostitution wasn’t an option. I guess we have the answer to whether she prefers blowjobs to push-ups.
Prostitution can’t be all bad, it has the word "tit" in it.
All bullshitting aside, she’s a Major Dipshit. Well, maybe a little bullshitting.
Hey Nom, it has to make you feel pretty shitty that you’re team is undefeated and STILL aren’t gonna play for a Nat. title?
So ends my sports rant for the day. Unless Nom wants to respond….
I hear that if you are a prostitute you get tons of ass…
It’s kij being in a rock band.
Straight to VHS
This would be great if they tied her to her bed and beat the shit out of her with bars of soap.
Wait. First off, yeah, it’s bullshit that we aren’t ranked #1. What’s even more bullshit is that we supposedly moved up in the rankings….to number 4. WTF. I swear to god they choose which poll to use based on which one will degrade us more. 3rdly: I thought that the BCS is still undetermined, and as long as we beat Missouri, we are in it. Or, at the least, as long as we Beat Missouri and go on to win the Big 12 championship.
tied her to her bed and beat the shit out of her with bars of soap.
It’s like you read my fucking mind!
I don’t know what’s going on. I’m confused. Sport?
I was all happy to get here early today, and its all been done already. Damn
Backtracking for a sec to Anti-grav. If she prefers blow jobs, wont that make her a gay?
Code red on Jessica! Im down for that.
Eibmoz, it’s like your avatar is displaying my around the clock desires.
It’s because your coach looks like he ate someone. People don’t like the uber-fat. They think they smell. I agree that you’re taking it in the ass though. Don’t worry, even if you do run the table, they’ll find a way to fuck you over. Again cuz nobody wants to see people with nests. (nests=necks that run into the chest without any dicernable transitions)
LSU! LSU! LSU! LSU! LSU! LSU! LSU! LSU! LSU! LSU! LSU! LSU! LSU! LSU! LSU! LSU! LSU!
Thus ends my sports rant for the day.
i was lost for a moment, got it back
also on an unrelated note I just found out they made a rambo cartoon
[tinyurl.com]
Regardless of whether eibmoz means "a few good men" code red or a "surfing the crimson wave" code red, I shall blithely follow.
Wow affy, wow. That was teh suckeh, eh?
Where’s the Full Metal Jacket cartoon?
Why overcome your enemies with an exploding arrow tip to the heart when clever thinking will take care of it?
I meant the Few Good Men kind
And a fucking robocop one.
[tinyurl.com]
Why didn’t I know about these. Why?
Actually, the Full Metal Jacket Kind, hopefully culminating in Jessica being in a world of shit
So, we went to an Ethiopian Restaurant* on Friday night. I was quite amused, as the items on the menu – presumably featuring words written in the language of Ethiopia (Ethiopian?) – could have easily been random Klingon from a Mighty Fek’lhr post. I ordered what appeared to closely resemble a humorous Fek’lhr comment. The food was tasty, but should simply have been called ‘Plate of Farts’, because that was to be the unavoidable result.
*no, the food is not delivered to the table in bundles via parachutte drop.
ooh, no, they could do a remake of Full Metal Jacket, and Britney could be Gomer Pyle. It would renew her career!
I need to reverse time so I’m young again and I can watch these as they air. I don’t think my life can be complete now.
Hey Stone, were you hungry like 10 minutes after finishing?
Bah, all of you yIntaghs huff bryce’s grandmother’s fermented piss and shit to get high!
LEEEEEEERRRRRROOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYY
JJJJJJJEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
oh, Fek, you charmer, you
He demands the jenkem jokes start immediately!
[www.thesmokinggun.com]
Fek – I honor you with a post of how you came to mind at dinner, and you say nothing? What kind of warrior/underpaid accountant are you?
I heard about this shit and piss high the other day.
WTF, but still the high sounds good I’m just not sure it’s worth sniffing shit and piss for.
I think that cant work, I never got high opening a diaper Genie, and let me tell you, they get fermented.
Hey, I fucking accused you (well, everyone) of huffing bryce’s grandmother’s jenkem! What more do you want???
BTW, what the fuck do they serve at an Ethiopian restaraunt? Is that where mean guys take their fat girlfriends for supper to send a message?
"I would like the empty bowl of depair with a side of jenkem!" WTF?
