Brothers and famous directors Ridley and Tony Scott are bringing Edgar Allen Poe’s classic short story The Tell-Tale Heart to the big screen. Michael Cuesta will direct and Dave Callaham will write the screenplay.
The story, of course, concerns a dude who hates his elderly neighbor because he has a nasty looking eyeball, so he kills him. He hides his body under the floorboards, but he freaks out in front of the cops because he can still hear the dead dude’s heart beating.
What we learn from the story, of course, is that lazy eyes are freaky and a great reason to off somebody. That’s right, watch your back Paris Hilton and Stu Scott!
Imagine Stu Scott underneath your floorboards. You’d be chillin’, having tea with your normal crew, and all of a sudden you’d look up and be all like, "Did you just say ‘Boo-ya?’ And everyone would just keep sipping their tea but look at you all crazy because no one had actually said ‘boo-ya’."
Poe was so well known that today any short written piece that rhymes or is read pretentiously is called "Poe-try" (I think Kanye may have been a little unclear on the concept).

A great deal of Poe’s genius was his brevity. All the terror and emotion get packed into a tidy little package. No extraneous characters, sub plots, or piles of bullshit. Unfortunately, the majority of feature length movies are now comprised solely of extraneous characters, sub plots, and piles of bullshit.
This is like the time they made a movie of There Once Was a Man from Nantucket there were a lot of dudes in that boat and one chick who was quite sore the next day.
How are they going to work in car chases and explosions an shit?
And not to go all Randall but is Poe’s tit falling out of his shirt? Good Lord, cover yourself up man!
Good day!
Michael Bay is consulting.
This story and "The Black Cat" were in my opinion, pretty much the same story. It’s really suprising to me that Tim Burton hasn’t touched any of his works.
Sam Jackson as the lead speaking to the cops:
I ain’t seen that cracka fo while.
:thumpthump thumpthump:
Don’t you stupid muthafuckas hear dat shit?
exlposion
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I heard the heart beat will be CGI
I hope they cast Joaquin Phoenix, because he needs another feelgood movie like ths where he just lights up the screen with his million-dollar smile.
+i
I’m just surprised they haven’t yet made a good biopic of Poe….
Sly stallone wants to make the Poe biopic…that’s right Rambo wants to make a film about Poe.
Since Poe was from Baltimore, I think it should be a John Waters movie. Rikki Lake plays the neighbor, who can’t be crammed under the floorboards due to her enormous girth! Hilarity ensues!
if we’re listing actors from B-more…does the Hoff ring a bell?
I’m pretty sure I could watch the hoff drunkly eat a hamburger off a floor and it’d be entertaining……..oh he did? SWEET!
What would there be in a Poe biopic?
Other Baltimore possibilities for casting:
DMX, Anna Faris, Dorothy Hamill, Mo-Nique, Parker Posey, Jada Pinket-Smith, and Frank Zappa (because, why not).
Zappa could for sure play the body under the floor…
I put Dorothy Hamill in there because if they need to stretch the story to full length they may need a drug taking scene with Dorothy Hamill dressed as a heart doing spins and small loops (no jumps, she’s old). It’ll be symbolic.
I, like Poe, have an affinity for absinthe, heroin, and fucking my cousin.
Divine will play the body under the floor. And it’s not a heart, it’s a perpetually steaming pile of poo that Divine ate that the murderer can’t stop smelling. Kinda like most Hollywood movies, acutally.
The Mighty Fek’lhr wonders when Mark started to go by "Dorothy", AGB? Is he post op?
Yes, and suprisingly, the biggest challenge for the transformation was using toe-picks while figure skating. He kept falling and hearing voices telling him to just clear his mind and use the force.
Hmm…he should use the lightsaber to free himself from the ice like he did on Hoth, The Mighty Fek’lhr asserted.
GrotusMaximus wonders when Carrie Fisher changed her name to the Mighty Fek’lhr.
The Mighty Fek’lhr wonders when GrotusMaximus’ Mom changed her name to Courtney Love.
you guys STFU mark hammill is all man i got the pictures to prove it i mean GRRRR.. THAT BETTA NOT BE AN APPLE IN MY CANDY BAG!!
JHC, I didn’t say it’d be good, but if Alba and Cook can continue to make movies about being overrated annoyances, we can at least see another goth-boner-inducing flick.
On a side noe : do goths get hard? or does their blood go elsewhere, namely, out their wrists…. ooh! my laundry is done!
I wasn’t taking a shot at your post Raine. I honestly don’t know jack about Poe. He just looked lonely in the banner pic.
Didn’t say you were. Just because my people killed you, doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. I can’t imagine it would be any good, as my gay room mate is the one wondering about it… ha
Wait, gay Poe fans killed Jesus? I never heard that.
Ahh, it’s great to see Serious Cat again. A day without Serious Cat is a day without sunshine.
GrotusMaximus wonders when the Mighty Fek’lhr last changed his underwear.
Yes, Hairy. You heard it here first.