"Yo Al Qaeda Predator, chiggity check yo self."

Just the other day, we brought you the news that Channing Tatum would be starring in a film from Independence Day/The Patriot-director Roland Emmerich. The film is called White House Down, for Sony, with a premise described as “Die Hard in the White House,” and a script from the writer of The Losers, The Rundown, and the upcoming Total Recall remake (these are all true things, I swear). Burnsy seems to have a source very close to this project, because he was able to share an exclusive excerpt of the script in his original post. I don’t know how Burnsy gets his hands on so much C-Tates-related material, and come to think of it, both he and C-Tates are about the same age, both from Florida, both C-walk like angels, and to my knowledge, have never been photographed or seen in the same room together. In any case, we’ll hopefully be able to continue posting excerpts and behind-the-scenes information from the film, starting with today’s exclusive selection from the official storyboard.

Enjoy:

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Travolta finds out his masseuse was wearing a wire

I’ve basically been avoiding the “new masseuse says Vince Vega diddled his dong!” stories and counter stories, because there have been a million of them. And was anyone really surprised that John Travolta likes doing gay stuff? I feel like that was kind of a given without having to hear about his “wiry, unkempt pubic hair.” Still, I feel like we need at least an update for the week, so here it is. Today, according to RadarOnline, a fourth man has come forward to accuse Travolta of “groping and fondling him against his will.”

I’m not John Travolta’s lawyer, but I’m guessing it was probably because of the way the guy was dressed.

“As a result of the published lies about my client we expect some ‘John Does’ to come out of the woodwork and assert false claims,” Marty Singer tells RadarOnline.com, adding that he has not yet been contacted by an attorney representing the new accuser.

More like John DODES, am I right?? (*jumps onto whoopie cushion, gets hit with pie*)

The previous three men comprise of John Doe #1, a masseur who has recently hired Gloria Allred to represent him after being dropped by his previous attorney [because he couldn't prove Travolta was in LA on the day he was being accused of sexual battery]; an Atlanta based masseur, who is being represented by Okorie Okorocha and Chilean-born former cruise line employee, Fabian Zanzi.

The gym employee/personal trainer claims he would open the gym for Travolta when he was on location for a film shoot, after hours. “The gym was opened as a courtesy to John Travolta so that he could avoid the public yet maintain his fitness in this physically challenging role that he was doing at the time. The gym employee says that John Travolta groped and fondled him against his will,” a source close to the situation tells RadarOnline.com.

An Atlanta masseur, a Chilean cruise employee, and a personal trainer at a fancy gym. My God, it’s like they’re assembling a modern-day Village People of stereotypically gay occupations. Anyway, Gloria Allred is involved now, so I think we can officially declare this a circus. Somewhere, Tom Cruise is sitting in a giant chair, petting a cat and cackling wildly. “They’ll never suspect me now, Mittens!” he shouts, his feet dangling above the floor.

"PAYCHECKS!"

Ever since Will Ferrell, er, Ron Burgundy confirmed on Conan that the Channel 4 News Team would once again assemble for a sequel, bros and dudes have been flashing back to 2004 with pure joy and excitement. Now that we also know that The Dictator – in theaters everywhere today – will feature the first Anchorman 2 teaser in the previews, we might as well just go ahead and open the floodgates and start repeating every classic line from the original film.

But wait – you may be wondering, “Will Anchorman 2 feature all the same hilarious vintage styles and costumes of the first film?” Worry not, ladies. Anchorman 2 has a new poster and the answer to your question is “Whale’s vagina jazz flute I pooped a squirrel hand grenade toilet store.”

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Kinda-Sorta Funny in a Who-Caresy Sort of Way

Patton Oswalt used to have a bit about going to open mics when he was a younger comedian, saying there were essentially three types of performers you’d see there: people who had a voice and potential, people who were funny-but-who-cares, and lunatics. Sacha Cohen always used to seem like an intriguing 50-50 combo of potential genius and complete lunatic, and that makes it all the more disappointing to see him in The Dictator, the ultimate “funny, but who cares” movie. He even reuses some of his old jokes, like the one about how a woman in politics is like a monkey flying a plane. (Here, it’s a woman in education is like a monkey on roller skates).

I liked that joke a lot when it was in Borat, but you know a joke’s not specific when it can be used for two different characters. The Dictator is just the broadest of broad comedy. It’s like a 90-minute MTV Movie Awards sketch. Its one saving grace is that it spends the first bit so drastically lowering your expectations that you eventually accept the hammy inconsistency enough that by the end you can just chuckle along with the jokes that are so-so (and if you’ve read my writing on this website, you know I have no problem with a so-so joke). I did enjoy the shot from inside Kathryn Hahn’s vagina. That was a highlight.