Depair? that was so close to being hilarious
BAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
+s
it still made me laugh, I wont lie
I don’t think it’s worth it when the stink hangs around for days.
So, we went to an Ethiopian Restaurant* on Friday night.
I recommend the Flies in My Eyes with a side of Distended Belly.
So, we went to an Ethiopian Restaurant* on Friday night
So they throw a bit of ragged, old meat on the floor and you have to fight for it.
It’s really just a plate full of mushy stuff you eat with torn off pieces of warm flat bread.
Its a theme restaurant: Ethiopian Times
It’s really just a plate full of mushy stuff you eat with torn off pieces of warm flat bread.
So it’s really no different than the Grand Slam at Denny’s around 3 a.m.?
Ironic that a guy named "Stone Soup" is talking about stews and injera, no?
Here’s how it works –
You walk in, and they take all your money and most of your clothes. They throw you in the back of a cargo van and drop you off in a back lot somewhere. They throw some dirty food at you. All the while, Sally Struthers watches from an air conditioned shack eating Snickers.
The problem with jenkem is that there is virtually no opportunity for entrepeneurship. When I was in high school, I learned that if you take wheat bread, and squeeze an orange half onto it, then wrap up the bread and orange half in saran wrap, then bury it underground for a couple weeks, then eat the bread, it makes you trip. The problem was that the bread is pretty soggy, disgusting and unedible afterwards. Another problem was it didn’t have a catchy name. So I dried the bread and crumbled it into crumbs. Problem solved, and CRUMBS was born. I was beaten up 15 times that spring.
It’s really just a plate full of mushy stuff you eat with torn off pieces of warm flat bread.
So it’s just like date night at Fek’s house.
Is injera when you shit uncontrollably for 3 days straight? Cuz if it is, I’ve had it and it wasn’t pleasant.
Crumbs could catch on.
Catch on my jumper, my trousers…….
Nom, how did you discover this?
GRRR….EMPTY BOWL OF DESPAIR!
Actually, a really easy way to get high is to take drugs!
Is crumbs real? If so I’ll do it.
I’m a sucker that’ll do anything to eleviate the boredom of everyday life.
wait, Affleck, isnt that what movies and FilmDrunk are for?
Hey Lance, I don’t want to sound like a stick in the mud or anything, but maybe a little less posting and a little more effort on getting COW thread out on Monday?
If the above post in any way makes a possible COW award vanish from COW thread, please disregard.
yeah but if I’m tripping my tits of it’s all for the better.
Empty Balloon of Jenkem :(
off*
Heard about it through my international syndicate of smart kids, trying to get high. Also, Morning Glory seeds contain a chemical known as Lysergic Acid Amide. Very similar to Lysergic Acid Dithylamide(LSD). Problem is that along with Lysergic Acid Amide is a potent toxin, so you can trip hard, but it makes you violently ill. So what you do is soak the seeds in something called "wood alchohol" and cook it in some way, and it seperates the Lysergic Acid Amide from the toxins, and makes this dark colored gooey stuff that you can place in capsules and take without the toxins. I assume no responsibility if someone researches this and trys to make this and anyone is hurt, or they have a great time. But if you get rich, I want my 10%.
I bow down to your knowledge of homemade pharmacuticals. What should I do down here anyway?
oh, look , a quarter!
There was also one summer, I believe 1998, when you couldn’t find any weed in the whole fucking area. Except, luckily just before I saw Cypress Hill at Smokin Grooves tour. Anyways, there was a huge drought, but this is Kansas, and K-weed(ditchweed) grows in abundance by the railroad tracks(even know a spot with purple ditchweed). So, we harvested a shitload of ditchweed and dried it, sifted it, and soaked it in rubbing alchohol for awhile, then cooked the alchohol til it evaporated and VIOLIN! Sticky, greasy THC resin. Made about 2 ounces of it from around 20 pounds of ditchweed.
Clearly Lance has had Ethiopian food before.
I believe there should be MORE violins on television!
My knowledge of ditch weed isn’t great, we only get the good stuff, but couldn’t you just dry the ditch weed and smoke it or is ditch weed just shit?
Also, keep in mind that when you are in a cow pasture, in the dark, there are two types of mushrooms that grow from cow patties, and they look exactly the same to the untrained eye. One is Psylocybn(spelling?) Mushroom, and the other looks just like it except the spore color, and will kill you if you eat it. So if you have any hippies you want killed, there you go.
