BRUCKHEIMER BURGLES A NEW TURD
09.20.07Just when I thought I'd never have another aneurysm comes the news that Jerry Bruckheimer has spent $1.75 million on Nine Lives, a Jonathan Hensleigh action pitch.
Drama revolves around a Manhattan detective called Nine Lives because of the number of shootings he has survived while on duty. Pic marks Hensleigh's fifth assignment with Bruckheimer after "The Rock," "Armageddon," "Con Air" and "Gone in 60 Seconds."
Kill me now. Jerry Bruckheimer has made a career out of appealing to the Fetal Alcohol and Down Syndromes crowd – as evidenced by the interviewer in the above clip, and by any clip from Kangaroo Jack. His movies are more unintentionally racist than anything outside of the McDonald's "I'm Lovin' It" ad campaign, he gave Nic Cage a career, and he single handedly ruined the concept of pirates. The main difference between him and Hitler is more facial hair.
Did I mention he eats babies and kicks pigeons? Well he does, when he's not running a child prostitution ring or masturbating to drowning kittens. He also drinks the tears of the unborn because he says they keep his beard shiny. True story.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/Werner-herzog-chicken-choke-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/01/Andy-serkis-rise-apes-no-cg-150x150.jpg)
Did I mention he eats babies and kicks pigeons? Well he does, when he's not running a child prostitution ring or masturbating to drowning kittens. He also drinks the tears of the unborn because he says they keep his beard shiny. True story.
I laughed for five straight minutes, thank you for such an awesome start to the day
Glad to hear it. It's hard for me to judge the humor in a story that renders me incandescent with rage, so it's good that you're here.
Can we please turn our attention to the tasteless masses? While I have to hold back the need to vomit at the thought of another craptacular release, I applaud those who will profit from it. They are con men. They have convinced the populous that anything without explosions, nut-shots, or catch phrases is 'Too Artsy'. Play to the masses and collect your cash. It's a simple procedure, once you've gotten past the whole empty pit of a soul thing.
Yeah, it spills over into the next thread too. I keep thinking 'are they trying to make shit movies on purpose?' It's like I'm crazy or something, and then I realize they are making stuff that people will watch in fucking droves. More swill for the pigs…
I disagree slightly. I think a movie about pirates is a great idea with broad appeal, that wouldn't have been narrowed any by a lack of ghosts or silly animals. I think Bruckheimer believes his own BS.
And I'm no optimist when it comes to the ignorant masses, but I admit to harboring the belief that the public could be forcefed just as easily a higher quality product than this – with no significant increase of effort on the part of the Producers'. People eat it up because it's got the most hype, the widest release, and the most stars.
Lance, you ignorant slut.
They're simply following a proven formula. Once the movie has defined its direction, elemental components can be added at will without negatively affecting the appeal to its target audience.
To the artistic/critical/intelligent viewer, once you're watching a movie based on an amusement park ride's anamatronic paper mache' characters, you stop judging cinematic choices.
This differs from criticizing movies that have not intentionally stepped off the cliff of bad taste, such as the final 2/3 of the Matrix series. The giant floating face at the very end was not conceived as a campy add-on to an already farcical premise – they meant that shit to be impressive on a very real level.
but I admit to harboring the belief that the public could be forcefed just as easily a higher quality product than this – with no significant increase of effort on the part of the Producers'
I agree with that 100%… Just don't hold your breath*.
*because you'll just pass out and start breathing again, assuming you've got the balls to not take a breath before passing out. I don't.
Yeah, I can't muster the willpower to pass out either, though I can thumb my own eyeball long enough to blur my vision for hours on end. That's something, right?
Hollywood will keep making crap movies as long as morons first go to Chili's and then hit the local movieplex for whatever is playing. The only thing that execs know is money and if people stay away from shit movies, then they will start improving their product and quit making sequels to feti that should be aborted.
But, now that even movies that bomb at the box office can kill on DVD's, I won't hold my breath either.
Reading a biography of Sam Goldwynn right now and it clearly demonstrates that NOTHING ever changes in Hollyweird. It’s business first and last, and in between. Untalented hacks that squeeze formulas until every last cent has been wrung out will always rule the place.
Thanks, McHatred. Now I'm jonesing for southwestern eggrolls. Mmmm… Chili's.
i want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back.
I think the problem is that movies are being made from the top down. Meaning the people on top think "what type of shit would these idiots see?". They come up with some catchphrases, a movie title, then they send it down to the bottom for everyone else to fill in the blanks. Case in point, they start with crap just like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baDFBpjb47M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRAcwQagxhU
Normally I wouldn't post a link to my own stuff, but it's relevant to this discussion, and I'm a self-serving douchebag. Anyway, watch the above video for my take on Transformers.
What's with the ass sucking sycophant in the Bruckheimer video? Dear lord, that video made ME have to go take a shit with all the colon stimulation going on there.
I'm glad you posted it, you self-serving douchebag. I got a really big kick out of it. Revel in the fact that you entertained me.
AHAHAHA, another victim of my lame YouTubery.