It’s hard to compare documentary-style comedies like Borat or Bruno to the fully-scripted Dictator, because with the former, the plot can be the most basic, predictable framework, and that’s okay, because with people who aren’t in on the joke always standing around, there’s always the possibility of something unexpected happening. That element doesn’t exist in The Dictator, but even if we’re comparing apples to apples, the fully-staged, “running of the Jew” scene in Borat is 100 times funnier than anything in The Dictator. That was creative, wildly politically incorrect, and above all, specific. Making fun of a Muslim strongman isn’t even politically incorrect. In fact it’s probably the most politically correct. The Dictator just couches all its jokes in vulgarity to make it seem politically incorrect. It’s kind of like shitty fake punk, where you scratch your pick across the strings and grimace even though the song’s about holding hands with girls at the Dairy Queen. Jokes in The Dictator, like Admiral Aladeen saying he wants to get home so he can watch “The Real Housewives of Ahmadinehulalabajad” just don’t have the same punch as throwing money at cockroaches in case the Jews are shapeshifters. I love poop/fart/vagina humor, but less so when it’s just a crutch to prop up lazy pop culture references. HAHA, FUNNY ACCENTS AND LINDSAY LOHAN! Honestly, how much different is that than Ashton Kutcher’s Pop Chips ad? Other than that Sacha Cohen is a talented comedian and Ashton Kutcher is a buffoon, and that beard-face is acceptable while brown-face isn’t, they’re actually pretty similar.

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It seemed like only yesterday that Morton was carefully explaining who Nick Stahl was in his weekly DVD column. Hey, would you look at that, it was yesterday. If you needed a refresher: “before he was Afghan Luke, Nick Stahl was that Yellow Bastard in Sin City. Some of you may remember that before that, he was John Connor 2.0 in Terminator 3.  Before that, as I’m sure we all remember, he showed his dick in Bully.  Some of you might even remember that he started out as a child-actor in Mel Gibson’s The Man Without A Face.”

I’m not saying Morton is some kind of kidnapping witch or a jinx, but today TMZ reports that Stahl’s wife has filed a missing person’s report, saying Stahl has been missing since May 9th, a week ago.

Stahl’s wife filed a missing person’s report with the L.A.P.D. on Monday … saying she last saw the 32-year-old actor on May 9.
Sources tell TMZ … it is believed Stahl had been frequenting the Skid Row area of Downtown Los Angeles recently … and there are concerns he may have gotten himself involved in some bad stuff.
Back in February, Nick’s wife had filed court papers, expressing serious concerns that Nick may be using drugs … and sources say she fears drugs may have something to do with his disappearance.
Stahl’s rep declined to comment on the situation. [TMZ]

Skid Row, isn’t that where your mom buys her panties? Back in March, TMZ send out an email blast about Stahl being charged for defrauding a taxi operator for pulling a runner on a cab. I didn’t think it was particularly newsworthy at the time, but now it seems as if the decision to devote an entire division of TMZ to Nick Stahl news is finally paying off. Harvey Levin, you slimy, bottom-feeding genius, you. Anyway, I’ll update with more news as it comes, and I’ll be sure to let you know if anything else like this happens, like Danny Masterson getting trapped in the grizzly enclosure at the zoo. Man, that would be awesome.

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Brian DePalma has been pretty quiet since releasing The Black Dahlia in 2006, with his Iraq War protest film Redacted being his most recent work. But he’s returning with a heavy hitter this year in Passion, the remake of the 2010 French film Crime d’amour, starring Rachel McAdams and Noomi Rapace.

*takes out box of Kleenex, kicks out recliner*

All right, what’s this little gem all about now?

The offices of a prominent multinational corporation is the setting for this story of a power struggle between two contemporary women. Isabelle has unlimited admiration for her direct superior, Christine, a woman well-schooled in the ways of power. Christine enjoys holding sway over Isabelle, leads her one step at a time and ever more deeply into a game of seduction and manipulation, of dominance and servitude. The game is played for keeps, and there is no turning back. (Via Coming Soon)

McAdams plays Christine to Rapace’s Isabelle, and the former steals her subordinates ideas, leading Isabelle into a murderous rage or something like that. I’ll be honest, I fainted after “seduction and manipulation” and then my head exploded Scanners-style when I saw the movie’s poster.

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