Kansas really is THAT boring, huh? I thought it was a stereotype.
Ditch weed in the US is shit. It’s cannibus Indica. Now, I hear, that over in those tropical and dirty places, like asia, the ditch weed is good, because it is Cannibus Sativa. And it grow huge, in cycles of 9 months life span.
I fucking love mushrooms.
Me and evil lincoln have had some fun old times with those fungai.
Hey I was in Kansa 3 years ago and it was great. Of course all I saw of it was 2 Frank Lloyd Wright buildings and a coupla strip clubs. But it was great.
Did anyone see Southland Tales or No Country for Old Men this weekend? I’m interested in seeing both and was wondering what the Drunkards though of them.
+s ^
I’d like to go to Kansas, for no other reason than it’s not fucking here.
nuther empty jenkem balloon :(
It is a stereotype. But there are people who like free money, thus, people like me. Later, if you want, I can tell you how to extract Alchohol from everyday products, in case prohibition comes back. I assume no responsibility if you go blind.
I tried p-rating NCFOM, but got some wacky version that would only run on domplayer? Looked it up and it said that domplayer was partial to security issues and viruses so i decided against it. Have a new copy DLing now.
joker – why the interest in Wright’s buildings? Architect?
Let me know about the quality of it when you are done, erswi. Oh, and let me know what file name it is, so I can pick out the right one.
Yes, erswi works in architecture. We’ve established that. Where the fuck were you? Wait, where were you where you saw Frank Lloyd Wright buildings?
Erswi, WTF?
Frank Lloyd Wright buildings are awesome, even to the non architect
Ah the shrooms. Those were same crazy jailable offences we imbibed, Affleck.
Yup. I was up there on a class trip with my classmates and professors from LSU School of Arch. Also saw some Dan Rockhill work while we were there. Dan is a current working architect in Kansas, not terribly well known but some really beautiful work. Also got to trespass in a Steven Holl museum addition that was still under construction. I got a look at the plans while it was still under construction and found a faulty construction issue based on the drawings. That’s what we like to calll fun. That and the stripclubs.
wait , are there only like 3 of us here and everyones alias?
Actually, a really easy way to get high is to take drugs!
Did somebody call me? =)
I dunno eib, they look all artsy, but structurally I don’t trust them. When I look at them I think "more like Frank Lloyd WRONG". Am I right folks? HeHe. I’ll be here all night! Try the Murdered Baby Cow!
I’m trying to get more. No one can track us from this can they? no this is the internet, we’re totally untraceable.
I know a guy who may know a guy.
I saw a unitarian church in downtown KC, Kansas and another outside of the city that I can’t really recall too much about due to severe drunkery and hungoveredness.
I’m in residential architecture. I did miss any previous conversations.
oh I SEE. IGNORE THE GUY WITH THE PROBLEM.
you’re all fuckin fascists.
well, you have a point Nom, but esthetically, they are awesome.
Erswi: But where were these buildings located? Do you remember what city(ies)? I’ve never seen a Frank Lloyd Wright design in person. You should have went to Atchison. The houses there are old, but it is rich in unique architectural design. Plus, you could visit the Amelia Earhardt Museum! It’s just a short drive down the Yellow Brick Road!!
Do you need a hug, C&P, come here
I’m with cocaine on this one.
You may? I thought they were out of season aff?
Why the fuck are we talking about buildings all of a sudden, I don’t mind off topic but bricks and mortar? come on I can have more fun actually doing work.
Is there no mechanical engineering counterpart to myself? Sigh. Only the lonely.
::sniff sniff::
I feel like that south park episode where Cartman thinks he’s dead because no one is acknowledging his existence.
Where do you work Stoney? And are you licensed or just working in architecture? Cuz if you’re a licensed architect I need to find a boss that understands my priorities are
1. Filmdrunk
2. Lunch
3. Porn
4. Work 2 1/2 hours a day
5. Go home and bang the wife.
i offered a hug, for fucks sake, what more do you want?
I know some one who has them in a freezer. The wonders of modern technology.
evil lincoln: Shrooms can be grown indoors, with the properly controlled environment. Question: What kind of shrooms do you get in the UK? We mainly get the Psylocybe here, but always wondered about Cubensis. Do you guys get those big ass Cubensis Shrooms over there?
FUCK, TO REPEAT – I AM WITH COCAINE ON THIS ONE.
now quit yer bitchin
I’ll take the hug. Hugs are good. In reality, since I’m getting divorced, I could use a hug.
Wait… I doubt that will be a COW.. lol
Mothers, hide your daughters, C&P is showing his emotional side. I’ve heard that crying can get you shitloads of chicks.
my knowledge isn’t great but we I think we mostly get Psylocybe. naturally they grow under cow turds as you say.
A friend has this proper red toadstool looking thing in his freezer though, I don’t know what it is but it looks like fun.
The freezer, of course. It makes things cold.
NOM we gets the psylocybe, cultivated ones are pretty hard to find, fresh are all over but I was too slack to pick, also busy, with my new filmdrunk habit.
Fresh are outside a legal loophole whereby preparation makes it a class A narcotic. which is a plus.
it does. Also, saying you gay or impotent can be a challenge to some women.
Nom – the Real Glen is a Mech. Engineer…
Joker – I work in NJ, have for 13 years. I never completed my tests because I:
a. Am lazy and hate to study
b. Don’t like Architecture enough to be motivated to have my own seal
c. Am lazy and hate to study
That said, I am more experienced and responsible than most licensed archtects you’ll meet.
check it out, broads… TEARS!
Obviously I only deal with evil mushrooms, which as everyone knows are toadstools.
You know, like rats are evil mice?
I didn’t think you were still here lincoln, I wouldn’t of answered for you otherwise.
excuse my insolence.
alright, now make with the head.
Just glad you got my back in my apparent absence sucka. Props. Mad props.
I fell for it Coke. I had made a shrine to you in my living room. please tell me it wasnt in vain!
I went to a Halloween party on shrooms once. There was a mirror landing, so everytime I walked up to the second floor I would freak out. It didn’t help that I was dressed as dead Sylvia Plath (I had an easy-bake oven). It was the best party ever.
alway EL, always.
Now I must go home and speak to my woman….goddamn it.
This fuckin’ sucks. Banks-off. Mail-off. Local and federal gov’t.-off. JHC (actual Veteran)-fuckin’ working. I’m writing my congressman about this travesty. FUCK!!! NO MAIL!!!!
Don’t fear the lopez.
If that red toadstool looking thing is big, and it’s cap looks like an umbrella as compared to the psylocybe, and is supposedly a psychodelic mushroom, then I would say it’s probably a Cubensis. Those things are supposed to get huge, and you only need a chunk of one to do the job. Supposedly.
AGB, I applaud your costume choice.
nah you can keep the shrine, eibmoz. send me a pic so I can put it on my wall
Yeah it’s big, flat and red. I will get the fucker off him.
anyway I really am going now.
About halfway through the night I had to change. I was too freaked out. Unfortunately I had only brought a black and white striped skirt with me, so I spent the rest of the evening staring at my skirt and not talking.
AGB: Similarly, I went to the mall while blazing on acid. When I walked into the arcade, and the machines started making those noises, I actually fell to my knees. Isn’t it fun when you are tripping in public, and you have already accepted the fact that "They all know"?
Interesting Stoney, I just graduated from Arch. School in May so only time will tell if my laziness and hatred of studying will catch up to me as yours did. That’s too bad though, cuz like I said I need a boss who understands my priorities.
What smart kids we was. For some reason, I didn’t see any problem with walking around from store to store, not buying anything, with a backpack on. A backpack that contained half a sheet of acid, a qp of bud, and a carton of Kool Milds.(I was 16 at the time, so those were illegal too.)
new post
OH SHIT!!!! GLEN IS A MECHANICAL ENGINEER!? EVERY SINGLE GLEN JOKE JUST GOT SO MUCH FUNNIER TO ANYONE WHO HAS EVER WORKED WITH HIS ILK!
I love ya Glen, you A/C ducting, hot water routing bastard.
Wait. Mechanical Engineers only route tubing and ducting? Cuz that is easy. Then, what the fuck is the proper title for what I do? Designing equipment and heavy machinery for contruction/mining/landscaping/oil drilling? Whatever my proper title is, I’ll naturally change it up so it sounds cool to strippers. Not cool enough to fuck me, but almost.
This movie will be like "Stripes" for cunts.
BTW good morning Drunkards.
""Stripes" for cunts". Too fucking right.